He sits on the stool, balances his guitar on his knee and adjusts the strap. He grips the mike and greets the crowd. “It’s good to be here with you.”
Shouts and whistles erupt from the audience. Jason strums his guitar and begins to sing…
His eyes are closed, and his throaty voice sounds sweet and passionate. His guitar playing is flawless. As he plays, the tendons in his tattooed forearms flex and release. I notice all of this in seconds. My eyes are hungry to drink in the details of this moment. As he approaches the chorus, the entire bar sings along and a huge grin spreads across my face. I join them. Lydia sings and pumps her fist in the air. Ben holds Alana’s hand and leans back in his chair, bobbing his head.
Jason has the entire place in the palm of his hand. I can’t take my eyes off of him. He’s confident, maybe a little bit cocky, but for some reason it’s endearing to me and not obnoxious. As he continues to play, he looks out into the audience, and his gaze locks with mine. My ears get hot. I blush, smile, and look down at my drink. I take another swig of my beer and I see Skye and her crew winding their way up to the front.
She and her gaggle of girlfriends move right in front of the stage, obscuring my view of Jason. They start dancing with each other and I cringe at their attempt to look sexy. I finish my current beer and start another one. No one else seems to be as annoyed with Skye’s presence as I am. I stand and prepare to walk over to the bar.
“Refills.” I mouth at Lydia and she nods.
I watch the next few songs from the bar while I wait for Alexa to refill our bucket. Some of the songs I know and some I don’t, but they’re all beautiful in Jason’s voice. I begin to sweat a little. It’s warm in the bar, but I think my heat has more to do with the captivating guitar player ruling the stage right now.
Skye continues to dance, and her friends keep passing her shots. She looks sloppier by the minute. As Jason finishes the song, she and her friends make their way to the bathroom. Once she’s out of sight, I head back to the table with the bucket of beer and sit down. Three of the beers are instantly removed by Ben, Alana and Lydia.
“Hey, are you having fun? Isn’t this place great?” Lydia asks.
“Yeah. I’m having a great time. Your brother is really good.”
Jason readjusts his sitting position and runs his fingers through his hair. “This one is for someone very special.”
I look at Lydia and her smile fades a bit. Jason’s voice gets soft and he plays gently…
The words are beautiful, and I recognize the song, but something is off. Instead of confident, Jason looks bereaved—tortured. Some deep wound in his heart is revealed as he sings. The agony in his voice penetrates the whole room. Lydia’s eyes are tearing. She has a soft look on her face. I feel a twinge in my heart as I listen. The grief pouring out of him reminds me of the pain I felt when my dad died. The song ends, and there is hesitant applause from the crowd. Jason stands and leaves the stage.
Lydia slides a finger under her eye to remove any mascara that may have smudged. She sighs. “Ah, my poor, sweet brother. I’m going out for some air. Anyone want to come?”
“I’ll go,” Ben says.
Alana stands to join them. Just then, one of Skye’s friends rushes up to us and speaks to Alana. “Skye’s puking in the bathroom. Can you give us a hand?”
Alana rolls her eyes and goes to help.
“You coming with?” Lydia asks.
I want some air too, but I also feel as if I need a minute alone. “No, I’m good, thanks. See you in a minute?”
“Okay.”
As they head out the front of the bar, I grab my bag and look for another way out. There’s an emergency exit near the bathroom. I push open the door, and find myself standing in an alley on the side of the building. The cool night air feels good on my face. There’s a streetlight overhead, and little moths are flying around it. I light a cigarette and take a long pull, enjoying the way the smoke relaxes me. I look to my left and see someone leaning against the brick wall. He has no shirt on and his fists are balled up and pressing against his eyes.
It’s Jason. I don’t want to intrude. I’m sure he came out here to be alone so I turn to go back inside, only to find that the emergency door has no handle. My feet scrape on the ground.
“Claire?”
“Yeah. Uh sorry. I was just having a cigarette. I didn’t mean to bother you.”
“You’re not a bother. Can I bum one from you? I left mine inside.”
