Never Say Goodbye

by Lori Ryan

  Emmett pressed his body against the wall, disappointment robbing him of breath. She was keeping secrets from him again. There was something she wasn’t telling him.

  Emmett thought about moving closer to listen, but stopped himself. She’d tell him about it when she got off the phone. Wouldn’t she?

  “Yes, I’ll call you when I know for sure. Good bye, Sabine.”

  She was talking to Sabine, her old teacher and mentor. What could she share with Sabine that she couldn’t share with him?

  Emmett went back up to the apartment and sat on the bed, his gut clenching in fear. What was she holding back?

  Unable to sit still, Emmett packed up his research and slid the papers, journals and his laptop into his messenger bag while he waited, preparing himself for what she might say. Or, worse, for what she might not say.

  “Hey,” Elle said, walking through the door. “I thought we could grab something to eat.” She stepped close to him and smiled as though everything was normal. “I’m starving.”

  Emmett stilled. “I thought I heard you on the phone, so I waited up here until you were done.”

  He watched her face, but her expression remained unchanged.

  “Oh, that…it was just a parent asking questions about classes,” she said, the lie casually rolling off her tongue as she shrugged.

  Something deep inside him cracked and Emmett wondered how he’d let himself get here again. How had he let Elle Noble suck him in again? As much as he loved this woman—and he would be stupid to try to deny he loved her—he had to face the fact that she’d never fully trust him enough to be honest. She wasn’t capable of sharing a life with him, of opening herself to the kind of love that brought trust. The kind of love that meant you’d fight anything that came your way, no matter how tough, side-by-side. Together.

  “I can’t,” Emmett said flatly, ignoring the surprised look on her face. “I’ve got to get home and finish three more chapters.”

  He wasn’t talking about dinner. He wasn’t really talking to her, at all. He was telling himself, his heart, that he couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t let himself love a woman who didn’t trust him, who wouldn’t let him fully inside. It was time for his heart to start listening.

  “But, you can write here. I’ve got paperwork downstairs I can do,” she said, nodding toward the stairs. “We can order pizza or something.”

  Emmett shook his head, silently begging her to open up for once and tell him the truth, tell him everything. He fisted his hands, trying to tamp down the anger and the hurt pulsating through his body. He needed to get the hell out of there. Now.

  “Were you ever going to tell me, Elle?” he asked, unable to keep from asking.

  “Tell you what?” Elle swallowed. She looked down at his clenched fists, then back to him. This time, her eyes were shuttered, completely closed off.

  Emmett laughed, a hollow sound. He couldn’t believe that even now, she couldn’t admit it. She was going to dig in her heels and try to pretend there was nothing wrong. “I can’t stay here,” he said, walking toward the door.

  “Emmett, wait,” Elle reached for him, but he shook her off. “Let me just grab my bag and we can—”

  “No.” Emmett held up his hand.

  Elle’s face fell, and he watched as her eyes glistened with tears.

  “Just…no, Elle. I can’t do this again. If you can’t be honest with me after all this time, after everything we’ve been through, then I need to leave. And this time,” he took a shaky breath, “I won’t be back. I can’t do this again.”

  “Do what?” she asked, her voice breaking as her chin quivered.

  “I can’t trust you again.” He spewed the words. “And I can’t be with you.”

  “Emmet, you don’t understand, I was going to talk to you—”

  He spun and walked toward the door but not before he saw the anguish in her eyes, the tears rolling down her face. It didn’t matter, he told himself. He had to shut her out this time.

  “Emmet!” she cried, clutching his arm.

  He turned and faced her, his heart shattering in a million pieces. “When, Elle? When were you going to talk to me?” He watched her, the woman he loved, had loved his whole life. “When will you stop hiding things from me? Stop lying to me?”

  She shook her head as tears streamed down her face.

  “You think you’re saving the people you love by shielding them, by carrying the burdens of your life on your own. Well guess what, Elle? You’re not saving anyone. You’re destroying them, destroying me.” His last words came on a broken cry. “Destroying us.”

