by Jeannie Moon
Pulling her feet up and leaning her body into the plush arm of the couch, Lilly let her mind wander. She thought about her summers at the beach, learning how to swim and digging tunnels in the sand. She remembered meeting Mia for the first time when she came to visit her grandparents for the summer. Mrs. Lang used to take them, along with Mia’s sister Sara, to the marina for Italian ices; then, when they came home, she would set them loose in the backyard to catch fireflies in an old mayonnaise jar.
Life was simple and easy. Summers at the beach were a distant memory when she got to California. It was ironic, considering how close she was to the Pacific Ocean. She could see the water from the deck of Gio’s house, but she never got there. Oh sure, there had been some day trips to the pier in Santa Monica, or strolls on the boardwalk in San Clemente. Once, Gio took her to the luxury hotel on Coronado Island… but even then, it wasn’t about what they could see, but about being seen. It was exhausting.
Life in Compass Cove had purpose, and meaning, and she didn’t have to maintain the façade that had eaten away at who she’d always been. Trying to fit in, first in the styling world and then as the girlfriend of a movie star, Lilly found less and less of the person she was.
Abuela had talked to her about it once. She was the only one who stepped up to ask Lilly what was happening. It was when she and Gio had come home for Christmas and it had been the most uncomfortable holiday she could ever remember. Her parents’ little house didn’t offer Gio the creature comforts he had grown used to, and the pretense he put forward in the name of good manners just didn’t cut it. Especially with Abuela.
Her grandmother had seen right through him. And her for that matter, Abuela knew right away that something was off about their relationship. She warned Lilly to be careful. That she should be mindful not to lose herself in the starlight.
It sounded pretty at the time—the idea of the starlight catching your soul—but the warning was right there. Even when things were good, Lilly had begun to compromise too much of herself to keep him happy. That wasn’t the way to be in a relationship, and it certainly wasn’t the way she wanted to live her life.
Nope, Gio and her family were not a match made in heaven, and they were relieved when she moved home and was no longer attached to him and his rising star. Her father, who never said a negative word about anyone, had some very choice descriptions, in Spanish and English, to describe her ex. Lilly asked why he hadn’t told her how he felt earlier, and his only response was that it didn’t matter now that he was out of the picture. Lilly wondered what her family would say if they found out the truth about why she’d ended it and run back home.
Her family, her friends, the people in her town, would all form a wall around her while Gio was in town, but it would also change the way they saw her. Lilly worried that she would appear weak. That she would be less to them. It was something she couldn’t bear. It would feel like failure.
Her eyes didn’t want to open. She’d been lying on the couch while the noise from the game droned on in the background. Jack would talk to the TV or himself, his deep voice a comfort as she felt her mind wander and drift.
Colors swirled in her head, soft and peaceful, and a warmth and sense of well-being dropped over her like a thick blanket. It was a feeling she’d missed. Something that had been taken from her without her consent. The way Gio had violated her went far beyond the physical, and now he was here in her safe place, threatening to ruin her recovery.
Her limbs were heavy, her mind foggy, and she heard Jack less and less.
Sleep. She could sleep a little. He wouldn’t mind. He was watching the game.
Yeah, just a little nap.
*
“Lilly?” Jack touched her shoulder gently. It was almost midnight, and the game had just ended. Lilly had fallen asleep during the eighth inning; the Yankees finally pulled out a win in the thirteenth. She’d been asleep for five full innings.
Jack wouldn’t have woken her, but she needed to lock up behind him. He nudged her again. “Lilly. Come on, honey. Wake up.”
There was a snuffle and a little snore, letting Jack know that Lilly was completely out. Waking her could be like poking a bear, but there was no other way. Leaning over her, he gave her another shake.
“Lilly! Come on! Wake up!”
She rolled on her back, showing signs of life, let out a little sigh, and Jack took a moment to take her in. The little makeup she’d had on earlier was gone, allowing her picture-perfect features to shine through on their own. Her lips were full and the color of sliced watermelon, but her eyes were the jewels of her face. Currently closed, Lilly’s inky black lashes rested against her rosy cheeks. Her skin looked so soft, it was all Jack could do not to touch her. He was glad he resisted when her eyes started to drift open.
Dazed and sleepy, she didn’t seem to focus.
“Hey, are you with me?” Innocently, Jack touched her hand.
Catching him without warning, Lilly’s eyes flew open and she bolted upright. “No! Don’t touch me!” Her breathless terror went right through him.
Jack immediately pulled his hand back and offered as much space as he could. Lilly was scooting into the corner of the couch.
“It’s okay, Lilly. I won’t touch you. Here… you can see my hands.” He held his hands up flat, doing his best to soothe her. She’d buried her face in her hands, curling into a ball. “Wake up. Look around.”
He had no idea if he was getting through to her. The terror in her eyes as she pushed away shredded him. This woman had endured a lot at the bastard’s hands, and it was obvious he didn’t just slap her around—no, that wasn’t enough for the sick fuck. Jack waited for her to look up; he didn’t move, and kept his hands planted close to his own body. He wouldn’t budge until he was sure he wouldn’t spook her again.