I walk out of the light and into the shadow where Jason stands, and hand him a cigarette. It’s disarming to see this man, who was so sure of himself before, so vulnerable now. He’s not wearing a shirt, and although I feel bad for him right now, I can’t help but stare at his perfect chest. I take a drag of my cigarette.
“You were really good. I liked hearing you play.”
“Thanks. Sorry I got emotional up there. It’s a little embarrassing.”
“Oh, don’t be embarrassed.” I shake my head trying to make light of it.
“Sometimes, when I play I get overwhelmed. When I think about my mother, I just…I feel so much regret. She suffered so much…you wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re wrong. I do understand.”
He darts his eyes to mine, asking me an unspoken question. His expression becomes soft with understanding. “Did you lose someone?”
“Yeah. My daddy was killed when I was twelve. He was a marine. He died in combat.”
I feel the familiar lump rise in my throat.
Jason takes a sharp breath in, flicks his cigarette away and takes a step toward me. The intensity of his eye contact makes me apprehensive. I never talk about my daddy with anyone. I look down at my feet and Jason gently grabs and holds my wrist. The top of my head only reaches the base of his neck. I stare at his fresh tattoo. It’s black, white, and gray. It’s a Lilly with script around it. I can barely read it in the dim light but looking closer I see it says, ‘Never let go’.
“The tattoo. It’s for your mother?” I whisper.
Jason nods and leans down toward me. He presses his forehead against mine. The only sound is our breathing. I feel our pain in my chest. My heart is ripping open, and I want to comfort him and hold him and kiss him. I tilt my head back and look into Jason’s eyes. The current running between us is palpable. I part my lips and press them to his. The kiss is shy and tentative. His lips are so soft…they taste like beer and peppermint, and they’re warm and strong against mine. I realize how brazen I’m being and pull away. As I move back, Jason’s grip on me tightens and he places his hand on the small of my back so I can’t step away.
I smile and kiss him again. This time he presses my body to his and work his lips over mine, at first gentle and then rough. He lets go of my wrist and I’m free to touch his body. I place one hand over his heart and the other reaches up to touch his hair. He moans, grips my neck, and tilts my chin up with his thumb. The kiss becomes more desperate, more filled with desire—and warmth spreads through my body. He backs up against the wall and begins to kiss my neck. He tangles his hands in my hair.
I take this opportunity to breathe, but he kisses me again as he slides his hand down to my ass. I wrap one leg around his, craving more contact, wanting to ease the ache I’m feeling. He gets hard as my body rubs against his. He moans as I grind up against him and kisses me harder. I move my mouth to his shoulder and nibble at his flesh. I’ve never felt more aroused or been this forward. I feel as though could kiss him every day and never tire of the way our mouths and bodies fit together. His grip tightens, and I know he must be feeling it too.
“You’re so beautiful. You feel so good.” He knots his fingers in my hair and kisses me again.
Just then, I hear the worst possible sound. The emergency door opens and Ben is standing there.
Jason and I break away from our kiss and all the blood rushes to my cheeks.
“Uh…whoops. Shit. Uh, Jay? Skye’s puking and Alana wants me to drive them back to their apa
rtment. Claire, Lydia told me to ask you if you want a ride.”
“Yeah, yes. Thanks.”
“I’ll be out front,” Ben says.
Thankfully, he puts the doorstop down, so Jason and I will be able to re-enter the building the way we came out. The reality of what I’ve just done sinks in. I made out with a guy I just met, behind a bar, while his girlfriend is in the bathroom puking. I look up at him, expecting to see that pained expression in his eyes again, this time from regret over what we’ve just done—but it’s not there.
He’s pressing his fingers to his lips and underneath them is a sexy grin. I know he was as turned on as I was because I felt it, but this is wrong. I’m not this kind of girl. I don’t kiss boys I just met and I’m not a boyfriend stealer.
“I’m sorry I did that,” I stammer, pulling away. “I didn’t mean to kiss you. I mean, I shouldn’t have done that. You have a girlfriend. I can’t believe I just did that. I’m so sorry.”
