by Marie James
Kincaid is going to be a wreck for the next nine months. His knee is bouncing, not in nervousness but what I assume is eagerness to get back to his woman. Shadow notices too and grins at him around the mouth of his beer.
“Turn that shit off,” Snake urges. “Or play some of his newer stuff at least.”
I turn the music off, having no need for it now that everyone is settling into normal conversation.
“You don’t seem nervous,” I say to Shadow. “I thought men were supposed to be nervous before walking down the aisle.”
“I wouldn’t have asked her if I didn’t want this day to come,” he says his voice marked with nothing but seriousness. “She’s the only person I want, the only woman I’ve ever considered spending the rest of my life with. I’m no fool. There’s no way I’d walk away from someone as amazing as her.”
Kincaid stands and tosses the empty bottle from the single beer he drank with us this evening as if Shadow’s words are having an effect on him as well. “I’m going to hit the sack.”
“Already?” Itchy asks, allowing me the chance to look in his direction without suspicion.
Shadow stands up a second later. “I’m going to go check on Griff.”
My eyes stay on Itchy who follows both of them out with his eyes. I want to kiss the tiny grin on his lips.
“Those guys are suckers,” Snake slurs once he makes sure Kincaid and Shadow are far enough away not to hear him. The tone he says it in is full of envy even though the words are a contradiction. It’s clear Snake is jealous of what the other guys have. “Am I right?”
“More like lucky fuckers,” Itchy mutters.
He catches my eyes for what feels like a flash and an endless moment all at the same time. I can’t help but wonder if Ace would feel the same way if either one of the guys that just walked out were in a same-sex relationship. Would a homosexual relationship be enough to turn his opinion into something less complimentary?
My fingers wrap tighter around the beer bottle in my hands until they ache and turn white from the strain. If I were a good man, a strong man, I’d stand up now and take his mouth with the fierceness I feel in my soul, but I can’t do that. I’m not that man. I’m a coward. I’m terrified of the fallout. I panic each time I catch Kid watching me from across the room, even though he hasn’t even hinted at anything since our trip to Canada a couple of months ago.
“Let’s go to Jake’s.” The harsh mumble from Snake’s mouth echoes too loudly off of the walls around us. He has no volume control when he’s been drinking as heavily as he has.
“Not a chance,” I mutter turning up my beer to my mouth and emptying it.
“Give us a ride, Itchy,” Ace urges.
I watch his face as he refuses to look my way. I hate we have to be like this around everyone. If he’d look over at me, he’d see the pleading in my eyes begging him to stay behind. He’d know exactly how I want tonight to go. Watching Kincaid’s and Shadow’s happiness left me feeling like I lacked something, a tiny hole in my chest that only Itchy is able to fill.
He agrees to take Ace and Snake to Jake’s and never looks my way as he tosses his empty beer bottle into the trash and walks out toward the SUV parked to the side.
I wait, staying behind, alone in the garage until the red taillights disappear down the road. Crickets chirping and the occasional rustling of leaves from tree branches in the wind are all that can be heard. Listening to Shadow tonight, seeing that undying passion and love in his eyes forces me to think, urges me to take a step back and look at my own situation. For the first time since Itchy sucked my cock down his throat all those months ago, I take stock of what I have and the direction I want my life to go.
He’s the only person that comes to mind when I think about my future. Other than the occasional good time, shared with him of course, I don’t picture another woman between us. Our nights are much more fulfilling when it’s only us in the bed.
I don’t know if it’s love, but what I feel for him hasn’t been touched by another person, and I honestly don’t know if it ever will. I can admit that. Now I just need to find the courage to tell the world that I’m pretty sure I want to spend the rest of my own forever with my best friend.
Chapter 27
Itchy
Frustrated hands scrub over my face and down my beard, which only serves to piss me off even more. My hands smell like sex from the hours Snatch and I spent in bliss until he was called away to work on some task Shadow and Kincaid needed help with. We aren’t sent to do shit together anymore. The decision I made to distance us and pretend we hate each other has carried on now for over a year. Nobody in the clubhouse wants more discord than we already present to them, so we never get the chance to hang out other than the stolen moments late at night.
A cool breeze rushes over the empty land behind the clubhouse. The living room looked like an orgy when I finally stopped being pissed about being left alone in my bed. With no interest in joining the fun, I somehow ended up with a couple of beers, sitting alone on the covered back porch. We don’t spend enough time out here if you ask me. The mountains in the distance serve as one amazing backdrop, but most of the guys opt for inside or the garage when they’re trying to get away from the nagging women inside.
The sound of the door knob turning is followed by the soft whine of the screen door hinges, and I immediately regret not going to my room. At least there I’d be left alone.
“Hey.” Khloe’s soft voice is a relief.
Snapper was the one I worried would be coming out to pester me. No clue why I thought it’d be her. Fifteen minutes ago she was being spit-roasted by Ace and Skid on the living room carpet
“Hey,” I return as she sits beside me on the porch swing.
I offer her one of the unopened beers I brought out with me, but the smirk on her lips forces me to realize just how distracted I’ve become.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“I should be the one apologizing.” She shifts her weight, tucking her legs under her. “I wanted to take a break, but one look in the living room was enough to scar me for life.”
“Fuck,” I grumble. “They should take that shit to their rooms.”
I turned around and walked out, which I regret now that Khloe has seen that shit. I should’ve told those horny bastards to move that shit somewhere else, but I was too caught up in my own shit to concern myself with them.
