19. Babies Are Noisy Sleepers
Infants make a lot of noise when they sleep. They whine. They move their arms like traffic cops. This does not mean they are awake. If you instantly race in to their rooms or pick them up each time they make a peep, you will sometimes wake them up.
20. Do “The Pause”
We know that babies often cry when they’re learning to connect their sleep cycles. We also know that they can make a noise like an angry frog and yet still be asleep. So from the time the baby is a few weeks old, pause a bit when he cries at night.*
You are waiting to see if, this time, he will have a breakthrough moment and plunge into the next sleep cycle on his own, without anyone else’s help. If you immediately rush in and pick him up, he won’t have a chance to develop this skill.
Maybe the baby isn’t ready to connect his cycles yet. But if you don’t pause, you won’t know, and neither will the baby. He’ll think he needs you to put him back to sleep at the end of each cycle. Rushing in may make you feel like a devoted and sacrificial parent. But in effect you’re treating your baby like a helpless blob who is not ready to learn and grow.
You needn’t pause for very long. Some French parents wait five minutes or so. Others wait a bit more, or less. They’re not letting the baby cry it out. If after these few minutes he’s still crying, they reason that he must need something. Then they pick him up.
21. Get Baby in the Mood to Sleep
The Pause is necessary but not sufficient to teach babies how to sleep. The French believe you should also have rituals that set the tone for bedtime. Keep the baby near daylight during the day, even when he’s napping. Signal to him that the big nighttime sleep is approaching by giving him a bath, changing him into pajamas, singing him a lullaby, and actually saying “good night.” Once he’s calm and relaxed, but preferably still awake, put him to bed in a dark room at night. Spending cozy time together before bed matters. You want to send him off to sleep feeling secure enough that he can separate from you for a little while and still be okay.
22. Try the Talking Cure
Why talk to everyone else about how your baby sleeps except the baby himself? Tell him it’s bedtime. Explain that the whole family needs rest. Say that if he wakes up in the night, you’re going to pause a few minutes before you come in to him, because you want him to be able to fall back asleep on his own. Tell him how nice it will be for everyone—including him—when he no longer needs to wake up at 3:00 A.M. One French baby book says that after a baby sleeps through the night for the first time, his parents should tell him how pleased and proud they are. Doing this also helps lock in the baby’s newfound ability.
23. Sleeping Well Is Better for the Baby
French parents don’t sleep-teach babies just for their own convenience. They also believe that sleeping well is in a child’s best interest. Research backs them up: a child who sleeps poorly can become hyperactive and irritable, have trouble learning and remembering things, and have more accidents. (My personal studies suggest that the same is true for sleep-deprived parents.)
And sleep contains an important symbolic lesson for babies: learning to sleep is part of learning to be part of the family. Babies eventually need to adapt to what others need, too. Three months—the age when many French babies sleep through the night—happens to be about when French maternity leave ends, and many mamans need to be fresh for work in the morning.
24. Don’t Expect Any of This to Work Immediately
It probably won’t. But stick with it and stay confident that your baby will, as the French say, “do his nights.” Convey this confidence to your baby (it helps!). Believe that if you keep gently and patiently teaching your baby how to sleep well, he will eventually learn—often just when your own sleep-deprivation experiment starts to feel unbearable.
25. If You Miss the Window for the Pause, Let Baby Cry It Out
The gentle sleep-teaching method of The Pause works best in the baby’s first four months. When parents miss this window, French experts often suggest doing some form of crying it out—leaving the baby to cry for a longer period. Talk to the baby about this, too. It generally succeeds within a few nights.
Chapter 4
bébé
gourmet
Imagine a planet where family mealtimes are pleasant, children eat the same foods as their parents, and few kids get fat. That planet is France. But none of this happens automatically. French parents set out to teach their kids how to eat well, and they work at it assiduously. Their efforts pay off four times a day. The moral of the French food story is: treat your child like a little gourmet, and he will (gradually) rise to the occasion.
26. There Are No “Kid” Foods
You can find chicken nuggets, fish fingers, and pizza in France. But these are occasional foods for kids, typically not daily fare (the same goes for French fries—known locally as frites). Parents almost never let their kids become picky eaters who survive on mono-diets of pasta and white rice. Starting from a very young age, French kids mostly eat the same foods as their parents. The weekly lunch menu at Paris’s state-run day care consists of four-course meals (including a cheese course) that look like something you might order in a bistro (see the sample weekly crèche menu on page 375).
27. There’s One Snack a Day
I used to find it hard to imagine kids going from breakfast to lunch without as much as a raisin in between. But I’ve discovered that this feat is possible and even pleasant. French kids typically eat only at mealtimes and at the afternoon snack, called the goûter (pronounced gew-tay).
