Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2)

by Ziegler, S. L.

  A question hits me, a question I don’t know why I didn’t think about until now. I wonder, since Crotch Rot is in jail, what or where is the baby? Does Reed even know where he or she is? James lets out a sigh, breaking me from the train that crashes in my mind every time I think of her or Bennett or the baby, or all of them.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, it’s just confusing because I’m so glad Gracie is here, really I am. But…”

  “But you wished you could have that.”

  I nod as my eyes start to water. “Why do you always know what I’m thinking?”

  He looks over at me and my eyes lock with his. James places a hand on my cheek. The softness of his palms opposed to Reed’s hard, callused hands feels wrong, but as he swipes away the tears before they even have a chance to fall, I don’t pull away. Not even thinking about moving myself away from his touch.

  “Because I know you,” James says softly, his thumb trailing over my lips, lightly tracing their outline. His eyes drift down to where we are connected.

  “It wasn’t even that, Reed there, holding that baby. Geez, that’s enough for any woman, but put in someone you love and it does crazy things to your insides.”

  I don’t know if it’s my emotions of the day, the yearning of physical contact from another, or hell, the mixture of both, but I inch my face closer to his. His hand never leaves me as he guides me closer. Our lips faintly touch. James makes no movement to go further, but I press our lips harder together. My tongue opens his mouth, calling for his. With each touch between us, with each kiss, I crave to feel something more for him, I hunger for the passion that’s missing for this amazing man, so I try franticly to push more.

  I shift my legs over, straddling him, and I slide my hands around his neck. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me tighter against him. James’s hand drifts under my shirt, his fingers grazing under my bra. I grind my body over his, and it sparks a moan into my mouth.

  I tighten my hold on him as he flips me down on the couch. My hands fly to the hem of his shirt and rip it over his head. His bare chest is exposed, his lean body on display for me. He looks down at me for a split second before he attacks my mouth once more while his hand works the button on my jeans.

  I push my legs deeper into him, yet the neediness I had with Reed just isn’t there. I want the enthusiasm, the desire with James. But it’s not there, and it doesn’t help.

  Nothing happens to me. Nothing burns through me, telling me to go further.

  Everything screams at me to stop, to say no, that if we continue this, our friendship will be different, but those screams aren’t enough to stop. I push the rational thoughts out as I push deeper into him. I want something more from James. I want this kiss to produce things between us so I can just stop loving Reed.

  James feels me check out and breaks his lips away from mine. “Hadley.”

  My name, one word he says out of breath, jolts me back to reality and pours cold water on me. “I’m sorry, JJ. I shouldn’t have done that.” I’m suddenly, completely self-conscious.

  “Not you. I should have stopped it, Hads.” He climbs off me and grabs his shirt from the floor.

  I stare at his bare back, the one that has not a speck of ink on it and feel like I cheated somehow. “I wish it could be you.” And I do. James is perfect.

  “But we both know it’s not for the right reasons.”

  “We would be simple together; it would be safe.” And it would, although it wouldn’t be an all-consuming love. No, it would be the nice, plain, secure love. The type that if they walk away, or lie, or cheat, you come out still whole, your heart intact. It’s safe. The bet you won’t lose anything on because there is really nothing to gain.

  “And maybe if Reed wasn’t here.” He points at my heart. “But he is, and this isn’t right. You would be bored with me because we would be too easy together. You deserve someone that would give you what you need, to show you what you are truly worth, to push you when you fight them, and I’m not that person. I can’t give you that.”

  I curl into his couch, my head collapsing on his back. “I knew I would always love him, but I thought I could get over him. I thought that if I left, I wouldn’t want him anymore. James, my mind is always going, always searching, because it knows that what’s best for me as a whole is completely and hopelessly wrong for my stupid heart,” I say as my tears fall.

  “Hads, love doesn’t work like that. It’s messy. What’s missing in you won’t be found in me.”

  I know love doesn’t work that way, it never does. Loving someone and building a life with them doesn’t always work out. Those plans can fall apart to the ground, and promises can always be broken. You can waste all the time in the world knowing what went wrong, but never ever be able to fix it. And that’s exactly what our love did. Fucking thing sizzled between Reed and me and we both touched it and got burned.

  “Hadley, please have a seat. I’m Graham, as you know. The hospital wants me to evaluate you,” he says, as he takes the chair behind his desk and glances down at his computer screen. I’m sure it says I’m a hopeless case.

  I take a seat down in a plush chair and look around. Children’s paintings hang on the bright-yellow painted walls.

  “Oh, yes, the color isn’t something I would have picked. This is the office of another therapist. I just borrow it during my sessions here,” he states, glancing over at me, but his fingers still type away. “Why don’t we start with some basic questions and then go from there?”

  This man in front of me, dressed more like a hipster, coffee-shop worker than a therapist, is the person to make the decision whether I can return to being a nurse. A job that I worked so hard to have, the job that I love more than anything, is in his hands. That thought is almost as frightening as sharing what happened to me with him.

