Beating the Workplace Bully

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Beating the Workplace Bully Page 11

by Lynne Curry


  Understanding

  Resourceful

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  88 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  How many? Ten? Fifteen? All twenty-one? If even five of them fit

  you, you possess admirable qualities. Have you let a bully brainwash

  you into forgetting that?

  Next, create a list of five more positive words that describe you.

  Take a look at your list. Would you want a friend who has the

  positive qualities you’ve listed? Of course you would. By creating and

  affirming your positive attributes, you honor the person you are, and

  the next time a bully’s words try to hitch a ride in your head, you can

  say “this car’s full.”

  Add depth to your Kevlar. Take a moment to think of two chal-

  lenges you handled well or at least survived. What do these expe-

  riences tell you about your strength and resilience? If you start to

  pick on yourself over mistakes you’ve made, take a look at that. How

  much bully poison in the form of destructive words and labels have

  you absorbed? How often do you function as your own worst critic?

  Each time you do, you magnetize yourself to attract bullies. You’ll

  find more about how to change this ingrained pattern in Chapter 11.

  For now, remember you have the capacity to learn new self-talk and

  become your own cheerleader. Refuse to play the bully’s disenabling

  game. If you’re reading this book, you’ve survived and have good

  instincts. You have an inner rudder you can trust as you develop new

  skills and strategies.

  HEAL YOUR INNER WOUNDS

  BY REPROGRAMMING YOUR MIND

  Most of us have one or more emotional Achilles’ heels. Bullies aim for

  these as if they had radar. They can’t, however, open wounds you’ve

  healed. Do you have some weak areas, perhaps a self-critical state-

  ment that rises to the surface when you’re having a bad day?

  You can nuke any self-doubting statement using a neurolinguis-

  tic (the mind’s language) programming strategy called “change your

  mental tape recorder.” Pick a statement or “tape” that weakens you—

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  How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 89

  for example, “I’ll never be brave” or “Other people are smarter than

  I am.”

  You can dismantle a tape like this by repeating it seven times in

  seven different ways, until it loses all or much of the power it holds

  over you. Imagine that you have a tape recorder in your mind. Turn

  to the dial marked “tape one” on the left front of the tape recorder.

  Whatever statement or “tape” you’ve picked, hear it played or said

  once loudly in your mind. Hear it again said softly. Hear it again said

  very slowly; then hear it said very quickly as if recorded at hyper-

  speed. Now hear it with merry-go-round music playing in the back-

  ground. Hear it again accompanied by Wagnerian music such as the

  “Ride of the Valkyries,” with cymbals clanging and drums banging.

  Hear it one final time as if Bugs Bunny or another cartoon character,

  perhaps one with a deep accent or a slight lisp, might say it. Has it

  become harder to take this “tape” seriously?

  Now, turn the dial on the far left off and turn to the dial marked

  “new tape,” on the right front of the tape recorder. Create and let

  yourself hear, out loud, an affirmative statement, perhaps “I show

  courage” or “I am ethical and determined.” Hear this statement said

  again and again in a clear, firm, positive voice.

  What’s the feeling you get? You can uproot any negative statement

  that’s damaged your heart or spirit using the mental tape recorder

  strategy. Take a moment to write a list of other positive, affirming statements that describe the true you. You’re starting to free yourself of the bully’s verbal tyranny and to declare your own war of

  independence.

  TAKE BACK YOUR POWER:

  CONFRONT MENTAL MANIPULATION

  You’re now ready to let bullies know their cruel remarks slide off you

  like water off Teflon. Short statements work well. If your bully asks

  “Where’d you come up with this crap?” or says “You’re too sensitive”

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  90 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  or “That was a dumb move,” respond by saying, “I’m not playing,”

  “Game over,” “Nonsense,” or “Nice bait.” By speaking up, you take

  back your power and break the spell the bully tried to cast over you.

  Your bully may demand, “What do you mean?” or “What game?”

  If so, you’ve taken control; your bully is now reacting to you rather

  than the other way around. Congratulations. You don’t need to take

  a bully’s bait or respond to his harmful, negative questions. Just shake

  your head. You no longer take what a bully says personally; instead,

  you simply witness a failed attempt to bully you.

  Your Turn: Where Are You Now?

  If any of the things described below never happened to you,

  imagine they did and answer the questions as if they had.

  1. What bul y words or characterizations of you have recently

  hooked your attention or crept into your mind? Take any

  one of them, make it into a statement, and practice neutral-

  izing it by using the mental tape recorder strategy. Did this

  exercise change your outlook? How might changing your

  outlook change your life?