A thousand scenarios ran through Jack’s brain. None of them were good, and all of them made him want to exact justice on the fucker who did this to her.
Never had he seen Lilly like this. She was so terrified, he wondered how she’d been getting through her days. The response he just witnessed was a trauma response. PTSD. He’d seen it before in vets coming home from the deployments, mass shooting survivors, people who’d gone through fires or floods… and victims of domestic violence. It made him wonder how she’d been coping.
Jack waited and watched. Finally, Lilly’s breathing steadied, and her body unwound from the tight posture she’d assumed to protect herself.
What troubled him was that she wouldn’t look up. In addition to her terror, Lilly was ashamed, and he wanted nothing more than to reassure her, to wrap his arms around her and tell her there was nothing to be ashamed of.
She started to speak, stopped, and then tried again. She still hadn’t made eye contact.
“Do you need something?” Jack finally asked.
With a little shake of her head, Lilly’s eyes met his. Tears pricked at the corners, and Jack could see she was wound up tighter than a watch spring.
“What can I do?”
His question was simple and direct. He honestly didn’t know how he was supposed to respond, how he was supposed to help. He hoped she’d tell him.
“I think I want to be by myself.”
Jack didn’t expect that, and his stomach dropped at the thought of leaving her alone. “Are you sure? I mean, I can hang around if you need me to.”
Lilly took a breath, steadying herself, before she stood. “And do what?”
There was pain in her eyes, deep and churning. The steel he remembered, the fire, wasn’t leaping and lashing around like it used to. Lilly was doing her best to fake composure, but Jack could see it was a front. “I don’t know. But I don’t want to leave you alone.”
He half expected her to jump down his throat at the suggestion, but she didn’t. Instead she walked to the kitchen, took a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water from a pitcher in the fridge.
She seemed frozen in place, her eyes focused on the water in th
e glass. Jack could see she was struggling.
“I’m sorry I reacted that way to you,” she whispered.
“You owe me no apology.” Jack’s brain told him to stay where he was, but his instinct moved him closer to where she was standing. God help him, this was hard. But when she didn’t flinch, he took another step, and then another.
Lilly looked up then, her dark eyes swimming with unshed tears. “I know you would never hurt me, Jack. I just… I guess I was… startled.”
“Startled” was an understatement. Lilly was terrified. “You’re right. I would never hurt you, and no one else will either.” Hearing himself make the promise to her, Jack thought about the words. He’d never meant anything more in his life.
She nodded, still looking lost, vulnerable, and Jack felt the knot of frustration rise in his chest. He wanted to punch something, but the last thing she needed was to see him lose his temper. He expected it would hurt Lilly more than it would help him.
Cautiously, Lilly moved closer. Her movements were slow, almost timid, but before he could ask her what she was doing, Lilly had wrapped her arms around his waist. Jack felt her melt into him and his heart nearly exploded. He responded by pulling her close and holding on tight. There was so much going on between them, but words weren’t part of the equation. She needed his comfort, and he gave it willingly. Even with his arms banded tightly around her, he wanted to pull her closer. Jack pressed his lips to the top of her head and inhaled the scent of her hair. It smelled like home with the remnants of salt and sea air, combining with the savory aromas of her grandmother’s kitchen.
His body was on high alert, not because he was aroused, but because she fired up every protective instinct he had. This wasn’t about law, about her being a victim, this was personal. Jack knew from that moment on, everything he did for her, every move he made, was because of how he felt about her.
Lilly had a permanent place in his head and his heart. She was important to him, and if Gio Graham had any thought of hurting her, Jack would end the son of a bitch.
*
He felt good. Being close to him gave Lilly a sense of safety she hadn’t felt in over two years. The hard wall of Jack’s chest and his strong arms were holding her up at a time when she most needed support. He was a good man.
But there was so much wrong with what was happening. On one hand, she hated that she had to lean on him. On the other, she’d never been so grateful to have his comfort. But before she let herself get lost in him, she stepped back and gathered her wits. Immediately, she felt the loss. “Thank you. For everything. I mean… I don’t know what made me react that way.”
Jack’s hands were still on her back, moving in a soft circular motion. “Fear. Shock. You’re still recovering from a trauma. That takes a long time.”
Trauma. It was a word she never used. “I don’t know…”
“Trust me on this,” he said. “I’ve… I’ve seen it before.”
There was something steady and knowing in his gaze. No words were needed.
He knew. He knew what she’d suffered when she was with Gio was much worse that she’d told anyone. “Well, thank you. For being so understanding.”
It was time for him to go. Lilly could feel the exhaustion coming hard and fast. Her system was crashing from the adrenaline rush. She needed a good cry and some sleep, but there he stood, his arms still holding her, his pool blue eyes asking way too many questions.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to crash on the couch? I promise I don’t snore.”
“No. I’m fine. I’m going to go straight to bed. Really tired. It was a busy day.”
His eyes narrowed skeptically. “Lilly, don’t lie to me. Fine?”
“Yes, fine.” Slipping out of his arms, she put the last bit of distance between them. Immediately, there was loss. Jack provided her with a safe haven, but Lilly didn’t want to need him. She’d vowed not to need anyone. “Thank you. For offering. I appreciate it.”
