by D. A. Roach
beets
tuna
water
Dinner
hotdog
cauliflower
8 oyster crackers
3 teaspoons vanilla ice cream
How did I eat that? Was I even fat enough to need to diet at 9 years old? I decided the food combinations were too obvious and I didn't want my parents to know I was dieting. After paging through all of the leaflets, I realized they all had weird food combinations and would be too obvious so I decided to just eat lots of fruits and vegetables, not much else. I closed the drawer and threw on some clothes. I needed to eat a quick breakfast and do some Christmas shopping today. With no car at college, I had to accomplish all my shopping today. Christmas Eve was tomorrow and my parents had plans for the family that day.
I grabbed an orange and a small glass of milk and sat at the table to page through the ads. I decided to buy my mom some of her favorite makeup and buy my dad his favorite cologne. After my meal I wrote a note to my parent's to tell them I was out shopping.
The mall was crazy crowded. I bought my dad's cologne and headed toward Sephora to get my mom's makeup. As I looked at my watch to check the time, I bumped into a guy rounding the corner.
“Oh, so sorry, I just got a text and was...” the guy apologizing to me was a friend from high school. He used to flirt like crazy with me.
“Oh my God, Perry, you sexy thing! I take back my apology. I would gladly run into you any day!” and he was beaming from ear to ear.
I was shocked to see him. I had hoped my appearance at the mall would go unnoticed by past classmates. I also suddenly become overly conscious of how I looked. I was not dolled up and yet here he stood, throwing the flirtations at me yet again.
“Brian, you little dog you! Trying to get into my pants again with your quick wit?” I winked at him. Loved when I would dish the flirts back at him.
“Always. Only you doll. When did you get into town?” he asked.
“Just a few days ago. I head back in a week. How about you?”
“Same. Hey...” I watched his eyes drag down along my body. He was so obvious it was almost ridiculously funny. “Wanna' go out this Thursday? I'd love to catch up with you.”
Did not see that one coming. In all our time flirting in high school, we never had alone time. Flirting in high school with Brian happened at parties, in rooms of many people, or in high school classrooms. I wanted to catch up with him too so the offer was tempting.
“Why not. Where are you taking me?” I asked curiously.
“Downtown, my love. Just you and me. Pick you up at 4 on Thursday?” he asked with a devilish grin.
“Sounds great. See you then Casanova!” I quipped.
He chuckled, wished me a Merry Christmas, and then headed in the opposite direction.
I was a bit breathless, not expecting that interaction. I truly thought that if I saw a classmate, it would be a catty girl...not my almost boyfriend from high school.
I finished up shopping and headed home to wrap the presents.
There were several t-shirt boxes under the tree, none were wrapped. Once my parents told me the truth about Santa – they decided to not waste their money on wrapping presents. I told them I felt like it was less special with just seeing white boxes under the tree, but apparently my opinion didn't matter. I decided to wrap the presents I bought for them though. When I finished I looked through my clothes to pick out an outfit for Christmas, and an outfit for my outing with Brian. I shot and email off to my college friends to wish them a Merry Christmas.
To: Jen, Mags, Lauren, Gabby, Greg, Tim, Jared, and Ian
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Miss you like crazy.
Love,
Perry
I hit send and heard the mailman pull up. GRADES! I ran out to the mailbox and shuffled through the Christmas card envelopes and advertisements, but there was no envelope from my college. Phew. That could have been a sucky Christmas present. I went back into the house and left the mail on the kitchen island. Back in my room I saw my computer light up, a few friends must have been online.
To: Perry
Same to you. Hope Santa is good to you.
Greg
To: Perry
Merry Christmas.
Tim
To: Perry
Hey sweetie! How is your break going? Mine is fine. It's nice seeing my family but I miss you guys and school too. I hope you have a great Christmas.
See you soon!
Love,
Mags
Seeing their replies made me miss my friends even more. I picked up my Chemistry book and put in my ear buds. A few hours later my parents arrived home. They had a car load of groceries for the upcoming week. I helped put them away and let my mom start dinner.
“You won't believe who I saw at the mall today.” I told her.
“Was it Lisa? I hear she is just beautiful, really keeping her weight down and has a cute haircut.” I was wondering how this had turned into a comparison conversation suddenly.
“Nope, Brian. From High School, do you remember him? He wants to take me downtown Thursday.” I said.
“Why?” she asked in a perplexed voice, and then corrected herself, “I mean, oh really.”
“Nevermind.” I muttered.
