by Susan Berran
EeWwW eewWw eEewWww! I just thought of something.
Imagine if she was your Grandma, or Nana . . . you’d have to KISS HER!! Oh yuk!
Anyway, we had to make friends with TOFFEE THOMAS! The caves were on his family’s land so he had to know, or have some idea of where they were.
There was NO other way. The plan was all arranged. We’d ‘make friends’ . . . with TOFFEE! Suck him into showing us where the caves are and then act like we really don’t care about them. Then we’d sneak back every weekend to search for the long lost town treasure.
I sat down and explained the very simple, but clever, plan to Jared. Then I explained it to him again . . . and then AGAIN. Then I explained it to him in words and pictures. I really was starting to wonder if he was sucking in too much of the ‘red dust’ around here like everybody else around Agnath.
This had to go perfectly. We’d start operation ‘suck-up’ straight after school. It was all set . . . until we returned to class after lunch.
Right there up on the board at the front of class was a huge diagram of the town area with the title ‘BUSHRANGERS THAT ROAMED AGNATH’ written across the top. Miss Croonarc then began her lesson on the past history of the town. She waffled on and on about how no gold was ever found anywhere in Agnath.
YEAH SURE!
And that at the time everyone thought the strange red dirt was causing slow and painful deaths!
What a load!
And how a certain pair of bushrangers were thought to have had their hideout somewhere up in the hills of Agnath.
AH-HAH! Finally something at school we actually wanted to learn about. Now we were getting somewhere.
She went on to explain that the Toylett brothers, Billy-Bob ‘BAD BREATH’ and Timmy-Tom ‘NO TEETH’ junior, had been living and hiding out in the caves, waiting for someone to strike it rich to give them something to steal. But the gold strike never came and they spent their entire lives just growing old, sitting somewhere up there in their caves, watching and waiting. That was until Timmy-Tom ‘NO TEETH’ junior went and knocked his own block off, but no-one really knows whatever happened to Billy-Bob ‘BAD BREATH’. Whether he rode off into the sunset and left the area, or died all alone in his cave. And if he did die alone, then surely he would have left a few clues somewhere to say where he’d hidden his treasure.
Some of the locals reckon that they’ve smelt his bad breath on the wind at night and others reckon they’ve seen his ghost riding a donkey through the town, still searching for treasure late at night.
Yeah, sure there was no gold.
Me and Jared weren’t being sucked in for one single second.
“Thomas, can you come up and show everyone on the map where his secret hideout is believed to have been please”
WHAT?!
What was going on? Was Miss Croonarc in on it too?
TOFFEE got up out of his seat, walked straight up to the board at the front of the classroom and marked a couple of big ‘X’s where the caves are supposed to be.
GREAT! Me and Jared had planned our butts off to find the treasure before any- one else and here was Miss Croonarc and TOFFEE announcing exactly where to find the caves to the entire world! Why would they go and say anything in front of us ‘tourists’ . . . unless . . . oOOhH I get it. WHEEZY had blurted out ‘the caves’ to us before we came inside and now TOFFEE was making it very clear where the best place was to look for the bushrangers hideout.
THEY KNEW WE KNEW!
Yeah . . . this was all to throw us off the track. We were obviously onto something, something BIG. So this was to get us to waste our time looking totally in the wrong place. They probably figured that when we’d completely searched the caves TOFFEE had marked and found absolutely nothing, that we’d give up, thinking that there really wasn’t any treasure. Ah-ha, but now WE had the upper hand. They didn’t know that we knew that they know. So now that we knew what they already knew, that there really is a treasure hidden somewhere in the hills, we only had to find out one more thing . . . where to look first. There was a reason they wanted to make sure we went to look in those caves, because they’d probably already thoroughly searched them and knew there was nothing to be found in them . . . ooor . . . that’s what they wanted us to think. YEAH . . . they know that if they make us think that they want us to search those caves then we’ll figure out that there’s really nothing in them, so we won’t bother to look in them at all and then we’ll go searching somewhere else completely . . . which is what they reeaaally want us to do.
