by Vivian Lux
"Nah, Andie's a sweet girl. A bit intense, but nice. You wouldn't know that though."
"You're right, I wouldn't. So you'd have signed the autograph too, then." Fighting with Gabe felt like pressing on a bruise. I felt nauseous and spun around, hurt and confusion and righteous anger all fighting to be the top feeling. "Don't get all high and mighty. You're just pissed she came to me!"
Gabe snorted. "You really think I haven't signed all her memorabilia already? I was in that band too you know."
"Oh I know." I rolled my eyes sarcastically. "Believe me. Until you ended it over a girl."
I hadn't meant to bring it up. Really I hadn't. It was a funeral after all, this wasn't the time or the place to have this out. But Gabe's selective memory about how the break up happened pissed me off. He needed to remember that I wasn't the one in the wrong.
Two years ago, Gabe was off the rails - high on pills and drunk on love with a gold-digging hellspawn. He wanted to marry her for some reason, but when he went to propose, he found her down on her knees, blowing our manager. Walked right in on the both of them.
He broke up with her, of course. That was obviously the right thing to do.
But then he took it a step further and broke up our band.
To this day I don't understand why he did that. Or why Beau and Finn took his side. I told them all it was a huge fucking mistake, but they didn't listen to me. Arguments lapsed into silent treatment - phone calls unreturned, emails never opened. I knew he was pissed at me for some reason, but the way I figured it, he was the one who'd fucked up, not me. Throwing away ten years of hustle and hard work over a girl was the stupidest thing he could ever do, and I told him as much last Christmas.
We'd said more to each other in the past five minutes than we had the whole year prior.
His nostrils flared. "Fuck this shit," he muttered under his breath. He yanked his leather jacket off the banister and threw it over his shoulders.
"Gabriel?" My mother was coming into the living room, but Gabe was already out the door.
She whirled in a circle. "What did you do?" she asked me, already frantic.
Heat spread in my belly. I shouldn't have come. I should have sent flowers and stayed away. "Nothing," I spat. "I didn't do a damn thing."
"He can't..." My mother trailed off and I could feel the worry rising off her in waves. Gabe rushing off in anger had her instantly on the alert. The months spent dealing with him after the breakup of the band - getting him sober, getting him off the pills our shithead manager had gotten him hooked on - all that had fallen to my mom because he wasn't ready to listen to his older brother.
But I could try to make him listen now. "Don't worry, Ma. I'll go get him."
I ran out after him, the November chill raising goosebumps on my bare arms. Gabe was at the turn-out where he kept his bike. I shouted for him, but he kicked the motor to life, intentionally drowning me out.
"Hey!" I shouted, breaking out into a run, suddenly ready to tackle him to the ground. Fuck the heart to heart my mom was hoping for. My fists itched for a fight. "Get back here!"
Gabe twisted the throttle and roared out of the drive. "Hey!" I shouted again, this time panicked as I saw the figure picking its way up the gravel. At the last second, Gabe swerved, maneuvering into the ditch that banked the drive and then shooting back across into the road.
"Jesus!" Ruby cried.
I rushed over to her. Gabe had showered gravel in her direction, but she looked less hurt than pissed. "You okay?" I asked, glaring at Gabe's retreating bike.
Ruby leaned down and wiped the dirt off her legs. "Guess you guys still aren't talking, huh? Where the fuck is he going?"
"I was trying to find that out myself." She looked at me and shifted a vase of flowers in her arms, and without thinking I grabbed it. "I got that," I told her. "You coming inside?"
"Yeah, that was the plan," she exhaled.
I looked down at her, all panting and pissed off, and couldn't help myself. "You're late."
Instantly her dark eyes snapped. "Shut up."
"I shouldn't let you in," I said, dancing from side to side, directly in her path.
"Really?" She watched my feet for a moment, then tried to run around me. I blocked her and she huffed in irritation.
