"Why, you insolent marsupial!" retorted the bear in a rage; "you expect my oil to give you hair upon your tail, when it will not give me even a tail. Why don't you try under-draining, or top-dressing with light compost?"
They said and did a good deal more before the opossum withdrew his cold and barren member from consideration; but the judicious fabulist does not encumber his tale with extraneous matter, lest it be pointless.
CXXII.
"So disreputable a lot as you are I never saw!" said a sleepy rat to the casks in a wine-cellar. "Always making night hideous with your hoops and hollows, and disfiguring the day with your bunged-up appearance. There is no sleeping when once the wine has got into your heads. I'll report you to the butler!"
"The sneaking tale-bearer," said the casks. "Let us beat him with our staves."
"Requiescat in pace," muttered a learned cobweb, sententiously.
"Requires a cat in the place, does it?" shrieked the rat. "Then I'm off!"
To explain all the wisdom imparted by this fable would require the pen of a pig, and volumes of smoke.
CXXIII.
A giraffe having trodden upon the tail of a poodle, that animal flew into a blind rage, and wrestled valorously with the invading foot.
"Hullo, sonny!" said the giraffe, looking down, "what are you doing there?"
"I am fighting!" was the proud reply; "but I don't know that it is any of your business."
"Oh, I have no desire to mix in," said the good-natured giraffe. "I never take sides in terrestrial strife. Still, as that is my foot, I think-"
"Eh!" cried the poodle, backing some distance away and gazing upward, shading his eyes with his paw. "You don't mean to say-by Jove it's a fact! Well, that beats me! A beast of such enormous length-such preposterous duration, as it were-I wouldn't have believed it! Of course I can't quarrel with a non-resident; but why don't you have a local agent on the ground?"
The reply was probably the wisest ever made; but it has not descended to this generation. It had so very far to descend.
CXXIV.
A dog having got upon the scent of a deer which a hunter had been dragging home, set off with extraordinary zeal. After measuring off a few leagues, he paused.
"My running gear is all right," said he; "but I seem to have lost my voice."
Suddenly his ear was assailed by a succession of eager barks, as of another dog in pursuit of him. It then began to dawn upon him that he was a particularly rapid dog: instead of having lost his voice, his voice had lost him, and was just now arriving. Full of his discovery, he sought his master, and struck for better food and more comfortable housing.
"Why, you miserable example of perverted powers!" said his master; "I never intended you for the chase, but for the road. You are to be a draught-dog-to pull baby about in a cart. You will perceive that speed is an objection. Sir, you must be toned down; you will be at once assigned to a house with modern conveniences, and will dine at a French restaurant. If that system do not reduce your own, I'm an 'Ebrew Jew!"
The journals next morning had racy and appetizing accounts of a canine suicide.
CXXV.
A gosling, who had not yet begun to blanch, was accosted by a chicken just out of the shell:
"Whither away so fast, fair maid?" inquired the chick.
"Wither away yourself," was the contemptuous reply; "you are already in the sere and yellow leaf; while I seem to have a green old age before me."
CXXVI.
A famishing traveller who had run down a salamander, made a fire, and laid him alive upon the hot coals to cook. Wearied with the pursuit which had preceded his capture, the animal at once composed himself, and fell into a refreshing sleep. At the end of a half-hour, the man, stirred him with a stick, remarking:
"I say!-wake up and begin toasting, will you? How long do you mean to keep dinner waiting, eh?"
"Oh, I beg you will not wait for me," was the yawning reply. "If you are going to stand upon ceremony, everything will get cold. Besides, I have dined. I wish, by-the-way, you would put on some more fuel; I think we shall have snow."
"Yes," said the man, "the weather is like yourself-raw, and exasperatingly cool. Perhaps this will warm you." And he rolled a ponderous pine log atop of that provoking reptile, who flattened out, and "handed in his checks."
The moral thus doth glibly run-
A cause its opposite may brew;
The sun-shade is unlike the sun,
The plum unlike the plumber, too.
A salamander underdone
His impudence may overdo.
CXXVII.
A humming-bird invited a vulture to dine with her. He accepted, but took the precaution to have an emetic along with him; and immediately after dinner, which consisted mainly of dew, spices, honey, and similar slops, he swallowed his corrective, and tumbled the distasteful viands out. He then went away, and made a good wholesome meal with his friend the ghoul. He has been heard to remark, that the taste for humming-bird fare is "too artificial for him." He says, a simple and natural diet, with agreeable companions, cheerful surroundings, and a struggling moon, is best for the health, and most agreeable to the normal palate.
People with vitiated tastes may derive much profit from this opinion. Crede experto.
CXXVIII.
A certain terrier, of a dogmatic turn, asked a kitten her opinion of rats, demanding a categorical answer. The opinion, as given, did not possess the merit of coinciding with his own; whereupon he fell upon the heretic and bit her-bit her until his teeth were much worn and her body much elongated-bit her good! Having thus vindicated the correctness of his own view, he felt so amiable a satisfaction that he announced his willingness to adopt the opinion of which he had demonstrated the harmlessness. So he begged his enfeebled antagonist to re-state it, which she incautiously did. No sooner, however, had the superior debater heard it for the second time than he resumed his intolerance, and made an end of that unhappy cat.
