by Ali Dean
I find a few decent CDs for my purposes, put the boom box under my arm, and announce my intentions, emphasizing the “girls-only” instruction. If no one follows, I am totally cool with getting down by myself. Zoe and Lexi are at my side as we find an unoccupied guest room. It’s huge and there are no signs anyone’s crashing here, so I get the 90s club hits going and find my place in the middle of the king-size bed.
With the door shut tight, the three of us work up a serious sweat as we go through one CD after the next. It’s three in the morning and I’ve almost lost my voice from all the screaming/singing I’ve been doing when the door to the bedroom opens.
It’s Jace.
I stop dancing immediately and Lexi and Zoe follow suit.
“Shit, it’s freezing in here. Why are all the windows open?”
“We got hot dancing. And it’s girls only. Get out.”
“This is my room.”
“Too bad. I don’t see any bags in here or your name on the door,” I reply.
“Yeah, too bad, jerkface,” a slightly drunk Zoe answers. Actually, I don’t think she’s had anything to drink. She has no barriers totally sober. It’s awesome. “This isn’t your house and it’s not your room.”
Jace crosses his arms, not one to back down. “This is where I always stay when I come up here. And all the other beds are taken.”
I frown. I’d only been up here a few times as a kid and this is the first time Wes has invited me recently. Whatever.
“Guess you can have the top bunk in the kiddie room with Ryan. You can move my bags,” Lexi offers. And then she jumps down from the bed, and begins pushing him out the door. Well, she tries pushing him. He doesn’t budge. And suddenly I have the urge to embrace my juvenile side. Okay, maybe I’ve been acting juvenile all night. I’m not afraid to admit it.
I jump down from the bed, screaming, “No boys allowed!”
Zoe’s right behind me, pumping her fist in the air. “Yeah, no jerkfaces allowed!”
And the three of us successfully push him out into the hallway, slamming the door and locking it behind us and then erupting into giggles.
When we finally pile into the huge bed together, I grin at our ridiculous behavior. We managed to turn a potentially very bad night around. I hear Zoe humming “Girls just wanna have fun,” beside me, and I hug her before falling asleep.
Chapter 25
Three Months Later
I don’t think I’ll ever love track as much as cross country, but there is something to be said for having clear-cut goals and results. The track doesn’t lie. A mile on the UC home track is the same as a mile on any other track. It makes it a little boring, maybe, but there’s comfort in it too.
I’ve been better about figuring out who I am as a runner, as a college runner, and what I’ve discovered is that my place at a meet or my time on the track does not define my worth as a person, friend, or teammate. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy chasing after a goal, and today I not only hit mine in my very first ten-kilometer race, I smashed it. An indoor track is shorter than an outdoor track, and the longest distance for the indoor track season is a 5K race, which isn’t especially exciting, since it’s about the same distance as a cross race, only without the fun parts like puddles, mud and hills.
I knew exactly what pace I had to run each lap in order to get the qualifying time for outdoor track and field nationals. We just finished our indoor season, and instead of resting, Coach thought a few of us should go straight to another meet to try to get the qualifying times before resting and beginning another training cycle. After all, it’s one of our only home track meets, and it’s worth it for convenience alone.
At lap twenty of twenty-five, I was still exactly on pace, along with Caroline, Sienna, and a few girls from other schools. They are the only other ones who will race the longest track distance with me this season. With five laps to go, my body was stressed, but I was actually feeling a little bored. I’d been staring at the back of Sienna’s head for a while without much change of scenery from lap to lap, and it was time to spice things up.
I wasn’t the only one blown away with what my body had in store for the last mile. My time is now the leading 10K time in the nation on the outdoor track, which sounds fancy but actually isn’t saying all that much, since very few have actually competed in a meet so far this season. Still, I’d say my debut in the 10K was a success. The longer the race, the better I seem to do, and I wonder if I’ll run a marathon someday.