It turns out that if the child doesn’t snack much, she’s hungry by mealtimes, so she eats more. There’s also something calming about not regarding every moment as a potential eating opportunity. Everyone can get on with other things. And once you’re in the swing of this one-snack system, the goûter becomes a special little occasion every day. It’s usually some combination of sweets, dairy, and fruit. Often there’s some chocolate. One classic goûter is a chocolate sandwich—a piece of dark chocolate in a baguette. It might come with a box of juice.
28. Don’t Solve a Crisis with a Cookie
Not producing an Oreo whenever a child whines can have far-reaching benefits. First, you’re not rewarding her outbursts, so you’re not encouraging her to whine again. Second, you’re teaching her not to eat just because she’s upset. She’ll thank you when she’s thirty and can still fit into her high school jeans.
29. You Are the Keeper of the Fridge
In France, kids don’t have the right to open the refrigerator and take whatever they want. They have to ask their parents first. This doesn’t just cut down on the snacking in the house. It also cuts down on the chaos.
30. Let Kids Cook
The five-year-old French girl who lives next door to us measures and mixes the oil, vinegar, mustard, and salt for the family’s vinaigrette all by herself. It’s no coincidence that she loves salad. We all feel more invested in foods that we’ve had a hand in preparing. (Just think how much you want everyone to taste your casserole at Thanksgiving.)
I’ve seen French two-year-olds sit at the kitchen counter tearing up spinach. Three-year-olds learn to peel cucumbers, cut tomatoes with a blunt-tipped knife, and mix the batter for crepes. Parents oversee this process and don’t mind a little mess. Plus there’s no better time to find out what happened to your kindergartner at school than when you are peeling the shells off hard-boiled eggs together.
When the cooking is done, eat as the French typically do: together, at the table, with the television off.
31. Serve Food in Courses, Vegetables First
Family meals don’t need to be fancy. You don’t need to light candles or drape a white napkin over your arm. Just bring out some vegetables first, before anything else. If your kids haven’t been snacking all day, they will be hungry and more likely to eat them. (The same strategy works at breakfast with cut-up fruit.) A vegetable starter
doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be a bowl of peas in pods (all the better to shell them), some cut-up cherry tomatoes with salt and olive oil, or sautéed broccoli. Just put a serving on each child’s plate, and wait.
32. Everyone Eats the Same Thing
In France, children don’t decide what they’ll have for dinner. There are no choices or customizations. There’s just one meal, the same one for everyone. It’s safe to try this at home. If a child doesn’t eat something, or barely eats it, react neutrally. Do not offer her something else instead. If she is just emerging from a kids’ food ghetto, ease her into it by making family meals that everyone likes, then gradually introducing new dishes.
Above all, stay positive and calm. Give the new rules time to settle. Remember that you’re crediting your child with being able to eat the same foods as you. Accompany the new rules with some new freedoms, like letting her cut the quiche, or sprinkle the Parmesan cheese herself. When you eat in a restaurant, let her order what she wants, within reason.
33. You Just Have to Taste It
Most kids like ice cream instantly (though mine strangely complained that it was “too cold”). However, many other foods take some warming up to. Their very newness puts kids off. It’s only through trying these foods lots of times that kids start to like them.
This is the cornerstone of the way the French feed their children. Kids have to take at least one bite of every dish that’s on the table. I’m sure there are French families who don’t consider this rule to be sacred and infallible, but I have yet to meet them.
Present the tasting rule to your child as if it’s a law of nature—like gravity. Explain that our tastes are shaped by what we eat. If she’s nervous about tasting something for the first time, let her just pick up a piece and sniff it (often a little nibble will follow). One new food per meal is enough. Serve it alongside something you know she likes.
Oversee this process without acting like a prison guard. Be calm and even playful about it. After she takes the requisite bite, acknowledge this. React neutrally if she says she doesn’t like it. Never offer a replacement food. Remember, you’re playing the long game. You don’t want her to eat an artichoke once, under duress. You want her to gradually learn to like artichokes.
34. Keep Foods in the Rotation
Even if a certain food isn’t a hit, make sure it keeps coming back. Put broccoli in soup, melt some cheese on it, or stir-fry it. Broccoli might never be your daughter’s favorite food. But with each taste, it will get closer to becoming part of her repertoire. She’ll come to regard it as normal. Once it’s solidly established, keep it in the mix. Ultimately, your child won’t love all foods. But she’ll give each one a chance.
35. You Choose the Foods, She Chooses the Quantities
A child knows (or should learn to know) when she’s had enough. Serve smallish portions, and don’t pressure her to finish. Wait and see if she asks for seconds before serving more. If she asks for a third helping of pasta, offer her a yogurt or some cheese instead. Sweeten the deal by letting her add some honey or a spoonful of jam to plain yogurt. After that, let her choose a fresh fruit or a fruit puree (like those small containers of unsweetened applesauce).
The goal isn’t to cajole enough nutrients into a child’s mouth at every sitting. It’s to guide her into becoming an independent eater who enjoys food and regulates her own appetite. If she doesn’t eat enough at one meal, she’ll catch up at the next one. If she’s always snacking, she’ll never learn to eat at mealtimes.