Hah! They couldn’t fool us . . . well, actually Jared looked more than a bit confused, but I knew what they were up to. They figured that if they made it obvious that the caves were where to look, then we’d figure out that they wanted us to look in them just to waste our time and so we’d know not to bother looking in them which was REALLY what they wanted all along. So we were going to go looking in them, as soon as we could. They hadn’t fooled me for a second. And they must know that there’s something worth a whole lot since they so desperately tried to let us know that it is there, which they knew we’d figure out was too obvious, so of course they knew that we knew that it couldn’t be there . . . so they also knew that we
bother to go there . . . which is why we DEFINITELY SHOULD go there.
HA . . . the old reverse, double reverse hadn’t worked on me.
“And . . .” Miss Croonarc continued excitedly, “we’ll be taking a trip out there to explore very soon.”
SHE HAD TO BE KIDDING! All our ingenious plans to find and keep the treasure for ourselves, GONE!
And going for a trip out there . . . WOW. They sure were going to a lot of trouble to make us believe that there really is something in those caves, just so we’d be convinced that there’s nothing in them.
Miss Croonarc had to be in on it with the rest of the townspeople. She was after a share as well, but she was going to get us kids to do all of the dirty work for her, literally. She’ll probably send all of us into the deep, dark caves with only a candle, a pick and a shovel each. Then we’ll probably have to stay in there, working our guts out until we find the treasure for her. While she sits at the entrance, sipping her ice water and soaking her feet in a bucket of champagne.
WE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! Now we were going to have to make sure that we got out there to explore before the school trip happened. And try to find a way to SCARE off the others from going anywhere near there.
Me and Jared rode home from school that afternoon, barely speaking a word to each other. But then just as Jared turned off the road towards his place he yelled back,
“Hey look at the bright side Sam . . . at least we don’t have to suck up to Toffee now!”
PHEW!
Well at least the day had ended on a high. It couldn’t possibly get any worse.
I flung open the front door and tossed down my bag, skating it across the floor just as Mum came around the corner.
THUD!
It came to a halt right at her feet. Uh-oh, here we go again. I knew what was coming, wait for it . . .
“What if Melly was playing there”
“I’ve told you a hundred times, don’t throw your bag”
“Get to your room. Think next time.”
Well come on, let’s get it over with.
Hang on a seccy, she was smiling . . . why was Mum smiling?
This wasn’t right. Something was wrong, very wrong.
“Guess what Sam?” Mum blurted out in excitement . . .
“Me and Melly are coming on the school excursion with you!”
“N>oooooo!!!!”
Thirty kids, two teachers and two parent helpers. WHY, oh why did it have to be our mums? Yes, Jared’s mum had volunteered too . . . naturally.
Of course it was sheep pruning time, or cow butt wiping time, or some other garbage, so the other mums couldn’t come and naturally my mum couldn’t leave little Miss ‘sooky lah lah’ Poopy Pants Melly at home alone could she? So Miss Croonarc said Me
lly could come along as well.
“Golly gosh isn’t that just simply super-duper and zipperdy-doo-dar great.”
WHAT A RIPP OFF!!
For the first time ever I was going to get away from . . .
Watch your sister doesn’t step off that cliff Sam” . . .
“Catch that snot before it goes into her mouth Sam” . . .
“You couldn’t wipe your butt without smudging it up your backside at her age either Sam” .
Great, thank you soooooo much Mum. Oh please come on the school excursion. Could you just make my life a bit more miserable? I don’t think the rest of the world has stomped all over me enough JUST YET!
But even worse than that was that my mum and Jared’s mum would now be in the same room together for ages and probably compare notes. This could be bad. VERY, VERY BAD. There’s been a heap of weekends that we’ve camped out in the bush paddock out the back of Jared’s place, but we’d each told our mums that we were camping at the other one’s house. We had to, we needed to get our incredibly wicked and awesome utility belt gear ready for the excursion. We knew it was going to be really dangerous but no-one else believed us, just because some of the other kids had been there already, but we didn’t know that until they started boasting about it. And I bet they weren’t game enough to stay there all on their own once it got dark either.
