Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2)

by Ziegler, S. L.

  That I’ve learned.

  I turn my head away from him, and let the thoughts roll off. It’s too close for us to be. Too close for my heart—my mind—to take or process. James lays a hand gently on my stomach, rubbing little circles on it, but I just shove him away, roll over in the corner of the bed to the farthest spot I can to escape him without leaving the room. I need to deal with my problems on my own.

  I want to run, hide in a corner far away, and not be strong, but I swallow that thought deep down. That’s not why I left in the first place—in fact, it is the complete opposite.

  I wanted to find myself, and if that meant putting on a brave face when I feel I can’t go on anymore, I will. I’ll do it all if it means to one day look back at this and know I learned and experienced more than only agony.

  If that means fighting through every single memory, I will, because no one else deserves to write the end to my story.

  Except me.

  This second chance I was given isn’t about James. It isn’t about Reed, either. Nor Bennett or Krystal. It’s not about anything but having a life. A real, fulfilled life. It’s about living with the one you have. My mother once told me to listen to my heart not my head to be able to live, however, this time it’s my brain I will listen to, to get the ball rolling.

  My legs ache from my run so I lean against a tree for support, inhaling the fresh, crisp air and watching the trees move with each gust of wind that comes. The sun shines over the hill, giving me a taste of colors I never knew outside of a crayon box. Last night’s rain is still fresh on the ground, and it reminds me that each day is a brand new start.

  It’s peaceful, open, and clear.

  If I knew how to paint this view, I would in a heartbeat. A picture captured from my phone will never do it justice. So I always just stare, mentally reminding myself of each speck of color, each sound the leaves make, each feeling it gives me.

  I must remember.

  I need no music out here, only the beat of my heart to keep me going further, and the three weeks we have been on the hillside, it has given me a new love for mornings I never had. It’s the place where I can pretend that guards aren’t walking around protecting the former president. But they are always there, always looking around, giving me the security I need to feel safe in a place so foreign.

  I stand on my tiptoes, pick a mango from the tree, and sit in the shadows the tree provides. I take one bite, and the stillness of the morning is interrupted as James sits down next to me, so close our knees touch.

  “This is where you have been going before I wake up?”

  “Sure is. Did his infection look better this morning?” I question.

  “It did. I never saw that one coming, but I guess that’s what happens when you have a stubborn patient and he refuses to take antibiotics.”

  We should have been home a week ago, but the damn guy has too much pride to listen to anyone telling him what to do. “When do you think we will be leaving?” I take another bite before handing it over to James.

  “Not for a while. Gus wants us here for a couple more weeks to make sure no more complications happen. Roberto’s flying in to deal with his clients in the city, so there’s no rush. Why, Hadley, do you want to leave this place soon?” he asks, taking a huge bite of the mango, nearly finishing it off.

  “No, I like it here. Like love it here. It’s just what I need, I was scared it was going to seem like we were hostages with the amount of security but that’s not the way it is. And they don’t look at me like I have three heads when I administer the drugs.”

  “That may have something to do with me. The background checks came back a little late and I swore if you touched anything for yourself, it would be on my name.”

  “Thanks, James. But you didn’t have to do that. I’m not going to let you down. Or myself down. Promise.” I don’t want to. The high they give is not worth it.

  “I know, Hadley. Now what were you saying about this place?”

  All conversation of my past drug use, James always veers the topic to another thing, like the mere mention of it will cause me to go search for the nearest high. “The city is great, but don’t get me wrong. Here is one of a kind. This is what I thought it would be like when you said Columbia—I mean minus not having the cocaine plants, which seems disappointing,” I giggle out. “Even with him being shot, I’m glad we got to come. Unanswered prayer thing. Plus, I don’t have to think too much here, not about anybody.”

  James reaches for my hand and wraps his fingers around it, but I pull it from his grasp. “You can think about it. Reed and Bennett both were big parts of your life,” he says, picking the grass around him and throwing it in the wind. I know somehow deep down he’s not just talking about me.

  “I don’t want to, that’s what’s good about this. Reed is so far away, I don’t feel like checking my email, no phone calls—nothing. Why don’t we just move here?” I lay my head down on his shoulder, pretending moving here could be a true possibility, and forget about the phone hidden away in the city, which probably has zero charge left on it, that isn’t waiting for me.

  “I don’t think your family would like that much. Matt called me this morning having a coronary. He was worried you were kidnapped, since you haven’t answered any of his calls the last couple of days.”

  “I’ll call him when I return to the house, but for now, can we just pretend no one else exists but us and just enjoy this spectacular view? Because this is some mental picture I don’t ever want to forget.” And for the first time, I don’t flinch when he leans down and kisses the top of my head before placing his head on top of mine.

  For so long, I wanted to drift back to the part when my life—when love—was easy and a question mark for what my future holds wasn’t the only thing I saw. But now I’m good with the questions, good with the maybes and even better not having any of the answers because through my wandering and floating around the world, I’m discovering the things I want out of my life.

  It’s time to forge on, to move to bigger things, to take a giant leap to what’s on the other side–waiting for me to conquer.

  Because I will conquer.

