Beating the Workplace Bully

Home > Other > Beating the Workplace Bully > Page 13
Beating the Workplace Bully Page 13

by Lynne Curry


  wind out of your bully’s sails. For example:

  THE BULLY: “You didn’t listen to me.”

  YOU: “I’ve heard enough.”

  Or, make a statement in the form of a question:

  YOU: “Is that the best you can do?”

  Another phrase that works is, “You just did it again,” which forces

  your bully to ask, “What do you mean?” allowing you to say, “Attack

  me.” If the bully then says, “You’re too sensitive,” you can ask, “Com-

  pared to whom?” taking the lead back.

  When you ask a question, you are saying, “I’m strong enough to

  hear another’s opinion. I don’t wilt under the bully’s scorn, or cower

  when the bully blasts me. I don’t pretend to be perfect.” To the bully,

  you state confidently, “Lay it on me. Take your best shot. Game on.”

  Notice what happens internally when you do this. Questions protect

  you in a way that neither retaliating nor defending yourself does.

  When you fight in response to an attack, particularly if your face

  has turned red and your mouth tightened, you signal to yourself, the

  bully, and anyone watching that the bully has pushed you into a reac-

  tive mode of fight, flight, or freeze.

  Similarly, defensiveness accomplishes little and demonstrates

  you’ve let the bully get to you. Even as you’re outwardly defending

  yourself, you may quail inwardly. Worse, after the encounter, you

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Turn the Tables on a Bully with One Easy Move ❚ 107

  may wonder if the bully’s right, that you’re somehow less of a person

  than he.

  So turn the tables. Train yourself to ask a question when attacked.

  Your Turn: Where Are You Now?

  1. When you’re attacked, what happens inside you? Do you

  get angry? Defensive? Are you intimidated?

  2. What happens mental y and physical y to you? Do you stop

  thinking? Breathe faster? Feel your heart pound?

  3. When a bul y judges you, do you start to judge yourself?

  4. Practice responding to the following attacks with questions:

  - Where did you come up with this crap?

  - You are impossibly dumb.

  - You’re a bitch.

  - Can’t you ever do anything right?

  - How could you be so stupid?

  - You moron.

  - You real y made a mess of that.

  - You’re a fat cow.

  5. For the next three days, ask a question whenever a bul y

  makes a statement, asks a question, or looks at you in a way

  that attacks or puts you down.

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  11

  CREATE THE YOU WHO WON’T

  KNUCKLE UNDER

  The world breaks everyone and afterward many

  are strong at the broken places.

  —ERNEST HEMINGWAY

  ANNE THOUGHT SHE’D put the Karla nightmare behind her when

  she started her new job. She’d taken a work break, gotten her

  master’s degree, and moved from Chicago to Portland. But she hadn’t

  counted on Eudora.

  “I was reading about you,” Eudora smiled, sidling up to Anne in the

  break room.

  “Reading?”

  “Pretending not to know?”

  Anne felt a sudden sick feeling in her stomach.

  “I love to research new hires, especial y those who move from out of

  state. Fascinating Facebook posts about you; the men in our company

  have so much to look forward to.”

  The nausea in Anne’s stomach turned to ice. Would she have to leave

  this job too?

  What does it take to stop bullies?

  You—and your ability to outsmart them.

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 109

  Bullying produces results for the bully. If you don’t want to be

  steamrolled or trampled, you have to become someone who can and

  will stand up to and outmaneuver bullies. This means you need to

  think and act differently from how you have in the past. The problems

  you face can’t be solved with the same thinking that led you into those

  problems.

  DIG DEEP AND FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH

  How do you grow stronger and become smart and tough enough to

  take on the bullies in your work life? You start from where you are and

  grow the skills you need.

  Starting from where you are means not judging yourself. For

  example, let’s say you’re easily intimidated, and, although you’ve

  learned effective strategies from Chapters 3, 6, and 7, you still back

  down when a bully threatens you. This then is your starting point.

  Never worry about not being brave or strong enough. Instead,

  dig deep inside yourself, into the place from which you draw inner

  strength. You may have tapped this before. If not, it’s where your

  sense of resolve and willingness to take on a challenge comes from.

  A Simple Way to Stop Being a Pushover

  If you’ve never found this place inside yourself before, here’s a simple

  strategy for finding it the first time or for visiting it now. To feel your

  core strength, create an inner focus. Allow yourself to “feel” the words

  centered, grounded, inner strength, and rock solid. Focus on each word one-at-a-time, not moving on until you feel that word. You’ll notice that you connect with one or more of those words at a deep level. Close

  your eyes, and allow yourself to completely experience the word or

  words that resonate most strongly.

