Beating the Workplace Bully

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by Lynne Curry




  BEATING THE

  WORKPLACE

  BULLY

  A Tactical Guide to Taking Charge

  LYNNE CURRY

  Foreword by Gary Namie, Ph.D.

  American Management Association

  New York ❚ Atlanta ❚ Brussels ❚ Chicago ❚ Mexico City ❚ San Francisco

  Shanghai ❚ Tokyo ❚ Toronto ❚ Washington, D.C.

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

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  To

  Ben, Jenny, and Ma’Hayla, and,

  like the rest of my life’s work, to God.

  To show the courage of your convictions requires you to have convictions.

  —Doug Rice

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  CONTENTS

  FOREWORD BY GARY NAMIE, PH.D. vii

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS xi

  INTRODUCTION: Intimidated No More—You Can Do It 1

  CHAPTER 1

  Are You a Bully Magnet? 9

  CHAPTER 2

  You Can Run, but You Can’t Hide: Bullies Don’t

  Go Away on Their Own 21

  CHAPTER 3

  Doormats Can Change: Here’s What It Takes 25

  CHAPTER 4

  Wounded Rhinos, Shape-Shifters, Character Assassins,

  and Other Bullies 32

  CHAPTER 5

  It’s Your Choice: To Confront or Not to Confront 47

  CHAPTER 6

  Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s

  Rules 60

  CHAPTER 7

  The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid

  Them 69

  CHAPTER 8

  How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an

  Outpost in Your Mind 84

  CHAPTER 9

  Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak 92

  CHAPTER 10

  Turn the Tables on a Bully with One Easy Move 103

  CHAPTER 11

  Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under 108

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  CHAPTER 12

  How to Silence the Angry, Aggressive Jerk 117

  CHAPTER 13

  How to Handle a Scorched-Earth Fighter 124

  CHAPTER 14

  Defusing the Silent Grenade 131

  CHAPTER 15

  Seeing Through the Shape-Shifting Mr. Hyde 135

  CHAPTER 16

  Pierce the Facade; Topple the Narcissist 142

  CHAPTER 17

  Take Down the Rhino Before It Charges 148

  CHAPTER 18

  Undoing a Character Assassin’s Wounds to Your

  Reputation 152

  CHAPTER 19

  The Newest Character Assassin: The Cyberbully 156

  CHAPTER 20

  How to Survive the Bully Boss 164

  CHAPTER 21

  Handling the Bully Employee Without Getting

  Burned 173

  CHAPTER 22

  Nine Essential Strategies for Creating Your Game

  Plan 182

  CHAPTER 23

  The Right Way to Ask Managers and Others for What

  You Need 189

  CHAPTER 24

  Anger, the Bully, and You 197

  CHAPTER 25

  What Every Leader Should Know About Bullying 202

  CHAPTER 26

  What Human Resources Can and Should Do 209

  CHAPTER 27

  Bullying Isn’t Illegal—or Is It? 216

  CHAPTER 28

  The Times Are Changing: Have You? 224

  INDEX 237

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR 244

  FREE SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM TALKING TO CRAZY BY MARK GOULSTON 245

  COPYRIGHT 258

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  FOREWORD

  The Workplace Bullying Institute’s 2014 U.S. Workplace Bully-

  ing Survey documents that 65.7 million working Americans either

  experience or witness abusive conduct during their workday. Despite

  this, bullying remains a “we don’t talk about that” topic, making it

  the “silent epidemic.” Lynne Curry has plenty to say that breaks the

  silence. In this book, she makes it clear that the shame-targeted indi-

  vidual’s experience is undeserved. In this practical book, she sheds

  light on the phenomenon and provides aggressive steps a targeted

  worker can take to stop the bullying.

  Lynne, once a target herself, brings to the topic an overflowing

  bushel of tips, tools, and strategies that only a veteran workplace

  coach could bring. She leads you on a challenging journey made

  treacherous by obstacles put there by coworkers, supervisors, exec-

  utives, and even society. It’s an uphill battle for bullied individuals

  to be sure, but Lynne’s realistic steps give the reader the best chance

  to succeed, which she defines as getting to safety with one’s dignity

  intact—a worthy goal.

  You will especially love the vivid case descriptions illustrating a

  different aspect of bullying that open each chapter. Lynne is a superb

  writer. In her abbreviated but fluid style, she manages to infuse suffi-

  cient detail to make several points at the same time. You will recog-

  nize the familiar tactics of perpetrators, targets, witnesses, and man-

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  viii ❚ FOREWORD

  agers. Soon you’ll be putting faces on those she describes because you

  know someone who did the exact things Lynne portrays in this book.

