87. Men, Praise Mom for Her Mastery of the Mundane
Centuries of expert courtship have taught Frenchmen that you cannot overpraise a woman. They try to compensate for their shortcomings at home by marveling at the dull and time-consuming tasks their partners perform and by confessing that such multitasking is beyond them. (When said gallantly, this sounds less patronizing than you’d expect.) If the woman doesn’t have a paying job, Frenchmen are wise enough never to ask: What did you do all day?
88. Maintain Some Mystery About Yourself
Don’t have an extramarital affair, or do terrible things in secret (it may surprise you to know that ordinary French citizens rarely cheat; it’s French presidents who tend to be terribly unfaithful). But keep a bit of mystery in your marriage, à la française. Let there be innuendo, knowing glances, and things left unsaid. It’s okay to flirt with others, too. Realize that—unlike in Hollywood scripts—you can feel energized by these interactions without their leading inexorably to adultery and death.
89. Make Evenings Adult Time
After the stories, songs, and cuddles, French parents are firm about bedtime. They believe that having some kid-free time in the evenings is not an occasional privilege; it’s a fundamental human right. Ditto with spending the occasional evening out or escaping for a restorative long weekend à deux. The French don’t have an equivalent of “date night.” When they can, they just go out—the way our parents used to. They consider a solid and loving marriage to be essential to the happy functioning of the whole family. Explain this honestly to the kids; they’ll get it.
90. Don’t Put a Teepee in Your Living Room
The French know that it’s hard to enjoy adult time when you’re staring at a miniature kitchen. They typically don’t let children’s toys and games reside permanently in the living room. Make a family ritual of putting them back in the kids’ rooms before bedtime. Have a (non-Technicolor) box in the living room where you can hide stray LEGOS and doll extremities. Don’t let baby-proofing be your dominant interior design motif.
Chapter 10
just say “non”
A battle cry of French parenting is: It’s me who decides (C’est moi qui décide). Parents say—and occasionally shout—this phrase to remind everyone who’s in charge or to shift the balance of power back in their favor. Just uttering it is fortifying. (Try saying it, even in French. You’ll feel your back stiffen.)
To be the decider, you don’t have to be an ogre. French parents don’t want to turn their kids into obedient robots. But they still agree with Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s contention, made 250 years ago, that perpetual negotiations are bad for kids. “The worst education is to leave him floating between his will and yours, and to dispute endlessly between you and him as to which of the two will be the master.”
91. Say “No” with Conviction
The French didn’t invent non. But they’re especially good at saying it. They don’t worry that blocking a child will limit his creativity or crush his spirit. They believe that kids blossom best inside limits, and that it’s reassuring to know that a grown-up is steering the ship.
The French non is convincing partly because parents don’t say it constantly. They believe that a few strategically administered no’s have a better chance of registering with kids than a blizzard of them. They’re consistently strict about a few key things.
But the real secret is the unambivalent delivery. Kids can tell when you really mean no and you won’t back down. You don’t have to shout it. Just look directly at the child, kneeling down if you have to, and explain the rule with calm confidence. This takes some practice, when you get your no right, you’ll feel it. You won’t just sound more authoritative to your child; you will actually believe yourself to be the boss.
92. Say “Yes” as Often as You Can
The French believe that another key to having authority with your child is to say yes as often as you can. (One expert points out that authority has the same root as authorize.) It takes some recalibrating to make your default answer become yes. But doing this has a calming effect. The child feels more respected, and she gets to satisfy her need to do things for herself. Of course, total freedom would be overwhelming. The ideal French scenario is that the child asks permission to do something, and the parent grants it.
93. Explain the Reason Behind the Rule
When you say no, you should always explain why not. You’re not trying to scare your child into obeying you. Rather, you want to create a world that’s coherent and predictable to him, and to show that you respect his autonomy and intelligence.
If a situation is dangerous, act first and give your reason afterward. Always be matter-of-fact: you don’t want your explanation to sound like a negotiation (it’s not). Sometimes it helps to refresh kids on the rules. One French mom says that as soon as she walks into the supermarket, she reminds her two girls that they’re there to buy necessities for the house, not toys or candy. She says she’s been so consistent about applying this, the girls don’t even ask for these extras anymore. (They can choose to buy them with their pocket money.)
When speaking to kids, French parents will often use the language of rights: “You don’t have the right to bite Pierre.” This implies that there’s a coherent system of rules and that the child does have the right to do other things.
94. Sometimes Your Child Will Hate You
French psychologists say that kids’ desires are practically endless. Your job as a parent is to stop this chain by sometimes saying no. The child will probably get angry when you do this. She might even temporarily hate you. This isn’t a sign that you’re a terrible parent. “If the parent isn’t there to stop him, then he’s the one who’s going to have to stop himself or not stop himself, and that’s much more anxiety-provoking,” one psychologist explains. In other words, if you need your child to like you all the time, you simply cannot do your job. Be strong and your child will, as the French say, “find her place.”