  “Hadley, sweet child, I have your dinner for you. I cooked you some hotdogs with some homemade ketchup and of course some of the soup I wanted you to try,” Martha, the head housemaid, says as she lays my plate for dinner in front of me. She’s the only house member I can actually hold a longer conversation with because her English is almost perfect.

  “Thanks, it looks really good. Should I wait for James?”

  She throws her towel over her shoulder, before going to stir some of the soup. “He went to go check on Senior Pelaz. I will make his food when he gets back. Now try the hot dog. I had the butcher make it just this morning for you.”

  I take a big bite and moan. Martha makes the best food I have ever eaten and this dog is the best ever, puts New York to shame. “Oh, Martha, can you come back with us and be my cook?”

  “Oh, no, Hadley, I’ve been working for the Pelaz family for too long to leave. Did you like my juice I set out for you this morning?” Her eyes shine with love, talking about her boss.

  “I certainly did. It was the best one yet, but you should at least consider visiting me when we get back to the city. It would save me a bundle on the vendors,” I joke. I know she would never leave here. She thinks of him as a son, and she’s loyal to a fault.

  “Do you know the story about the trees in the city?”

  “No, I found it odd in a city that big, there were so many, but I didn’t give it much thought.”

  “When my children were little, we lived not too far away from here and the cartel pushed us out toward the city. It caused a lot of us to leave with nothing but the clothes on our backs and he”—she points in the big house—“felt for us. People were starving all over so he planted the trees. The people could always eat, have something to sell to those above us. He changed many people’s lives doing that.”

  Lo
st in her story, my phone rings a few times, interrupting her. Courtney’s name and picture flash across the screen. I’ve been an awful friend to her since we came to the hillside. My conversations with her are few and far between because she always brings up things I don’t want to talk about.

  “Hadley, you can’t—how do you say…oh, si, avoid her forever. She only worry more for you.” Martha places her small hand on my shoulder and her face wrinkles up, showing her true age, a trophy for her life lessons she’s lived through.

  “I’m not avoiding her at all. You guys don’t get good cell service around here,” I say, defending myself.

  Her mouth curves in a small grin. “No, dear, we do,” Martha says sternly, eyeing my phone, prompting me to answer it.

  She wins. I swipe the green button. “Hey, girl.”

  “Oh, dear lord, you answered. I thought I needed to send out a search party for you. Only I didn’t have a clue where there actually is, so I didn’t know where to actually send them. You don’t call, you don’t write, you don’t answer.” She screams in my ear. No one knows where I’m at except Matt. It’s not that I don’t trust Courtney. I do with my life, but I like the idea of not being able to be found. Not to mention she’s got a big mouth and might slip up if Lance questions her. I’m good here without wondering, or having to worry, who will come show their face.

  “Sorry, we just got to some place new. Cell reception has been choppy. What’s up with you and the baby?” If I mention her baby I know all other thoughts of ripping into me will be forgotten.

  “Oh, Hads! We had our gender-reveal party last night. Wish you were here for that. It was so much fun even with me not drinking, but you weren’t there, so we move on. It’s a girl!” I hold the phone away from my ear as she shouts it. I can see it play out in front of me, her dancing and jumping around when she found out. I smile at the thought.

  “Aw, Court, that’s great. Do you have a name yet?”

  “Duh, it’s Gracie Lee. And I want to ask you something.” Of course she had a name picked out. Probably did the day after she found out she was pregnant, and she held out telling anyone until she found out for sure.

  “I love it. And ask away.” I hold my breath because if she asks me to come back, I’m faking a bad connection and hanging up without a second thought.

  “Will you be her godmother, pretty please?”

  Not even hesitating, I say, “I would be honored.”

  She gets quiet on the other line. “Great, now for the part I’m sure you will hate. Reed is the godfather.” She whispers out the last four words, but no use, I heard her words loud and clear.

  “Okay.” I’ll have to see him eventually. It’s going to happen, but thank God not any time soon. Yet even knowing I’ll have to face him, have to be around him from time to time, even before I might be truly ready for it, it still wouldn’t stop me from taking on such a precious title.

  “You aren’t going to fight me about it?” she questions.

  “It’s yours and Lance’s baby, Court. This decision is yours and yours alone. I won’t say no to being a part of Gracie’s life simply because Reed will also be a part of it. That’s silly.”

  “But that means you will have to see him—you know, have to speak to him and not yell. My baby doesn’t need that around her sweet ears.”

  “I am aware of that one, Courtney. You’re my best friend and he’s Lance’s. When I left, I wasn’t delusional that I wasn’t ever going to see him again. I just don’t want to do that right this instant.” Or anytime soon.

  “But if that’s the case, just come home and I’ll hide you from him.”

  I wish I could say my newfound courage was ready to face him, but it’s not. And acknowledging it is a huge step. Last month I would have lied to everyone—even lied to myself—but I’m far away from being ready to face him.

  “How about this…I’ll come back before Gracie is born, but no promises before that. Is that better?”

  James takes a seat next to me and tries to steal a bite of my hotdog. I swat him away. I try to give him my evil glare, but he only laughs.

