“Baby, I want you to get me. I’m sorry. I know I’m an ass to you and I don’t deserve the time of day. I fuck up all the time and I’m never gonna change.” I push him away. Did I miss something? Is he trying to tell me something? Where has all this come from? It’s as if he has opened a portal to his heart. But I can’t jump. I can’t do the same. I just can’t risk getting hurt again.
“Jonathon, where has all this come from, I made it clear that we have a business only relationship. That isn’t gonna change. You and I can never be … anything, you got that?” he pulls me closer to him. His eyes are staring deep into mine. His lips are parted and he is ready to pounce. He edges closer and his lips part even further. His sweet breath is blowing against my cheeks. I can’t breathe. His lips lightly collide with mine and for a brief second, I give in. I let him do his worst. He softly kisses me and I melt. This feels amazing and little butterflies are dancing around in my stomach. I love the feel of him against my body. His hands are sinful as they hold me in place. I give into the pleasure and I let my head fill with thoughts of what it would be like to be with him. We would have the perfect house in Malibu, with two dogs and a little ‘Gucci’ junior. We have everything that we desired. Vacations to Bora Bora and ski trips in the winter, but most of all we would have a great love. We would love each other so much that the earth would stand still for us. We would depend on each other and neither one of us would survive without the other. You’re such a fantasist.
Then reality sets in and I force his strong body away from me. I push him hard and he falls back. His eyes open from the shock and he looks confused.
“Ashley, don’t spoil this moment.” he pleads. “C’mon don’t be scared.”
“I’m not scared. This is just … all wrong.”
“Explain why it’s wrong when it feels so right. You can’t deny that we don’t have an electrifying chemistry. I know that you have secrets and that you aren’t being honest with me. But I am asking you to let me in. Let me know what’s going on inside that beautiful head.” I fill the space between us. I look up at him. Tears are forming in my eyes. I need to remain strong. I could easily concave and give in to his tempting offer.
“I can’t do this. I moved. I changed my life in every way possible. I can’t relive the hurt that I’ve escaped.” I have said much more than I wanted to, but something in his dark eyes allowed me to see that maybe, just maybe, I could trust him. What if he isn’t like Brandon? What if he wouldn’t hurt me? What if he is my one chance to be happy and I am too blind to see it? Maybe my reasons for staying away from him were silly. Maybe I was too hasty in comparing him to Brandon. Maybe I should just give in and tell him how I really feel. I can’t deny it. I have tried, but it just doesn’t fit. I like him. I am drawn to him and now he has opened up and told me how he feels. I knew that he liked me, but never to this extent. When he looks at me, I can see that he has a passion for me and that image is terrifying. My last relationship has left me numb. I don’t know if I can ever trust again.
“What hurt? Who has hurt you? Tell me everything.” he snaps filling the small space between us. I lightly shake my head. I can’t tell him. He would never understand. If he knew what my life was like before I met him, then he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. If he knew about the things that I have done, he would run a mile. He would think that I was a terrible person. I know that I am, but I couldn’t cope with him thinking it also. My tears are now heavier and freely flowing down my cheeks. My breathing is heavy and I can’t think straight. I just need to get out of here. I need to get away from him. His strong hand is clasped onto my lower back and his other is moving closer to my face. He senses my pain and his eyes soften. I have never seen him look so good. He is stunning. The moon has lit the sky above us, and I vividly remember wishing that I had someone to share this evening with. My wish was granted and there he was. The most perfect creature that I have ever laid eyes on. He is everything that I like in a guy. He’s tall and handsome. He’s funny –when he isn’t being a jerk. He’s kind –sometimes and I can tell that he is a family man.
I gaze up at the stars with my teary eyes. I scan the sky and I take in its breath-taking beauty. I silently wish that one day Jonathon and I can be together.