  2. When you read about Stevie putting Julie down, what did

  you want to say to Stevie? To Julie? What would you like to

  say to one of the bul ies in your work life? If you were your

  best friend, what would you say to yourself? (By the way,

  you can be and are your own best friend.)

  3. What do you think of the five positive words you wrote

  about yourself? Place this list in a private computer file or

  in a paper file you keep in your work area or at home, and

  add to it regularly. Once a week, take it out, read it aloud,

  and let those words sink in. What’s the impact of being your

  own cheerleader? Do more personal cheerleading in the

  coming weeks, until it comes natural y. What’s the effect of

  this cheerleading? Does it start to come natural y? If not, do

  more of it.

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  How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 91

  4. Take some time this week to review chal enges you’ve

  successful y mastered. Reflecting on them, what is true

  about your determination, resilience, wil power, and inner

  strength? Take some time to write in your private journal or

  simply to think about the strong person you are. If you have

  a close friend you share insights with, tell this friend what

  you’re learning about yourself.

  5. Practice the mental tape recorder exercise at least once a

  week on a tape you want to nuke. When you reflect on the

  voice you hear in your head as you repeat “tape one,” does

  it sound like a parent? When you hear “tape two,” does it

  sound like your own voice? Yo
u may be carrying voices from

  the past in your head. Replace them with your own voice

  and statements.

  6. Think of a current difficulty you wish didn’t exist. How are you

  reacting to it? What happens to your breathing and mus-

  cle tension when you think about it? What feelings does it

  arouse? What strategies have you employed thus far to han-

  dle it?

  7. Practice in your own mind statements like “I’m not playing,”

  “Nonsense,” “Nice bait,” and “Game over.” The next time a

  workplace bul y gives you an opportunity for real-life prac-

  tice, use them out loud on the bul y. How did they work?

  Take some time to enjoy watching attempts to bul y you go

  down in defeat.

  8. What other mental habits or attitudes do you want to get rid

  of? Pick one and work on it this week.

  9. What new initiatives would you like to start?

  10. Who in your work life tries to control you? What have you

  learned that can help you stop them?

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  9

  COUNTERING BULLY TACTICS

  AND BULLY SPEAK

  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the

  arena . . . who strives valiantly . . . who at the best

  knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

  and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails

  while daring greatly . . . .

  —THEODORE ROOSEVELT

  WAYNE, THE SCORCHED-EARTH FIGHTER, loved blaming every-

  thing that went wrong on his business partner, Marie. Although

  he oversaw fiscal management, when taxes came due, he castigated

  her for not figuring out how to scam the IRS, although doing so was

  clearly il egal. Although he angered clients, he held Marie accountable

  for those they lost to other vendors. When revenue dropped, he accused

  Marie of not marketing more vigilantly.

  Bullies wield a variety of tactics and weapons in an effort to dom-

  inate and win. They subject you to a stream of verbal abuse, snide

  comments, insulting emails, and threats; blame you for everything,

  including their own flaws; publicly humiliate you; hide behind a Dr.

  Jekyll shield; manipulate you; make unreasonable demands; and

  exploit you to meet their own needs.

  Although these tactics can devastate you, like Dorothy in The

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  Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 93

  Wizard of Oz, you can claim victory by exposing the tactics to light.

  When Toto jerked the curtain back he showed the wizard for what

  he was, a shriveled old man working the levers to create an illusion.

  When Dorothy threw a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the

  West, the witch melted. Let’s draw the curtain back to expose work-

  place bullies, with our water bucket in hand ready to be tossed. You

  can defeat bully tactics.

  VERBAL ABUSE, SNIDE COMMENTS,

  AND INSULTING EMAILS

  Like a dog chewing on a bone, bullies gnaw away at your vulnera-

  bilities, until you crack wide open, humiliated and demeaned. Patri-

  cia Evans, author of the classic text The Verbally Abusive Relationship,

  describes verbal abuse as a “kind of battering which doesn’t leave

  physical evidence,” but “is often more painful because it lingers in the

  mind of its target.”

  Evans says bullies verbally abuse “as a means of holding power

  over” their targets and to “negate the perceptions, experience, values,

  and accomplishments of those they target. Bullies constantly invali-

  date the targets’ reality, insidiously blaming, accusing, and confusing

  them.”

  Four Ways to Defuse Verbal Abuse

  Defeat this bully tactic with four strategies.

