by J. S. Brent
‘Probably won’t get too drunk…’
‘Richard and Jasmine are there. Are you going to survive if we can’t give you a lift home?’
‘I’ll just drink.’
‘I’ll buy you some wine on the way home, if you want. Don’t get excited, it’ll be what you buy at university.’ I never got to understand that man. He was one of the only people I never even saw a glimpse of what was going through their head. I only saw the logically applied results of his thoughts on his face. There are few men and women where Occam’s razor does not apply. Where the most likely answer is not the truth. Where it would take a talented storm-catcher to traverse the hurricanes in their head. Maybe that’s what my Mum was to my Father. Somebody that could read him. Maybe the only one he had ever met.
He was right, it was the same wine I got at university. Any corner that could be cut when it came to price would be cut, apart from when it came to the house. Maybe it was because of the house. Maybe he would have been less cold in a smaller living-space. Maybe it was his ability to escape to another room that made him feel distant.
I had a shower when I got back in and a shave. My old friends had to at least think I was doing well when it came to life. I put on my best clothes and sprayed myself with my best aftershave. The deal was that I could get a lift there but I would have to make my own way back. I was ready to walk, if I needed to. If it was in the morning, I would rather that then get a lift from Jasmine and Richard.
I thrust some wine in my bag along with some pyjamas and headed downstairs. My Mum was already standing in the doorway.
‘Are you ready?’ She asked impatiently.
‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’ I said as I stepped out of the door and walked towards the car. I had left my cigarettes in their hiding place back in my room. They stood there like a ghost, hoping not to be discovered, hoping that it would not have to haunt whatever soul accidentally found it.
CHAPTER SIX
‘I think it’s this one.’ I said as the car slowed to a stop outside an unfamiliar house.
‘It is.’ My Mum said before adding ‘have fun’.
‘I’ll try.’ I said, exiting the car through its heavy, broken door and waving to my Mum as she drove off into the setting sun.
I looked through the window. There were five people inside. I recognised all of them, but it was not a large enough group that I could pretend that I fitted in. I knocked on the door and waited. No response. I knocked, slightly harder. A moment later Julie’s Mum opened the door with a heavy cold.
I was glad that it was Julie’s party. I liked her, she was actually fun. She seemed to have the ability to do whatever she wanted and it always seemed to be good for her.
‘Sorry, I didn’t hear you there.’ Julie’s Mum said through her wet nose. Her dog, Harry, ran up to me. I immediately dropped to my knees to play with him.
‘Oh, that’s fine.’ I said, ruffling the small dog’s hair as he licked my hands.
‘Julie, Tom’s here.’
A moment later the five emerged from the living room.
‘Hi, Tom!’ Jasmine said, standing next to me and infringing my personal space.
‘Hi, everyone.’ I said. ‘How are you all?’
This caused several different conversations to break out. I looked at Julie’s fish tank. Julie stood next to me and watched her pets with me. ‘So how many animals do you own?’
‘Including the fish. Three.’ She said, smiling. ‘Should we order pizza?’ She asked the group, returning to her living room.
The living room was warm. The television was neatly placed in one corner, with the sofa’s facing towards it. The curtains were drawn and the fireplace was empty. Music played softly in the background from a laptop. There were cards scattered everywhere, obviously from a game that I had missed. There was no alcohol in sight, so it can’t have been that fun a game. Nobody knew how to play poker except from me and Julie.
‘I love this song.’ Jasmine said. ‘It really speaks to me, you know?’ I didn’t know. The lyrics were a convoluted mess that attempted to bring together disparate ideas of lost love together with tenuous threads. I doubted Jasmine even knew what real love was.
‘Don’t order anything with meat.’ Richard barked from across the room. ‘I was watching this documentary and the world would be a much better place if nobody ate meat.’
‘People aren’t just going to stop eating meat, Rich.’ Julie said. It warranted complete silence. ‘Vegetarian it is.’ She said, opening her laptop to order. ‘So we can get three pizzas for an offer. Margherita, Greek Feast, and Vegetarian Hot alright with everyone?’
