Mack recalled some of those occasions himself, times when the family was lauding Susie for her outstanding grades or a track win. Jess was always on the sidelines, looking lost and sometimes angry. He’d attributed it to simple jealousy, but he realized now it had been much deeper than that.
“We need to find a way to mend those fences,” he told Will. “Susie’s going to need everyone in her corner. Something tells me Jess could be the best one to reach her. She learned how to be a fighter. For all the rest of the O’Briens, Susie included, things have come too easily.”
“Good point,” Will said. “To say nothing of the fact that it will be darned awkward for us if those two are at odds.” His expression sobered. “You doing okay? This can’t have been part of your plan.”
Mack managed a dry laugh. “As if I ever had a clear-cut plan where Susie and I were concerned. I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants for years now, trying to prove myself to her or maybe trying to convince myself I was good enough for her. Frankly, I’m surprised she married me, because she was clearly certain I’d bolt the second I heard the news.”
Will frowned. “You didn’t marry her just to prove a point, did you?”
“Of course not. I love her, Will. If anything happens to her…” His voice trailed off before he gave Will a determined look. “One thing for sure, I’m not going to take off on her.”
“Never thought you would,” Will said with total confidence. “You don’t run from problems. You never have. When your mom was a total mess and my folks invited you to live with us, you didn’t consider it for a second. You said your mom needed you. You were, what? Maybe twelve? And it never got any easier, but you stuck right in there.”
“Hating every second of it,” Mack said. “And her.” He shook his head sorrowfully. “I hated my own mother, Will. What does that say about me?”
“That you were the strongest kid I knew. However you felt about your mother, you understood that the problem she had with drugs and alcohol was a sickness, and you did what you knew in your gut was right. That’s the kind of moral compass that’ll get you through this situation with Susie.”
The certainty in his friend’s voice should have bolstered his spirits, but Mack shuddered. “I don’t know, man. This diagnosis is terrifying. It’s not just never having kids. That’s never been that big a deal for me. Susie could die! And look at all the time we will have wasted. It makes me sick when I think about it.”
“Then don’t think about it,” Will advised. “You can’t change the past.”
“Well, it’s not as if gazing into the future’s all that rosy, either,” Mack said, then added angrily, “Dammit, Will, she doesn’t deserve this.”
“No one deserves to have cancer,” Will said. “It just happens. Facing it proves the kind of inner strength we have.”
“What if I’m not strong enough?” Mack asked. “I’ve never doubted myself the way I have the past week or so. I thought losing my job was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but that’s a blasted picnic compared to this.”
Jake approached and took the vacant chair on his other side. “You need anything?” he asked, his expression somber. “Coffee? A stiff drink?”
“I could use the drink about now,” Mack admitted. “But I don’t want Susie waking up to scotch on my breath. She’ll figure out just how scared I am. I need to keep her convinced that I’m a hundred percent certain she’s going to have a full recovery.”
“And that’s what everyone in this room is going to believe,” Will said. “All that positive energy matters, Mack. I believe that. I’ve seen it work.”
Mack regarded him gratefully. “You’re not just saying that to keep me from freaking out?”
“You ever known me to say anything I don’t mean?” Will said, his gaze level. “Hang on to that, Mack. And if you can’t, then just hang on to us. There’s no shame in letting your friends see you’re scared. If it were Jess in that O.R., not a one of these words I’m saying would matter a hill of beans. I’d be freaking out, same as you.”
“Ditto if it were Bree,” Jake said, his gaze seeking out his wife. Every bit of the love he’d always felt for her was in the tenderness of his glance.
“I have no idea what I’d do if you two weren’t in my life, if you hadn’t been all these years,” Mack said with total sincerity. Even as kids, they’d instinctively shown him the kind of support and backup he’d never had at home. Along with Kevin and Connor and the rest of the O’Briens, they’d made up his family.
Jake gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Lucky for you, you’ll never have to find out. Now, why don’t I go grab some coffee for everyone? Mack, you want to help? From what I gather it’s going to be a while yet before there’s news. I imagine keeping busy will help the time go by more quickly.”
Mack nodded. Anything to get out of this crowded room and into fresh air. Anything to avoid sitting around thinking too much.
“I’ll come, too,” Will said. “I’ll let Jo know where we’re going.”
“Thanks,” Mack said, heading for the door.
Only when he was outside in the frigid December air did he draw in a deep breath.
“I think if I’d stayed there one more minute, I’d have lost it,” he told Jake.
“No, you wouldn’t have,” Jake said. “I heard what Will said earlier, and he was right. You always do what needs to be done, no matter how much it’s killing you inside. Right now you need to be strong for Susie, and trust me, you’re going to nail it.”
Mack hoped his friends weren’t mistaken, because it had never been more important to get it right.
The holidays, always Susie’s favorite time of the year, came and went in a blur. She’d barely recovered from the surgery when she had to begin chemo. Though she’d known it intuitively, she now had proof that cancer didn’t take breaks for Christmas or the New Year. The fight was nonstop.
