Never Say Goodbye

by Lori Ryan

  “Can I tell you something, Pops?”

  He sat up straight. “Of course.”

  “I’m scared.” She bit her lip to keep from crying.

  “I’m scared too, Elle.” His eyes welled. “We all are. Every time you have a scan.”

  Elle remembered Emmett’s note from so long ago. “Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it,” she whispered.

  “Nelson Mandela,” her grandfather said.

  “How did you know?”

  He tapped his temple. “I haven’t lost all my marbles…yet. Actually, it’s the quote on your entry way wall. And the note that boy left you.”

  That boy. Elle laughed. Her grandfather was talking about Emmett’s note.

  I’ll always be there for you, Elle.

  When he wrote the words, Emmett probably hadn’t expected her to push him away again and again.

  Elle drew in a ragged breath. “Emmett’s always wanted a family, Pops. A big family is important to him. I don’t want to take that away from him or limit his options.”

  “If you don’t let him make that choice, if you don’t let him in, he’s already lost you, sweetheart.”

  She glanced up at the wooden block on her mantel. One side said “Fight” the other “Give Up.”

  “I choose fight,” she said quietly. Today she would choose to fight, and she would be triumphant, with a host of family and friends who loved her.

  “Atta girl, Elly Belly.” Her grandfather kissed her head. “Atta girl.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Emmett sat at the desk in his room, trying to concentrate on his book. He hadn’t written anything solid in days, not since he’d walked out on Elle.

  She’d tried to contact him so many times he’d lost track. Afraid he would call her back, at one point he’d given his phone to Max, who immediately called him a dickhead for letting the love of his life go.

  Max hadn’t added the word again to that statement, but it was there, hanging in the air to taunt Emmett.

  He’d held on to the anger like a sword, wielding it at anyone who tried to justify Elle’s actions. He was keeping her away to protect himself, but he had to admit, the anger was fizzling to sorrow now. Sorrow that he wasn’t enough for her. Sorrow that they didn’t have the future he’d begun to let himself dream of with her. Sorrow that she couldn’t trust him.

  The truth of it all was painfully clear. Elle’s refusal to let him in had broken not only Emmett’s spirit, but his heart. As he stared at the blank screen of his laptop, he realized she’d also broken his ability to write.

  Emmett pushed back the computer. He was being a dickhead, he knew that, but something inside him just wouldn’t cave. It was as if he was punishing Elle for what he called deceit. His mother had called Elle’s actions self-preservation. Said she’d needed to protect herself from hope. Whatever the hell that meant.

  Women. Emmett didn’t think he would ever understand them.

  Knowing he’d never write in this condition, he closed the laptop and pulled Elsbeth Noble’s leather-bound journal into his lap. The worn brown material and gold binding looked so much like Elle’s it was uncanny. The two women seemed to have a mystical connection across time and space.

  Emmett opened the cover. He had read through half of Elsbeth’s journal, not surprised to find she’d had a passionate love affair with her own Emmett Sumner. Their story was eerily similar to his and Elle’s, with their love affair starting as childhood friendship.

  After they’d revealed their love and their families had refused to let them marry, Emmett had left Canyon Creek and married a girl two towns away, a girl he barely knew. Elsbeth had taken the opposite route, refusing to marry. According to her journal, her father would have forced a marriage to someone else, but her mother stepped in and let Elsbeth choose. She chose spinsterhood.

  Reading through Elsbeth’s journal now was heartbreaking.

  The clouds are consuming me, darkness overtaking my very soul. How could he have done this? How could he have left me? Alone? Didn’t he have more faith in our love? Faith enough to fight for us?

  I visited the Kissing Cave tonight, praying he would come. It was the date we were to run away together, to claim our love and our lives to everyone, our families be damned. But instead I received word from my sister that he married someone else. It can’t be true, but Hetty assures me it is.

  Why didn’t Emmett believe me when I swore to him I wouldn’t marry anyone but him no matter what my parents said? I loved him. I love him still.