Caroline, Lexi and I are getting ready for a barbeque at the yellow house after the race. Lexi races the mile in track, and all three of us hit the qualifying standard today, so we’re feeling pretty proud of ourselves. Unfortunately, getting the qualifying time doesn’t necessarily mean you get to go to Nationals. There are a set number of people in each event, and if more than that amount hit the qualifying time, not everyone gets to go. My time today will probably get me in, but Caroline and Lexi won’t know until the end of the season.
Gina’s empty room is a constant reminder of what she’s going through, and I don’t think any of us have gotten used to her being gone. Even though she wasn’t herself, she was still part of our dorm foursome and a member of the team, and her absence is like a missing link. Despite our attempts to contact her, she hasn’t been in touch with any of us. It sucks.
There are two others I haven’t been in touch with since winter break. Wes came by the apartment before returning to Princeton and apologized for the “stuff going on” between him and Jace. He didn’t elaborate and I didn’t probe.
I see Jace around campus occasionally, but I’ve given up even trying to pretend we’re acquaintances. He acts like he doesn’t know me and in return I try to pretend he’s a stranger. And that he’s ugly. Which he is, on the inside. I think.
The UC football team won the National bowl in January. When I found out, I had a revelation of sorts. Jace chose football. He didn’t let that go. The risk of losing the sport he’s so passionate about didn’t scare him away like I did. He once told me he needs me more than he needs football, or anything else. He was wrong. Or he lied. Either way, I guess I’m happy for him. Happy he didn’t throw it all away, let partying, drugs, or girls drag him down. He remained committed to something, and that gives me hope that he’ll be all right.
It also made me realize that I can make as many excuses as I want for Jace, but in the end, he broke up with me not just as his girlfriend, but as his friend too. I need to move on just like he has. And I’m doing it. It’s not easy. Every day I miss him, but it’s getting a little better.
Lexi and Zoe think I need a rebound guy, but that’s not me. The first time someone hit on me a few weeks ago – at least, I think they were hitting on me – I panicked. I really don’t go out much like some of my teammates do, because I’m convinced the main purpose for most of them is to flirt and hook up with someone. I’m trying to figure out how to be social in this college world as a single girl who doesn’t want a hookup, or a boyfriend. It seems I’m a rarity.
It’s one of the first warm days of spring, and a bunch of track and field teammates are in the backyard at the yellow house while Zeb mans the grill. I think Caroline has a crush on him, because I always catch her watching him. She’s not as shy as I originally thought, she just likes to evaluate the situation before diving in. Zeb, for example, comes off a little cocky and might be a bit of a player, but he’s super loyal and I have a feeling when he falls in love with the right girl, it’ll be all over him. Caroline has seen this about him and for her sake, I hope Caroline’s that girl.
Finding an unoccupied lounge chair, I settle in with my soda, content to relax and observe my friends. Kiki and Sienna try to get me to join in playing Frisbee, but I’m in the mood to be lazy. I’m comfortable enough with my friends now that I feel no obligation to be especially social and I’m still staked out in my chair when I notice the numbers in the backyard have grown considerably.
“Want a burger, Pep?” Zeb calls fro
m the grill, spatula in hand.
“Only if you’re offering to bring it to me!” It’s not true. I’m hungry enough that I’d walk the ten steps over to the food, but if he’s willing to deliver, I’ll play princess.
“Would her majesty like ketchup?” Zeb asks as he approaches with a plate in one hand, ketchup bottle in the other.
“Yes, please,” I say with a grin. “Thanks, dude.”
“No problem, you deserve it after you girls kicked ass today on the track.”
I gesture to the growing crowd on the deck. “Who are all these people?”
Zeb shrugs. “People,” he answers simply. “Guess we’re having a party tonight.”
Well, at least I’ve got a comfy spot to take it all in. I’m digging into my first bite of burger when I see him. And it doesn’t take long before his green eyes find me. I know immediately that he’s here for me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come to the yellow house for a track party, where I might be. As far as I can tell, he’s taken great pains to avoid me, and his presence here tonight tells me he wants to talk to me. He has something to say, and he’d rather do it in this environment then alone somewhere.