TOFFEE reckoned he’d been there a bunch of times, surprise, surprise. So he went around bragging to everyone about it. He kept going on and on about some of the stuff he’d seen in there, but we knew he was just trying to SCARE us. . . and it wasn’t working. He reckoned that he’d seen huge footprints the size of car tyres and heaps of really huge weird looking bones . . . probably just a cow’s. He even reckons he saw a real human skull in there and that there was this weird disgusting smell everywhere he went.
Me and Jared reckon that if the skull has got a really tiny brain area then it’s probably one of TOFFEE’ relatives.
Oh yeah, he also reckons that he’s seen these weird carvings on the walls, like some sort of coded message that’s been done by ALIENS.
He’s such an IDIOT. He’s always trying to make out that he’s more important than everyone else, but he’s not, he’s just a really weird, dorky kid.
“I saw a humungous bear in there once” we overheard him waffling on to the smaller kids. Yeah right, me and Jared totally believe him . . . BULL!
But that night Jared called me on our secret WALKIE-TALKIE;
“Hey Sam . . . ”
“Yeah” I said.
“Don’t ya reckon Booga’s an idiot? ”
“Yeah.”
“And Wheezy’s an idiot?”
“Yeah.”
“Crabby’s a snotty nose suck-up?”
“Yep”
“Tia’s a super-huge sook?”
“Definitely.”
“Itchy’s a turkey?”
“Yeah”
“Ratty’s an idiot! ”
“Huh what?”
“Ratty . . . he’s an idiot! ”
“Oh, oh yeah.”
“Toffee’s a total nerf! ”
“Yeah he’s a total nerf”
Do you reckon he saw a bear?”
“Nah, he’s a total nerf.”
“ Yeah he’s a completely total nerf.”
“Yeah.”
“You wanna take some extra stuff in our total y wicked and awesome utility belts just in case?”
“Yeah . . . but he’s still a nerf.”
“Yeah . . . a total nerf. ”
We weren’t SCARED. We just decided that the little kids would probably be TERRIFIED. So if we took our utility belts along, then we could help to protect them so that they wouldn’t be as SCARED. Actually, I thought Jared was looking a little bit sweaty when Miss Croonarc said something about “the possibility of coming across the most venomous spider in the world”.
Yep, now there was no way that we were leaving home without all the right gear to protect ourselves. It was time to get our utility belts ready.
Mum had taken away my way cool, double barrel, heavy duty sling shot when she found out that it was me and not some deranged, underwear-stealing lunatic that took her bra off the clothes line, so I had to make a new one, but it’s even better than before: my HEAVY DUTY, wide load, single, boulder-holder sling shot. Gran came to visit last week, I’m sure she won’t miss one pair of undies. They’re massive! I reckon an army of soldiers could use the one pair as a parachute . . . ALL OF THEM AT ONCE!
It needed to be tested out heaps, we always test out our gear to make sure that we can hit and run, so we filled up a garbage bag with Miss ‘I have the most disgusting nappies in the world’ Smelly Melly’s smelliest, greenest, sloppiest and fullest nappies. Then, late one night, we rode off to the pub. Inside, everyone was yakking and laughing and drinking. It was nice and noisy so we figured that no-one would notice us. We shoved a couple of crates against the back wall, then tossed the bag of ‘AMMNITION’ up onto the roof . . .
. . . THUD!
We stopped dead and waited . . . they hadn’t heard us. We climbed up onto the crates, across the top of the water tank, up the drainpipe and onto the roof. We got everything ready to go and then sat back and waited until closing time. Pe-yew . . . IT REEKED! After sitting in a black plastic garbage bag out in the paddock all day in the sun, the blowies were starting to swarm.
Finally, one by one, the farmers headed out the door and began to drive away . . .
wwsshhh . . . splatt!!
Right into the back of their utes!We’d even rolled the nappies into balls and taped them closed, very lightly, so that they’d split open and disintegrate on landing to ‘paint’ the car and, at the same time, the evidence would SELF-DESTRUCT. Boy is that going to stink by morning. I didn’t reckon a lot of them would even notice though, they’re always carrying cRAP of some sort in the back of their utes.