I knew I was being a dick, but I was spoiling for a fight. I was working as hard as I could but this was turning into a disaster just like the other night onstage. The tension, Gabe's reaction, the suffocating feeling of being here with no Gid to escape to. I could almost hear boos in my head again.
I wanted to shout at someone until things felt right again, until I was back in control, back on top where I belonged. And since Ruby seemed like she was hell bent on hating me today, she was the likeliest candidate get a win off of. "Can't let you in, sorry!" I jeered, raising the pitch of my voice to match hers.
She put her hands on her hips and glared up at me. "Nope, you're late," I teased, shaking my head.
A wicked glint darkened her eyes. I paused.
I'd never seen that look from her before.
And before I knew what was happening, she was reaching up, her arms around my neck.
"It's okay," she murmured as she yanked me down to her in a fierce, almost aggressive hug. She patted my back. "I know it's hard."
I was too stunned to move, and I almost dropped the vase out of sheer surprise. Her cheek was soft and she smelled like baby powder, and her voice in my ear was like the gentlest kiss. As she hugged me tight, I actually felt myself relaxing for the first time this whole awful day.
Until she patted me again. "Thanks," she jeered, in a low voice that sounded like a mocking impression of mine. "I think I needed that."
And with that she darted around me and into the house.
I stood there reeling, with no idea what the fuck had just happened, but the boos in my head suddenly switched to applause.
Chapter Four
Ruby
My email was up on my classroom computer. Three notes from parents and a faculty wide announcement were all waiting for my responses. But I was just staring at the screen, my finger hovering over my mouse. Frozen in place.
Gid wasn't in the music room right now. I could feel his absence like a missing tooth, and I couldn't keep my mind from probing that aching, empty space. He wasn't there. He wasn't going to be in the break room later with my coffee already poured and ready. He wasn't here in the school with me. He was ashes in an urn.
The last email Gideon has sent me was dated six days ago. And as I read and re-read it, I kept waiting for the tears to come, but they seemed to have all dried up, leaving only that physical ache.
It didn't seem fair that the last note I got from my mentor wasn't even spelled right. I could tell he was dashing it off real quickly, in a hurry to head out and get home. "Gonna be playing the Crown Tavern Sat. If your not busy, come cheer an old man on."
Too much of a hurry. This email was sent the day he died. He never played that show.
Half of me was filled with sorrow to see a ghost in my inbox. The other half was filled with anger that his last words to me were so mundane. He had no idea that he was going to die. It was as much of a surprise to him as it was to all of us that he hit that icy patch on Whalen Station Road. One single car, alone on the highway, wrapped around a telephone pole.
He hadn't hit anyone else, he hadn't hurt anyone's property or anything on his way out, but he did manage to knock out cable for the whole west side of town. He would have like that, I think. More of a fitting tribute than the fussy urn Izzy had picked out.
I clicked on the email and dragged it over to the side, into a folder marked "Save." I never looked through that folder. I just felt comforted knowing that it was there. That my digital memories sat ready for me to run through them, whenever I felt brave enough to venture into them once more. Until then, I'd keep them safe.
A soft knock startled me out of my funk. I looked up to see Madison Keely with her perpetually running nose star
ing across the top of my desk. Which meant that...
"Good morning," her father said softly.
I sat up straighter, smoothing my hand down my skirt and trying to find my smile.
Luke Keely stood in the doorway, smiling back. His light eyes looked bleary, but his ruddy face was cheerful enough.
He was also wearing a red shirt today. A red shirt to go with his red face. Totally the wrong color for him. I smiled for a moment as Claire's loud, drunken manifesto from our last girls' night played out in my head. And they expect us to dress all cute while most of them have no more fashion sense than a toddler!
Jonah definitely knows how to dress though. That thought popped into my head, buzzing around like an annoying mosquito. I reminded myself that a stylist most likely chose his clothes for him, but there was no denying he wore them well.
Poor Luke. You could tell he didn't have a wife at home to act as a stylist for him.
And the way he acted around me, I could tell he was hoping to change that problem. "Morning Maddy!" I cooed to his daughter. "Could you go hang your stuff in your cubby?"
