The women rolled their eyes and followed. “Always thinking with their stomachs,” said Betty.
After Rusty and Andy each purchased one of the rather suspicious skewers and Andy had been assured that it was definitely not made of Bengal tiger, the entire group approached the door of South Seas Traders and knocked.
There was the sound of scuffling and a few loud coughs. After a moment or two, a thin, raspy voice called from behind the door, “Why did the elephant quit his job?”
Andy was momentarily confused. What?
But then Abigail snapped her fingers and said quietly, “I remember the answer!” Turning to the others, she said, “It’s the first part of a password my father taught me when I was little. He said someday I might be asked the first part and that I should answer it if I wanted to prove I was trustworthy.”
Turning back to the voice behind the door, she said, “Because he was tired of working for peanuts,” finishing the groaner joke.
Andy guffawed, almost spewing half-chewed bits of meat all over the porch. The rest of the group politely ignored him as the sound of several locks being fumbled open came from behind the door before it swung inward with a loud creak. Then the four were taken aback by the appearance of the long-haired, raggedy person who stood in front of them.
“Ned sent us,” Dotty began hesitantly.
Nicodemus Crumb grinned, exposing a row of crooked yellow teeth. “Of course he did. And to what do I owe this most unexpected of visits?” He raised his shaggy gray eyebrows in question. To Andy he seemed even more craggy and weathered than he’d been at the funeral.
“We’ve…mmm…come to find out about Patrick Begorra,” said Andy with his mouth full.
Crumb glanced up and saw that the boy held a skewer of barbecued meat in his hand. He nodded approvingly. “You picked a good day to come,” he said. “Old Boney only cooks roasted iguana brains on Thursdays.”
Andy paused his chewing, his eyes wide with disbelief. “I thought it was chicken,” he managed after gulping it down.
Rusty sidled up beside him, laughing at his surprised expression. “If you’re not going to finish that…” he said, removing the rest of the skewer from Andy’s hand and snarfing down the last bite of barbecue with an appreciative smack of his lips.
Crumb cackled. “Come in, friends, come in. I haven’t had any J.E.S. members stop by in a long time.” He gestured for the group to follow him, and Andy noticed that he still walked with the slight limp on his peg leg. As if reading Andy’s mind, Crumb continued, “Oh, and watch your step. I keep a pet python near the door. Monty’s usually friendly.”
The barbecued meat lurched uncomfortably in Andy’s stomach as he stepped through the door. Looking down, he noticed the pet Crumb had mentioned, a gargantuan green reptile with bright yellow eyes.
“Nice, snake. Niiice snake. I’m not going to hurt you…” Andy said quietly, effecting the most soothing voice he could. The truth was, if he admitted it to himself, Monty looked like the only one between the two of them capable of doing any “hurting.”
Andy carefully sidestepped around the huge serpent and was thankful that it didn’t seem that interested in him. Then he found that he’d walked into one of the strangest and most exotic shops he’d ever seen.
In fact, it was so interesting that he momentarily forgot about his upset stomach.
He gazed around at the incredible spectacle that surrounded him, taking in the high shelves crowded with valuable antiques and glittering treasures. The store seemed to go on and on for miles with row upon row of everything a traveler could possibly need for any major expedition, from jungle safari helmets to Himalayan climbing gear.
Andy whistled softly through his teeth.
“Welcome to the largest bazaar west of the Nile! Or east. I never was much good at geography,” confessed Crumb.
Rusty picked up a large lightning rod from an umbrella stand that contained several others. The top of it was decorated with a metal eyeball.
“Ah! Don’t touch that one!” shouted Nicodemus Crumb as he rushed over to where Rusty was standing. He grabbed the lightning rod from the pilot and placed it carefully back among the others.
“Why not?” grunted Rusty, evidently annoyed.