My body reacts as he makes his way across the lawn, getting closer with each step. My skin is hot and tingly and I’m disappointed I still can’t prevent my reaction to him. After everything, my body betrays me. Angrily, I take another bite of my burger and chew with aggression in an effort to defy the warmth in my belly that spreads through my limbs.
He’s standing over me now, and he looks bigger than ever. Only ever seeing him at a distance, I hadn’t realized how much bigger his muscles had gotten. He even looks taller. Determined not to let him dictate the conversation, I speak first.
“Are you taller?” I ask, proud that my voice doesn’t show how much he’s affecting me.
He sits on the edge of a lawn chair beside me before answering. “Not recently. I grew an inch after high school but I’m done now.”
I nod. “What do you want?” I ask with a mixture of genuine curiosity and hostility.
He peers at me like he’s trying to figure out what’s going on in my head and my heart all at once. Since I’m not even sure myself, I doubt he’ll figure it out.
“You don’t need me anymore, do you?” he asks quietly.
My eyes widen. “What kind of question is that?”
Jace offers a sad smile, one I’m not sure I’ve ever seen on him before. It makes my chest ache. “You never really needed me, Pepper,” he says with some pride, I think, but also tinged with regret and sorrow.
He’s wrong. Isn’t he?
I’ve always needed him. As my best friend, family, next-door neighbor, and, once upon a time, my boyfriend. Though his most recent title was boyfriend, that’s the one that seems farthest away, the most distant from us now. It’s the sixteen years we had before our first kiss that is at the forefront of my mind when it comes to the word “need” and Jace Wilder. And that startles me.
“What do you want me to say, Jace? Do you want me to argue with you? I think you made it pretty clear you just wanted me to go away, like I never existed in the first place.”
Jace shakes his head, like he’s trying to ward off memories or thoughts. And then he sighs deeply. “I know that words won’t be enough, but I owe you an apology. I’m sorry, Pepper. So fucking sorry.”
“You have got to be kidding me,” I mumble. “You’re right, Jace, words don’t mean much, coming from you.”
His stricken expression, full of anguish, prevents me from continuing. He’s acted like the ultimate asshole, yet I still see him. With some distance from my own heartbreak it makes it hard to see him as simply the asshole ex-boyfriend he was. It might be easier if that’s all he was, but he was so much more than that.
“You don’t wear the bracelet anymore,” he comments. “Did you lose it?”
“No, and you really think I’m going to wear the bracelet?” I ask, amazed by his audacity. He made out with Madeline Brescoll in front of me, for goodness sake.
“I guess I hoped you’d have more faith in me.”
I sit up now, unable to take any more of his messing with my head. “What? You gave that bracelet to me as some sort of test? When I took it off it meant I gave up on you? You didn’t even give me a chance to give up on you, Jace. I had no choice in any of this so stop acting like I have one now.”
He leans back abruptly, as if accepting a blow. And I stand up, leaving behind my half-eaten burger. And Jace.
He’s right. I don’t need him anymore, and maybe I never did.
As I walk through the house, I’m empowered by the knowledge that happiness is attainable without Jace Wilder in my life.
When someone pinches my ass as I pass through the kitchen, I yelp and swing around to find Trish grinning at me. “You walked right past me, girl. What’s got you so oblivious?”
“You felt you had to assault me to get my attention?” I tease, ignoring her question.
I notice Lexi is in the kitchen too, sitting on the counter, while Brax stands between her legs. They’ve been glued at the hip for weeks now, apparently trying to be together “for real” this time. Seems to be working so far.
A small piece of me craves that intimacy again, but I ignore that longing, and offer to help chop onions for Trish’s guacamole. Still, I can’t help but wonder if one day I’ll have a new boyfriend, just like I have my new friends. My college teammates and I have become closer than I ever imagined. They aren’t better or more important than my Brockton friends, but somewhere along the way, they became permanent structures in my life. It’s crazy that I hardly knew these girls less than a year ago. It’s even crazier that someone I thought would always be in my life is probably lost to me forever.
I wonder what my happily-ever-after looks like now. If this is it – running my heart out every day with my teammates and laughing, dancing, and eating with them afterward – it’s one I can embrace without regrets.
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