Ten
It has been two weeks since Jonathon and I had kissed outside the restaurant. So much has happened in that time, I don’t know where to start. That evening, I cried myself to sleep. I hated myself for refusing him. Deep down I know that I want him, but I am just too scared to let him in. We haven’t talked about that night. In fact, we haven’t talked about anything –apart from my music. He still picks me up every morning. We work out, get breakfast and then head to the studio. The routine is the same as before, but the atmosphere has changed –forever. We don’t make small talk. He doesn’t tell me about his family or any of his personal problems. He doesn’t even call me Ashley any more. It’s strictly Miss Harper and I have to refer to him as ‘Mr Wilde’. I knew that things would change, but I didn’t expect to this extent. He is like a blank canvas. He shows me no emotion. He barely makes eye contact with me. I feel that he is disappointed with me. I know that he is mad at me. I know that I deserve it, but I know that my reasons are true. I can’t risk my heart –not again. Things got even more awkward the next day. I had already agreed to go out with Tyler. No matter how upset I was, I couldn’t bail on the guy. So I went on the date and things were going well. Tyler was sweet and caring. He wasn’t the sexiest guy I had ever seen, but inside he was …beautiful. I know that he would never hurt me and that reassurance consumes me. Anyway, dinner was fine and then we decided to go and see a movie. When we arrived at the theatre, my world came crashing down. Jonathon and Candy were there. It was so awkward to see him with her. She was draped all over him. Kissing him and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. He looked devastated to see us, but as always he remained cool. We exchanged a brief glance as we took our seats for the movie. Tyler and I sat at the back, and Jonathon and his date sat two rows in front of us. The cinema was quite so I could see him fully. The movie was boring and at one point Candy burst out laughing. An old lady shushed her and Jonathon apologised. But I could hear him sniggering as Candy rested her head on his shoulder. I tried to ignore their childish behaviour, but I couldn’t. I spent the whole night watching them. I felt terrible afterwards; I hardly even spoke to Tyler. He is such a nice guy and I didn’t want to hurt him. He tried to kiss me at the end of the night. I pulled away and I felt terrible when he locked his sweet eyes on mine. I couldn’t lead him on. I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He was bummed a little, but he agreed. I still see him. He comes round to my apartment for coffee and we watch movies. We have a lot in common and we get on well. He has become a good friend and I am lucky that I have met him. As for things with Mr Gucci, he is still dating Candy. I really don’t know what he sees in her, but maybe I am just… jealous. She seems very possessive of him. She calls him all day long and when he doesn’t answer her calls she shows up at the studio. I know that she embarrasses him. He gets really flustered with her. She is so hands on. She likes to touch him all the time and her lips are permanently lodged onto his. It makes me feel really uneasy. I’ll be recording in the studio and he is trying to listen and give me advice, but Candy keeps butting in. She won’t let me have any alone time with him. I know that’s super selfish, but she gets to spend every minute with him, whereas my time with him is limited. I only see him for a few short hours a day and when you have crush on someone, that time is never going to be enough. My friend Sydney thinks that Candy knows Jonathon and I share a connection. And that she is terrified of losing him to me. I am not sure if I agree with her scenario, but I feel that Candy does try to keep me away from him. If only she knew the truth. That Jonathon and I will never be together. I have accepted our fate and I have to live with it. Mr Wilde and I are strictly business associates and nothing more –ever.
My mom has been calling me a lot lately. She and Pet
e have a set a date for the wedding. It’s in three weeks’ time. She has asked me to be her ‘maid of honour’ and I am yet to give her my answer. I feel that a maid of honour should be there for the whole wedding process. She should be there to help with all of the planning and whatever else goes into organizing a wedding. I really feel that she should ask one of her close friends to be her maid of honour. After all I don’t live in Dallas anymore. I would feel super guilty about taking on the role. My mom has a very close group of friends who adore her. Any one of them could easily take on the job. I am really anxious about returning to Dallas and I know that if I accept my mom’s offer, then I will have to spend more than the two days I have planned in that city. She will want me there for the whole process and I just don’t know if I am strong enough. I have asked Sydney to accompany me to the wedding. I need someone there with me who understands how I am feeling. I don’t want to spoil the wedding with my drama. So Sydney is going to be there to make sure that my emotions don’t take over. My mom is calling me tonight to hear my final decision. God please make her understand.