‘Ooh, Greek Feast, that sounds exciting.’ Richard said, looking at his nails.
‘Yeah, it does.’ Jasmine agreed.
‘We can get chicken wings.’ Julie said to me. I thanked her.
‘So where do you go?’ Rachael asked from the corner.
‘Durham.’ I responded, proud.
‘Do you like it?’
‘I love it.’ I said, looking down at my backpack.
‘UEA’s great.’ Richard said from his spot.
‘Yeah, UEA’s great.’ Jasmine chimed in.
‘Got any crazy stories?’ Rachael asked me.
‘Oh my God. I went to Amsterdam with my friends…’
‘You didn’t take any drugs did you!?’ Richard asked.
‘It’s alright if you did.’ Jasmine said. I knew that deep down there was a part of her that wanted to burst out and experiment with everything she could. It was the same part that Richard had the same grasp over: the depths of her chest.
‘Don’t worry, it’s not an interesting story.’ I said.
‘I’m going to get another water.’ Nicola said, peeling away from her spot on the sofa.
‘Is nobody drinking?’ I asked, only to find myself in a similar silence to that of the controversial meat comment.
‘Well you can.’ Richard said, before a pause. ‘If you need to.’
‘It’s fine, Tom.’ Julie said, half glaring at Richard.
‘Want any?’ I asked her as I bought out the bottle of wine. Everyone else in the room stared at it as if I had just retrieved a severed head from my bag.
‘No, I can’t. Doctor’s orders.’ Julie said.
‘So, Tom.’ Richard started, his eyes not peeling away from the bottle as I took a heavy sip directly from it. ‘Jasmine told me that you smoked.’
‘Did she now?’ Jasmine looked embarrassed.
‘Why is that?’ He continued.
‘It’s a long story that I don’t want to go into right now. You know. Personal stuff.’ I said. In truth I had started to smoke for the same reason I had started to sing and play guitar. ‘I am quitting, though.’
‘There’s a start.’ Richard said.
Nicola returned a moment later.
‘What did I miss?’ She asked.
‘Tom was just telling us about his time at Durham.’ Richard said, putting on a light smile.
‘It’s a lot of work, but it would be, being the best Literature degree in the country.’ I looked directly at Richard. He was doing Creative Writing at UEA. ‘So how is the University of Easy Access?’ I asked, entirely conscious of what these people and this town turned me into.
‘It’s good fun.’
‘What are your plans after uni?’ I paused, hearing my Father in my voice. ‘Everyone?’ I added, saving myself.
‘Well I want to be a writer.’ Richard cut in. ‘I feel like I have the ability to change the world with my fingertips. There’s so much wrong. I’m doing this film about it up in Newcastle in a couple of months. I’m so excited.’ Jasmine looked at him with loving eyes. I smiled to myself slightly. Richard was the type of person who had never been through hardship and so thrust himself at whatever was popular to hate. I fought against stigma regarding mental illness when it came to writing. I had had my fair share of that. ‘Jasmine?’
‘I want to be an aid worker.’ She said. The same person
that ignored the hardship at her doorstep. Everything was fine if you could leave your work behind convinced that you had fixed all of those poor helpless people’s hardships, but it was me knocking for help all I had gotten was man up or just get over it. I remember distinctly her surprise at the fact that disabled people didn’t want you to feel sorry for them. No shit. Funnily enough, they’re people too.
‘I want to work in politics.’ Rachael said. University had robbed her of her school-famous sense of humour. She had left the bubble of private jokes and reasonable requests and had installed a youth centre in town that nobody had either asked for or wanted.
‘Well, I’m doing History.’ Nicola said. ‘I’m hoping my plans will become apparent someday.’ Nicola had ended up in the same university as so many others from our school. She always used to have a plan, now she had been dragged down by the continuation of immature and unfunny jokes from high school. I saw sadness in her eyes.
‘I don’t mind.’ Julie said. ‘I don’t care what I get paid or what time I have to get up. It’s pointless picking a job, now. I’m sure there are millions we’ve never heard of.’
‘Ooh, I want that, too!’ Julie said, abandoning her apparently noble aims.
