“They say you can’t die from depression.” Meredith looked at her daughter, a wistful expression on her face. “But that’s just not true.”
“Please ignore her, Aidan.” Roxie’s face was more than flushed, and her cheeks were bright red. “I’m perfectly fine.”
“I should go on in.” Meredith said. She touched her hair, then brushed a hand over her brow. “It was nice to meet you.”
She turned and went in, leaving them alone on the porch. Aidan put the backpack down beside him and crossed to Roxie, hands fisted at his side. “What the hell is she talking about?”
Roxie closed her eyes and shook her head. “You’re not going to take nothing as an answer, are you?”
“Nope.” He gripped her shoulders and pulled her closer, so he could look down into her eyes. “Tell me.”
“My sister… when I was in high school, my sister got depressed. Very, clinically depressed. And teenagers, it affects them differently. All their emotions are so amplified, anyway.”
“Go on.”
“She committed suicide. She bought a bunch of pain pills from a guy at school and she overdosed.” Her gaze had drifted down. She was staring at his chest, but her eyes were distant. She was somewhere in the past. “When it happened, the psychologist told them to watch me for signs of depression, because it runs in families, and that suicide was statistically more likely in someone when a family member has done it.
“I was fine. I’ve always been fine… until the stuff at work. Now, it’s like I’ve got a death clock over my head. My dad acts like he’s waiting for the time to come, like… anyway, they’re wrong. They couldn’t be more wrong.”
“How serious is your depression? You make jokes about it, but it sounds like it’s a way bigger deal than you’ve portrayed it to me.” He still gripped her shoulders, maybe too hard, and he let his hands fall away.
“It’s serious enough that I quit my job and moved back in with my parents.” Her voice became heated. “All of which I’ve told you already. Jesus, Aidan. Don’t you dare pretend like this is going to be the thing that scares you off. You’ve had a foot out the door since we got in the truck.”
“Don’t you act like being sick isn’t a big deal. It’s a very big deal.” It had never occurred to him that people died of depression, but he’d known. Been on enough calls where someone was going to jump, or hurt themselves somehow. He just hadn’t ever put it together with what Roxie had, but he should’ve. Now, he’d left them both vulnerable. “I’ve got to go. I need to think for a few days. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”
He hated himself for being so harsh with her, but he had to get out of there, like right this minute, and he needed some time to think about everything that had happened.
He stormed off to the truck, leaving Roxie alone on the porch. He couldn’t even look at her face, because he knew the disappointment he’d see there. He was running, and he knew that, hated himself for it. But everything inside him said to bolt.
In a minute, he was racing down the street, back to his apartment.
It had been two days since Aidan stormed off her front porch, leaving her standing there alone. She couldn’t even bring herself to be mad at her mom. She knew the idea of her being sick was a big trigger for Aidan. She also knew he was scared to be in a relationship with her.
Roxie poured herself a cup of coffee and let out a bitter laugh. Showed how well he knew her. She wasn’t any more excited by the prospect than he was. When she cared about people, she lost them. And, damn it, she cared about Aidan. Like, a lot. Maybe more than cared.
Opening the screen door, she walked out onto the back porch and sat down in the wooden swing. Jinx hopped up on her lap and rubbed his face against the hand holding her coffee.
The old swing creaked under her weight, which wasn’t all that much anymore. Since she’d quit work, Roxie had probably lost thirty pounds. She existed on coffee and whatever food her mother could guilt her into eating.
She’d eaten more camping than she normally ate in a week. The camping had been good for her, the sex had been phenomenal, and she should take it for what it was, because Aidan was never calling again.
The door squeaked open behind her. Roxie didn’t turn to look; she knew who it was. With her father doing his best to ignore her, only her mom would seek out a conversation.
Meredith sat down on the swing and began moving it in rhythm with Roxie.
“I messed things up, didn’t I?”
“No more than they already were. Don’t worry about it.” Roxie sipped her coffee and continued to stare out into the yard. Two gnomes stood, playful, beside a birdbath. A blue jay was there now, dipping its beak into the water.