She nodded, all solemn big eyes. "And let's wipe that nose, okay honey?" I told her, handing her a tissue.
"Right," Luke said, patting his pockets. "I never remember to pack Kleenex. Her mom always had them in her purse because she - "
"It's fine," I said, cutting him off before he could launch into the spiel about his ex. Madison's mother apparently was in league with the Devil himself, to hear Luke tell it. I wasn't exactly sure how to tell him that shit-talking about his ex did not make me eager to accept his offers to take me out for drinks after work.
Luckily Luke was quick on the uptake. "Sorry we're a little early today. Maddy decided that four thirty eight was a good time for us to be up and at 'em."
Maybe other schools, in bigger towns, had closed door policies. Maybe other schools in bigger towns had organized drop-off and pick-up times where parents couldn't just wander into the school at all hours and chat up the teachers. But Crown Creek Primary was not that kind of school.
And I wasn't the kind of teacher who could enforce that sort of discipline anyway. With the students, sure. But not the parents. I related a lot better to kids than these people who were supposed to be my peers.
"You're going to be tired, Maddy!" I said brightly, turning away from Luke. "Are you going to have a good day today?"
"Yes, Miss Riley," she mumbled sleepily.
I turned back to Luke who shrugged helplessly, tugging at my heart. He knew I had a soft spot for his kid. "She's been doing really well in spite of the issues at home," I told him. "You're doing a great job."
The corner of his mouth flicked up. "I'd love to hear more about it," he said with a shy smile. "Over drinks?"
I swallowed. I'd been dancing around the idea of going out with Luke Keely since the school year began. Gideon had called him my "ardent swain." He'd joke about bringing a baseball bat with him, fending off my suitors and I laugh and turn red and remind him that he wasn't my father. And then his eyes would get all soft and he'd remind me that nobody could replace him.
I looked down, blinking at the flood of memories. First my real dad, then my surrogate dad. Life seemed determined to deny me father figures.
"Sure," I finally said, remembering that Luke was waiting for an answer. "I'll let you know when it's a good time, okay?"
"Right sure," he said, immediately contrite. "I'm sorry, by the way. Gideon was a good guy."
I couldn't remember ever telling Luke Keely I was friends with Gideon King, but it was a small town. He probably knew way more about me than I wanted him to.
At that, another harried looking parent showed up at my door. Soon my classroom was filling up. Lisbeth, my student teacher showed up right in time to help little kindergartners with giant book bags shrug out of their winter coats and direct muddy boots towards the cubbies.
Outside in the hall, a close knot of solemn looking women in long denim skirts floated past.
Dee, whose classroom was next to mine, appeared in my doorway with a mug of coffee and wide eyes. "You see that?" she stage-whispered, pointing down the hallways.
I leaned out into the hall, unable to keep from staring. The women were all wearing the signature dark, homesewn looking clothes that marked them as part of the breakaway religious sect. "God's Chosen in public schools." I shook my head. "Wow. The district must have caught up with them."
"Their bogus 'homeschooling program' must not have passed state requirements," Dee sniffed. We watched as a few solemn children separated from the equally solemn adults. There was none of the usual bluster and tears from the mothers. I recognized the two hands on the shoulders blessing from running into the Chosen around town. Their community clung to the south end of Crown Creek, on land donated by a rich farmer who'd fallen under the sway of their leader. It was a sad cluster of houses that couldn't possibly be up to code.
But the sight of Chosen was not too surprising, not around town anyway. What was surprising was seeing them here in the schools. "Wonder if the new school board stopped taking the bribes?"
"Dr. Schneider is a stickler and I doubt the threat of eternal damnation is enough to keep her off getting kids an education." I liked our new board director. With her straight across bangs and diminutive stature, she looked more like a high schooler than someone in charge of the high school and I think she relished the startled reaction people gave her when she spoke up. I could only imagine the hell she'd given the Chosen's fussy elders. "Seriously though, they didn't think to tell us? What are we going to do with these kids?"