‘What about you? Still want to be a performer?’ Richard asked me.
‘Yeah.’ I said. I never had to feel shame about my aims and ambition when I was at university.
‘So, a busker, then?’ He laughed. Rachael and Jasmine laughed along. ‘Can you even sing, though, Tom?’
‘I don’t know.’ I said to myself. Something began to build up inside me, some fiery rage. ‘But what I do know is that every writing competition we ever entered I was shortlisted and you were ignored. Unconditional offer, was it?’
There was a silence within the room.
Julie’s phone began to ring.
‘I’ll get it.’ She said. ‘Yup?’ She answered the phone. ‘Pizza’s here in five.’
‘Thank God, I’m starving.’ Nicola said, trying to lift the tension.
I took another large sip out of my wine. I had already drank half of it.
‘Are you having all of that?’ Rachael laughed. ‘Tom, this is an intervention.’ The truth masked in the thin veil of a joke.
‘How often do you drink?’ Jasmine asked softly.
‘Well pretty much every night there’s a place to go.’ I said, remembering all of the clubs in Durham. The nightlife wasn’t great but it was mine. It was too far north to be tainted by visitors from Bishop’s Wood. Nobody could criticise the worst night-club in Europe. Nobody else had braved it and survived.
‘Cool.’ Jasmine said, before catching Richard’s glare and staring at her hands. ‘That’s a lot, though.’
‘This is first year, we just need to pass.’ I said.
‘Yeah, but I want to pass well.’ Richard said.
‘Is there such a thing? A first in Creative Writing doesn’t count as a first.’ I hated what I was saying. It was unfair on so many people. I knew but a single person doing it and I had condemned everyone because he had a lack of personality.
The doorbell rang.
‘Pizza’s here.’ Julie said, pretending that she was excited.
‘I’ll help.’ I said, standing and following her into the hallway. ‘I’m sorry, this is your party and I’m ruining it by being here.’
‘No.’ she said. ‘You’re my friend, Tom, I want you here. Just ignore Richard.’
We carried the pizza back into the room. A forced smile hung across my lips.
‘So, Richard. Veganism?’ I tried.
‘I just thought that I should give back to the forces of the universe that surround us and penetrate us. ’ Richard answered before biting into his Greek Feast. Jasmine’s eyes lightened up.
‘Isn’t he so deep?’ She said.
‘Isn’t that Ben Kenobi?’ I said, mimicking her tone.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ He said, taking another bite out of his pizza. He seemed unaware of the feta cheese that was littered across the slice. ‘Anyway, you wouldn’t understand.’
‘Most of my friends are vegetarian or vegan. They do it for the small but impactful change it has on the meat industry. They don’t judge non-vegetarians or non-vegans. They know that they’re helping in their own personal way.’ I said through gritted teeth.
‘So does Richard.’ Jasmine said.
‘Well that’s alright, then.’ I said, purposefully eating one of the chicken wings. ‘So the movie, earlier…’
‘What movie?’ Rachael asked with her mouth full.
‘We saw Tom at the cinema.’ Jasmine said, rubbing Richard’s arm. ‘Didn’t we?’
‘Yeah, we’d just seen the most amazing film ever. It was so funny.’ I think that Richard had missed the point. There was no intentional humour, at least.
‘I mean, it was a bit farfetched.’ Jasmine said.
‘Well, yeah, but still great.’ Richard said.
After the pizza I faded into the background, speaking to one person at a time for the rest of the night. Time passed quicker and quicker as I took sip after sip of my cheap wine. I got more and more talkative as the liquid sand-timer counted down to some semblance of self-confidence.
‘My parents will be here any minute.’ Jasmine said. ‘Sorry I can’t stay.’
Jasmine walked into the corridor and began to put her shoes on. I followed her.
‘Can I have a lift, please?’ I asked softly.
‘Of course. You can sit in the front.’ She said.
‘What about Richard?’ I asked.
‘He’s staying overnight.’ Rachael said loudly from the living room. I saw Jasmine’s face fall slightly as silence followed the statement.