Crumb glared at the pilot. “That’s the Rod of Ever Seeing. You’ve got to prepare before you use it. Takes weeks. Months, even! If you’re not ready, BOOM!” The old man gestured frantically through the air. “You wouldn’t survive the lightning! You’d never gain the second sight! You’d be fried—like those iguana brains you were chowing down on a minute ago! Lightning can travel right through the roof, you know.” Nicodemus Crumb’s voice had risen to a shaking fever pitch and he wagged an admonishing, bony finger at Rusty.
Rusty snorted and moved over to another part of the shop to examine the other wares. Andy could tell from his expression that he thought the old man was completely off his rocker.
Andy was examining a particularly interesting set of binoculars that had three lenses rather than two when he heard Betty say, “Mr. Crumb, we’ve been sent on some fairly urgent business.”
Crumb paused in his careful rearranging of the lightning rods. “Yes, yes…get to it, then. Why does Ned need to know about Patrick Begorra? I don’t owe him any more favors. After all, I officiated his funeral just as requested, although a certain grandson upset what could have been a spectacular storm summoning.” Crumb shot Andy a meaningful glance.
Andy cleared his throat and pretended not to notice. He was embarrassed by the memory. At the ceremony, he’d been so nervous that he’d managed a spectacular feat of clumsiness that nearly burned the entire mansion down.
Betty and Dotty exchanged glances. Dotty hesitated and then continued, saying, “Ned thinks that Begorra is the only one who can help us stop the Doomsday Device.”
“The Doomsday Device!” Crumb shouted. “What could you possibly want with the Doomsday Device?!” The old man was obviously very upset at the mere mention of the cursed artifact.
“Mr. Crumb…hold on. Settle down!” Andy urged. “We don’t want it for ourselves. Our enemy, the Potentate, is going to use it against us. We only want to stop it.”
The old man gazed at the group with a horrified expression and croaked, “There’s no way…to stop…the Doomsday Device. Once it’s been activated, you might as well give up.”
“We’re not quitters, Nicodemus,” growled Rusty. “The fate of the world is at stake!”
Crumb shot Rusty a baleful glare. Rusty continued, trying to sway the old man to their side. “The Potentate intends to use the Doomsday Device to torture the J.E.S. into disclosing the location of all our hidden artifacts. If the Collective gets their hands on those powerful objects, then the entire world is doomed! Young Andy here is the new Keymaster. He holds the key to Ned’s mansion, and the Potentate will stop at nothing to get it.”
Crumb’s lips moved soundlessly for a moment while he processed what he’d just heard. “A key, you say? Ned’s mansion? Exactly what else does it open, boy?” He edged closer and stared at Andy. “It’s a valuable key, eh? I’d wager so, if the Potentate wants it that badly.…”
Andy felt offended. “Excuse me, Mr. Crumb, but I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
But Crumb didn’t seem to be listening. He waved his gnarled hand in irritation and growled, “So that’s why you’re looking for Patrick. You think he’ll help you destroy the clock.”
Everyone nodded. Crumb stared at the floor for a moment. Andy thought he looked like he was trying to think of any possible way to avoid helping them. But in the end, the old man’s shoulders sagged and he seemed resigned to his fate as he sank into a chair.
“The legends say that Patrick Begorra is an ancient spirit…he’s also known in Gaelic as the Gille Dubh. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to figure out where his tree is located. Some say it’s filled with leprechaun gold, but that’s hogwash.…The only magic the oldest tree on Earth truly possesses is to give anyone
who knows how to tap into it eternal life.”
Andy gaped at the old man. His mind boggled as he thought of the possibilities. Eternal life? That’s incredibly powerful magic!
No wonder Patrick had been around when the Doomsday Device was invented in the Middle Ages! The tree he lived in had magically given him an exceptionally long existence.
Crumb continued, saying, “Anyway, you’ll never find Begorra. I tried and ended up lost in the jungle for weeks. No tree. No nothing.” He looked bitterly around his ramshackle shop. “I can barely keep my doors open. Do you know how few adventurers come through here these days? If I’d found the secret to eternal life, just imagine the profit I could have made!” Crumb’s face twisted into a bitter scowl. “Anyway, trust me—if Patrick really does exist, he doesn’t want to be found,” he added.