There were days when she felt so crummy she wondered if it was all worth it, but Mack was by her side with whatever she needed—ginger ale, broth, a joke or simply to hold her in his arms, letting her soak up his strength.
That didn’t mean she hadn’t noticed the shadows under his eyes or his drawn expression. The day after the New Year dawned, she told him to sit beside her on the bed, then leveled a look directly into his eyes.
“Enough of this,” she said flatly.
“Enough of what?”
“You putting your life on hold for me. Where’s that business plan you promised to put together for Laila?”
He looked vaguely uneasy. “I’ve been working on it,” he claimed.
“Great. Then let me take a look at it while you schedule an appointment at the bank.”
“It can wait a little longer,” he protested. “Let’s get you through treatment first. We’re okay for money for now.”
She gave him an impatient look. “Money is not the point. You need to focus on something other than me. You’re hovering, and while I might bask in the attention, it’s starting to get on my nerves.”
He looked taken aback, and maybe just a little hurt. “I’m getting on your nerves? I’ve been trying to help.”
She grasped his hand. “Of course you’re helping, but you need to have your own life, Mack.”
“And I will,” he insisted.
“I want to see that business plan,” she repeated. “Now, please.”
He gave her a wry look. “Boy, are you bossy!”
“You knew that about me long ago,” she said. “And stop with the evasions. Do you have a plan or not? And I don’t want to see those napkins and notes you made weeks ago at Sally’s.”
He laughed. “Fine. Give me a minute.”
When he returned, he did, in fact, have several pages of carefully thought out ideas, organized into sections: potential costs for start-up, staffing, printing and so on, along with projections for advertising revenue. Even to her untrained eye, it looked like a shaky proposition.
“Can’t you boost the
se ad revenues some?”
“Not if I’m being realistic,” he said.
“Maybe you’ll have to get by with fewer people,” she suggested.
“I don’t see how. Believe me, I’ve talked to a lot of publishers in the region. This is the bare minimum.” He met her gaze. “Not so promising, is it? We’ll certainly never get rich this way.”
“Rich doesn’t matter,” she said. “Satisfaction and fulfillment are the goals.” She held his gaze. “Do you want to do this, Mack? Really and truly? Or was this just an exercise to pacify me?”
To her relief, his eyes lit up. “At first maybe that was it, but the more I thought about it and talked to other people, the more excited I got. It’ll be a challenge, no question about it, but it could be my chance to do something that matters for this community.”
He gave her a look that told her just how much he needed that, to do something that mattered.
“For so many years I got by around here by being a superjock and then a hotshot columnist,” he explained. “People gave me a pass, maybe even a little respect, even though behind my back I know there were always a few saying ‘Poor Mack, just look where he’s come from.’ I don’t want anyone’s pity anymore. I want to be someone they look up to because I’ve actually accomplished something important.”
“Being a superjock was an accomplishment,” Susie argued. “So was your newspaper job. Don’t downplay them.”
“I’m just saying this newspaper could be something that makes a difference, something that lasts and makes the community stronger.”
She saw it through his eyes and wanted that for him. “Then we’ll make it happen,” she said confidently. “We could talk to my dad, or to Uncle Mick,” she began, only to have him silence her with a look.
“Not a chance,” he said at once. “If the bank won’t back me without either of them, then I’ll figure out something else.”
“Come on, Mack. Be reasonable. There’s nothing wrong with finding backers for a business.”
“Not your family,” he said emphatically.
“What about Abby? She puts investment deals together. She did it for her mother, so Megan could open that gallery.”
He gave her an incredulous look. “She did that with family money,” he reminded her. “And Megan wasn’t one bit happy when she found out about it. Remember that?”
Susie sighed. Yeah, Megan had been ticked, but the gallery had been a huge success. She’d paid back every dime the family had invested. Mack would do the same. Arguing, though, when his jaw was set like that, was pointless.
“Fine. I’ll forget it for now. Just know that it’s a possibility if things don’t work out at the bank.”
Mack leaned down and kissed her. “I love you for believing in me, but I’ll handle this on my own. Your only job right now is beating cancer.”
Susie frowned at the comment. She knew he’d meant it to be supportive, but the lecture was getting old. Whatever lay ahead, she wanted to have a full life now. She didn’t want to spend whatever time she had so focused on cancer that she’d have no memories of actually living. She was a newlywed. She wanted to enjoy that. She wanted to celebrate it.
She faced Mack. “There’s something else we need to discuss.”
“Not now,” he said, already standing up and backing away from the bed. “You need to rest.”
“What I need is for the family to throw that huge party they started planning weeks ago after we eloped. I know you talked them into delaying it, but I want it, Mack. I want to dance with you and toast the two of us.”
He frowned. “I’m not sure—”
“Well, I am. Dr. Kinnear says it’s fine. I’m not an invalid, Mack. You have to stop treating me as if I am. I’m calling Mom this morning and telling her to set the date. We know when the chemo effects are the toughest. We’ll work around that.”