  “Emmett, it’s not like that. I want to…I’m, it’s…” Elle choked back a sob.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore,” he said, shaking off her arm as he raked a hand through his hair. He’d never felt more desolate or alone in his life. Now, he understood what Elsbeth of the 1800s had gone through, how broken she had been when the love of her life left her without a word because her family demanded it. He understood what it felt like to know love wasn’t enough.

  “Good bye, Elle.”

  She stepped forward, reaching for him but he backed away, pushing through the door and down the stairs.

  He didn’t stop to wonder how he would go on without her, knowing he no longer had a choice. The choice to leave had taken that away from him. Again.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Elle rolled over in her bed, moving the pillow so her face wasn’t pressed against the dampness left by her tears. She’d cried half the night and well into the morning, her eyes now swollen and burning.

  How could she have done this? She’d thought she was protecting Emmett by not telling him everything. Instead, as always, she’d hurt him. And yet, she’d still let him walk away. She didn’t even know how much of her conversation with Sabine he’d heard, but obviously it was enough.

  There were no words to describe the ache in her heart. The anguish of watching Emmett walk away from her was more painful than anything she’d endured during her cancer treatments. This pain cut deep to her core, to her very soul, and stole the breath from her body.

  It was made all the worse because this had been her fault. She didn’t know how she convinced herself to hold back. Yes, she had needed more information, a definitive answer about the fertility problems, but with hindsight it was easy to see they should have done that waiting together. She should have opened up to him, told Emmett about her fears, told him about the additional testing she was undergoing for fertility. She should have let him in. Instead, she’d lied, and now he was gone.

  Elle picked up her phone for the hundredth time. Still no word from Emmett. She’d called and texted him all night, finally stopping when she fell asleep well after midnight.

  She noticed she had two missed calls from Shanna. Rehearsal this morning. Oh no.

  Cheeta jumped onto the bed, licking her nose, then her cheek.

  “I know sweetie, you need to go outside.”

  Cheeta wagged her tail.

  “And eat, yes, I know.”

  Cheeta gave a small bark and hopped from the bed.

  Elle threw back the covers and pushed off the mattress. As she slid her feet to the floor, her eyes locked on the framed note on her nightstand.

  “Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it.” She picked up the frame and held it closer, reading Emmett’s personal note. I’ll always be here for you, Elle.

  He had been, but she’d pushed him away again and again.

  Cheeta danced at her feet, reminding her she needed to be let out. Judging from the sun beaming in through her window, it was late and she was surprised Cheeta had made it this long without an accident. And without food.

  As Elle reached the bottom step the doorbell rang.

  Emmett?

  Her heart leapt. She glanced at herself in the entryway mirror. Good God, she was a mess. Her hair was spiked on one side and flat on the other, her clothes from yesterday rumpled from sleeping in th
em, make-up smudged and smeared.

  The doorbell rang again and Cheeta barked. Without bothering to check the peep hole, Elle threw open the door, ready to say anything to make Emmett understand, to make him forgive her.

  “Holy hell, you look like shit,” Tanner said, taking a step back as if Elle might be contagious.

  Brody leaned over Tanner’s shoulder. “You really do.”

  Elle groaned and rolled her eyes. “What do you two want?”

  She walked toward the kitchen, leaving her brothers in the entry way. “She needs to go pee. Let her out,” she said over her shoulder. “I need hot chocolate.”

  “Dude, things must be bad,” Tanner said, “it’s almost eleven and she hasn’t had hot chocolate yet.”

  “And she’s leaving us in charge of her mutt,” Brody said.

  Elle glanced at the clock on the stove. “It’s almost eleven?” She couldn’t believe she’d slept so late. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, she’d barely slept a wink last night.

  “Yeah, Pops is worried about you,” Tanner said, walking into the kitchen.

  “Why is Pops worried about me?”

  “He says you haven’t missed a day of work since you’ve been back home.”

  Elle shrugged. “I need a sick day.”

