“Fine.” Uriel lashed out once more, smashing in the skull of another lizard as it approached. “Can we fight now?”
“Yeah.” With that, we charged into the thick of it. Uriel’s fighting style was nothing like Michelle. Where the Archangel of Justice took out large swathes of the enemy with her whip-sword, Uriel cut down each enemy with precision before moving to the next.
It made me think that in single combat she’d be nearly unstoppable.
“You’re the one who normally fights the boss, huh?” I asked as I sidestepped a lizard man and drove my hand into its buddy’s face and unleashed some hellfire.
“Yes,” Uriel replied as the headless corpse fell to my feet.
“Thought so,” I said as the horizon rumbled. I turned toward it to see another lich come forward. Only unlike the others, this one was cloaked in red.
“Builder!” the lich called, immediately fixating on me. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”
Its hands extended, and as I readied myself to parry whatever it did, red light collected on the bodies around me.
“Corpse explosion!” Uriel cried, grabbing me by the collar and leaping into the air, right before all the decimated bodies erupted in geysers of blood and bone.
“That’s new,” I mumbled as Uriel made a beeline for the lich. Only, before we reached it, the rest of the bodies began to rumble and shake. Then they slammed into one another as huge flesh golems rose in their place.
“Damn, I hate flesh golems,” Uriel snarled as she dropped us back down on the battlefield. “I’ll get left and you right?”
“On it,” I said, taking off after the right one. I sprang into the air, and slammed into the creature, planting my sword into what it thought was its face.
“GrargH!” it shrieked, grabbing me with one fleshy hand and tossing me across the field like I was a sack of smelly laundry. After all, no one would handle clean laundry that way.
I smashed into the ground and rolled a few times before coming to my feet. Only, my attack had cost more than me. Rather than keep attacking, the flesh golem had turned on Uriel, causing her to have to backpedal to avoid their attacks.
“Sorry,” I muttered as Michelle leapt into the fray, smashing into the one I’d been fighting and body checking it across the field. Only before she could capitalize on the blow, the lich launched a torrent of flame at her.
She caught it on her whip-sword, but even still the attack was enough to let the golem regain its footing.
That was its plan. To let the golems pound on the two archangels, while keeping them off balance. It was a standard mechanic, but the thing was, this was real life, not a game.
I raised my sword and pointed it at the lich, calling upon my power. As sapphire energy cascaded off the blade, I let loose in a torrential blast.
The lich never saw it coming. I don’t know if that was because it was focused on the archangels new threat generation skills, or what but either way, my attack slammed right into the side of the lich’s skull, sending it cartwheeling across the battlefield.
I launched myself forward, and as the lich struggled to its feet, it still didn’t seem to notice me. Moreover, both golems were now solely occupied with dealing with Uriel while Michelle continued to wail on them, taking off chunks of flesh with each fiery attack.
As I swung at the lich, it didn’t even glance at me. My blade caught it right on the back of the neck, severing its head from its shoulders in a single blow. As the skull hit the ground and bounced a couple times, the flesh golems just stopped moving. All at once, they dissolved.
I glanced down at the lich and saw it too was dissolving. Only, this time it’d left something behind. I knelt down and scooped up the amulet it’d been wearing, and as soon as I touched it, a tooltip showed up.
Mark of Death
Type: Enhancement
Ability: Permanently increases the effects of Death magic by ten percent when used. Can only be used in Heaven.
“That was amazing,” Michelle said, coming toward me, glee in her voice. There were still lizards and whatnot on the field, but like last time, after we’d killed the lich, they were fleeing.
“What was?” I asked, glancing at her.
“The skills you gave Uriel. They just kept attacking her while we hit them hard.” Michelle made a fist. “It’s a game changer.”
“Yeah, it’s mechanics. We used a similar trick back in Hell.” I shrugged. “Threat generation and a big tank.”
“I like it,” Uriel said, coming toward me. “Makes it so I don’t have to chase them around. I hate chasing monsters around.”