"Heresy," said he, wiping his mouth, "may be endured in the vigorous and lusty; but in a person lying at the very point of death such hardihood is intolerable."
It is always intolerable.
CXXIX.
A tortoise and an armadillo quarrelled, and agreed to fight it out. Repairing to a secluded valley, they put themselves into hostile array.
"Now come on!" shouted the tortoise, shrinking into the inmost recesses of his shell.
"All right," shrieked the armadillo, coiling up tightly in his coat of mail; "I am ready for you!"
And thus these heroes waged the awful fray from morn till dewy eve, at less than a yard's distance. There has never been anything like it; their endurance was something marvellous! During the night each combatant sneaked silently away; and the historian of the period obscurely alludes to the battle as "the naval engagement of the future."
CXXX.
Two hedgehogs having conceived a dislike to a hare, conspired for his extinction. It was agreed between them that the lighter and more agile of the two should beat him up, surround him, run him into a ditch, and drive him upon the thorns of the more gouty and unwieldy conspirator. It was not a very hopeful scheme, but it was the best they could devise. There was a chance of success if the hare should prove willing, and, gambler-like, they decided to take that chance, instead of trusting to the remote certainty of their victim's death from natural cause. The doomed animal performed his part as well as could be reasonably expected of him: every time the enemy's flying detachment pressed him hard, he fled playfully toward the main body, and lightly vaulted over, about eight feet above the spines. And this prickly blockhead had not the practical sagacity to get upon a wall seven feet and six inches high!
This fable is designed to show that the most desperate chances are comparatively safe.
CXXXI.
A young eel inhabiting the mouth of a river in India, determined to travel. Being a fresh-water eel, he was somewhat restricted in his choice of a route, but he set out with a cheerful heart and
very little luggage. Before he had proceeded very far up-stream he found the current too strong to be overcome without a ruinous consumption of coals. He decided to anchor his tail where it then was, and grow up. For the first hundred miles it was tolerably tedious work, but when he had learned to tame his impatience, he found this method of progress rather pleasant than otherwise. But when he began to be caught at widely separate points by the fishermen of eight or ten different nations, he did not think it so fine.
This fable teaches that when you extend your residence you multiply your experiences. A local eel can know but little of angling.
CXXXII.
Some of the lower animals held a convention to settle for ever the unspeakably important question, What is Life?
"Life," squeaked the poet, blinking and folding his filmy wings, "is-." His kind having been already very numerously heard from upon the subject, he was choked off.
"Life," said the scientist, in a voice smothered by the earth he was throwing up into small hills, "is the harmonious action of heterogeneous but related faculties, operating in accordance with certain natural laws."
"Ah!" chattered the lover, "but that thawt of thing is vewy gweat blith in the thothiety of one'th thweetheart." And curling his tail about a branch, he swung himself heavenward and had a spasm.
"It is vita!" grunted the sententious scholar, pausing in his mastication of a Chaldaic root.
"It is a thistle," brayed the warrior: "very nice thing to take!"
"Life, my friends," croaked the philosopher from his hollow tree, dropping the lids over his cattish eyes, "is a disease. We are all symptoms."
"Pooh!" ejaculated the physician, uncoiling and springing his rattle. "How then does it happen that when we remove the symptoms, the disease is gone?"
"I would give something to know that," replied the philosopher, musingly; "but I suspect that in most cases the inflammation remains, and is intensified."
Draw your own moral inference, "in your own jugs."
CXXXIII.
A heedless boy having flung a pebble in the direction of a basking lizard, that reptile's tail disengaged itself, and flew some distance away. One of the properties of a lizard's camp-follower is to leave the main body at the slightest intimation of danger.
"There goes that vexatious narrative again," exclaimed the lizard, pettishly; "I never had such a tail in my life! Its restless tendency to divorce upon insufficient grounds is enough to harrow the reptilian soul! Now," he continued, backing up to the fugitive part, "perhaps you will be good enough to resume your connection with the parent establishment."
No sooner was the splice effected, than an astronomer passing that way casually remarked to a friend that he had just sighted a comet. Supposing itself menaced, the timorous member again sprang away, coming down plump before the horny nose of a sparrow. Here its career terminated.
We sometimes escape from an imaginary danger, only to find some real persecutor has a little bill against us.
CXXXIV.
A jackal who had pursued a deer all day with unflagging industry, was about to seize him, when an earthquake, which was doing a little civil engineering in that part of the country, opened a broad chasm between him and his prey.
"Now, here," said he, "is a distinct interference with the laws of nature. But if we are to tolerate miracles, there is an end of all progress."