  He’s inside me. I feel Emmett’s love with every movement of our unborn child.

  Wait what? Emmett reread the journal in disbelief. She’d been pregnant?

  I thought he would come for me and I could tell him tonight. But he didn’t. Instead he has wed another. I waited until late in the evening for Emmett to return for me, but he didn’t. He truly has left me.

  What will happen to me? To our baby? I can’t marry another. Not while I carry Emmett’s child inside me.

  Oh, Emmett, I’ve cried a thousand tears and yet more still stream down my cheeks.

  I have to tell my mother and father, no matter how upset they will be. It will disgrace them even more. They’ll probably force me to marry anyone who will have me and the child. I won’t. I’ll refuse. I’ll run away. I’ll take care of the baby myself. I can do it, I’m strong enough. I’m strong enough to raise this baby on my own even though Emmett has left me.

  Emmett sat back, his stomach burning as if he’d been physically punched. Elsbeth had been strong and courageous. She was scared, but determined to care for her child on her own. Brave in the face of an uncertain future.

  Just like his Elle. If he really stopped to think things through, Elle was holding back out of fear. Emmett knew that, in his heart. It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. He’d seen that love in her eyes, felt it in every touch. Known it in his heart, even if she hadn’t said the words. So, if he was right and she loved him, the only reason for her to hold back was fear.

  Emmett jumped to his feet, setting the journal on the desk. He’d been a fool, making Elle worry during a time when she should be focused on herself and her own health. He had to find her, be there for her, tell her she’d never be alone again. Whatever her reasoning was, she’d done it out of love for him, he was sure.

  Emmett pulled open his door and ran square into his mother. He reached out to steady her. “Ma,” he said, surprised to see her.

  Her bright eyes were darker, and narrowed now, her brow wrinkled as she glared at him.

  Emmett’s gut tightened. Shit, what had he done? “What is it, Ma? Did something happen? Is it Elle?”

  His mother’s expression tightened. “She’s downstairs.”

  Downstairs?

  His mother raised a finger and poked him in the chest. Hard. “If you hurt her Emmett Daniel... If you don’t give her the courtesy of listening to what she has to say, I’ll …” His mother paused, obviously at a loss as to how to finish the threat. “I’ll, well, I don’t know what I’ll do, but it will be bad.”

  “Ma,” he said, wanting to reassure her, but wanting even more to get to Elle. He looked around his mother to the stairs, but she pushed him back, one hand on his chest and a gleam in her eyes, like she’d just thought of the perfect threat.

  “I’ll sic your Aunt Sally on you, if you hurt Elle. I’ll make you sit in her bathroom with all those stupid Journey posters and Steve Perry half-naked if you—”

  “I get it, Ma.” He kissed her cheek, rushing past her as he barreled down the stairs. He felt the last of his anger slip away. He was finished being an ass, and he was done letting Elle push him away or try to run from what they had. Elsbeth didn’t have a chance to get her happily-ever-after, but he’d be damned if his Elle didn’t get one. It was a romance novel he was writing after all.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Elle purposefully loosened her fists, trying to rid her body of the tension that had only b
een mounting on the ride over. She wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew this time, she had to tell him everything. Once he knew why she’d been holding back, Emmett could make his own decision.

  And if he chose to walk away…well, she’d have to find a way to heal from that, too.

  As the thought cut through her, she tried to tell herself she’d survived worse, fought pain and sickness, and recovered, but she knew it wasn’t true. If she lost Emmett for good after letting herself love him so completely, she didn’t think she could survive.

  Footsteps on the stairs had her turning, bracing for his anger, his wrath. She mentally prepared for the possibility that he might not be able to give her another chance.

  She wouldn’t blame him. She’d hardly given him a reason to trust her again.

  She glanced up, unprepared for the sight before her.

  Emmett’s face was flushed, his eyes wide.