His face falls and his hand drops to his side. “Wait, Claire. Wait a minute…”
“I’m sorry!” I turn and run back into the bar.
I shuffle through the crowd and out the front door. I climb into the front of Alana’s jeep, and
when I look in the backseat I see her holding Skye’s head in her lap, her blonde hair splayed everywhere. Skye groans and Alana rolls her eyes at me.
* * * *
After we drop them off, it’s just me and Ben. I feel the awkward silence and I want to say something, but I don’t know what. Ben speaks first.
“Listen, I’m not gonna say anything about what I saw. I’m not sure why Jason’s even with Skye. I don’t think he really likes her. It’s not my business, and I’m not getting involved in this.”
“Okay, thanks. I feel awful.”
“Do not feel bad, Claire. I don’t condone cheating or anything, but I’ve known Jason for years, and I’ve never seen him look at a girl the way he looked at you tonight.”
I don’t really know what to say. I’m flattered, overwhelmed and embarrassed all at the same time. I thank Ben for the ride and he drops me at my apartment. Lydia is still out with Kat, and I change, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed. As soon as I close my eyes, I see Jason’s beautiful face and my mind picks up where our bodies left off…
My hands are pressed up against a brick wall. Jason is behind me, pressing his body into mine. One of his hands is cupping my breast under my shirt; the other is shoved into the front of my unbuttoned jeans…
I open my eyes. I’m tangled in my sheets and sweating. I look over and see Lydia peeking through the door.
“You okay, Claire? Did you have a bad dream?”
“No, I’m fine. I’m okay, thanks.”
I roll over and sigh. It definitely was not a bad dream. I lie still for a moment trying to recover, then sit up in bed and look out the window.
It’s morning. Streams of rain run down the glass. As I watch the rain fall, I think about last night. I don’t know what came over me. Seeing Jason for the first time…feeling that connection…
He said I was beautiful, twice. He bought me a drink, we had eye sex, and we made out. And it wasn’t like a little kiss, it was truly intense. I would have let him rip my clothes off if we hadn’t been interrupted. I’ve never wanted a guy like that before. I’ve never met anyone like Jason before. I’ve never experienced that level of desire. My body gets hot remembering how he smelled, how he tasted, what he said—but it wasn’t just a physical connection. We revealed our pain to each other. It was so intimate…
I have to try to get this guy out of my head. I can’t let myself behave like that again.
I decide to go to the YMCA and have a swim in the pool. I throw my things in my gym bag, and dress in track pants and a hoodie. I slip on my new yellow rain boots and grab my umbrella.
The streets are busy with people commuting to work. The rain is light, but steady. I walk to the Southside following the directions Lydia gave me to the Y.
I walk past the weight room and treadmills to the pool. Inside, I go to the locker room and change into my racer-back one piece, lock my things up, and grab a towel. I find two other people at the pool, one blonde girl drying off, and a very fit guy with a swim cap on. I step down the ladder, wet my cap and force my hair into it. As soon as swim I feel better. I take about twenty laps and the muscles in my shoulders and legs work as the water rushes around me. Everything fades away.
When I get out of the pool, the fit guy is drying off. We make eye contact, and he smiles. I smile back, then head out of the pool back toward the locker room and past the treadmills. I think I recognize someone, but that’s impossible. Only it’s not. The shirtless guy running on the treadmill who has caught my eye is Jason. I don’t want him to see me, but I can’t look away. His face is red from the pace of his running and he glimmers with a sheen of sweat. He has his ear-buds in, and when I see his tattoo-covered chest my mind flashes to last night…his body pressing into me, his mouth on mine…
He sees me. He blinks as if his eyes are playing tricks on him, and begins to slow the treadmill down. In a panic, I turn and half run out of the gym. I don’t bother opening my umbrella as I hurry down the sidewalk.
When I reach my building, I turn around to face him—only he’s not there. He didn’t follow me. I feel relieved and disappointed, all in the same moment.