  “Well, listen, I have to go. I was eating dinner before you called, and James got back and might eat all of it if I don’t get off. I’ll give you a call later.”

  “You and your food, Hadley. But that’s not why you can’t hide from me. I know you’re just getting off the phone, so I wouldn’t tell you how bad Reed is. How he asks about you every day? How—”

  “Stop, Court.” I interrupt her. “You see him and I get that. But I can’t have you play middleman for us. I’ll give you a call later this week. Love you, girl.”

  “I’m in the middle because you are putting me there. But I love you, too.”

  I hang up with a mumbled goodbye before she says anything else and drop my head down on the table. And wish not for the first time, either, that Reed and I could move past this, not for him or me, but for our friends.

  “No time to worry about her. Hurry up and eat what’s left of your food because we have somewhere to go tonight,” James says as he tries stealing my hotdog—and succeeds this time.

  “I don’t have anything to wear,” I reply with my head still on the table, a slight smile coming over me.

  “You don’t need to get fancy; just wear what you have on. We’re only going to a party down the hill at one of the guard’s house. It should be fun. We need a break from watching shows you make me translate. So stop sulking and get moving.”

  “I don’t ask you to translate every one of them, so you lie. And I’m not sulking, I’m pouting. There’s a difference.”

  “Nope, Hads, there isn’t. Come on, get moving.”

  I peek up at him. “Okay, but if it sucks, will you promise to bring me home?”

  “I doubt it will, but yes, Hadley. I promise.” James smirks before finishing all of my dinner.

  I take a sip of my second and last margarita at Gus’s house. Gus, the guard with zero personality, the one I thought was going to kill me until about an hour ago. Gus, the guard that apparently throws kick-ass house parties. Gus, who actually is a pretty cool guy when he doesn’t look like he wants to gut someone. And Gus, who is almost as American as me.

  “You were born in Vegas and still live there?”

  “I was and I do. I’m a partner in a security company there, and I came here to deal with some shit. The boss liked how I handled myself and that I spoke Spanish. He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, so here I sit.”

  I’m sure if I would mention my family’s company, he would know it, but I like how no one knows me here, no one knows the amount I’m worth. No one knows the things that everyone at home does. So I keep my mouth shut about that. “Did you just quote The Godfather?”

  Gus laughs, a real deep belly laugh, lifting his hands in the air. “Finally, a girl that gets it.”

  I roll my eyes. With this guy, appearances are certainly deceiving. “So, Guster… You got yourself a wife, maybe a pretty girl for you to go home to?”

  And this big man turns beet red. “I’m Guster now—like it. Not even close. My contract here is up in a couple of months, and I need to go home after that or my partner may send someone here to kill me. But I do have someone, although it’s new and she isn’t leaving here ever. So that leaves us kind of stuck in one spot.” He locks eyes with a gorgeous brunette chatting with one of the lawn-care people. And it clicks. That’s Martha’s granddaughter. The daughter that I’m pretty sure is the result of an affair her mother had with some rich bastard she worked with. He turned Martha’s daughter away while she was pregnant, but he still has his grip on his daughter’s every move. At least, from what I gathered from my talks with Martha about it.

  “Good luck with that one.” I pat his knee and sure hope he knows what he’s getting into, because this could end with one hell of an explosion if it doesn’t play out just right.

  “What about you? You and the good doctor have something?” He grins mischievously at me.


  A chuckle threatens to escape but I hold it in. “James and me? Not even close. I had someone back home. I got burned pretty badly, so I came here to gather myself.” I bite my lip as I nod.

  “You mean you ran away?”

  “Oh, dear Guster, I wish it was that simple. But sadly, nope. It’s so much bigger. Like huge, movie-of-the-week shit. This guy was my flipping morning, my noon, and my fucking night all in a nice pretty little package of heartbreak and drama. He was, well is…hell, I don’t have a clue, but I found out he was married and had a kid. The idiot neglected to tell me about both of those things. Those being both important and you kinda shouldn’t hide them from someone you love. And the cake topper to all this, my psycho ex and his ex got together and tried to kill me. It was fun times…let me tell you.”

  Gus’s expression changes. His eyebrow lifts, making it apparent he wants to ask me more, but he drops it as the music changes.

  “Oh, Hadley. I love this song, and that means you must dance with me.” He offers his hand enthusiastically. I just shake my head, but he doesn’t give my no a second thought as he grabs my hand and leads me onto the makeshift dance floor.

  The beat of the music fills my ears and I can’t help but lift my hands above my head and move. I peek over at James and his eyes widen when he spots me having fun. He raises his beer to me, a small proud smile playing on his lips, and that’s all it takes for a laugh to slip from my mouth. A real laugh, which I feel all the way through my body. It courses its way from the bottom of my toes to the roots of my hair. With each chuckle, with each new song and a smile plastered to my shining face, I know this is living—really living.

  Time has passed. I’m healing and some of the weight I have been holding in vanishes. I couldn’t care less about the people around me, about what scars I have rooted in me. The only thing I want is to have fun—to make my own memories, enjoy the crazy journey.

  Gus grabs me by the waist, gathering me into him, and we dance all the way until the sun rises over the hills.