“Well, what’s that mean? Are the two of you just friends or is there more going on?”
Ah, her mother’s discreet way of asking if they were sleeping together.
“I don’t exactly know how to answer that anymore, Mom. When he left, he said he needed time to think. I’m pretty sure that’s code for how to end things without it seeming like he’s ending it because I’m depressed.”
“Oh.” Her mother sat with her, watching the birds come and go for a few minutes. “If that’s true, then you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Let him go.”
“I guess. I mean, if he wants to stop… being friends then there’s nothing I can do, right?”
“That’s up to you, my sweet girl.” Her mother stood up. “I’m going to make breakfast. How many eggs do you want?”
“None. I’ll grab something later.”
“No, you’ll tell me you will, but then you’ll forget. One egg or two?”
Roxie ran her fingers through her messy hair. Her mom was right—that’s exactly what she would do. “I’ll try to eat one. And a piece toast, but no bacon or anything.”
Her mother turned back to the house, a satisfied smile on her face.
“Mom?”
“Yes?
Roxie bit her lip. She was so afraid to say it out loud; the finality and realness of it weighed on her. “I think I love him.”
“Oh, baby.” Meredith sat back down on the swing and wrapped her arms around Roxie. “It will work out, I’m sure of it. He seemed like he really cared about you.”
“Think so? Seemed to me like he was looking for an excuse to get out of here, and he found one.”
“Because I’m an idiot who can’t keep her mouth shut.” Meredith pulled Roxie in for a tighter hug. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s my life. I’m just… destined to never have anything work out for me. Everything blows up in my face. Everything.”
“You’ve got to give life a chance. Bad things do happen to good people, that’s just one of those facts no one scrapes through life without learning. But, it’s not all bad. Good things happen, too, especially if you’re open to them.”
Roxie shook her head. Tears pricked at her eyes. “I’m done being life’s bitch. I’d rather get through it without hoping for more than let it yank the rug out from under me one more time.”
“How can good things happen to you with that attitude?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want them to, when life makes everything turn to shit anyway.”
Meredith stood back up with a sigh. “I can’t fix this for you. I wish to God I could, but I can’t. You’ve got a lot to figure out, honey.”
She clasped her palms together in front of her and turned to go.
“Are you saying I should go after this, Mama? After him, after happiness, after love?” Roxie sat forward, she wanted someone to tell her the right thing to do.
Meredith paused on the squeaky floorboard that needed replacing. “With everything you’ve got.”
Roxie sat back in the swing while her mother returned to the kitchen to make breakfast. He had the power to hurt her so deeply, if she went to him, and he sent her away. This was bad, the not knowing, the wondering if there was a chance at happiness
. But grasping for it, only to be pushed away? That would be so much worse.
She rocked and wondered what to do.
Aidan and Kurt were making chili for the guys on their shift. It had been a slow night so far, and hopefully would be for the rest of the shift. Not only did Aidan always hope there wouldn’t be calls because calls meant people in danger, but right now his mind and heart weighed heavily against one another.
Kurt was browning meat and dumping in spices. “So, how was camping? You took that chick right? The broken—er, the one who was a social worker, right?”
Aidan gave Kurt a warning look. Roxie was a hell of a lot more to him than “that chick” and if Kurt called her broken one more time, they were going to have a problem.
“Oh, my God. You actually slept with her.”
Aidan stopped chopping onions and glared at Kurt. “What the hell makes you say that?”
“I can tell by the look you gave me. You slept with her and you’re falling for her.” Kurt stirred the meat and added some more chili powder. “Hurry up with those onions. They’re supposed to cook with the meat, not after.”
Aidan chopped marginally faster, as fast as he trusted himself to chop without losing a finger. He didn’t say anything because as big of an ass as Kurt could be, he was also very perceptive. Probably why he was able to locate all those “broken” women he swore he slept with then dumped.