  In the training sessions I conduct, I have attendees try this in pairs.

  One person watches her partner doing this inner work and when she

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  110 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  sees a look of determination or resolve coming over her partner’s face,

  she puts an arm behind the partner and pushes with her hand against

  the partner’s chest. Participants are always stunned that they can’t

  push over a person who’s inwardly focused on words such as inner

  strength or rock solid.

  One frail woman, who announced ahead of the activity that she

  wouldn’t be able to master it, stood like concrete when her partner

  pushed against her. “I never would have thought I had that in me,”

  she said. “I imagined I was a massive oak tree with roots going deep

  into the earth.” A week later she sent me a photo she’d taken of a tree

  she’d drawn, which now hung over her desk.

  If you’re doing this exercise alone with no one to push you, you

  may nonetheless notice that a sensation remains with you when you

  finish the exercise. You may feel stronger and more centered. This

  is the result of digging deep and reaching the place inside yourself

  where you find resolve.

  You can add to this feeling of strength by reflecting on any

  mind-opening revelations you’ve gained from reading the first ten

  chapters. Insights inspire growth. By verbalizing them, you cement

  what you’ve learned in your memory. Give yourself a moment to

  rejoice in what you have discovered about yourself and the changes

  you intend to create in your work life and how you relate to your

  bully.

  STEP I
NTO YOUR POWER

  In John 8:32, it says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth

  will set you free.”

  The truth is that you deserve better.

  Set yourself free. When a bully confronts you, consider how a

  brave person would handle the bully or situation, and become that

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 111

  brave person. Unless it compromises your physical safety, be willing to

  exit your comfort zone. Bullies push and push and push until someone

  stops them. Find the courage to express what you want.

  Voice your views clearly so your bully can’t miss hearing what

  you’ve said. “I” statements work when both parties are operating

  from a win/win mindset; “you” statements have the directness bullies

  can’t ignore. “Do not insult me” proves stronger than “That upsets

  me” and defines a firm boundary for what you will and won’t allow.

  Even if speaking honestly doesn’t change your bully, it bolsters you to

  hear yourself saying what needs to be said.

  When you step forward, you’re not fragile, passive, or powerless.

  You’re not just letting events happen to you and silently allowing bul-

  lies to walk all over you. You’re standing up for yourself, knowing you

  have inner strength.

  EMPOWER YOURSELF BY MANAGING MENTAL BARRIERS

  The unfairness of being targeted by a bully can tie you in mental

  knots. Your mind travels each turn of the rope, looking for the elusive

  end where you hope to find fairness. Even if you untie the knots, you

  won’t find the treatment you deserve. Move past this “it isn’t fair”

  sticking point by developing a game plan that defeats further bully-

  ing; that’s what will create future fairness.

  Turn off Your Blame Button

  Bullies excel at projecting their weaknesses onto targets, and adding a

  dose of shame. Don’t allow your blame button to be pushed. Criticize

  the bully, not yourself. If you buy into the bullies’ projections, you

  relieve them of their accountability and take on their shame burden.

  Have you been turning yourself inside out to please a bully who will

  never be appeased? Learn to doubt the bully, not yourself.

  Waste no time in finger-pointing. Blame gives away your power

  by placing the responsibility to change on your bully. To deal with

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  112 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  bullying, you need a powerful, solution-oriented focus on what you

  need to do to stop the bully. Even though the bully’s behavior is not

  your fault, when you take on bullying as your problem, you move

  toward fixing it.

  Don’t blame yourself for being bullied and never take bullying per-

  sonally. You didn’t create the bully, nor ask to be bullied. The bully’s

  actions project his or her reality, not yours. If you’ve been trampled

  in the past, don’t berate yourself. Instead, remind yourself of your

  strengths. For example, do you instinctively give others compassion

  and warmth? Would you value a warm, compassionate friend? If so,

  value yourself.

  Fight Your Fear

  Fear may swamp your fighting spirit. Escape this swamp by owning

  your fear. Unaddressed fear paralyzes the spirit; however, once you

  claim your fear, you can use it to sharpen your senses. Fear-generated

  adrenaline can motivate you to action.

  By managing these mental barriers, you empower yourself. When

  you find the courage to express what you really want, you renew your

  spirit. When you set goals, make decisions, and follow through on

  personal commitments for how you’ll handle bullying tactics, you

  overcome former limitations and discover untapped abilities. Taking

  action strengthens your will.