‘Yes, he’s staying.’ Jasmine said, breaking the silence and forcing her lips back upwards. ‘We can have a DMC in the car.’
‘A what?’ I asked.
‘Deep, meaningful conversation.’ Nicola yelled from somewhere.
‘Sounds good.’ I said, even though I knew for a fact that every single one of my deep, meaningful conversations had not been started artificially. ‘You can start.’ I added.
There was a knock on the door.
‘Right.’ Jasmine started, before opening the door. Her Dad stood behind it.
‘Hi, Tom.’ He said with a broad smile. ‘How are you?’
I responded as everyone emerged from the living room. I hugged every single person and said goodbye, before stopping in front of Julie and thanking her for having me. She said that she would message me, later. We could go out for drinks in town, it would be as if nothing had changed.
‘Actually, maybe you should sit in the back.’ Jasmine said to me, the heavy wind sweeping up her hair and throwing it everywhere as we walked to her car.
Her Dad sat in the front in silence, listening to the radio and concentrating on the roads. We pulled away from Julie’s house and Jasmine said something I would never forget. ‘I just want it to be special.’ From the fact that she was whispering I knew exactly what she was talking about. ‘I just want to wait.’ She paused.
‘So, Tom, it’s Durham, isn’t it?’ Her Dad asked loudly over the radio.
‘Yeah, Durham.’ I said, still watching Jasmine as all of her apprehensions and suspicions danced across her face. ‘Richard’s an arsehole.’ I whispered to her.
‘How is it up there? Pretty far, isn’t it?’ He laughed. ‘Was that on purpose?’
‘I know but I love him.’ Jasmine whispered to me.
‘Not at all.’ I said to her Dad, before whispering ‘you’re eighteen, you don’t have to settle for him’ to Jasmine.
‘What’s the course like? Busy, I imagine.’ Her Dad said.
‘Part of me wants to, though.’ Jasmine whispered to me.
‘Oh, so busy.’ I responded to her Dad. ‘There isn’t even time to sleep.’ I turned to Jasmine. ‘What does the other part want?’
‘What’s the nightlife like up there?’ Her Dad asked.
‘I don’t know.’ Jasmine whispered to me.
‘I love it but it’s not for everyone.’ I said to her Dad. ‘You’re going to have to find out.’ I whispered to Jasmine.
‘I know.’ Jasmine whispered back.
‘I know the feeling. I was young once, too, you know.’ Her Dad said, shifting his gaze slightly. I laughed my long-rehearsed laugh.
‘If you don’t you’re just going to end up getting hurt.’ I whispered.
‘I know. You’re right.’
‘What’s that, honey?’ Jasmine’s Dad asked, looking to her.
‘Oh, nothing.’ She said. I knew that she probably wouldn’t take my advice. The rest of the journey was silent, apart from a few perfunctory exchanges of conversation.
When I got back home I stumbled back to my room. The wine had finally kicked in. I wasn’t that drunk, but it was enough to loosen my grip on things.
After I smoked the last cigarette before bed, the nicotine rush hit me. It mixed with the alcohol in my bloodstream and caused me to drop the still smoking butt. It landed in the grass of the garden, planting itself amongst it. I’ll get it tomorrow. I said to myself as I lurched towards my bed. Slept found me quickly and silently. I dreamt of nothing.
CHAPTER SEVEN
As time moved on I did not.
My parents had asked me how the party was. I had told them the truth. They had offered a rational response.
I had gotten my promised Easter egg on the Sunday, after we had gone to Church.
After that my reality became a loop. My parents had gone back to work and so the days were filled with waking up after mid-day, trying and failing to write, messing about on whatever device happened to be within my grasp, smoking, and going to bed.
A couple of days I actually met up with friends. One’s that I wanted to see. Even then there was an undertone of loneliness as I knew that they would leave as soon as they had arrived to return to their revision or their own talents or devices.
Other than that my lungs heaved as my plastic gum container filled with more and more butts. I was supposed to smoke less at home, not more. I never needed cigarettes when I was doing something and I wasn’t doing enough to drag me from that poisonous smog and that woman with the dog at her heels.