"I only see five. Hopefully that's it."
"I know. They are not going to fit in. It's going to be tough."
Dee glanced at me. "You doing okay? I'm sorry I couldn't come to the funeral, Kayleigh was throwing up."
"Oh no, again?"
"This place is a petri dish. She's been sick since she started." Dee's daughter was in the other kindergarten class. "I'm just waiting for my turn." She ran her hand down her belly. "Stomach flu is my diet plan these days," she grinned, lifting her shirt to reveal a thin line of toned tummy. Dee was a demon runner.
"Don't let them see you," I whispered, glancing at the knot of Chosen women who were hanging in the hallway, seemingly uncertain about leaving their kids in our heretical care. I lifted my fingers in a tentative wave and was rewarded with tight, cramped smiles. "Your belly is totally sinful. They're gonna pray for your soul," I whispered to Dee.
"Good, I need all the help I can get," Dee grinned. She put her hand on my shoulder. "Gid was an awesome guy. Have you listened to the tapes yet?"
I knew what she meant but I shook my head. "Not since - " I trailed off and blinked, my eyes suddenly filling.
"Of course. Yeah not since he -"
"Right."
"I'm glad he gave them to you though. When you're ready, you can hear him singing any time you want. Pretty cool he wanted to pass his recordings on to you."
I nodded, but the same niggling feeling I'd had since he handed me the box tickled at my brain again. When Gideon had handed me the box full of old tapes and demos, I asked him point blank why he wasn't giving these to his nephews. He'd laughed it off, saying that he could jam with them any time. Make new music just as soon as they got home.
They hadn't come home quick enough. And now the only thing left of his music was in a box in my living room. He'd given it to me, but it felt wrong to hold on to it now that he was gone. But it also felt wrong to bring it over to the Kings. I felt protective, wanting to curl myself over that cardboard box and shield the remnants of Gid left in the world. What if the Kings didn't want it? Or worse, what if they didn't appreciate it the way they should?
I found myself wishing like hell I could run up to the music room and ask Gideon what he thought. He would know the right thing to do, for sure.
Chapter Five
Jonah
I was lying on my too short old bed, scrolling angrily throug
h my phone, reading the reviews of my performance at the Hullabaloo festival in Texas. The critics and bloggers were really falling all over themselves to pile on me while I was down, and I had the perverse drive to read every hastily written take, just so I could go out tomorrow and prove them all wrong. I wasn't used to feeling embarrassed about a show. Panic was licking at the edges of my consciousness, egging me on to go do something. To work harder. To fix this.
"Knock knock!" my mother said softly as she knocked on the half-shut door to my bedroom. And kept knocking on it until the door was all the way open.
Some little bit of leftover muscle memory made me shove the phone back under my pillow, as if she was catching me do something illicit. I relaxed almost as quickly, and leaped to my feet. "Really?" I said, more pleased than I was letting on. "I was going to get that." Then I did a double take. "You folded my underwear too?"
"Nothing I haven't seen before," my mom said with a grin. "You like to forget I wiped your little tushie."
I took the laundry from my mother's hands. It still smelled the same. I tried to keep from inhaling the scent of her detergent into my lungs and then holding my breath forever. It had been a while since someone last took care of me without asking for money in return. "Thanks Mom."
She nodded and brushed her hands off down the front of her sweater. "Well of course." She wrinkled her nose. "I wasn't sure if you even knew how to do laundry."
I laughed. "I would have figured it out. I'm not as helpless as people think I am."
"I know," she said gently. "You're a hard worker, Jojo."
I smiled, feeling like she'd given me something I didn't know I needed. "Thanks." I turned and set the folded laundry directly into my open suitcase.
My mom's eyes followed me. "You're not staying?" she asked, wistful hope hanging around her words, clinging like the smell of fabric softener to my freshly laundered clothes.
I stood back up and let out a deep breath. "Mom, I can't."