“I think we all hate that,” Michelle said, surprisingly happy.
“Not more than me. I am the queen of hating it.” Uriel smacked her chest. “Queen.”
“Have you guys seen this before?” I held the Mark of Death out to them. “The lich dropped it.”
“No.” they said in unison before looking at one another.
“What’s it do?” Uriel asked, peering closely at it. “Smells like death magic.”
“It says it can raise the user’s death magic skills by ten percent, which seems insane to me.” I had half a mind to use it on myself, but I didn’t really have death magic. Fortunately, as I looked down at my abdomen, I realized I knew someone who did.
“Seems like it is meant for Samael,” Michelle said slowly. “You should bring it to her.”
“That won’t work,” I said, leveling a glare at her. “It can only be used in Heaven.”
“Arthur…” Michelle said, but before she could let the silence sink in, Uriel threw her arm around Michelle.
“Aww, come on Shelly. Why don’t you turn the other cheek? Forgive and forget, etc, etc.” Uriel smiled as Michelle rolled her eyes. “Do it!”
“Fine. You can bring Samael back here, but just her.” With that, Michelle stomped off like a sullen child.
“It’s okay,” Uriel said, elbowing me in the ribs. “I won’t tell her you’re totally staring at her ass.”
“Hey, what can I say,” I said, trying to ignore how hot my cheeks felt. “As much as I hate seeing her go, I love watching her leave.”
18
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tap that ass,” Uriel said as we made our way toward the rift that separated Heaven and Hell. “Are you gay?”
“I’m not gay,” I replied, glaring at the Archangel of Forgiveness. “She was drunk, and Lucifer interrupted.” I waved my hands helplessly. “It was a whole thing.”
“That sounds like the beginning of an awesome threesome.” Uriel elbowed me in the ribs. “I dunno how you fucked that one up.”
“I didn’t fuck it up.” I sighed, remembering the look of disappointment on Lucifer’s face. “I’m sort of glad about it.”
“Whatever.” Uriel rolled her eyes at me. “I’d have been like, hey, Lucifer, wanna join in?” She mimed pushing the Devil’s head against her crotch. “I mean two of you were already naked. You were like eighty percent of the way there.”
“I find it hard to believe you’d have a threesome with the Devil and the archangel who threw her out of Heaven.” I glanced at Uriel who was thrusting her hips with each step.
“Oh, it’d be great.” She licked her lips. “They have a lot of issues to work out.” She met my eyes. “In bed.”
“Is that so?” I asked. Part of me couldn’t believe I was even having this conversation. My life was majorly fucked up. To think, I was standing in Heaven talking to an archangel about having a threesome with her two hottest sisters was just… I dunno, but my ability to even was almost more strained than my pants.
“Oh yeah. It’d probably be some kind of hate sex that turned into like forgiveness sex.” Uriel nodded, eyes distant. “That’s like the two best kinds of sex at once.”
“You have issues.” I sighed, turning away from the archangel.
“I know what I’m about.” Uriel shrugged. “Seems, you don’t.” She thrust her hips again. “You should fi
gure that out because as far as heroes go, you’re lame.” She looked me up and down. “I can get behind the scrawny weakling thing you’ve got going on, but you need to start getting laid.”
“I get laid plenty.” I sighed. “Can we just focus?”
“You get laid plenty?” She cocked her head and looked at me. “You’re the only fucking guy in all of Heaven and Hell. The fact that you’re not having sex at this very moment means you suck.”
“I like doing things that aren’t sex.” I gestured toward the crackling horizon that marked the Darkness’s territory. “I wanna beat back the Darkness for one.”
“And I get that. Really, I do.” Uriel sighed. “I’m just trying to help you out. Get my boy some mad pussy.” She threw her arm over my shoulder. “Let Uriel help you with that, and thereby live vicariously through you.”
