“It’s over, Brandon is in trouble and I don’t know what to do.” My mom looks worried.
“Ashley, I need you tell me what’s happened. I can’t help you unless you let me in.” I know she’s right. I need to confide in my mom. I need her more than I ever have before.
“Mom, Brandon isn’t the guy I thought he was. He has been … hurting me. I know it’s my own fault. I just loved him too much to see the real him. He’s in trouble. I think he’s been arrested. I can’t stay here in Dallas. He’ll never let me go.” My mom starts to cry and then she composes herself. She’s focused. She’s going to help me.
“Okay, we need to get you out of here.” she starts to pace the room. I look at her. I was expecting her to be furious with me. But yet she’s calm and focused. “Think sweetie,” she says urgently. I think. I got it.
“LA,” my mom nods. She pulls me off the sofa.
“Okay, now we have to think this through. Do you think it’s safe to go and get some of your things from the apartment?”
“No, besides I don’t want anything. I don’t want any reminders of him.”
“Okay, I have some stuff up stairs. Stay here, I’ll go and get it.”
My mom drove me to the bus station. It was hard saying goodbye. I cried and she wiped away my tears. She told me to go to LA and pursue my dreams of music. I haven’t taken my moms’ advice in so long, but I am going to make sure that’s exactly what I do this time.
I settled down into my seat in the bus. I looked out of the window, and I saw my mom standing in the same spot that I left her in. The bus pulls away and I blow my mom a kiss. Soon, Dallas is a distant memory. Leaving is easy. It’s the part that comes next that’s tricky.
Twelve
My alarm buzzes. I wake in a pool of sweat. I was dreaming about that dreadful night, man I haven’t had that dream in a while. I wonder what set it off. My phone starts to ring, it’s Mr Wilde. I slowly pull my phone off of the side table. I slide to answer and then I hit speaker phone. I know that today is going to be one of those bad days. I haven’t had one in so long, but whenever I dream about Brandon, the day that follows is always dreadful. My memories of his beatings consume me. My eyes close and I can feel the pain from his fists. I cringe. Jonathon’s voice knocks me out of my pain-fest.
“Hey are you up?”
“I was just about to, why?”
“I’m on my way,” Fuck. He wants to work-out. How am I going to cope? My body is aching and I feel groggy. I want to curl up into a ball and die.
“Jonathon …” I want to tell him that I am hurting, but I can’t. I don’t. Instead I say. “Okay I’ll be ready.”
“See you soon,”
I manage to drag myself out of bed. I have a quick shower and change into my work-out clothes. I tie my caramel hair into pig tails and I glug down two cups of strong coffee. I hope that the caffeine will wash Brandon out of my head. I need a change of clothes for work later, so I pack some shorts and a t-shirt into my handbag. I have an aching fear in the pit of my stomach that I can’t shake. I hope that I can remain composed when Jonathon gets here. I would hate to slip up and confess everything to him. Or even worse, I could give in and shower him with all the affection that I have built up inside.
A knock comes to the door. My heart flutters as I let him in.
“Hey sexy,” he says in a playful voice. I frown at him. His words are inappropriate, and I am not in the mood for them right now. He senses that I am tense, he questions me on it. “Oh my, what’s wrong with you?” I blush and try to hide my emotions. I could burst into tears any moment now.
“Nothing,” I say, he’s not convinced. He shakes his head and reaches out and grabs onto my arm.
“C’mon I’m not buying that. You look awful.”
“Jeez thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself.” I scold him. He looks annoyed.
“That wasn’t what I meant and you know it. Now tell me what’s wrong?” I exhale and pull my arm out his firm grasp. I grab my bag and push my way out of the apartment. I nudge him as I do. He follows me down the stairs. Sighing and no doubt thinking of more questions to ask me. I step out of the building and into the parking lot. His car is parked nicely with the top down. I jump inside and he does the same. He starts the engine and looks at me as he pulls out of the lot.
“You’re such a mystery. What are you hiding from me?”