36. Variety, Variety
The French are nuts about variety. They serve kids lots of different foods, prepared lots of different ways. They aim for a variety of textures and colors, too. This has many benefits:
•Kids get a variety of nutrients. They’re more likely to eat a balanced diet if they eat lots of different foods.
•It makes mealtimes more peaceful. If your kids are used to different foods, you don’t have to be terrified that a picky eater will erupt at the sight of an herb in her soup.
•It’s more social. You can take your child anywhere and she’ll find something she likes. You won’t have to keep apologizing to hosts who don’t serve plain pasta. You build complicity with your child as you roll with it together.
•It’s more pleasurable for the child. Her world expands as she discovers different tastes, smells, and textures.
•It shows your confidence in your child. If you treat her like a budding food adventurer, she’ll eventually live up to your expectations. Whereas if you treat her like a finicky eater who can handle only grilled cheese and the occasional banana, that’s what she’ll become.
37. Drink Water
In France, chilled or lukewarm water is the de facto drink at lunch and dinner (and anytime in between). Parents typically don’t take drink orders; they just put a pitcher of water on the table. (This quickly becomes a habit.) Juice is for breakfast and for the occasional afternoon snack. Sugary drinks are for special occasions like parties.
38. Looks Matter
Everyone is more drawn to food that looks appetizing. In Parisian restaurants, almost as much thought goes into presenting food as into cooking it. That can be your principle at home, too. Put takeout on serving plates. Garnish a monotone dinner with cherry tomatoes or some grated carrots. Enlist kids to arrange raw vegetables on a platter, or assemble colorful sandwich melts, which you then broil in the oven. From two or three years old, all kids can eat on ceramic plates and drink out of small glasses, as French kids do.
39. Talk About Food
French people talk a lot about food. That’s part of how they convey to kids that eating isn’t just for nutrition—it’s a full-on sensory experience. Food guides suggest getting beyond “I like it” / “I don’t like it” and instead suggest asking questions such as: Are the apples sour or sweet? How does mackerel taste different from salmon? Which is better—red-leaf lettuce or arugula?
Treat food as an endless conversation starter. When the cake collapses or the stew is a disaster, laugh about it together.
At the supermarket, take a walking tour of the produce department, and let your kid choose some fruits and vegetables (one of my sons likes to ride in the shopping cart wielding a giant leek).
Above all, keep the food chat positive. If your child abruptly announces that she doesn’t like pears anymore, calmly ask what she’s decided to like instead.
40. Have the Day’s Nutritional Balance in Mind
French parents carry around a little mental map of what their kids eat each day. They expect them to get most of their protein at lunchtime, whereas dinner will center on grains and vegetables. Kids typically eat sugary foods for dessert with lunch or at the afternoon goûter. Dinnertime dessert is usually yogurt or cheese and fruit. (“What you eat in the evening just stays with you for years,” one French mother explained to me.)
41. Dinner Shouldn’t Involve Hand-to-Hand Combat
A French nutritionist says her best advice is this: Don’t let your child see how desperately you want him to eat his vegetables.
Don’t puff up with exaggerated food cheer either. Play it cool. Those haricots verts you’ve just placed on the table are not the Second Coming. The tone you’re aiming for at mealtimes is cheerful nonchalance. Just be calmly positive about food. Tell kids that meals are a time for the whole family to be together and enjoy one another’s company.
42. Eat Chocolate
Don’t treat candy like it’s kryptonite or try to pretend that refined sugar doesn’t exist. That will just make kids more likely to go overboard when they finally get their hands on some. Instead, teach them that sweets are occasional pleasures to enjoy in controlled doses. French kids eat small helpings of chocolate or cookies on a regular basis, usually at the afternoon goûter. They often eat cake on weekends, just not too much. On birthdays and at school parties, parents tend to give kids free rein. We all need some time away fro
m the regular rules.
43. Keep Meals Short and Sweet
Dinner is not a hostage situation. Don’t expect young kids to stay at the table for longer than twenty or thirty minutes. When they ask to be liberated, let them go. With age comes longer meals.
In restaurants, leaving the table usually isn’t an option. Plan these outings carefully. Make sure that children arrive hungry and not exhausted. Bring some books or drawing supplies. Before you go inside, explain even to little children that special rules apply—one of which is that they can choose what they’ll eat. Remind them to be sage—calm and in control of themselves. (Unlike the English equivalent, “Be good,” this implies a certain wisdom and capacity for self-control.)
Chapter 5
sooner isn’t better
It is tempting to think of early childhood as the start of a marathon in which the finish line is admission to a university (winners get to go to the Ivy League). In this analogy, you’d want your kids off to a fast start—to begin talking, reading, and doing math as soon as possible. You’d give them flash cards, brain-building toys, and maybe a special contraption to help them learn to walk.
Bringing Up Bébé Page 30