“So what’s your plan? You going to date her?”
“I never planned to date anyone again. I thought I’d always get in and get out, keep things light.”
Kurt gave him a big grin. “How’s that working out for you?”
Aidan dumped his onions in the pan. “What now?”
“That’s what I’m asking you.” The onions began to turn clear as they cooked.
“No, dumb ass. What now for the chili?” Aidan washed the onion smell from his hands and used a wad of paper towels to dry them.
He could do worse than discussing this with Kurt. It’s not like he had anyone else to talk to. He’d stopped seeing Dr. K. about six months prior when he’d said Aidan had well-adjusted to his grief. He wasn’t close to his parents, who lived in Washington state. Miley had been his best friend. Until Roxie.
He could’ve discussed anything with Roxie. She spoke her mind, but she was never judgmental. At least not about anyone but herself. She gave herself way more shit than she deserved.
But, he supposed, that was part of depression. He’d looked it up online. He’d read about the symptoms, about the treatment. He’d gone through a mild depression when Miley died, but he’d seen a professional, who Roxie had recommended, to help him get through it.
He didn’t know if Roxie took medication or saw a therapist. He hadn’t bothered to ask, and that was on him. She’d been open and honest about having it, about how it had affected her life, and even what had been the traumatic event that caused it.
She’d have answered questions, if he’d had the guts to ask them. He thought, at the time, he’d listened to her. But, now, he wasn’t so sure. If he’d wanted to know more, all he’d had to do was ask. She hated to be considered “sick.” He knew because he’d put down her boyfriend for leaving when she was sick and she’d blown up at him.
And here he was, unable to decide what to do next because he’d labeled her as sick. And sick meant losing chunks of your life, maybe even losing someone you loved.
Had he fallen for her? Yeah. He was lost in her, in love with her. Even if he couldn’t admit it to anyone else, he couldn’t lie to himself. He had no idea what to do about it.
“Hey, man, I’ve been talking to you for the last five minutes. Did you hear a word I said?”
“Not really. Guess I was lost in my own little world.” Aidan got up and joined Kurt at the stove.
“Time to start opening those big cans of beans.”
“I’m on it.” Aidan piled two extra-large cans on the counter near the electric can-opener.
“So what has you so preoccupied? Your new girlfriend?”
“I don’t think she’s my girlfriend. Things didn’t end so well last time I saw her.” He set up the can opener and pushed down the handle.
“Hold up. You don’t think she is? What the hell happened?” Kurt stopped stirring the meat and tomatoes to turn and give Aidan a look, eyebrows raised.
Aidan handed Kurt the first can and started the next industrial-sized can of kidney beans. “You know how I said she was vulnerable?”
“Yeah. So?” Kurt dumped the can in. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date her. Vulnerable girls can be hot. They’re so eager to please.”
“Jesus, Kurt. Don’t make me punch you in the face.” Aidan handed Kurt the second can. He made his way back over to his stool and sat down. “This is not about how she is in bed, okay? We will never have that conversation, so stop fishing.”
“Okay, okay. No discussing sex with… er, what’s her name again?”
“Roxie.”
“No discussing sex with Roxie.” Kurt gritted his teeth as he took a large wooden spoon and stirred the chili, setting it to simmer. He hopped up on the counter near the stove. “But, seriously. What’s the problem? You like her, does she like you?”
“That was the impression I got. I don’t know if she wants a relationship. I don’t know if I want a relationship.” With someone who’s sick. He didn’t say it out loud, couldn’t betray Roxie that way. But how would he ever think of her as anything else?
Kurt rolled his eyes. “Life’s too short to waffle over shit. You either want her or you don’t. If you do, you go get her.”
Chapter Eleven
It had been five days since Roxie had seen Aidan. She hadn’t even received a text. She should accept it was over.
Instead, she was throwing a Hail Mary. She got up from the porch swing and walked into her bathroom. She climbed into the shower, took her time shaving her legs and lotioning her skin.