A few shots missed totally and landed right in the middle of the road. They were like disgusting, giant water balloons, bursting and splattering greeny, yellowy, browny, slimey larva all over the place. When Mr Easterly left the pub, he trod right into the middle of one. The nappy hadn’t been totally destroyed so it stuck to his gumboot like chewing gum and flopped along with him right into his truck. We could just imagine him driving home, squishing the ‘load’ around under his foot as he used the pedal and then wandering around his house . . . eEwWw!
I wonder if he takes his boots off before falling into bed?
Once we were bored, we just left the rest of our AMMO on the roof. The next day was like the hottest day ever and there were zillions of blowflies swirling around the pub like a buzzing black tornado. It was hilarious. We just have to remember to only have cans of drink if we go there. Like everyone else around here, the pub is on tank rain water, so when it rains, whatever is on the roof gets washed into the gutters and whatever gets washed into the gutters flows into the water tanks and whatever’s in the watertank flows straight into the pub for drinking. So it’ll be really interesting to see what colour the water is in there after the next rain. And to see if anyone notices the change in flavour, but I doubt it.
But anyway, we’ve got heaps of other way cool stuff in our utility belts too. Like our AWESOME Bulravian mini fold-out binoculars, the ultra high frequency dog whistle, a yoyo, just in case we get bored, our wicked yeti and bear catching traps and heaps of other stuff. We get most of our secret inventions from the ‘Bulravian Top Secret Spy Manual’ . . . and it was only 49cents at a garage sale.
The last thing we really wanted to have ready for the excursion was our AWESOMELY wicked Bulravian Fully Adjustable Periscope. We figured we were going to need it.
All we needed was two gift wrap tubes, a couple of mirrors, and some tape.
Then, if you made it right, you could totally see around corners. It’s TOTALLY excellent.
But, by far, the BEST thing in my belt is my absolutely, wickedly AWESOME and most incredibly phantasmagori
cal and fully retractable, almost invisible, rope. DON'T go blabbing it around, but it’s actually a sort of telescopic fishing rod. It collapses into itself until it’s only about thirty centimetres long and when you push another button, the line reels itself in.
We reckon we can do the old BATMAN trick. Where I cast the line up to wherever we need it and with the push of a button, we’ll be whisked up and away to make our escape. We’re sure the line is strong enough, because one time, when we were in America, way out in this desert, I used it to save a bunch of people. I told the guys at school all about it.
It was nothing really, just a bus full of retired, no longer funny CIRCUS CLOWNS and an out-of-control truck full of ultra high EXPLOSIVES. The steering on the truck failed and the clown driver got his big floppy shoes caught on the accelerator, so, suddenly they were both totally OUT OF CONTROL and heading straight towards each other. I whipped out my extendo rod and cast like a PRO. I managed to hook the front of the truck with my line and yank it six inches to the left, just as the bus finally screeched to a halt. SPARKS ROCKETED into the air as the two vehicles scraped along the side of each other, but the danger wasn’t over . . . they were side by side and both door-locked, so no-one could get out . . . and the heat and sparks set the timers on the EXPLOSIVES off. They only had THIRTY SECONDS TO LIVE! I swung into action, casting for all I was worth. Over and over I cast towards the rear of the truck, hooking EXPLOSIVE after EXPLOSIVE and then WHIPPING it back across my shoulder and sending each EXPLOSIVE sailing through the air and into the desert behind us. THEN, just as I flung the last EXPLOSIVE towards the desert . . . BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! We hit the ground as hundreds of explosions detonated, sending MASSIVE clouds of dirt high into the air. And when the dirt finally settled . . . the desert was GONE! We were standing on the edge of a cliff looking out across mile, after mile, after mile of these massive canyons that had been blown into the ground.
I'D SAVED THEM ALL.
“They wanted to give me a huge party and a medal and name the canyon after me, but I didn’t want to make a fuss. So I told them the canyon looked so grand, maybe they could just call it The Grand Canyon” I told the guys.