The rest of the evening was uneventful. I was looking forward to getting my Christmas presents and felt the anticipation of not knowing what I would get excite me. Christmas had been historically disappointing for me. I was told every year to make a list of what I wanted for Christmas. I would comb through newspaper ads and catalogs and compose a list of toys and items I would love to receive. Every year I would race down the stairs on Christmas morning, excited for what was inside the wrapped boxes. Unfortunately, my presents would be 95% clothes and 5% toys. And the toys were almost never anything I put on my wish list. I would then ponder whether I had behaved badly enough that I did not deserve the items on my wish list. The next year I would try to be extra good. I would compose my list, and again get 95% clothes and 5% unwanted toys. Christmas became less exciting until I was old enough to care more about clothes than toys presents.
I hoped there might be a cute outfit for me in one of those white boxes, one I could wear on Thursday with Brian. My clothes were getting so beat up from the old washers and dryers at school. They looked quite ratty and I could use some replacements.
We went to church that night and I let the carols I have heard every Christmas be the soundtrack for the night. It was peaceful, and it was tradition. Before leaving I said a silent prayer for a good report card, a little divine help wouldn't hurt.
When we got home, I changed into my PJs, got ready for bed and checked my email.
To: Perry
Merry Christmas.
Jared
To: Perry
Merry Nerd-mas! Ha! Just kidding. I am so happy to be home. Tons of yummy food, clean clothes, and PRESENTS in the AM!!!
Love you!
Jen
Lucky duck. I shut the computer down and drifted asleep.
At 8AM I smelled coffee and heard some bowls and spoons clinking in the kitchen. I stumbled out of bed and headed toward the noise. My parents were finishing their cereal and drinking their coffee.
“Hey kiddo, ready to open some presents?” my dad asked.
“Sure.”
My parents sat on the couch drinking their beverages and I passed out my presents. They both were pleased with my gift selection for them.
“Oh, I love it. Thank you!” they exclaimed.
Then my mom placed a pile of boxes in front of me. I opened the top one and joked that everyone would be getting wrapping paper from me next Thanksgiving. We needed to put a little more effort into the presentation of presents around here. The first present was a t-shirt. It was dark purple and looked a little fancier than a simple tee. I held it up to see if it's something I could wear on my date, but when I unfolded it, I saw it was too small. I checked the tag. Indeed, it was 2 sizes too small for
me.
“Um, Mom, this one probably won't fit me, not my size.” I said.
“Oh honey, that's OK – you're trying to lose weight right? This will give you incentive.”
I took a breath. Maybe she grabbed the wrong size at the store and was too ashamed to admit it. “OK.” I opened the next one. It's a pair of jeans, in much better shape than the ones I had been wearing. “Oh, I needed new jeans so badly! Thanks” I told her.
“You are welcome.”
I opened a few other packages containing shirts and pants. No toys, CDs, or makeup. I thought, “not too bad of a Christmas, I actually needed some new clothes.” We thanked each other and I retreated to my room with my presents to try them on. I started with the jeans and found I couldn't get them up past my thighs. “Oh great, I guess I did put on some weight at school” I muttered. I took them off and looked at the tag. They were a size too small for me also. I checked the other clothes and found EVERY SINGLE ITEM was too small for me. I sighed in frustration. Then I grabbed a shirt and stormed out into the kitchen.
“Mom, what size do I wear?” I quizzed her.
“Twelve, but just barely” she remarked.
“Then WHY are all these new clothes size 10? I have been a size 12 for a LONG time. Why would you buy the wrong size? Did you do it on purpose?”
“I just thought you could use some motivation with your weight loss.” she said flatly and shrugged. She turned her attention to the dishes and did not seem sorry.
“Well, thanks for the worthless Christmas presents that I can't wear!” I stormed off and slammed the door. Then I grabbed all the clothes, balled them up and threw them at the door. How did I get so damn lucky to keep getting shit on? Maybe I was a terrible person in a past life and I am forced to pay my karmic debt by being in this family and enduring all of this. Tears began to roll down my face. I did not want to shed a tear over this. Stupid weak tears wetting my face. I wiped them away quickly. I don't want her to know she got to me. I hung the clothes (with the tags on) in the closet and vowed to never look at those clothes again.
I put in my earbuds and let my music ground me. An hour later we departed for my Aunt's house. Upon arrival, my mom announced to the family that I would love to babysit all the young ones so the adults could enjoy their Christmas. How awesome, she really sucked at mind-reading because I just thought about how being in college should make me old enough to visit with the adults instead of the kids. She did not see me as an adult, with my own ideas.
Super. Sucky. Holiday.
On Thursday my grades arrived. I got 2 A's, 2 B's and a C. I was not happy with the C but it was in Math for Health Sciences. We had a foreign teacher and he was impossible to understand. He also liked to skip from point A to point F without explaining B, C, D, and E. I was hoping that I would get a different teacher for that class for next semester. I left the report card on the kitchen island so my parents could see it.
I got ready for my date or not-date with Brian. I set big bouncy waves into my hair, wore a cute v-neck sweater, and my jeans. He picked me up at 4PM sharp. He was dressed casual and he looked good. College had not changed him one bit. “Hey gorgeous! Ready to go?” he said with a smile.