  “As a reminder, after we are done here, I will send my evaluation to the board for how many sessions I think you need, but that’s all. Everything said in here doesn’t go past this door. I’ll let them know if I feel you can’t stay clean and sober while working, but nothing about the specifics.”

  “I understand,” I say, picking an imaginary hair off my pants.

  “Nothing too heavy today. Let’s start with how you feel now.”

  “Good.”

  “That’s all you are going to give me?” He takes his glasses off, his brows gather together, and stares at me.

  “I’m here, and I’m alive, so yep, going with good.” I adjust my purse on my lap, refusing to look at him.

  “You have to work with me a little more,” Graham urges.

  “I don’t feel like using, and I don’t feel like drinking. I don’t want to lose control, and I like having the stability in my life. That better?” I don’t want to give him more because it isn’t going to give me my job back quicker.

  Graham lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Listen, Hadley, this isn’t my first time. You can’t tell me what I want to hear. I need the truth on it, or this isn’t going to work, and you will be here much longer than you probably need or want to be. Let’s start again, and this time, with very simple questions. Are your parents still together?”

  “They were, but my mother died last year of cancer.”

  “What about siblings?”

  “Two brothers.”

  “Older or younger?”

  “Both are older, Mark by sixteen years and Matt by ten years.”

  “That’s quite an age difference.”

  “I know. I was adopted.”

  “Do you know about your biological parents?”

  “My adoption was closed. All I know about my parents is that they were pretty young for parents.”

  And it goes on for another forty-five minutes. More questions come from him, nothing serious, nothing to do with where things went wrong in my life. But he builds some trust with me. I know because with every answer I give, I feel a little less bitter being here, and I feel a little more
open toward him.

  The clatter of my feet echo through the parking deck as I walk to my car. It’s the same deck I will park three nights a week to meet with Graham, to have a speck of a chance to earn my license back. At the same hospital I once worked at.

  I hit the unlock button on my remote. The glow of a light above gleams right down on a devilishly handsome man sitting on the hood of my car like he owns it. Reed makes this friends thing harder with each passing day, but the sight of him after the meeting inside is just what I need.

  A smile plays on my lips when he looks over my way. “Reed, what are you doing?”

  “Seeing if you wanted to grab some dinner?”

  “With you?”

  Reed looks around. His shoulders pull up in a shrug and a corner of his mouth turns up. “Who else?”

  “No,” plays on the tip of my tongue. This could be a disaster, but as my stomach growls, it answers his question for me.

  “You’re telling me you saved his life?” Reed cocks his head to the side, his gaze questioning me before he takes a big bite of his burger.

  “I didn’t save him, save him. That was James, but I played a hand. It’s all hush-hush down there. So keep your mouth shut. Anyway, that’s how I met Gus.”

  “When I talked to him the other day, he made it seem like his trip was a vacation.”

  “I think for the most part it was, but he definitely did his job there—well, with that, anyway.” My voice strains as I talk about Gus.

  “Did you make up with him?”

  “If you can call it that; we talked it out. He said his point and I said mine.” My feet shuffle under the table thinking about Gus. And him telling me he only told Bash where I was the night of the fight, that he wasn’t the one that did my background check. I’m not sure if I believe him or not, but I asked him for more information about what happened afterward, but he said he wouldn’t tell me. It wasn’t his place to tell. That the story belonged to Reed alone.

  “Can I ask you a question?” He spins his bottle around as he asks.

  “Sure, but it doesn’t mean I won’t give you the runaround,” I tease him, but the truth is in every word.

  He simply nods. “Why aren’t you drinking?” His question is laced with uncertainty.

  “I rarely drink at all now, and if I do, it’s because I want to, not to get trashed, and not just anywhere and never at a bar,” I state simply.

  “Is it because…” Reed trails off. He narrows his eyes.

  “Yes, but it’s not that big of a deal. I just want to know what’s going on around me and have control if I want to leave,” I say, taking the napkin off my lap and wiping my face.

  “Are you going to stay with Matt any longer?”

  “No way. He is some love-sick boy now. I’m actually looking for an apartment to rent tomorrow.”

  “Payback.” Reed laughs.

  “Right? This girl must be made of platinum, because I’ve never seen him so wrapped up in anyone but himself.”

  Reed raises his eyes and snorts, choking on his food.

  “God, are you okay?” I question him.

  He nods, muttering something about pussy.

  “What did you say?”

  “Um, nothing important. Well, he must be in love then,” he says, taking a huge gulp of his beer.

  “You aren’t getting that over on me, Reed Collins. What did you mean about pussy?”

  He sighs and a smile tugs on his lips. “When that pussy is platinum, nothing is the same, so it must be love. I mean it was for me…with you.”

  My eyes bug out so big and I’m laughing so hard, my belly hurts. “Well, okay then… The girl has kids, so he better not mess with her. That’s enough about him after that. When does your camp start for the next fight?”

  “Next week. I’m here for most of it, but Daily needs me in Vegas to get some new type of training there, so not sure when that will happen.”