Standing in front of the mirror, she blow-dried her hair into massive curls that framed her face. Digging under the bathroom sink, she found her makeup bag. It had been months, seriously long months, since she’d put on anything more than the lip gloss and mascara she’d worn the day they went rock-wall climbing.
Tonight, she lined her eyes in kohl black and curled her eye lashes. The mascara should be thrown away, it was so old, but she decided to risk it, brushing it on in even strokes. She chose a pale pink lipstick and filled in her lips.
When all that was done, she went to her closet and opened the double doors. She picked through clothes that were more than shorts and a t-shirt. Her mother walked by the door, stopped, and backed up to stare at Roxie.
“You did your makeup.”
“I’m going to see Aidan. He’s going to talk to me or I’ll kill him. I may need bail money.”
“It’s 8:30 at night, honey. And it’s supposed to storm tonight. Don’t you think you should wait until tomorrow?”
“Can’t—I’ll lose my nerve.” Roxie pulled out a pretty white blouse that fell off one shoulder and jeans with a stylish rip on the thigh. She dug through her underwear drawer for her pink strapless bra and finally found it in the back. She pulled out a little, pink lacy thing to wear under her jeans.
“Okay. Do you want to borrow my perfume?”
Roxie gave her mom a smile. “Yes, please.”
“I’ll be right back.” Meredith took off down the hall and came back with the small bottle of expensive perfume. Roxie took it, dabbing it on her wrists and beneath her ears.
Once she was dressed, she eyed the final result in the mirror. She looked… pretty. She hadn’t felt pretty, other than when Aidan gave her one of those hungry looks, in a long time. Her mother stood behind her, beaming at her through the mirror.
“I’m going to see him, Mom.”
“You go fight for what you want, baby.” Meredith sat down on Roxie’s bed and looked around the room. “Hopefully, I won’t see you back here tonight.”
“Mom!�
� Roxie twisted to face Meredith. “Don’t say things like that.”
“It’s true.” She gave Roxie a smile, her eyes glistening in the lamplight. “I’m so proud of you. You’re pulling yourself out of this, hand over hand, and I know it’s hard. But, you can have happiness again, Roxie. You’re not cursed. Life has just dealt you some bad hands.”
“We’ll see,” Roxie murmured. She picked her keys up and grabbed her small wallet wristlet. “Bye, Mom.”
She strode out of the house without looking back. Storm clouds gathered on the horizon, dark, angry things, and she could only hope the rain would hold off until she got to Aidan’s apartment.
In the car, as she made her way back to where she remembered his apartment, she turned the radio up loud. Loud enough to drown out the doubts circling her brain like vultures. One way or another, she’d know where she stood after this, and that was all that mattered.
The first raindrops began to fall as she parked her car on the street outside of Aidan’s garage apartment. It was a long walk up the driveway, and she could only brave the rain and her fears until she got to his door.
She eyed it from her place in the car. She could drive off now and he’d never know she’d even been here. She didn’t have to do this, didn’t have to risk what little pride she had left for this man.
Except she did. She needed Aidan, desperately. She loved him so much it seemed to both expand and threaten to implode her heart, all at once. If she tried hard enough to explain herself, her depression to him, surely he would understand he didn’t need to be concerned.
The rain fell in sheets by the time she got up the nerve to open the door. Searching for an umbrella in vain, she had to decide whether to hope for it to stop while she waited or just say screw it and make a run for it.
She couldn’t wait any longer. Her nerves seemed to run along her skin like an electric current. Now that she was here, she had to know if this was something they could work through.
She hopped out of the car with a cry of surprise. The rain was icy cold and soaked her shirt within seconds. She made a mad dash up the driveway and the stairs to Aidan’s door. Her pale pink bra was completely visible beneath her soaked shirt. Her hair hung in a wet mess on her shoulders and makeup ran in rivulets down her face. Life was screwing with her once again, but she no longer cared. She couldn’t turn back now.
Exactly Like You: A Cupid Cafe Story Page 12