So speaking, he endeavoured to cross the abyss at two jumps. His fate would serve the purpose of an impressive warning if it might be clearly ascertained; but the earth having immediately pinched together again, the research of the moral investigator is baffled.
CXXXV.
"Ah!" sighed a three-legged stool, "if I had only been a quadruped, I should have been happy as the day is long-which, on the twenty-first of June, would be considerable felicity for a stool."
"Ha! look at me!" said a toadstool; "consider my superior privation, and be content with your comparatively happy lot."
"I don't discern," replied the first, "how the contemplation of unipedal misery tends to alleviate tripedal wretchedness."
"You don't, eh!" sneered the toadstool. "You mean, do you, to fly in the face of all the moral and social philosophers?"
"Not unless some benefactor of his race shall impel me."
"H'm! I think Zambri the Parsee is the man for that kindly office, my dear."
This final fable teaches that he is.
BRIEF SEASONS OF INTELLECTUAL DISSIPATION.
I.
FOOL.-I have a question for you.
PHILOSOPHER.-I have a number of them for myself. Do you happen to have heard that a fool can ask more questions in a breath than a philosopher can answer in a life?
F.-I happen to have heard that in such a case the one is as great a fool as the other.
PH.-Then there is no distinction between folly and philosophy?
F.-Don't lay the flattering unction to your soul. The province of folly is to ask unanswerable questions. It is the function of philosophy to answer them.
PH.-Admirable fool!
F.-Am I? Pray tell me the meaning of "a fool."
PH.-Commonly he has none.
F.-I mean-
PH.-Then in this case he has one.
F.-I lick thy boots! But what does Solomon indicate by the word fool? That is what I mean.
PH.-Let us then congratulate Solomon upon the agreement between the views of you two. However, I twig your intent: he means a wicked sinner; and of all forms of folly there is none so great as wicked sinning. For goodness is, in the end, more conducive to personal happiness-which is the sole aim of man.
F.-Hath virtue no better excuse than this?
PH.-Possibly; philosophy is not omniscience.
F.-Instructed I sit at thy feet!
PH.-Unwilling to instruct, I stand on my head.
***
FOOL.-You say personal happiness is the sole aim of man.
PHILOSOPHER.-Then it is.
F.-But this is much disputed.
PH.-There is much personal happiness in disputation.
F.-Socrates-
PH.-Hold! I detest foreigners.
F.-Wisdom, they say, is of no country.
PH.-Of none that I have seen.
***
FOOL.-Let us return to our subject-the sole aim of mankind. Crack me these nuts. (1) The man, never weary of well-doing, who endures a life of privation for the good of his fellow-creatures?
PHILOSOPHER.-Does he feel remorse in so doing? or does the rascal rather like it?
F.-(2) He, then, who, famishing himself, parts his loaf with a beggar?
PH.-There are people who prefer benevolence to bread.
F.-Ah! De gustibus-
PH.-Shut up!
F.-Well, (3) how of him who goes joyfully to martyrdom?
PH.-He goes joyfully.
F.-And yet-
PH.-Did you ever converse with a good man going to the stake?
F.-I never saw a good man going to the stake.
PH.-Unhappy pupil! you were born some centuries too early.
***
FOOL.-You say you detest foreigners. Why?
PHILOSOPHER.-Because I am human.
F.-But so are they.
PH.-Excellent fool! I thank thee for the better reason.
***
PHILOSOPHER.-I have been thinking of the pocopo.
FOOL.-Is it open to the public?
PH.-The pocopo is a small animal of North America, chiefly remarkable for singularity of diet. It subsists solely upon a single article of food.
F.-What is that?
PH.-Other pocopos. Unable to obtain this, their natural sustenance, a great number of pocopos die annually of starvation. Their death leaves fewer mouths to feed, and by consequence their race is rapidly multiplying.
F.-From whom had you this?
PH.-A professor of political economy.
F.-I bend in reverence! What made you think of the pocopo?
PH.-Speaking of man.
F.-If you did not wish to think of the pocopo, and speaking of man would make you think of it, you would not speak of man, would you?
PH.-Certainly not.
F.-Why not?
PH.-I do not know.
F.-Excellent philosopher!
***
FOOL.-I have attentively considered your teachings. They may be full of wisdom; they are certainly out of taste.
PHILOSOPHER.-Whose taste?
F.-Why, that of people of culture.
PH.-Do any of these people chance to have a taste for intoxication, tobacco, hard hats, false hair, the nude ballet, and over-feeding?
F.-Possibly; but in intellectual matters you must confess their taste is correct.
PH.-Why must I?
F.-They say so themselves.
***
PHILOSOPHER.-I have been thinking why a dolt is called a donkey.
FOOL.-I had thought philosophy concerned itself with a less personal class of questions; but why is it?
PH.-The essential quality of a dolt is stupidity.
F.-Mine ears are drunken!
PH.-The essential quality of an ass is asininity.
F.-Divine philosophy!
PH.-As commonly employed, "stupidity" and "asininity" are convertible terms.
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