With the wedding on the horizon and that looming trip to Dallas, I have been working overtime at the café trying to earn some extra money. I don’t feel like driving for twenty hours, so I have been scouring the net trying to find some cheap flights. That’s proving quite difficult. The date for the wedding is the twenty ninth of august and I just can’t seem to find a reasonably priced flight. They are all way over my budget. My mom has offered to pitch in, but there’s no way I can allow that. She and Pete are all spent out with the wedding, I couldn’t possibly ask for their help. Sydney’s parents have agreed to pay for her flight. As long as she pays them back –weekly. I suppose I could do that with my mom, but I know that she would never accept a penny back from me. So that idea has blown up in smoke. My only hope is to work overtime, and pray that Sal and Kevin will find it in their hearts, to give me an advance on my wages.
“Ashley,” Sydney says as she bursts through my door. I place my cup into the sink as I walk over to greet her. “You ready?” she says folding her arms across her Guns N Roses t-shirt. Her dark hair is straight and her eyes are thick with jet black eye liner. I grab my cell and I shove it into the back pocket of my shorts. I push Sydney out of the apartment the door slams behind me. She has kindly agreed to give me a ride to the Studio. Mr Wilde called and said that he was held up this morning and that he wouldn’t be able to drive me over to BeatBox. So Sydney stepped in, right when I needed her. She is such a good friend. I am blessed to have her in my life. We slide into her old Mustang and she roars the engine. She drives us in a slow manner to the studio. I realise that I haven’t showed her around yet, so today I feel that it’s about time. We glide up the stairs of BeatBox records, and Sydney is as mesmerised as I was the first time I set foot in here. She is in awe of all pictures and records that line the brightly painted walls. Musicians and producers pass by as we head towards the small recording room. I knock on the door and Emily answers us immediately. She whisks us into the room and I am sensing that she is stressed out. I begin to worry as her forehead cresses further.
“Mr Wilde is running late. He called, and just a heads up, he’s in a foul mood today.” My heart starts to race and then it slows down.
“Is he any other way?” I say lightly. Emily briefly smiles as she writes something down on her clip board. She excuses herself and Sydney makes a funny face as Emily’s heels click against the wooden floor. I smile at her and then she gushes about how excited she is about being here.
“This is so amazing. I can’t believe that we are in a real recording studio.” I laugh.
“I know it’s unreal. I love it.” Our kind moment is ruined by the sound of Mr Wilde storming in through the door. He slams the door shut behind him and he throws himself down onto the leather chair. He deeply exhales as he folds his arms across his strong chest. He looks up at me. His eyes are tense and his lips are quirked up at one side. His expression is serious.
“Mr Wilde…,” I say but he interrupts me.
“Save it Miss Harper, I’m not in the mood. Now who are you, exactly?” he says staring at Sydney. I am appalled at his arrogance.
“This is my friend Sydney,” I say making light of his rudeness. His stare intensifies and I can feel my blood begin to boil. I know he’s about to say something uncalled for.
“May I remind you that we are trying to work here? Friends aren’t allowed in here without my permission. Now tell me Miss Harper, did I give you my permission?” I blush and I look at Sydney. Her cheeks are bright red. She is mortified. Why is he doing this? There is no need for him to be so rude.
“I didn’t think I would need your permission.”
“Well then you miss judged me. You aren’t allowed in here Sydney, now please can you leave?” he says staring deeply into my eyes. I can’t breathe. I want to leave. Sydney slightly shakes her head at me as she walks over to the door. I am speechless at how he’s acting.