  “That’s why he sent us over,” Tanner said, sliding into a stool at her kitchen bar. “To take care of you.”

  Oh, great. Now her family was worried. That was the last thing Elle wanted, last thing she’d ever wanted.

  “Where’s Cheeta?”

  “Outside taking a dump,” Tanner said.

  Elle glared at him.

  Tanner shrugged. “What?”

  “You can’t leave her out there alone, Tanner.” Elle half shrieked as she raced toward the door and slammed smack into her brother’s hard body.

  “She’s done,” Brody said, bouncing Cheeta in one of his huge hands. “She took a pretty good one, too. How long has she been holed up in here?”

  “Not that long,” Elle said, walking back into the kitchen to fill the kettle. “You guys want some breakfast?”

  Elle opened the fridge, staring aimlessly. She had no stomach for food but needed to busy herself.

  “It’s more like lunch, sis,” Brody said, sitting next to Tanner.

  “Fine. Do you want lunch?”

  “Dude, what gives?” Tanner asked.

  Elle drew in a deep breath and closed the refrigerator door, bracing herself on the counter.

  “Is it about Emmett?” Brody asked.

  Elle raised her head. She’d never been able to hide anything from Brody. He was quiet and discerning, so perceptive it was scary.

  “Yeah,” she sighed.

  “What did fuck face do now?” Tanner asked, moving to stand.

  “Sit down, idiot,” Brody said, pushing his brother’s shoulder until he fell back onto his seat. “I have a feeling this isn’t something Emmett did.” He raised a brow at his sister.

  “You guys know I have a scan coming up next week?”

  Their faces paled. They didn’t like to talk about the scans any more than she did.

  “Yeah. Emmett’s going with you, right?” Brody finally spoke.

  Elle’s eyes prickled and burned with unshed tears. Not anymore, he wasn’t, she thought.

  “I scheduled some extra testing while I’m in New York,” Elle said, rubbing at nothing on the counter.

  “What?” Tanner leaped from his stool. “Why?

  “Is everything all right?” Brody asked simultaneously, rising to his feet. Neither could hide the fear in their voices.

  Elle nodded. “I’m just getting the regular scans as far as the cancer goes. I just added some fertility testing.”

  Her brothers stood silent.

  “It’s just that, um…” Elle twisted her fingers together, realizing she should have had this talk with Emmett not her brothers. “The chemo and radiation, they might have …”

  “Ah, hell,” Brody moaned, walking around the counter and pulling her into a hug.

  Tanner shuffled his feet. “So, you’ll uh, you’ll find out after they do some tests?”

  Elle nodded, sniffling and looking up. “Yeah.”

  “You didn’t tell him, Elle?” Brody asked, reading the situation perfectly. “You guys are getting serious, aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” she said, turning to finish making the hot chocolate as she wiped her eyes. The tears only fell faster.

  “Yes, you told him? Or yes you’re getting serious?” Tanner asked.

  “I didn’t tell him. And yes, we were serious. Until yesterday.”

  “Elly Belly,” Brody said, hands on her shoulders.

  Elle let out a muffled laugh through her tears.

  Tanner touched her arm. “Just tell us.”

  Her doorbell rang again. Cheeta barked and they all jumped.

  “Who’s that?” Elle asked.

  “Probably the cavalry,” Tanner said.

  “Who’s the cavalry?” Elle asked, afraid of the answer.

  “Pops,” Brody said.

  “Pops is here?” she squeaked out.

  “Yep.” Tanner shrugged. “He gave us ten minutes.”

  “What?” Elle scowled. “He’s been out in the car this whole time?”

  Brody held up his hands in innocence. “Wasn’t my idea. Pops said something about us warming you up before he came in for the kill.”

  Elle threw back her head and laughed. It felt good to smile instead of cry. The sound of the laughter reverberated off her walls as her brothers joined in the lunacy of Brody’s statement. She loved her brothers so much.

  “What in the Sam Hill is going on in here?” Her grandpa ranted as he walked into the living room.