“Let's get outta' here.”
At Dick's Last Resort, the wait staff treated us as a couple. They made us wrap our bodies around each other and drink shots using no hands just to humiliate us for fun. We let them do it though and enjoyed the laughs it brought. When we were full and laughed out, we grabbed out coats and walked along the pier.
“So, how many guys hearts am I breaking tonight by being out with you?” he teased. He has not lost his touch. I blushed instantly. “None, believe it or not.”
“None?! I find that hard to believe.” he looked truly shocked.
“I guess I am too busy studying to care.” which is only half true.
He nodded.
“Are you still going out with that girl from Junior-Senior year?” I asked.
“Nope, we broke up a week or two into college. The long distance was too hard.”
“You know, I thought you were gonna' ask me out after Christmas our junior year. But then you fell for the new girl while I was out sick. That kinda sucked to come back to.” I confessed.
“I guess that's right, I never really realized the timing of it.” Now he looked concerned. He puts his arm around me and apologized. “You never let on that it bothered you. I mean, you still would flirt back with me.” he said.
“I know. I know.” I muttered. “I enjoyed our banter, Mr. Casanova, I still do.”
“Me too.” he bumped me with his hip playfully. “Let's head back, I'm freezing.”
We hopped in his truck and he took me home.
“Call me next time you come to town and maybe we can hook up again.” and he grabbed me for a big hug.
“Thanks for a fun night Bri.” I replied. “Laters, Babe.” he said with a wink. We hugged, and then I turned to walk in the house. I really enjoyed myself but realized that there was no spark between us. Just two friends enjoying each other's company. Again, I wondered if the nuns would be contacting me about joining their order. As I lay in bed that night, I couldn't help but think over all the potential chances at love that I managed to sabotage. It's like my subconscious didn't want me to experience love. Maybe it's afraid of getting hurt. Whatever it was, I needed to get past this so I could feel love and happiness.
Chapter 18
January
My time at home officially ended this afternoon. Chuck called last night and said he would pick me up at noon, and I was glad we would be back on campus a day early. I rolled out of bed and pulled on my worn out jeans. They actually seemed looser on me. I guess my diligent dieting paid off. Maybe my parents would notice. I changed my shirt and brushed my hair before heading for breakfast.
Both of my parents were sitting at the table. I grabbed my cereal bowl and added some Golden Grahams and milk and joined them.
“Hey, what time are you heading' back?” my dad asked.
“I think Chuck is picking me up around lunchtime.” I mumbled. The lack of caffeine in the morning was terribly hard to deal with.
I noticed my dad sliding my report card close to me. He tapped the paper and looked intently at me.
“Not bad, but I don't want to see another one of these again.” he said in a low tone. He was pointing at the C which seemed so visible on that stark paper. “Do we understand each other?” he demanded. His tone had changed to a more serious and stern tone. “Your mother thinks you have been spending all your time partying. I personally don't know and don't care. But if I see this again...you are finished at that school.”
I gulped. This news was old news. I needed to get better grades next semester, no matter what. I nodded my head and stood to clear away my dishes. In my room, I started packing, I was anxious to get out of here. I left all the Christmas outfits in their boxes on the floor of my room. No use in having those clothes take up space in my tiny closet at college. I secretly hoped my mom would see them and realize what terrible presents they were. When Chuck showed up, I said a quick goodbye to my parents and did my best to not run to his car.
As we pulled away from the house, I felt the tight coil that was wrapped around my insides fall away and my breathing was more relaxed. “How was your break?” Chuck asked.
“Too long and just barely tolerable. How about yours?”
Chuck threw a sideways smile at me, “a bit better than yours. Do you know about the bash I am throwing tonight?”
“Yes, I heard about it. In fact, most of campus has probably heard about it.” I replied.
“Are you coming? If not, you should. It'll be a blast. Bring some of your friends too.”
I was personally invited to one of Chuck's parties, I felt so honored. His parties were supposedly epic. Since I had nothing better to do with my evening, I agreed to go. “Good girl!”
I couldn't help but chuckle.
Three hours passed in the c
ar so quickly. It reminded me of how fast the trip to the amusement park would seem as a child. I was so excited that the time would blink by in a second. “Thanks for the lift Chuck. See ya' tonight!” I said before heading up the dorm steps.
“See ya' babe. And if I DON'T see you...you will be in big trouble with me!” he jokingly threatened.
It's so much quieter in the dorm since about half of the residents were not back from break yet. I wondered how intimate Chuck's party would be with so few people around. I needed to make some calls after unpacking to see if any of my gang was around to accompany me to the party. Chuck lived across campus from my dorm and I did not want to hike across campus at night alone.