He drove to the gym, we were quite in the car and our silence continued, as we took advantage of the treadmills and rowing machines. I must say that working out helped me to escape, a little. Sweating and focusing on a goal –thirty minutes of running on the treadmill, really helps to elevate stress. Watching Jonathon, he’s so effortless. He makes an hour of tough cardio look easy. I envy him. I sweat like a pig; it’s not a good look. But today I didn’t care. Running helped to take away my inner suffering of my dream about Brandon. I would sweat all day long, as long as it helped to erase him from my memory. I know that today is going to be one of my down days. I haven’t had one in so long. I knew I was overdue. I just hope that I can hide it from Jonathon.
He stopped at our usual breakfast spot. He ordered our usual breakfasts. I was too jacked up and emotional to eat. Luckily he didn’t question me again on my odd mood. He just paid the cheque and drove me straight to the studio. The office was really busy today. I saw Tyler in the hallway. He talked about getting together soon. I agreed, but I had so much on my mind, that I didn’t realise what I was agreeing to. He wants me to meet his friends. There’s some band playing at ‘The Rat’ and he wants me to go with him. Like I said, I agreed, but I wish that I hadn’t. I think he said it was tonight, and I can’t even process the thought of working and then going out after. I just feel so … drained, I need to talk to Tyler. I hope he understands. I’ll text him later.
Jonathon has me in the studio all day. He has set me a deadline. ‘Written in the stars’ must be fully recorded tonight. He has told the local radio stations that he will have the demo by tomorrow morning. So to sum up, I have four hours to record the song that could either make or break me. Good Luck Ashley!
“Stop, just stop!” Jonathon exclaims. He cuts the music and his scolding voice erupts through the small recording booth. I sigh. What’s his problem now?
“What?” I say a little firmly. He narrows his eyes at me. He clearly hated my tone. I feel bad, but it’s too late, I can’t apologise he has already started to talk.
“I want you to tell me what was wrong with your performance?” I blush. I don’t feel as if anything was wrong with it. My answer is going to blow the lid on his pressure cooker.
“I thought it was… fine,” I say proudly. He lunges forward in his seat. His eyes are tense yet they still sparkle, little diamonds in the night.
“Yeah it was fine, but labels don’t spend millions promoting fine.” his words were harsh, but very true.
“Okay so what do you suggest?”
“The song is … emotional. It’s about an everlasting love that you’re scared of losing. There’s pain in the lyrics. You have pain built up inside you that you can draw experience from. You just won’t … go there.” I bite my lip. He’s right. I do have the emotions to match the song, but why can’t I let them out?
“It’s just … hard, you know?” he slides off of the chair and walks over to the door of the booth. The door opens and he walks in. He reaches me, looks into my eyes and gently touches my arm.
“I don’t know because you won’t tell me,” his voice is shallow. My eyes are stinging. I choke back my tears as I reply.
“I can’t, it would … ruin everything.” he moves closer and he slides his hand from my arm onto my cheek. His fingers feel tender against my skin. He leans forward. His nose is in my hair; his lips are parted and ready to pounce. I can’t let him in. He would hate me for my selfish ways. I can’t risk losing him. “You’d hate me if you knew the truth.”
“Let me be the judge of that.” I move my hand and pl
ace it onto his chest. I push him away, he looks defeated.
“We have work to do,” I say as he stands in front of me, looking into my eyes. He’s hoping that I will somehow change my mind and confess everything to him. He’s greatly mistaken. He finally gives up and returns to his desk. I pull the earphones over my head and as the music plays, I open the gates and let my emotions flood out through the words of the song.
“Don’t be afraid, I’ll be right by your side. Through the laughter and pain, together we’re bound to fly. I wasn’t meant to love like this, not without you.”
He cuts the music again.
“Okay that’s better. Now let’s do the entire song. No pausing, can you manage that?” I nod.