“Even if I was okay with that, I don’t need your help.” I shrugged off her arm. “Besides, I don’t want to think about—”
“You know what your problem is?” Uriel asked, ignoring my attempts to escape by putting her arm back around me and pulling me against her. “You haven’t even tried to sleep with me. I mean, here I am talking all about threesomes, and you keep making excuses when you should be whipping it out and being like ‘suck it, bitch.’” She paused. “But don’t do that. The moment is ruined.”
“I thought you were gay,” I said, suddenly very confused. “I was literally one hundred percent sure of it.”
“I am most certainly not gay.” Uriel gave me a sour look. “I’m just equal opportunity.” She looked me up and down. “Except for you. I prefer men with meat on their bones.” She rubbed her hands together. “When you get some big muscles and can bench press a tractor, we’ll talk. Until then, don’t go whipping out your dick.”
I’ll be honest, the way she looked at me made me want to do just that. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but I had a “you know what, fuck it” moment.
“I don’t believe you,” I said, and with that, I whipped out my cock.
Uriel stared at me like I was a crazy person for half a second. “I just told you not to do that.” She glanced down at little me. “Like literally three sentences ago.”
“All I hear is you not sucking it.” I gave her a wry smile. “You know you want to.”
“This is a decidedly strange turn of events,” Uriel said, reaching down to grab me. As she closed her hands around me, a surge of heat rushed through me, making me moan. “I think if we proceed this way, you’ll find out the only thing that stops me from having sex is clothing.” She bit her lip, glancing down at me. “I mean, that’s mostly true, but still.” She began stroking me. “I want you to think I have standards.”
“Oh, trust me,” I said through quick breaths. “I absolutely respect you.”
“Really now?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Well, that has got to change.”
With that, the Archangel of Forgiveness was on her knees.
“Nothing quite like a mouthful of come and a sore jaw for my troubles,” Uriel said, getting to her feet an appropriate amount of time later.
“I still think you should let me return the favor,” I said as I pulled up my pants. “I feel sort of selfish.”
“I’m good. I don’t really like getting oral sex.” Uriel frowned. “I’m more of a giver I guess.” She clapped me on the back. “Just think of me like one of your bros.”
“My bros don’t give me blowjobs,” I said, unsure of how to proceed with this conversation. “Nor do I want them to.”
“You know what I mean,” Uriel replied. “You need another later, just come ask.”
“We could do more than that,” I said, and as I reached out toward her, she smacked my hand away.
“No. I’m saving the rest for marriage.” She glanced away from me. “Maybe that sounds silly, but that’s my thought on the matter.”
“I’ll be honest, a lot of me wants to engage you in this conversation further, but wouldn’t you know it, we’re at the rift.” I pointed at the gateway that led to Hell before sighing. “Aww shucks.”
“Wow, you give a guy one blowjob, and he gets all weird.” Uriel rolled her eyes at me. “Trust me, if I wanted more from you, I’d have made you put a ring on it.”
“Fair enough.” I paused as she reached her hand out to me so we could begin our journey to hell. “You’re not like any other angel I’ve ever met.”
“I know. I’m a unique snowflake, you fuck.” With that Uriel leapt off of Heaven, pulling me along with her.
19
“Hell is kind of a dump,” Uriel said as we made our way through the Graveyard of Statues. “I mean, Heaven sucks too, but I sort of expected more.” She waved her hands at the people bustling about to and fro. “This is like the Chinese sweatshop version of Hell. And not even a bad one.” She flailed a bit. “Where’s the torture, the suffered, the goddamned fire?”
“Did you just say goddamned?” I asked, glancing at her.
“I did, didn’t I?” She smiled at me. “You think you know me?” She began to walk off before stopping. “I also have no idea where we’re going.”
“Right, follow me.” I shook my head at her. I still had no idea what to make of Uriel, but oddly, she was sort of starting to grow on me. Not in a good way or a bad way either. At times she just reminded me of the strange growth my Uncle Larry had on the back of his head. I’d once asked him why he never had it removed and he had told me that he’d grown used to it, and besides, it helped keep his hat straight. That bastard had loved his hats.