  Strategy #1: Neutralize Your Bully’s Attacks. Build and memorize

  an arsenal of statements and questions that swiftly neutralize verbal

  attacks. A flatly uttered “Give it a rest” lets your bully know you’re

  calling “game over.” You can ask “What?” or “Pardon me?” as if you

  can’t believe the bully meant the insulting remarks. A calm “Your

  point?” says you don’t think the bully has made one and may even

  place the bully on the defensive. If the bully persists and asks “Do you

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  94 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  have a problem with your hearing?” you can say “No, I wanted to

  give you a chance to remove your foot from your mouth.”

  Strategy #2: Refuse to Play by the Bully’s Rules. If you don’t play

  along, you witness a failed attempt to bully you. Exit the situation as

  Annette did when Andy barked at her. In contrast, Suzanne endured

  Andy’s screaming, thinking the situation would get better; she finally

  quit because she couldn’t stand the continued abuse.

  Strategy #3: Document What’s Happening. Use your digital

  voice recorder, pocket DVR, or webcam. Connect with witnesses who

  can provide corroborative evidence to help you confront and defeat

  the bully.

  Strategy #4: Detox Each Night. Bullies wear you down. Worse,

  you help them by taking their words and actions home with you. At

  night, you might think about all the things you didn’t or couldn’t say

  in your own defense. You might even dream about the bully’s contin-

  ued attacks. As a result, you wake up exhausted and dread returning

  to work.

  As discussed in Chapter 8, don’t give the bully an outpost in your

  mind. Bullies deny your abilities, intentionally devaluing you as a per-

  son and an employee. Get their toxic thoughts out of your head and

  externalize them by writing the bully a letter that says everything that

  needs to be said. You don’t need to mail this letter, just seal it, and give

  yourself closure. Make each night a vacation from your bully.

  THE BLAME/SHAME GAME

  Bullies like Wayne delight in berating and ridiculing their targets

  mercilessly. Because they refuse to take responsibility or feel guilt,

  they justify what they do by blaming others. These bullies accuse you

  of their sins, and once they convince you that you’re the problem, they

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  Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 95

  feel they’re off the hook. Ask bullies why they explode in rage, and

  they’ll say you made them do it because you screwed up, challenged

  them, or stood in their way.

  Bullies excel at projecting their shortcomings onto you. If you’re

  a good person and a bully says, “You’re not treating me well,” it leads

  you to question yourself. Thus, bullies twist you into emotional and

  mental knots and chip away at your confidence. Once they cause you

  to look anxiously at yourself, they draw your attention to your most

  negative qualities, lowering your self-esteem and making you more

  susceptible to their control.

  When you acquiesce, you fulfill their need to control. They lash

  out if you start to slip away. Though he treated her with contempt,

  Wayne hated Marie for leaving their partnership. He wanted her to

&nb
sp; remain under his thumb—his personal whipping girl.

  Have bullies projected their behavior onto you, accusing you of

  flaws they refuse to admit in themselves? Have bullies focused on

  splinters in your eyes rather than the planks in their own? Have bul-

  lies convinced you that any problems in your work relationship or

  situation are your own fault?

  The Best Defense Against the Blamer: A Good Offense

  A bully’s blame/shame attacks can lead you into defending instead of

  asserting yourself. Douse blame/shame with the cold water of reality.

  Step back and look at what’s really happening. An ancient fable poses

  this scenario: You show up at your teacher’s house for a class. The

  teacher invites you in and offers you tea. You’re thirsty and start to

  pick up the cup. The teacher pulls out a large stick and says, “If you

  pick up the cup, I will hit you with this stick. If you don’t pick up the

  cup, I’ll hit you.” If you were the student, what would you do?

  Some sit frozen in indecision, others drink the tea, knowing that

  the blow will come but preferring that option to being hit and remain-

  ing thirsty. An educated target takes the stick from the teacher and

  says, “I don’t like either choice.” Others might choose to exit the house,

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  96 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  leaving the teacher, tea, and stick behind. Many bully blamers, like

  the teacher, present you with a no-win situation in which it’s “heads

  you lose, tails you lose.” If Marie leaves the partnership, she abandons

  her investment; if she stays, she endures Wayne’s verbal “stick.”

  Don’t let a blamer trap you and then take you apart piece by

  piece, as Wayne did to Marie. Stand strong, before the blame/shame

  game depletes your self-esteem and you can neither protect yourself

  nor think straight. Declare what you see as the truth. Having the courage of your convictions requires that you have conviction. Don’t let

  anyone, even you, disrespect you.

  THE PUBLIC HUMILIATION GAME

  While some bullies attack in private, others prefer to pounce on their

  targets in front of an audience. Bullies know the pressure watching

  eyes and listening ears have on some targets. Perhaps you are one

  of those who immediately wilt from embarrassment. It gave Geoff a

  special thrill to watch Adam back down in front of other staff mem-

 

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