“Yeah,”
Four hours later, the song is recorded. Jonathon has gathered Mr Phillips, Tony, Alex and Emily into his office. He is about to play them the song. I am so nervous. I hope that they like it. Mr Phillips took a massive gamble in signing me. I hope that I have made him proud. BeatBox is a huge label; I would hate to let them down. I have every part of my body crossed, as Jonathon presses play on my song. The music cuts and Mr Phillips smiles at me, I guess that’s a good sign.
“I knew you were worth the risk. The song is awesome, good job.” he says as he strides over to me and firmly shakes my hand. I beam. I am so relieved. I am ecstatic. Tony and Alex also approve. Jonathon is pleased with himself. He slides over and stands by my side. He drapes his strong arm over my shoulder. He pulls me into his body and he lightly kisses me on the top of my head. Mr Phillips excuses himself. He has some meeting to attend. Tony and Alex also leave. I am left alone with Jonathon. He’s still holding me. I don’t pull away. I like how it feels to be close to him. I bask in his body, just for one more minute.
“Ashley, look at me.” his voice is smooth. His eyes are scanning me. I feel uneasy. I meet his stare, his eyes soften. “We did it,” I smile at him. He wraps his arms around me and he pulls me in for a tight hug. His hand slips onto my waist and I catch him smelling my hair. You need to end this Ashley. I lightly push him away from me. I try to be subtle. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, so I keep a smile plastered on my face as I push him away.
“I could never have done it without you,” I thank him.
“I know,” he jokes. I pout at him, he holds his hands up. “Sorry,” he says playfully. I smile and a soft giggle escapes. I haven’t thought about Brandon, my dream, or the wedding in over four hours. But as I stand looking at him, my worries are slowly returning. No don’t think about Brandon. Don’t let him ruin this moment, your moment.
Jonathon kindly drove me to work. He stayed for a beer and then he left. Sydney and Zane are having dinner here tonight. I haven’t seen them in a while; I want to catch up on what’s been going on. Fuck, Tyler, I totally forgot about tonight. I ask one of the other waitresses to cover for me. I head into the back room and search my bag for my phone. Now do I call him or do I text him? Call him, texting would seem cold and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I dial his number and I wait as the phone rings in my ear.
“Hey Ash,” his voice is bright, he always makes me smile.
“Tyler,”
“What’s up?”
“About tonight, I don’t think that I can make it.”
“Oh,”
“Yeah, I’m sorry but I was at the studio all day and I have to work a shift at the café. I am drained,” he laughs. That’s a good sign.
“You know what, its fine. We’ll do it some other time.” Thank God he understands. He’s such a nice guy.
“Thanks, talk soon?”
“Of course,”
The café is a little busier tonight. There are more families in and a few loved up couples. Sydney and Zane have just arrived. I sat them near the bar. I am always at the bar preparing drinks, so this way, I can work and talk to them at the same time. Sydney is dressed in black cut-off jeans and a black t-shirt with some ‘emo’ band on the front that I have never heard of. Zane is casual as always. His jet black hair is messy and longer than I remember and he is really tanned. No doubt from soaking up the Hawaiian sun. From a far they look like a couple, but as you get closer, you can see that their relationship doesn’t go beyond friends. It’s really nice to witness their friendship. They bounce off of each other. They make each other scream and laugh at the same time. True friends are what they are. I have a few tables to wait on and then I can catch up with my friends. I really want to talk to Sydney –alone. She’s the only person who knows about my past. I have so much to get off my chest, and I want her advice on what I should do. I am really confused about Jonathon, and then there’s the whole Brandon thing. I don’t know if I could ever trust another guy after the way I was treated in the past. I want to confess and tell Sydney how I feel about Jonathon, but I don’t know if I will have the confidence to do that. All I know is that I really need to talk to her.
“Hey, you guys need anything?” I say as I fly past their table. Sydney raises her eyebrows at me.
“Well I’m starved and you’re completely ignoring us.” I feel bad, but I know she’s just joking. I march over to the kitchen and I check on their order. I grab two bottles of beer from the bar, and I place them onto their table as a piece offering. They smile and glug down the beer.