95. Dedramatize
This word comes up a lot in France when it comes to dealing with upset or cranky kids of all ages. The idea is that you should drain some intensity from conflictual moments by responding calmly to them, or by lightening the mood with a joke.
Avoid castigating your child in front of others. One French mom told me she suspected that her teenage daughter was smoking cigarettes during a sleepover, but she waited until the friend left the next morning before mentioning it. “If you make a scene, your child will stop talking to you,” she explained.
Aim to have authority without losing your connection with the child. If you’re so angry that you need time to cool off, then say so. “I don’t think the world of children is so far from the world of adults. They’re capable of understanding everything,” this mom said.
96. You’re Not Disciplining, You’re Educating
The next time your child speaks with a mouth full of pasta, remember that you’re gradually teaching her table manners, in the same way that you would teach her to do math. In other words, the learning doesn’t happen all at once. As the French say, you’re not disciplining, you’re giving the child an éducation, an ongoing process that starts when kids are very young. Unlike discipline, éducation (which has nothing to do with school) is something parents imagine themselves to be doing all the time. Reminding yourself of this will help you feel less disrespected and angry when the occasional slice of cucumber lands on your lap.
Don’t jump on your child for every offense. The French call a small act of naughtiness a bêtise (pronounced beh-teeze). Having this word helps keep the crime in perspective. When your child jumps on the couch or swipes a piece of bread off the counter before dinner, she’s just done a bêtise. All kids do them sometimes. Save your punishments for the felonies. It will help her learn what’s important.
97. Do the Big Eyes
In France, one suitable response to a bêtise is to give a child “the big ey
es.” It’s a disapproving, owl-like look that serves as a warning. It means that you saw what she did, and she should watch her step. “The important thing is that she knows she’s breaking a rule,” one mother told me.
98. Give Kids Time to Comply
You’re running a family, not a military battalion. Don’t expect your child to jump as soon as you issue an order. Explain what you’d like her to do, then watch and wait for her to comply. Obviously you’re applying pressure. But you also want to give her autonomy over how and at what speed she complies. It’s more likely to be an effective long-term lesson if she feels that she has some say in the matter, too.
99. Punish Rarely, but Make It Matter
To be puni in a French family is a big deal. It’s not something that usually happens every night at dinner. Experts say a punishment should be administered immediately and matter-of-factly, without malice. Parents typically send a naughty child to her room to “marinate,” or think on it, and tell her to come out when she’s calm and ready to talk. For older kids, the punishment is often a few days without TV, computers, video games, or a cell phone. Parents say they’re careful to warn children before punishing them, and to follow through on their threats. They also try to be fair on the other end—by returning the phone on the promised day. After a conflict, they say it’s the parent’s role to reestablish the connection, for instance by suggesting that they play a favorite game together. They teach the child that after the storm comes calm.
100. Sometimes There’s Nothing You Can Do
Know when to fold ’em. There are times when nothing works, and you have to wait it out. Remember, you’re on a long-term mission to educate. You don’t have to win every battle.
favorite recipes from the parisian crèche
These dishes are eaten by children aged three and under who attend Paris’s public day cares. They’re typically cooked from scratch by in-house chefs at each center, then served as part of four-course meals composed of an appetizer, a main course and side dish, a cheese course, and then a fruit dessert (kids under twelve months have just two courses). A crèche nutritionist has adapted the quantities for family dining; each recipe serves two adults and two children.
Appetizers and Side Dishes
Carottes Râpées à l’Orange
Grated Carrots with Orange
This dish can be prepared just before serving or allowed to marinate overnight.
3 carrots
2 tablespoons canola oil
Juice of 1 orange
1⁄8 clove crushed garlic
Pinch of salt
Grate the carrots.
Mix the oil, juice, garlic, and salt in a small bowl.
Pour this mixture over the grated carrots and toss.
Velouté d’Artichaut à la Crème
Creamy Artichoke Soup
1 large Idaho or russet potato
2 shallots, finely chopped
2 tablespoons olive oil
6 canned or bottled artichoke bottoms, diced
Water (about 2 cups)
Salt
2 tablespoons crème fraîche (or sour cream)
Herbs (parsley, basil, or cilantro), chopped
Wash and peel the potato. Dice it into large pieces.
In a large pan or casserole dish, sauté the shallots in a little olive oil.
Add the potatoes and the artichokes. Sauté them for 2 to 3 minutes.
Cover the vegetables with water, add some salt, and cook for about 40 minutes (or 20 minutes in a pressure cooker).