  UPROOT OLD HABITS WITH NEW ACTIONS

  Old habits die hard. At first, when you begin handling bullies differ-

  ently, you may find yourself instinctively reacting with doormat com-

  pliance or other unwanted behavior. You can fix this with the “stop,

  freeze, do anything else but” strategy. This technique helps you catch

  yourself just as you’re about to repeat the past and allows you to create

  a new future.

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 113

  The “Stop, Freeze, Do Anything Else But” Strategy

  Here’s how it works: The moment you notice you’re about to react in

  a way that plays into the bully’s hand, stop yourself, and take a differ-

  ent action than the first one that comes to mind. This “anything else

  but” strategy seems simple, and is. It halts and uproots former habits.

  For example, imagine a bully insults you and you start to apologize.

  Stop, mid-sentence if you have to, and say, “Wait, it’s you who needs

  to apologize” or simply look at the bully in disgusted disbelief.

  Never punish yourself for a slip backwards into old behaviors.

  That turns a misstep into a derailment. Instead, stop, freeze, and do

  something other than your old habit. By doing this consistently, you

  can discover a new way forward and become an individual who won’t

  knuckle under anymore.

  Visualize and Rehearse New Habits

  Strengthen your new habits by repeated mental rehearsals. Imag-

  ine yourself walking forward with purposeful strides. See yourself

  making clear, direct statements. Picture yourself doing the right

  things over and over, duplicating the real-life situation as closely

  as possible. Picture also what you don’t want to happen, and plan

  how to respond to any worst-nightmare scenarios with poise. Don’t

  imagine yourself intimidated; instead, envision yourself keeping

  your cool, no matter what. By mentally creating the scene with as

  many details as possible, and putting yourself into it, you give your-

  self a safe environment in which to try out your strategies. Visualize

  yourself doing the right thing from beginning to end, so that you

  can feel you’ve been there, and successfully done what you would

  like to do.

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  114 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY

  Your Turn: Where Are You Now?

  1. What was your first thought when you read the chapter

  title? Was it excitement or fear? What happened to your

  confidence level as you read the chapter?

  2. Consider your past responses to bul ies—perhaps fear,

  knuckling under, or embarrassment. What places within

  yourself can you identify that might need strengthening for

  you to respond to rather than react to a bul y’s outburst?

  3. What thoughts did you have in response to the “dig deep”

  discussion about not judging yourself? How does it free you

  to simply consider where you are, with your strengths and

  fears, or other chal enges, as your starting point?

  4. Try the dig deep “pushover” exercise with another person.

  Notice how much more intense the lesson is when you

  pass it on. Try saying the words rock solid, steadfast, inner

  strength, and c
entered—this time with your eyes open. If

  one or more of these words gives you strength, write it on

  several sticky notes. Place one in your work area and one

  on your bathroom mirror, where you’ll see them daily. If you

  don’t want others reading your reminders, simply write the

  initial letters as in rs, s, is, or c. Let is be an inside joke.

  5. What area of your comfort zone or what mental habit or

  attitude do you want to move past? Select one and work

  on it this week.

  6. Dream a little and think of a new initiative you would like

  to start; it can even be something that has nothing to do

  with bul ying. When you set goals, you inspire yourself. When

  you take concrete steps toward your goals, you build your

  self-confidence.

  7. Create a list of four “you” statements that fit situations you

  have recently encountered. Then say each of them out

  loud. What happens inside you when you state them?

  Try saying each of them three times in a row; make your

  American Management Association • www.amanet.org

  Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 115

  voice firm and strong. Al ow this to be the voice that speaks

  in your ear.

  8. Uproot your habit of criticizing and second-guessing your-

  self. Here’s an experiment: Go cold turkey on self-criticism

  for the next forty-eight hours. If you catch yourself criticizing

  yourself, stop, and think of three qualities about yourself you

  admire, or two things you’ve done right in the last week.

  9. Have you found yourself going in circles with the “it’s not

  fair” mental knot? How would it benefit you if you decided,

  “I’m the one who can make this situation fair”?

  10. In the next two weeks, develop your ability to respond

  quickly, easily, and effectively to bul y jabs. If a bul y makes a

  statement for which you have no response, use the al -

  purpose “Pardon me?” or a wryly spoken, “Classy . . . not.”

  Keep a list of any put-downs for which you lacked a

  response, and let your creative brain consider them until

  you create two responses for handling each bul y slam. If

  you find yourself struggling to come up with a response, you

  can write to me at my website, www.workplacecoachblog.

  com, and I’ll come up with several for you.

  11. Try the “stop, freeze, do anything else but” strategy at least

 

‹ Prev