Lilly couldn’t look at him for fear of losing control altogether.
“I guess I’ll go, then.”
“It’s late. I have a busy day tomorrow. Full schedule.”
He nodded, believing the fib. It was summer. She always had work to do, but the salon was relatively quiet.
Moving toward the door, he nodded and gripped the knob. “I’ll stop by tomorrow.”
“You don’t have to. I’m fine. Really.” It took all her effort to plaster a smile on her face and make it look real. An actress she wasn’t, but it must have passed muster with Jack, because without any additional hesitation, he said good night.
She felt lightheaded, but her heartbeat steadied nonetheless. It was like panic and relief were warring with each other. As she listened to his footfalls on the steps, Lilly acknowledged that the emotional battle was becoming her new normal. On one hand, she hated that she was alone to deal with her fear. Hated what he might think of her. She liked being able to lean on someone. But at the same time, Lilly was relieved that Jack wasn’t there to see the shell of a person Gio had left behind. She couldn’t face the platitudes, the sterile sympathy that couched the disgust she imagined people would feel towards her.
Lilly had no delusions about her struggle. She hid it well, but the damage left on her psyche was dictating her whole life. Leaving California was one way to combat the fear; it was also cowardly. She’d run away.
That was something Lilly was getting way too good at.
The exhaustion settled over her in an all too familiar way. As she dragged her body to her room, she whipped off her bra from under her dress and fell into bed. She asked her electronic-do-all-things to turn off the lights. “Okay,” it responded, as the lights in the apartment dimmed.
The only thing illuminating her room was the glow of the moon bouncing through her window. Sitting up, Lilly could see the light reflecting off Compass Cove. It was the same kind of light that led her to her encounter with Jack in the Millers’ boat house all those years ago.
Something happened between them today—a shifting, an understanding. There was closeness, and it wasn’t just about an old crush or his protectiveness.
If she had the nerve, Lilly would be thinking that the two of them had a chance. But she didn’t. She was too busy occupying her own mixed up headspace to think about anything happening with anyone… especially Jack.
Chapter Twelve
“Jack. Jack, wake up.”
“Sorry. I got your back. Did you see anything?”
“The only thing I see is you on the floor. Wake up.”
Groggy and rubbing his hand across the back of his neck, Jack stretched, cursing the wall, the floor, and the fact that his body no longer liked sleeping anywhere but a comfortable bed. He really had to give up the cloak and dagger part of his job. Looking around, he blinked at the glare coming in from the skylight overhead. God, where the hell was he? As his eyes adjusted and drifted open, the first thing he saw were toes. Female toes, to be precise. The hot pink pedicure and shapely bronzed legs let him know this was no stakeout, but he’d been thoroughly busted.
Glancing up, Lilly stood over him, hands on her hips and one eyebrow cocked.
“I guess you have some questions,” he said. She looked annoyed. Which he would take over completely pissed.
“You think? What are you doing here? Come for the pastries you left behind?”
Pushing up to his feet, Jack nodded. “Yes. Exactly that. I didn’t know how early you got up, but I wanted to be here before you ate my croissant. That.”
Waving him into the apartment, she was having none of it. “You’re so full of shit.”
“I am not! Lina’s croissants are serious business.”
Grabbing two plates from the cabinet, Jack found the white box from Rinaldi’s on the back of the counter. He opened it and took a scone out for Lilly and the last croissant for himself.
A quick glance in her direction told him she was waiting for an answer.
“Jack?”
/> Turning, he took her in. She was dressed for work. Her shiny black hair was sleek and shimmering with silver or blue, depending how the light hit it. Her makeup was flawless, and she wore a sweeping black dress that brushed the tops of her feet. Big gold hoops and a chunky necklace finished the look, and it was spectacular. Jack could look at her all day.
“I, ah… you look really pretty.”
She rolled her eyes. “Good grief. Thank you. Now tell me why you were sleeping outside my door. I heard you leave last night.”
“You thought you heard me leave. I hung out downstairs until I figured you were asleep. Which makes me think you need a camera or something out there. It’s not safe.”
“Are you kidding me?” Now she was pissed. “I need a camera? Are you insane?”
“Fine. I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to be alone, but you didn’t want me to sleep on the couch, so I stayed nearby. Sue me.”
Leaning her hip into the counter, she picked up the plate with the scone and broke off a little piece. “That’s a little crazy you know, and a little creepy.”
He hadn’t thought about it like that. “I’ll give you crazy, but creepy? Eh, I think I’m justified.”
That got a chuckle out of her, and Jack had never wanted to hear anything more. The annoyance was gone, and when she looked up and smiled at him, his heart leaped in his chest. An honest to God jump. Jesus.
“Thank you. It was very sweet of you to watch out for me. Crazy, and a little creepy, but sweet.”
He didn’t care if it was creepy. Jack was going to take care of her as long as Gio Graham was on the east coast. It was non-negotiable.
They ate in silence, her looking like a goddess, and him feeling and smelling like a piece of roadkill. “I probably stink.”
Lilly sniffed. Leaned closer and sniffed again.