Upstairs, Kat is alone listening to some soft music and sketching in a notebook. “Hey, Claire,” she calls, “You want to come get some coffee?”
“Yeah, that sounds great. I just need to shower really fast.”
“Okay, take your time.” She turns her attention back to her work.
I was hoping the swim would calm me down, and it did, until I saw Jason. I wish I hadn’t run away. I should talk to him about what happened, but I’m far too nervous. I can’t trust myself around him. After dressing, I slip on my trusty, ugly, yellow rain boots. Kat has a purple pair that are slightly less dorky than my bright yellow ones, but really no one looks good in these things. I miss my flip flops.
We head over to the café and chat about Jason’s show last night, but I don’t share how he and I went at each other like lust driven fiends outside the bar. Kat has a really chilled out vibe to her, and being with her is helping calm my internal frenzy. There’s a long line wrapped around the tables in the center of the café. People my age are working behind the counter, which reminds me I need to get a job. I vow to make a serious effort before this weekend.
The café is painted red with an exposed brick wall, and there are several large windows facing out onto the street. Paintings, which appear to have been done by local artists, decorate the room. Kat and I pass the time by people watching. I feel the earth stop when I recognize a couple sitting by the far window. It’s Jason and Skye.
He’s still wearing his gym clothes, and she has sunglasses on in spite of the rainy weather. Her arms are folded across her chest and she looks pissed. Jason is talking with her, and he looks annoyed as well. I’m tempted to run out of the café, but I can’t keep doing that. I need to deal with whatever comes.
Finally, we arrive at the counter. Kat orders a cappuccino and a cranberry muffin, and I order a mocha and a chocolate croissant. We find an empty table across the room from Jason and Skye. I chat with Kat about her family and mine, half listening, half looking toward Jason and Skye. I distract myself with immediate details—the food I’m eating is sweet and good—the café feels cozy with the rain falling outside…
Skye raises her voice, but I can’t make out what she said. She pushes her chair away from the table, grabs her bag, and leaves. Jason places his head in both hands, looking down at the table. He stands to leave also, and I put my hood up in a feeble attempt to hide myself. For once, the gods have mercy on me. He doesn’t stop to look around. He walks straight out, slouched over, with his hands in his pockets. I see him go out into the rain and walk toward his apartment.
Kat shakes her head and laughs at his display.
“That dude may be my brother-in-law one day. What a fucking mess.”
We finish our breakfast and I say goodbye as she heads home. Back at my apartment, I text Lydia.
Hey, hope u had fun last nite! What are you up to after work?
I sit down at my desk to set up my laptop, and she texts me back.
Yeah it was great! Dinner and a movie at my brother’s tonight?
Going to Jason’s home while trying to stay away from him is a terrible idea, but I want to hang out with Lydia.
Who’s gonna be there?
Kat, Ben, and Alana.
She doesn’t mention Jason or Skye. I have bittersweet feelings knowing I won’t see him, but it’s for the best. I check my email and there are several from my mom, one from Aunt Louise, and one from my old friend Vera. I reply to them all with pleasantries about my new life in the city. After that’s done I start to feel like myself again. I unpack some more of my clothes, organize my tiny closet, and lie down on the bed to relax and read for a bit. When I look at the clock again, it’s six.
I text Lydia again.
I’ll be ready in 20
Lydia replies to my text fifteen minutes later.
I’m here already, makin’ veggie lasagna—sent Jason to pick you up, don’t want you to walk in the rain—XO
I grab my bag and my umbrella and head downstairs. My stomach is in knots. I light a cigarette and wait. The rain is just a drizzle now. My hair is getting too frizzy. I re-apply lip gloss. My eyes flash to every car that drives down the block. It’s been ten minutes. I start stomping my feet in the nearest puddle, out of frustration and boredom, and then I see a black car speeding down the block. It’s Jason’s Charger. His tires screech as he stops at the curb. I take a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm myself. I exhale, and open the door. When I slide into the seat, I’m immediately hit with his scent.
A Flawed Heart Page 3