In a land of stuck up angels, hot as hell demons, and everything in between, Uriel was my weird lump of flesh. It was sort of nice in a fucked up way.
“I like what you’ve done with the place,” Uriel said as we made our way through town. “I mean, it’s not the Hell I’d envision, but it’s sort of, I dunno, peaceful. You’d never know the Darkness was seething just over there.” She gestured at the horizon. “They also must not try very hard.”
“Not really compared to Heaven.” I shrugged.
“I wonder why that is,” Uriel replied, rubbing her chin. “You’d think they’d just crush us.” She pointed at me. “For one thing, why aren’t you just dead?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly confused.
“Well, you say you’ve fought Dred, right?” When I nodded, she continued. “Well, I’ve fought Dred too, and the motherfucker is all man in a way you just aren’t. Don’t take that the wrong way.”
“I’ll do my best.” To be fair, I sort of agreed with her. Dred was a big strong warrior with millennia of experience, and I wasn’t. I was a scrawny software engineer with a magic sword. If I was going to beat him, it had to be on my terms, not his.
“Anyway. I just think that if he wanted you dead, you’d be dead. Only he should want you dead.” Uriel gestured around. “This little town of yours should be a smoking pile of ash.”
“I’ve had a similar thought myself…” I mumbled. It was true. Sure, Gwen had pushed Dred through the portal before he could have killed us all, but that was the thing, he could have killed us all. Hell, Nadine could have killed me ten times over, and she hadn’t. I’d always gotten the impression Nadine hadn’t wanted to really kill me, had given me every opportunity to not die, but Dred didn’t strike me that way.
“Exactly. See, I knew you weren’t dumb. Well, at least about things that aren’t fucking Michelle.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not going to bother telling you’re an idiot again.”
“Thanks for that.” I waved off the image of Michelle’s naked body as it filled my mind. “But yeah, Dred should have killed me. Hell, what the fuck is he even doing right now?”
“Probably trying to beat Gabriella into submission.” Uriel sighed as my heart threatened to break and rage exploded through me, so hot and furious I couldn’t even breathe. “That’s a downer if there ever was. She’s so sweet.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Getting pissed off right
now wouldn’t help. No. Only outthinking Dred would help.
“Okay, but this is Dred. He’s strong enough to come down here right now and kill us all. So why isn’t he here?” I gestured at the town. “Why?”
“That’s a question I’m not sure I want answered because, honestly, when we find out it’s gonna suck.” She shuddered. “You’re not even close to being able to fight him, either.”
“I’ve got that.” I made a fist. “Even with everything I’ve done, he stands on a plateau far beyond me.” I sighed. “I feel like I’ll never get there.”
“Arthur.” Uriel met my eyes, and for once she seemed totally serious. “What were you doing before you came to Hell?”
“Um… making Slurpees at a Seven Eleven.” I could almost see myself standing behind the register as whiny toddlers complained that the red one wasn’t working. Then I’d have to go fuck with it while the stoners stole Doritos and cigarettes.
“Right, and now?” She gestured around us. “You’re basically the only thing standing between Heaven and Hell getting crushed by overwhelming Darkness.”
“I get that, but—”
“It hasn’t even been that long and Dred? That guy has been fighting us for millennia.” She patted my head. “Imagine what you could do given the same amount of time.”
“That’s a fair point, but I’m unlikely to get the same amount of time. Ever since I’ve gotten here, it seems like things have shifted into high gear.” I sighed. “I just worry that Dred will kill us all before I get strong enough to stop him.”
“It’s totally possible, and when your battered, bloody corpse is getting the flesh picked off it by crows, I’ll be pissed, but until then, just work harder.” She poked me in the chest. “I believe in you, Arthur.”
“Thanks.” I meant it, but somehow, I couldn’t help but think it wouldn’t be enough.
“You’re welcome.” She looked around. “Now, where is Samael? I haven’t seen that pink-haired vixen in a dog’s age.”
The Builder's Wrath (The Legendary Builder Book 4) Page 11