“See you later Ashley.” Sydney says in a quiet voice. I smile at her. I can’t believe he was so rude to my friend. Now I am certain that he and I could never work. The door opens and then closes. Sydney is gone and I am left alone with him. I have to try and remain cool or else, I will explode. He begins to search through some paper work on his desk. He finds whatever he was searching for and he turns to face me. His stare is still tense and he looks really anxious. I don’t know if he’s worried or if something has happened to make him lose his marbles. Either way I am fuming with him.
“I’ve found you a song. Get over here. I’ll play the demo.” his voice is monotone. I hate that he bosses me around. But I am intrigued. We have been searching for the perfect song for so long. None of my own songs were up to his standards. So I am excited to hear what he wants me to record. He presses one of the many buttons in front of him and the soft music begins to play. It’s a slow song and I am surprised when I hear a male singing the lead vocals. The song is romantic and soft. Very compelling and soothing. It’s about an everlasting love. I never would have thought that he would be into romantic songs. Is he trying to tell me something with the lyrics of this song?
“What do you think?” he orders when the music is finished.
“I like it…”
“I’m sensing a but,” he knows me too well.
“It’s just its male vocals. You know?” Finally his eyes soften a little. He doesn’t look as tense as before. He stands up and towers over me.
“So what, the song was recorded a while back by a washed out boy-band from the UK. This song is perfect for you. Don’t let the fact that its male vocals stop you from recording the song. Here, take the lyrics. Get into that booth and sing your heart out. This song could be the start of something wonderful for you. Give it a chance and trust me on this.” he holds a sheet of paper between his delicious fingers. I sigh and I take the paper from him. I scan over the words and then I head into the booth. I pull the oversized headphones over my head and he ‘thumbs up’ that he’s ready. The music starts and I wait for my cue. I read the words over and over in my head, until my mouth surprises me by belting out the first line.
“Stay with me, don’t fall asleep too soon. The angles can wait, for a moment.”
Jonathon carefully listens as I continue with the rest of the first verse.
“Come real close. Forget the world outside. Tonight we’re alone. It’s finally you and I.”
He cuts the music and his voice echoes through the booth.
“That was … dull.” his brutal honesty has slightly shocked me. I bite my lip as I reply.
“Well thanks for the vote of confidence.” I say in a sarcastic tone.
“It’s not about confidence or how I feel about you. It’s about the song and about you bringing the words to life. The song is emotional. I know you have pain built up inside of you. Show it and make the words real.” his words comfort me. I know he’s right. He’s always right. When comes to music he knows best. He is s
o passionate that it makes me passionate. We have our differences and we haven’t had the easiest of times, but I know when it comes to down to the important stuff, I can trust him with this.
“Okay let me try it again.”
We go over the song many times in the next hour. I have sung the first verse around twenty times. I love the lyrics and I love the story behind the song. It’s about everlasting love that’s ‘Written in the stars’. Jonathon wants me to record the song as quickly as possible. He wants to send a demo out to all the local radio stations. He said he wants to test the waters and to see how the listeners react to my sound. He has also booked me a few gigs over the next week. I have one at ‘Club Vixen’ and another at ‘Toxic’ both venues are massive and I am little nervous about performing. Note to self; make sure that Zane and Sydney are there to calm me down before I go on stage. I don’t usually get nervous, but everything relies on these two performances. I need them to go well. When I need some encouragement, I always look to my two LA best friends. I haven’t seen Zane in a while. He’s been on an extra-long vacation with his family. His parents own a house in Hawaii and they tend to spend long periods of time there in the summer months. He’s so lucky. I would love to have a life like that.
“Sounds good Miss Harper,” Alex the music advisor says in a smooth voice. He runs his fingers through his sandy blonde hair as he awaits my reply.
“Thanks,” my answer was short and to the point. I remember his rude comment from our first meeting and I try to put it to the back of my head. Tony and Alex are music advisors, and now that I have started to record my song, Mr Wilde has told me that I will be seeing a lot more of them. Great.
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