  “Wow, that break didn’t last long, did it?”

  “You’re telling me. What time are you going apartment hunting tomorrow?”

  “I’m leaving Matt’s at nine-thirty, I have my first appointment at a place at ten.”

  After last night eating, talking, even laughing with Hadley, it was a fucking step in the right direction, and when she said she was looking for an apartment, a damn idea blew up in my mind. I knew Matt was at work, Courtney was busy with Gracie, and Mark wouldn’t help her for anything. I knew she would be by herself, and I was going to change that shit.

  She wants friendship, then I’ll be the best fucking friend she could have. I’ll glue myself to her damn sexy-ass hip if I have to. Even if that means me going to look at places when all I want to do is pack her shit up and take her to mine and lock her in our bedroom until she gives in to me. But it’s not what she wants. I could see it when she talked last night. She needs the space. Her own space. And I’ll give it to her.

  Hads’s love still showed in her eyes for me. I don’t have to question that, but she has that friendship wall up, a fucking cement wall so damn high up, but I get it. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish that we could skip over all the bullshit and get to the fun part, but that’ll come because I’ll have no other option stand between us.

  My head whips around, double checking for any sight of Matt’s car as I step out of my car. Me beating him up this early in the morning isn’t going to help matters, and won’t make me look any better in Hads’s eyes; that’s a situation I don’t want to lose.

  I press the bell, turn my back, and wait, trying my damn hardest to act as nonchalantly as I can, but I know the moment she opens that door, she’ll see through me. She always does—well, I guess did. Time will tell on that one.

  Hads pops open the door, and the sight of her standing there in a plain, white t-shirt, holey jeans, and her old black chucks proudly on her damn feet has me holding onto the pillar from shock. My old girl is coming back to me slowly, but she’s getting there. If her hair was back to blonde, I swear it would be like the first damn date I picked her up for.

  “What are you doing here?” She suspects my intentions; it’s written all over her body language, and understandably so.

  “I figured you wouldn’t want to be by yourself, so I’m your company and ride. Plus side, I can see if everything is working right at the place you choose.” Yep no lies out of my mouth, but I’m leaving one key thing out. Figure if I tell her I want to glue myself to her, it would put me on the freak list quicker than she can blink.

  Hads pauses a couple of seconds, studying me, and damn, I feel each one of those fuckers. She edges closer to the door and nods. “Um, yeah, that will be nice. Come in for a second. I have to get some stuff.”

  I’m not even one step in when Lucy comes barreling down the stairs then rubs her head on the tip of my boot. Handing her over months ago was like losing Hadley all over again for Loki. He would only come out of my room to go to the bathroom, and the rest of the time, he lay in his damn bed with one of Lucy’s cat toys near his head. I think he was just as mad at me as I was at myself, and when he finally did come around, his ass ran me ragged for the first couple of weeks.

  “Some things don’t change,” Hadley says, chuckling at Lucy as she attacks me.

  “You ready?”

  “Yep, let’s get this over with. I need to find a place pronto. When I got home last night, Matt was drunk-dialing Stephanie over and over, and when she turned off her phone, he came in my room whining about our family’s curse—he swears it’s real.”

  “What curse?”

  “Oh, just something he made up because he’s heartbroken.”

  “Miserable SOB.”

  “Or miserable me,” she says, locking the door then walking to my car. My Chevelle—our Chevelle. If I was going to be her ride today, I’m doing it so she remembers everything.

  I rush in front and open the door for her before she gets the chance to touch the damn handle. Hads bends down, getting in, and I can’t help my gaze landing on her
fucking perfect ass as she leans over the center console to open mine from the inside. And I just stare more before she looks up, a big smile on her face.

  Her eyes widen, but that smile is still on Hads’s face. She isn’t mad that I was ogling.

  This fucking girl. I love her so fucking much it grips me.

  “Where first?” I ask, finally getting in the car.

  She doesn’t answer, just takes my phone from me and types the address into my direction app like she did so many times before. Never once does she mention this damn car, but because of the freeness she’s giving me, I know I picked the right one to take her in today.

  These are the memories I loved between us, when we were normal, when I didn’t hide shit from her, when I didn’t feel like I had to handle us with kid fucking gloves. I guess the friend thing she is talking about has its advantages now—not that I will admit that to her in a million fucking years.

  I slam the door, trying to get it to close right, but it’s not budging. The wood is so uneven I don’t think it ever did.

  “Why are you even looking at any of these, Hadley? You have the money. Why the fuck would you want these kind of places?” I demand.

  This is the fourth place we stepped into, and each of them look shittier than the next. First one had stains all over the carpet. Second one smelled like someone died and they left the body in it until about five minutes before we got there. Third one, well, let’s say a present was left in the toilet, but this one looks like all those shit holes combined, and then some.

  “I’m not sure if I’m going to stay here—as in Atlanta—too long, so these are the only ones that do leases in three months’ time without paying an arm and leg for it. It would be crazy to throw money away like that.”