  “Dude, what’s up with the Hee-Haw talk, old man?” Tanner asked. “Are you from the Wild West or something?”

  Elle snorted.

  “Next thing you know he’ll be saying, ‘What in the tarrr-nation,’” Tanner said in his best hillbilly drawl. “Or how about catawampus? I think I’ve heard John Wayne use that a time or two.”

  Her grandfather jerked his thumb at Tanner, but he was talking to Elle. “This is what happens when you send a boy in to do a man’s job.” Pops grumbled, pushing past her brothers, and stopping just in front of her. “What in the tarnation has you all catawampus, little girl?”

  She bit her lip to hold back a laugh, and tears, but the tears won over and she stood helpless as they streamed down her cheeks.

  Her grandfather wrapped his arms around her and she fell into him, surprised by his strength.

  “Let it out, sweetheart, it’s all right,” he said softly.

  Holding onto Pops, she felt a little more anchored, like she might not float away.

  “It’s going to be all right, sweet girl, I promise.”

  “I really messed up this time, Pops.”

  “Is this about that damned Sumner boy?”

  Elle pulled back. “It’s not him, Pops, it’s me.”

  Her grandfather shook his head. “Hell, if it is.”

  “No, really, Pops,” Tanner added. “I wanted to kick his ass too, but this time a Sumner is actually innocent. It’s your granddaughter who screwed up.”

  “You boys, get.” Her grandfather nodded toward the door. “I need to talk to Elle.”

  “Should we wait for you?” Brody asked.

  Pops glared.

  Before Elle could argue, her brothers walked out the door, closing it with a quiet thud.

  Pops turned and pointed toward the sofa. “Sit.”

  Knowing she had no choice, Elle turned and sank into the couch, pulling a throw pillow onto her lap.

  She watched as Pops slowly lowered himself across from her. Ever since his stroke, he moved slower, but with no less confidence.

  Her grandfather’s blue-gray eyes studied her.

  “It’s uncanny how much you look like your mother.” He reached out and stroked her face. “She was so beautiful.”
r />   She scooted closer to her grandfather.

  “And you have her spirit. It’s as if when she died, her soul never left. It lives inside of you, I think.”

  Elle’s eyes burned with the memories of her mother. Or rather, the memories people told her about her mother. She didn’t really have any of her own. She’d expected Pops to talk to her about her scan, or about Emmett, but not this.

  He reached out and squeezed her arm. “You’re like her in so many other ways, too. You have her strength, her kind heart. Gayle was a wonderful mother to the boys. And she would have been to you, just like I know you will be one day to your own children.”

  Elle stiffened. “I might never have children. It might not be possible after...”

  “Of course you will.” Pops smiled. “Just because you don’t carry a child in your body doesn’t mean they’re not born in your heart.”

  Elle’s eyes welled with tears. She had always thought she might adopt someday, but she didn’t want that to be Emmett’s only choice for a family. He might want a child of his own someday, a biological child. He might resent her for not being able to give him that.

  “Well, either way,” she said, brushing away tears, “I’m missing a partner now, so it doesn’t matter.”

  Her grandpa shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “You could do it alone if you wanted. Lord knows you’ve got plenty of experience mothering us Noble men. You certainly don’t need to protect us, Elle. And if you’re sick, we need to be there. Just as much for ourselves as for you.”

  “Oh, Pops.” She choked out a sob.

  “You need to let someone inside, even if it isn’t one of us. Let him in,” he said quietly. “Lean on him.”

  “Emmett?”

  He raised one gray brow with a look that said she was a moron, which obviously she was.

  “I don’t think he wants me anymore, Pops. I didn’t tell him I might not be able to have children. I added some extra tests in New York to try to find out. He asked me about them and I lied, I don’t know why I did. Just to protect him I guess. And now he’s not returning my calls.”

  “Hmmph,” her grandpa grunted and fell back into the sofa. “He’s even more stubborn than a Noble. Who thought that was possible?”