“But let’s say we do find him,” said Betty. “Is there anything we should say or do to gain his trust?”
Crumb narrowed his eyes, fixing her with a grim stare. “If by some impossible chance you did, then all the legends say that you’d have to endure three tests before you could request anything from the leprechaun. Each of them evaluates a person’s character, determining his or her worthiness to know the secret of the tree and the treasure it contains.”
Crumb held up a finger as if he were lecturing a class. “The stories say that Patrick is a gentle soul, but that you’re doomed if you fail the tests. Most of the ancient legends mention the tests involve something called the ‘high seas.’ For years I thought that meant they had something to do with the ocean and boats. An idiotic notion!”
He waved his hand in irritation at the memory as if trying to brush it away. “Later I found another document that better explained what that meant. It had nothing to do with the ‘high seas’—it’s actually the ‘high Cs’: characteristics that ‘high,’ or noble, people would have. The Cs are courage, cleverness, and compassion. These traits must be present in the seeker, or he or she will ultimately fail and be destroyed.”
Crumb wrung his wrinkled hands, looking troubled. “Took me twenty years to figure that one out. And I still don’t know as much about Patrick or the tree as I’d like to.…”
The old man trailed off, lost in thought with a wistful expression on his gnarled face. Then, snapping out of his reverie, he glared at the rest of the group. “My advice is that you forget about the whole thing. I wasted too many years trying to find it.”
However, after noticing their fixed and determined expressions and that nobody moved, Crumb sighed, then staggered to his feet and said in a dull, resigned voice, “Since you won’t listen to reason, and out of respect for Ned Lostmore, I’ll help you get to the starting place where legends say the path to the tree is located.”
He removed a boatswain whistle from a leather thong around his neck and blew a shrill note. Moments later, someone emerged from the back of the shop.
Andy was startled to see the huge mountain of a man stride purposefully toward them. If Andy had to guess, he’d say the giant was nearly eight feet tall. He had an oblong face with high cheekbones, and his eyes were covered by small round spectacles that had darkened lenses, giving him a very mysterious air. Andy noticed that he also wore a long black coat that nearly touched the floor—a huge amount of material to cover someone so large.
Nicodemus Crumb nodded at the giant in silent greeting before turning to the group and saying in a gruff voice, “This is Zeus. He’ll take you to the boat.”
Crumb gave no explanation of who the giant was and didn’t say good-bye before turning abruptly on his heel and marching to the back room of the bazaar. Andy didn’t have a chance to thank the grizzled old man, for he disappeared behind a door with a slam that set nearly every artifact in the shop quivering.
Andy gazed up at the giant. He didn’t know whether he should trust this unusual person or not.
“Follow,” Zeus rumbled. His voice sounded to Andy like boulders being scraped together. Everyone, including Rusty, did as he said without a word, and moments later, they had exited the shop and walked across the dirt road. Soon Andy found himself standing at the river dock next to a large, rickety boat.
“Inside,” Zeus commanded.
And with a fluttery feeling in the pit of his stomach, Andy, seeing no other option, entered the cabin of the old ship.
The ship was a dilapidated Chinese junk. It had reefed sails made of giant canvases stretched over thin wooden spars. To Andy, they resembled gigantic scarlet fish fins.
The smoky cabin belowdecks was filled with pungent incense that had a rather oily smell. The source of the fragrance was dangling pots held in place by brass hooks shaped like dragons. The portholes on either side of the ship were so dark with grime that they appeared opaque, but the rest of the ship seemed fairly clean and was decorated with worn pink silk cushions arrayed on wooden benches.
Nobody spoke a word as they all sat down. It seemed to Andy as if everyone was filled with the same sense of foreboding he felt. He couldn’t put his finger on why, exactly. After all, he’d faced many terrible dangers during his previous quests.
But there was something about Nicodemus Crumb that made him anxious. Even though the old man had agreed to help them, something about his manner bothered Andy and made him wonder if Crumb really could be trusted.