  At the Workplace Bullying Institute, we have heard and read

  more stories about people targeted by bullies than any other group

  in the country. Lynne’s anecdotes, woven together with strands from

  different cases, are completely authentic and believable. Some skep-

  tics might not believe the outrageousness of some tactics she depicts,

  but they actually do happen as Lynne describes.

  Lynne tells us that her approach is based on learning and memory

  theories, but in her consulting practice, as well as in this book, she

  eschews theory, preferring to give us practical examples. As she says,

  this book is a personal training manual not a recitation of theories.

  The welcome change is that Lynne not only teaches us “what” targets

  can do but also compels us to dig in, to engage, to rehearse the sug-

  gested tactics so we can get to the “how.”

  It’s so refreshing to see an author admit that there is a huge gap

  between knowing and doing. I credit this to Lynne’s unique perspec-

  tive as a workplace coach. She obviously learned that her effectiveness

  depends on whether the person she advises can implement her sugges-

  tions to make sustainable changes. Brilliant delivery of advice does

  not guarantee efficacy, but Lynne wants readers to succeed.

  For this reason, she ends each chapter with “Your Turn,” a list of

  questions and exercises. The questions make the learning memora-

  ble by engaging simultaneously the reader’s intellect, emotions, and

  physical actions. Please don’t skip these exercises; they make this book
>
  special.

  I heartily endorse the author’s technique. In the early days, I

  learned the hard way what not to do when advising targets about

  workplace bullying. Back then we offered free advice to bullied work-

  ers who reached us on a toll-free line. Targets typically spent a long

  time describing their horrific experiences. I’d listen, then launch into

  a lengthy list of suggestions that I considered brilliant. At about item

  number twelve on a list of twenty things to do, and some forty-five

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  FOREWORD ❚ ix

  minutes into the call, the caller would interrupt my monologue to ask

  whether to get a pencil to write down the advice. Wow—ingratitude,

  I thought. But I was wrong to assume that emotionally injured people

  could calmly follow complex instructions.

  Dr. Ruth Namie, my wife, whose case launched the U.S. work-

  place bullying movement, taught me to stop bombarding targets with

  advice they were temporarily incapable of comprehending. I learned

  to tailor the complexity of my advice to the targets’ capabilities. The

  “Your Turn” section of each chapter ensures that the reader is not

  overwhelmed.

  Lynne is immersed in real-world problem solving. Her preference

  for directness leaps off the page. Her education and background cer-

  tainly qualify her to understand and formulate theories. However,

  what I most appreciate is her ability to translate abstractions into

  actionable steps that effect change for her coaching clients. It is her

  most important contribution to the field. Lucky readers of this book

  will benefit from that talent.

  Lynne brings considerable how-to experience to handling bully-

  ing and helping targets, bullies, and organizations. She writes a Q &

  A newspaper column in which she summarizes complex workplace

  dilemmas and offers sage advice to help those who write in to free

  themselves from the situations. The wisdom contained in this book

  derives partly from answering those tough bullying-related questions.

  Bullying problems are among the most resistant to easy solutions.

  Sadly, they are incredibly common. The 2014 national prevalence

  survey found that 27 percent of adult Americans have personally

  experienced abusive conduct at work.

  I am delighted by Lynne’s sensitivity to the plight of bullied

  targets, who never invited the misery dumped on them. She never

  condescends. Rather than victim blaming, she delivers good advice

  showing readers how to shore up personal vulnerabilities that bullies

  may use to justify an attack. Most of the book’s chapters are devoted

  to understanding why targets become targets and showing them how

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  x ❚ FOREWORD

  to empower themselves to wrest control of their lives back from the

  bullies.

  Though there are multiple explanations for why bullies bully,

  Lynne is no apologist for bullies. She deserves a great deal of credit

  for not falling into the trap common to myopic, less capable coaches:

  blaming victims and being conned by charismatic Machiavellian bul-

  lies and their executive sponsors. She clearly states that bullies have a

  conscience “with as many holes as a thin slice of Swiss cheese.” This

  book is target-centric.

  The concluding chapters telescope back from the interpersonal

  dyad of target and bully to prescribe what the employer should be

  doing. Here Lynne brings the same confidence that something is pos-

  sible and doable that she granted to targeted individuals. According

  to one of our Institute’s studies, 68 percent of C-suite dwellers consid-

  ered workplace bullying “a serious problem.” In practice, however,

  there is a knowing–doing gap. Despite their awareness, employers are

  doing relatively nothing. Lynne Curry, as executive coach, patiently

  explains what employers could and should do.

  The author, like me, remains optimistic that the scourge of

  destructive bullying in the workplace can be corrected and prevented.