“But your immune system,” he protested. “You shouldn’t be around so many people.”
She caught his hand and insisted he sit once again beside her. “Here’s the deal. I love that you want to take care of me, but I want to live my life. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I will not look back at this period of time and regret that I didn’t make more memories while I still could. I don’t want the cancer to define my life, Mack. I want to live my life.”
“But—”
She shook her head. “No buts. This is my decision, Mack.”
“And I have no say?”
“About a thousand and one things, you do, but not about this one.” She looked into his eyes, saw the worry there. “Please don’t fight me on this. It’s one night, Mack. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“But I know you. If I give in, first it will be this party, then you’ll want to go back to work, then you’ll start taking dancing lessons or something.”
She laughed. “I think you’re safe when it comes to dancing lessons. I have two left feet.” She sobered. “But we could talk about me going back to work part-time.”
He sighed heavily. “See what I mean? Okay, I’ll agree to the party, if it means that much to you, but forget going back to work.”
“I could do paperwork here at home,” she suggested.
He shook his head, then chuckled. “You’re going to do it no matter what I say, aren’t you?”
She beamed at him. “Pretty much.”
“Okay, then,” he said, his expression resigned. “You have my blessing on all counts.”
“Thank you,” she said solemnly. “Now, go and fine-tune your proposal and make that appointment with Laila. I’m going to take a much-needed nap. Battling wits with you takes a lot out of me.”
“Me, too,” he commented drily, then kissed her. “Love you.”
She watched as he left the room, then sighed deeply. She’d waited a lifetime for those words to come from him so easily. She prayed she’d have just a little longer to truly savor them.
When Susie woke again, there were shadows in the room and someone was sitting in a chair near the window. Even though she couldn’t make out the features, she knew instinctively that it wasn’t Mack.
“Suze, are you awake?”
It was her brother. “Matthew, what are you doing here? Mack didn’t recruit you to babysit me, did he?”
“Are you kidding me? He wouldn’t dare. You’d never let him live to tell the story.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I just wanted to check on you,” he said. He walked over to the bed. “You mind?” He sat down on the edge before she could reply. Susie flipped on her bedside lamp, took one look at his haggard expression and demanded, “What’s happened? Is it Mom or Dad? Luke?”
His lips curved slightly. “Everybody except you is just fine.”
“Well, I’m going to be fine, too,” she said. “Now, tell me what’s wrong. You look as if you’ve lost your best friend.”
He gave her a wry look. “Leave it to you to nail it on the first guess.”
Susie tried to recall who the love of her brother’s life had been last week, or the week before, for that matter. Matthew changed girlfriends as frequently as he did shirts. She’d always thought he was trying to model himself after Mack.
Eventually she gave up and asked, “Which one was it this time?”
He shifted uncomfortably. “I can’t really say.”
“That’s going to make the conversation a little tricky, don’t you think? I need details if I’m going to help.”
“We’ve kind of been flying under the radar. It’s probably better to keep it that way.”
“Is this someone I know?”
“Sorry. I can’t say.”
“Which means it is,” she concluded. “Why were the two of you keeping it a secret?”
“It seemed wise, that’s all. Under the circumstances, I guess she was right about that.”
“Is it over, then?”
“She says it is,” he said, his expression miserable. “What happened?”
“Tha
t’s the hell of it,” he said heatedly. “I have no idea. One minute everything was fine. Better than fine, in fact. The next it was ‘Thanks for a good time. See you later, pal.’”
“I see.”
“Do you think it was only about the sex for her?” he asked, sounding like a lost kid rather than the relatively sheltered but otherwise fairly experienced twenty-six-year-old man he was. “I mean, I know guys are supposed to always be about the sex, but I didn’t think it was like that for women.”
She gave him a rueful look. “I’m probably not the best person to ask about this. Mack was always the one for me. I didn’t date a lot, and my sexual escapades could be counted on one hand.” She touched his arm. “Do you really care about this woman, or is your ego just bruised?”
Heat flared in his eyes. “I was falling in love with her,” he replied. “I told her I was.”
Ah, Susie thought, maybe he’d set off a panic attack. It usually happened in reverse, with the man running off in a tailspin, but she supposed women could freak out, too.
“Maybe she thought you were getting too serious too quickly.”
“But I’ve known her, like, forever.”
“And were dating her for how long?”
“A couple of months, I guess. It just sort of happened, you know? We got together a few times for drinks, then things changed, and we got together, if you know what I mean.”
Susie managed to contain a smile. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I think you’re talking to the wrong person, though. You need to be having this conversation with her. If she means that much to you, sit down and talk it out. Find out what’s really going on in her head.”
“I guess that makes sense,” he said, though with obvious reluctance.
“I know men hate to have these deep, emotional conversations, but it’s the only way to clear the air and try to get your signals straight.”
Beach Lane Page 16