Zeus’s huge booted feet thudded down the steps into the cabin. The giant walked past them and didn’t speak as he busied himself with something in the galley. After a moment, Zeus reemerged from the ship’s kitchen with a clay pot filled with tea and several tiny cups.
He silently offered each of them the drink. And after each one of them held a cup in his or her hands, he then raised his own…apparently indicating that each of them should follow his example.
Almost as if he were suggesting a toast, thought Andy.
When everyone’s arms were raised, the giant said in a low, rumbling voice, “Drink.”
Andy took a sip. The tea was very bitter and unpleasant. He had expected something like oolong or jasmine because of the Chinese ship, but he was sorely disappointed.
“Worst stuff I’ve ever tasted,” said Rusty in a low voice, speaking aloud exactly the same thought Andy was thinking.
Ned’s thistleberry tea tastes incredible compared to this, Andy agreed silently, grimacing.
Zeus ignored Rusty’s outburst and moved to a bulky wooden cabinet with jade inlay that crouched in the corner of the cabin. Andy watched as he fished a small key from under his long cloak and unlocked a tiny padlock on its outer door.
Inside was a small, sinister-looking chest. Andy could tell in an instant that it was something that should probably not be opened. Black skulls were raised all over the lid, and the hatch that held it shut appeared to be made of a finger bone. Andy distractedly hoped it wasn’t a human’s.
The giant walked directly over to Andy and, after turning the bone latch and opening the lid, said, “Keymaster.”
“What?” asked Andy.
Zeus pushed the chest toward him.
“What should I do with it?” Andy asked, feeling confused.
“I think he wants you to reach inside,” offered Abigail.
Andy wasn’t too comfortable with the idea, considering how wicked the chest looked. But when he tried to peer over the side of the box to see what was inside, the giant lifted the box higher so that he couldn’t peek.
Andy gave Zeus a searching look. He really didn’t feel that he could trust him. But since his grandfather had told them to meet with Nicodemus Crumb, evidently he knew what was best.
Andy sighed.
Here goes nothing.…
He reached inside the chest and carefully felt around. His fingers brushed some hard objects, but he couldn’t tell by feeling what they were. He decided to grasp one of them and was surprised when he lifted out a small, ornately carved necklace.
“What is it?” asked Abigail.
“I…I’m not sure,” said Andy, examining the necklace closer. It looked
like a piranha with very sharp teeth.
“Piranhahaha juju,” said Zeus.
“Piranha,” repeated Andy.
“No. Piranhahaha,” said Zeus.
“‘Hahaha’? Like laughing? I don’t get it.…”
Zeus held up a long bony finger. “One use.”
“One use? What do you mean? How am I supposed to use it?” asked Andy.
But Zeus ignored him and moved on with the chest, offering it next to Abigail. She reached in (albeit reluctantly) and pulled out a different necklace. Andy saw that this one was fashioned in the shape of a parrot.
“Birdcall juju,” said Zeus. “One use.”
Abigail looked at it but didn’t say anything. To Andy, it seemed like she was resigned to whatever was happening and was going to follow wherever this strange set of circumstances was leading them.
Zeus repeated the ritual with Rusty and the twins. Rusty received the “elephant juju,” which the giant said was for tracking, and the twins received “discovery juju” and “knowledge juju,” necklaces that bore a carved tree and a strange all-seeing eye. Zeus indicated to all of them, as he’d done with Andy, that each juju had one use.
Whatever that means, thought Andy.
He yawned.
The room was feeling stuffy, and the incense seemed thick and oppressive. He’d been feeling alert just five minutes ago but was suddenly starting to feel sleepy. I really could use some fresh air, he thought.
Zeus closed the lid on the chest and replaced it in the cabinet. Then he turned to the group and said the most words he’d spoken so far.
“To walk the path of life you must first walk the path of death. This is the beginning of that path,” he rumbled.
Andy directed his sleepy gaze at Rusty. None of what the giant said was making sense. He watched as the pilot seemed to wobble where he sat. Rusty’s face was pale and drawn with anger.
Tales from Adventureland the Doomsday Device Page 3