  “Elle.” He breathed the word more than said it and didn’t wait for her to step to him. Before she could breath, his big hands cradled her face, his mouth on hers. She didn’t need to taste the tears to know they’d come.

  “Shhh, no, no tears.” He pulled back and brushed her cheeks with his thumbs, peering down at her eyes. “I was so wrong, Elle. So damned wrong to leave you.”

  She shook her head, trying to get the words out before they went any further. “I was wrong. I should have told you…” Her voice shook.

  He tugged her to the couch and pulled her into his arms, holding her. “Tell me. Tell me what extra tests they scheduled. Whatever it is they think they’ve found, we’ll get through it together. From now on, no matter how much you try to push me away, I’m not leaving. You’re good and stuck now, Elle. You took my heart and made it yours and I’m afraid you just can’t give it back.”

  “The extra tests aren’t for the cancer, Em.”

  He stiffened. “Something else? Whatever it is, I’ll be with you through it all. I love you, Elle. Always have and I always will. From now on, you won’t be facing anything alone. Whatever the diagnosis, we’ll face it together. Just, trust me. Tell me.”

  Elle’s heart kicked over and filled with hope. This time, she let the feeling fill her, determined not to give in to fear again. She’d only thought she was facing things so bravely ever since her diagnosis. But the truth was, Elle had been letting fear grip her hard and squeeze the life out of her, one small piece at a time.

  She tried to keep her voice level when she spoke. “The extra testing is something I asked them to add on. I want to have them run some fertility tests, to see if I can still have children.”

  Elle watched Emmett as her words sank in.

  “The treatment?” he asked, clearing his throat when his voice cracked. “The treatment might have…”

  She nodded, staring at a spot on the wall behind him, unable to meet his eyes as she forced the words from her mouth. “It’s very possible I can’t have children, Emmett.” Her chest heaved for breath, her heat hammering against her ribs. “My cancer wasn’t an estrogen receptor positive cancer, so that’s good. If it was, they would have recommended I never carry a child, but it’s possible the treatment damaged me.”

  The final words came out on a choked sob as she realized that’s how she’d been thinking of herself. Damaged.

  And Emmett might not want her if she was. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to think of his rejection.

  Emmett cupped her cheek and tilted her face. “Elle, open your eyes, look at me, sweetheart.”

  Slowly Elle opened her eyes, not surprised at the emotion she saw reflected back at her in his beautiful hazel eyes.

  Love.

  There was nothing but love in his gaze. “I love you, Elle. If we can’t have children, that’s all right. If we can, that would be wonderful, too. Either way, what I want…” He stopped, seeming to search himself for the words. “No, what I need, is a life with you, a future with you. Without you, I’m nothing.”

  Elle blinked as tears threatened again. She’d never cried so much in her life, and right now she wished she could stop, but her emotions were raging out of control. “You want a family, Emmett. I know you do. I may not be able to give you that.”

  Emmett’s lips curled into that special lopsided grin that always seemed reserved just for her. “I’ll have a family, Elle,” he whispered. “I’ll have you. That’s what I need. And if we want to, we’ll adopt children. A whole big old mess of them.”

  “Or two,” Elle said. “Two children might be nice.”

  Emmett tipped his head back and laughed, then hugged her closer. “Four.”

  “Four!” she shrieked, trying to wiggle from his hold.

  He squeezed her tight and pressed a kiss on her head. “However, many we’re blessed with Elle, I’ll be happy, as long as I have you.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Emmett held her hand as they waited in the small room inside the radiology department at Columbia University Medical Center. Elle had already changed into her exam gown and was finishing up her paperwork with the nurse.

  Emmett thought his heart would beat out of his chest. He’d never been this frightened in his life. But he couldn’t show it.

  The nurse rattled off question after question, and with each answer, Emmett felt his anxiety climbing. He wouldn’t lie to himself, he was a nervous wreck. But there was no way he’d show Elle.