  She is positive that targets can do much to minimize damage from

  bullying if only they knew what to do. Fortunately for them, this book

  delivers many practical strategies to make their work lives safer.

  Lynne Curry deserves thanks from all of us who have ever been

  targeted or ever attempted to make targeted individuals whole again

  to enjoy their lives.

  Gary Namie, Ph.D.

  Cofounder and Director,

  Workplace Bullying Institute

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I could not have written this book without friends. Sally Bremner,

  joined by her husband, Trevor, is the beta reader/editor of my dreams;

  she proofread every page with unfailing enthusiasm. Deb Krebs

  stands out as an inspirational beta reader. Chris Lundgren added a

  perceptive eye to the beta reading team. Rick Birdsall added value as

  attorney turned human resources expert.

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  INTRODUCTION

  INTIMIDATED NO MORE—

  YOU CAN DO IT

  If you could get up the courage to begin,

  you have the courage to succeed.

  —DAVID VISCOTT, MD

  ANNE DIDN’T HAVE WARNING. When she landed what she

  thought was a dream job, she quickly bonded with a charis-

  matic coworker, Karla. When Karla poured wine liberal y at an informal

  dinner at her home and said, “Tell me all about you,” Anne did.

  The next day, the receptionist giggled as Anne walked in. When Anne

  asked, “What’s so funny?” the receptionist looked at her, wide-eyed,

  and squeaked, “Nothing.”

  Later, as Anne entered the break room for a cup of coffee, two of her

  new coworkers abruptly stopped talking.

  At the afternoon staff meeting, she noticed two male coworkers

  smirking at her.

  Anne went home with a headache, and decided to cheer herself

  up by logging on to Facebook. To her horror, she discovered that her

  coworkers were posting wildly exaggerated stories about her past rela-

  tionships—al based on her private conversation with Karla. With her

  heart-shaped face ashen and her fists clenched so tight that the blood

  had wrung out of them, she cal ed Karla. No answer.

  The next day, Anne confronted Karla, who gave her a cold, coyote

  smile, and replied, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  2 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  “But the things they’re posting could only have come from you,”

  Anne insisted, nausea percolating in her stomach.

  “Pull yourself together,” Karla snapped. “You clearly have issues.”

  Anne endured three more weeks of sideways glances, during which

  Karla tormented her with her own stories about unsuccessful love and

  work relationships. When Anne final y turned to Craigslist to find a new

  job, she disco
vered that her personal stories had circulated throughout

  the industry.

  That’s when I met Anne. She described Karla, a two-faced Dr. Jekyll/

  Ms. Hyde, and shared how Karla had manipulated her into divulging

  personal details that, repeated out of context, made Anne look like a

  fool.

  “Is there anything I can do?” she asked. “My female cowork-

  ers think I’m a bad joke. They look at me as if I’m something they

  scraped off the bottom of their shoes. The guys in my office, including

  my boss, are scared I’m man hungry, and make a point of telling me

  they love their wives.”

  “What do they think about Karla?” I asked.

  “They don’t like her, but no one crosses her. She has a power that

  I can’t explain. It’s like everyone goes along with her so she doesn’t

  attack them.”

  “How have you fought back?” I asked.

  “I haven’t.”

  “Which means that as far as Karla’s concerned it’s open season on

  you. What’s your boss doing about this?”

  “Nothing. It’s as if she has something on him.”

  “Bullies win,” I explained, “because they set a rigged game in

  motion, and the rest of us find ourselves playing it—and badly. If you

  want to escape the bully’s control, you need to take the bully on and

  change the game’s rules.”

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Intimidated No More—You Can Do It ❚ 3

  WHAT THIS BOOK PROMISES YOU

  Workplace bullies. Have you recently tangled with one? Did you hold

  your own or did the bully ride roughshod over you? Do you expect a

  rematch?

  If you’ve picked up this book, you want a better result the next

  time you encounter your bully. You want to walk away feeling whole,

  not trampled.

  That’s what Beating the Workplace Bully offers you. In each chapter, you’ll find concrete strategies, skills, and tools for successfully outmaneuvering bullies in your workplace.

  You’ll learn:

  ❚ How to quell your instinctive fear and not feel intimidated

  ❚ Powerful strategies to use with those who intimidate you

  ❚ Methods for turning the tables on bullies

  ❚ Strategies for building self-confidence

  ❚ Bully traps to avoid

  ❚ How to engage your fighting spirit

  ❚ Strategic moves for handling feared or unexpected attacks

  ❚ How to keep bullies from gaining an outpost in your mind

  ❚ Ways to calm yourself in any confrontation

 

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