“Your food won’t be long,” I say as I pass by.
My tables have cleared and it’s finally time for my break. Sydney and Zane are now eating their dessert. I pull an extra chair over and I sit down at their table. Zane looks up from his cheesecake. He has a cheeky glint in his eye as he says.
“Don’t you look good girl, who is he?” I blush.
“Oh he’s this totally buff, music producer she’s working with.” I reach out and slap Sydney’s arm. Her comment was uncalled for and wrong. Well not entirely wrong, but I don’t want everyone knowing my business. I guess I am just private, and Zane is the type of guy, that mocks everything that everyone else does. He wouldn’t understand my feelings for Jonathon, and I don’t really want to go there right now. I change the subject.
“So how was Hawaii?” He shoves a forkful of cheesecake into his mouth as he replies.
“Great, you know?” I laugh.
“Uh no, I don’t know actually, not all of us have rich parents’ you know.”
“Ouch,” Sydney exclaims. I widen my eyes.
“It was a joke; you know it was supposed to be funny?” We all giggle and I pick at a piece of bread from the basket. I realise that I haven’t eaten today, that’s a first. Zane finishes his dessert, he turns to face us. Eyes cheeky –again.
“So how’s the music going?” I fill him and Sydney in on what’s been going on with my music. They’re really happy and excited for me. I am thankful to have such great friends. My time in LA would have been unbearable without them. Especially Sydney she helped me through so much heartache. When I first moved here I was a wreck. I had zero self-esteem and I was broken, damaged and hurt. I wanted to give up. I wanted to end everything, but Sydney helped me. She showed me how to move on and without her; I know that I would be dead right now. I owe so much to her. She was there at a time in my life where I was at my lowest. She brought me back to reality and she showed me how to believe in life again. That’s why I am itching to talk to her about Jonathon. I know that I can go to her with any problem, and she will know the solution. I am dying inside as I try to hold in my feelings. I need to explode and let them out.
“I can’t believe that you have a song. When’s it gonna be on the radio?” Sydney gushes.
“I finished the recording today and Jonathon is releasing it to the radio stations in the morning.”
“OMG and its Jonathon now is it?” I blush. Zane eyes me in confusion, man I wish he wasn’t here right now. Sydney seems into talking about Jonathon, but I can’t open up with Zane here.
“Well that’s his name, you know?” she giggles.
“I thought it was Mr Gucci?” I narrow my eyes at her. That nickname is starting to we
ar a little thin.
“And who was it exactly that came up with that silly name?” Sydney holds her hands up proudly.
“That would be me, and I gotta admit that I really struck gold when I came up with that name.” Zane still looks confused.
“Hold on, you’re dating a guy called ‘Mr Gucci’?” I laugh at his words.
“I’m not dating him. He’s my music producer nothing more.” Sydney sniggers.
“Zane you should see this guy, he’s perfect for her. He has dark hair and eyes, really good-looking and his fashion sense is impeccable. I mean he’s not the kind of guy I would date, but for Ashley he’s perfect.” A sneaky smile escapes from my lips. It’s nice to hear how Sydney feels about him. Now I can’t wait to talk to her about how I have been feeling. I get the feeling that she will be really supportive and encouraging when it comes down to him.
“What about me? I have dark hair and my fashion sense is outta this world.” I narrow my eyes at him. He makes me feel uncomfortable when he visualizes us being together.
“C’mon you guys can we please talk about something else?” Sydney laughs and Zane pretends to be heart broken. I laugh at his dramatic performance. He laughs and Sydney giggles. This is what I need, down time with my friends. I need to escape from Jonathon and all the Brandon stress. I know that my friends will help me with my issues, without even realising it.
“So are you busy tomorrow?” Sydney says sipping at her beer.
“Actually, I am a little busy tomorrow; I was meaning to ask you guys about something?” My friends look intrigued. “I have a gig tomorrow night at ‘Club Vixen’ you guys gonna be able to make it?” Sydney explodes.
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