After cooking, add the cream and mix well. If you prefer a smooth consistency, use a hand mixer to blend the soup.
Keep the soup warm until you’re ready to eat it. Add a pinch of chopped herbs before serving.
Brocoli Braisé
Braised Broccoli
1 pound broccoli, fresh or frozen
Salt
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
Steam fresh broccoli for 4 to 5 minutes, or submerge it in boiling water for 5 to 6 minutes. Steam frozen broccoli for 8 to 10 minutes, or submerge it in boiling water for 10 to 12 minutes. The broccoli should be firm, not mushy. Save some of the cooking water. Drain the broccoli well and add a few pinches of salt.
Melt the butter in a pan. Sauté the broccoli in the butter over medium heat for 5 minutes, until it’s tender. If the broccoli is still too firm, moisten it with a bit of the cooking water.
Main Courses
Potage Complet Lentilles
Complete-Meal Lentil Soup
2 shallots, chopped
Olive oil
2 cups lentils
2 medium potatoes, peeled, washed, and chopped into medium-sized pieces
5 cups cold water
1 clove garlic, chopped
Black pepper
1/2 teaspoon cumin
2 medium carrots, peeled
Salt
1/4 cup crème fraîche or sour cream (optional)
2 ounces boneless chicken breasts, finely diced
Parsley, chopped
In a large saucepan, sauté the shallots in some olive oil, add the lentils and potatoes, and cover with the cold water. Add the garlic, black pepper, cumin, and carrots.
Bring to a boil and simmer, covered, over medium heat for 45 minutes, or until the potatoes and lentils are soft. Add more water if needed. Season with salt. Stir the crème fraîche into the lentils (you can mix in less cream if you want, or just add a dollop to each bowl before serving). While the lentils are cooking, use a sauté pan to brown the chicken in a little olive oil. Pour the soup into bowls, then add some chicken and a pinch of parsley to each.
Saumon à la Créole
Salmon Creole
This dish has become a staple in Parisian crèches thanks to the many in-house chefs who hail from the French Caribbean.
1 medium onion, chopped
11/2 tablespoons sunflower or olive oil
141/2 ounces diced tomatoes, canned or fresh
1/2 teaspoon thyme, chopped
1 bay leaf
Parsley, chopped
Salt and pepper
4 medium-sized salmon fillets, fresh or frozen
Juice of 1 lemon
Preheat the oven to 425ºF.
In a large pan, sauté the onion in the oil.
Add the tomatoes, thyme, bay leaf, parsley, and salt and pepper. Cover and let simmer for 15 minutes.
Place the salmon fillets in an ovenproof pan. (If you’re using frozen fillets, first defrost them in a microwave oven.)
Squeeze the lemon juice over the salmon, then spoon the tomato mixture on top of that. Bake in the oven for 20 to 30 minutes, or until thoroughly cooked. Before serving remove the bay leaf and any bones, and add a pinch of fresh parsley or chives to each plate. Serve the salmon with rice and a side of vegetables (braised broccoli, for instance).
Flan de Courgettes
Zucchini Flan
3 medium-sized zucchini
2 shallots, finely chopped
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 eggs
A bit less than 1 cup crème fraîche (or sour cream)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3/4 cup grated cheese (Gruyère or Swiss)
Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
Wash and peel the zucchini. Cook them whole, either by steaming them for 9 minutes or by submerging them in boiling water for 15 minutes.
Drain the zucchini well. Cut them into thin round slices.
Sauté the shallots in the olive oil.
In a bowl, mix the eggs, crème fraîche, shallots, salt, and nutmeg. Don’t overmix.
Line a square or rectangular pan with parchment paper (if you have it).
Arrange a layer of zucchini in the bottom of
the pan.
Spoon the egg mixture over the zucchini until it’s completely covered. Add another layer of zucchini and cover with the egg mixture again. Keep doing this until you’ve used up all the ingredients.
Sprinkle the cheese over the top and bake for 30 to 40 minutes.
Optional (but highly recommended): top each serving of zucchini flan with a bit of warm tomato coulis (see recipe below).
Tomato Coulis
4 large ripe tomatoes (or about 11 ounces canned diced tomatoes)
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 clove garlic, peeled and left whole
1/2 teaspoon thyme, chopped
1/2 teaspoon parsley, chopped
1 bay leaf
1/2 tablespoon sugar
Salt and pepper
For fresh tomatoes: Cut the skin at the base of the tomatoes and plunge them into boiling water for 30 seconds so you can easily remove the skin. Peel, seed, and dice them.
Heat the oil in a saucepan. Add the garlic, thyme, parsley, bay leaf, tomatoes, sugar, and salt and pepper. Cover and simmer on low heat for 20 to 30 minutes.
Remove the garlic clove and bay leaf before serving.
Bringing Up Bébé Page 33