  She’d given him the best gift he could ever receive. Her trust. Allowing him to come with her, to be with her during the PET scan, was an honor. She’d told him in Colorado it was something she never allowed anyone to do before, so he would stay positive, no matter how scared he was inside.

  Emmett reminded himself that she’d had countless scans before, that this was just routine. Or at least that’s what he’d tried to tell himself on the cab ride to the medical center. To him, it was anything but routine. This was her life though, her future, and since he planned to be a part of it for a long time, he would learn to live with the anxiety.

  “Don’t worry,” she said, squeezing his hand. “They always ask a thousand questions.”

  “Stop trying to comfort me,” Emmett said softly.

  She smiled and nodded. “I’ll try.”

  “You’ve been fasting since midnight?” the nurse asked.

  “Yes,” Elle said quietly.

  Emmett wanted to nod right alongside her. He hadn’t eaten much since Elle asked him to come, let alone in the last twelve hours.

  “Any chance you could be pregnant?” she asked.

  Elle glanced at Emmett. “No,” she said, fear written all over her face.

  He gave her a reassuring smile. At least, he hoped it was reassuring. He couldn’t care less if she was fertile or not. He just wanted her healthy.

  The nurse raised a brow.

  “We’re going to see a fertility specialist while I’m here,” Elle said. “Later this week, after we get the results from my scan.”

  The nurse smiled. “That’s good, Elle. I’m sure everything is fine. But best just to check.”

  Elle nodded.

  Emmett squeezed her hand. “Hey,” he said, sensing her apprehension.

  She turned and stared at him.

  “Courage isn’t the absence of fear.” He spoke the start of the quote, knowing she would finish it.

  She nodded. “I know. It’s the triumph over it.”

  “Here’s to triumph.” He lifted their joined hands and brought them to his lips.

  The nurse swiped a few more keys on the tablet she was holding then tucked it under her arm. “I’m going to let the crew know we’re ready to go. Five years, Elle.” The nurse smiled. “This is a big one.”

  Elle nodded. “Yes, I know.”

  “We’ll see you after the scan, sweetie.” The nurse squeezed Elle’s shoulder, the look on her face one of concern and caring. “Nice to meet you, Emmett.”

  Emmett nodded.

  “Thanks, Stacy,” Elle said quietly, squeezing the woman’s hand.
/>   In that moment, Emmett had never been more grateful for the skilled team of doctors, nurses and medical staff Elle had on her side. They had fought for her, fought with her, during these last five years while she waged her battle with cancer.

  The nurse slipped through the door, leaving them alone in the small, sterile room.

  Emmett rubbed her back quietly in the silence that ensued, trying to infuse her with strength. This was their journey together, and he wouldn’t change it for anything. Not now that he got to share her life with her.

  The door opened and a woman wearing blue scrubs came inside. “All ready, Elle?” she asked, glancing between the two of them.

  He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I’ll be right here when you’re finished.”

  “Always?” she asked.

  “Always.”

  Her face split into a radiant smile and she stood taller. This was her game face. She turned toward the technician. “I’m ready.”

  And just like that, she was gone.

  After what felt like hours, Elle finally walked through the doors to the waiting room where Emmett sat. She looked a little tired. Neither of them had slept well the night before.

  “Everything go okay?” he asked.

  She smiled. “Yeah, it’s all good. Let’s get going.”

  They rode down the elevator, hand in hand, stepping out into the spacious lobby of the medical center. It wasn’t as sterile as the rest of the building, as though they’d wanted people to feel calm and welcome when entering. He hadn’t appreciated it on the way in, but now noted the effort.

  Elle squeezed his hand. “It was good to have you with me today,” she said, glancing up at him as she wrapped her other hand around his arm.

  He leaned down and kissed her temple. “It was good to be here.” And he meant it.

  Elle released him and fumbled with her purse.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  “My phone,” she said, digging through the deep bag. “It’s probably my family, calling to check on me.” As she pulled the phone out, her face washed pale.