I shake my head. “Kid’s gonna be pissed. Where is he?”
“Not the first time I walked in on something like that, Itchy. I’ll be fine. Kid is off doing something with Shadow and your better half.”
I narrow my eyes but keep my attention directed to the beer in my hands. We’ve been so adamant about keeping our relationship quiet that it’s starting to make people talk. Men who piss each other off, especially us guys in Cerberus would normally just beat the shit out of each other and then go drink some beers. Once best friends, who have had some sort of unexplained falling out that drags on for as long as it has is suspicious.
“When did you know?” Her question is filled with genuine concern, not even taking on the slightest hint of judgment.
I huff a humorless laugh. “When did I know I wasn’t one hundred percent straight? Or when did I know that I was in love with my best friend?”
“Either,” she responds. “Both.”
I turn my eyes to hers, scrutinizing, trying to find out what her intentions are for this out of the blue conversation. I want to talk to her about it all. Hell, I need to talk to someone.
“Tell me, Khloe. When did you figure it out?”
The gentle smile on her face almost pulls one from my own lips.
“You remember the fundraiser you guys had? The one for the soldier? It was the one Kid found me at when I…” she pauses and clears her throat, even after all this time emotional from the events that led up to that day. “When I took those pills?”
“I remember,” I tell her. “I think that was the best and worst day o
f Kid’s life. He’s a lucky fucker to have you, sweetheart.”
“I’m the lucky one,” she whispers, but then gives her head a quick shake. “That’s not why I’m bringing it up. That fundraiser was for my best friend, Alec, who was killed on his first tour.”
I tilt my head in confusion. “I’m not sure I’m following.”
“Alec was gay. What I’m trying to say is I’ve seen the signs for a while. The distance between you two, the looks you give him when you think no one is watching, the anger that follows because you’re not getting what you want.” Her hand rests on top of mine still wrapped around my near empty beer bottle. “Alec was the same way with the guy he was interested in.”
“Is everyone talking about it? Like they already know, but are just choosing not to say anything about it?”
She shrugs. “Couldn’t tell you. I haven’t heard any direct chatter, but you know I keep to Misty and Em. They aren’t really the gossip type. Nearly every one of their conversations is either about Griff or Em’s pregnancy.”
“I hate all of this,” I confide.
“It’s basic creation, Itchy. If he wasn’t born with homosexual tendencies; there’s not much of a chance of you guys being together.”
I nearly laugh at her words. She has no idea what is going on between Snatch and me, but evidently, I’m as transparent as glass since she can read my feelings for him.
“I see,” I agree, doing my best to keep the mirth off of my face and failing miserably.
“Did you tell him and that’s why you guys hate each other now?”
I raise an eyebrow at her, finding her assumptions funny until I see the sadness in her eyes.
“I never saw Snatch as the type of guy who would turn his back on his best friend because of some conflicting feelings. I guess you just never know though. Same goes for racism. People say one thing until they’re faced with diversity, and then their true colors shine through.”
“Khloe.” I place my beer at our feet and take her face in my hands. “Snatch is in no way shape or form homophobic.”
“He’s hurting you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
My thumb sweeps away a tear that was slowly making its way down her cheek. So much empathy and compassion. Kid is seriously one lucky fucker.
“He’s hurting, too,” I confess, knowing she’s a smart girl and will know what I’m saying.
I don’t know how much he’s actually hurting, but I know he wants to spend more time together, just not at the risk of others knowing about us.
“You guys are… together?” Her eyes brighten when I nod my head.
“Kinda,” I say with a grin.
“You guys are scared to come out?”
“He’s not ready,” I explain.
“I’ve never met more loving people than the ones living at this clubhouse.” Her eyes search mine for correction. She doesn’t find any because she’s spot on. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t think anyone will have a problem with it.”
I release her face and pick up a fresh beer. She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know, things I’ve explained to Snatch only to be refused numerous times.
“I take that back,” Khloe says quietly with a quick look at the back door to make sure no one is around. “Some of those club girls get pretty upset when the MC guys announce they’re in committed relationships. Losing two at one time could lead to the cat fight of the century.”
I sputter a laugh around the lip of my beer, even though I know she’s completely serious. The non-committed men in the MC outnumber the women two to one, but Snapper and Gypsy have always been territorial and borderline psychotic when it came to giving up guys they’d staked some ownership over.
“How long have you guys… you know?”
“Darby was sort of the catalyst. She brought out things in both of us, encouraged the relationship. Gave me the courage to act on something I’d been wanting for a long time, but never had the balls to risk.”
She peers off into the distance, looking at nothing now that the sun has finally sunk below the horizon.
“Why so contemplative?” I ask when she sighs loudly but doesn’t speak.
“I’m just… I don’t know. I’m happy for both of you but so terribly saddened that society has somehow managed to taint something as basic as love.”
My heart sinks. “I’m not sure love is what he’s feeling, Khloe. Love is supposed to be strong enough to conquer all, yet he’s too afraid to tell his closest friends.”
“But you love him?”
I nod. “More than I thought I could ever love someone.”
“I’m just playing the devil’s advocate here, but have you told him? Does he know how you feel?”
I laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
“I don’t see anything I just said as being funny,” she huffs.
“Seriously? We may be gay or bisexual men, Khloe, but at the end of the damn day, we’re still men. Men don’t just open up and confess their feelings.”
She glares at me. “False, you misogynistic ass.”
“Fine,” I tell her with indigence. “Give me examples.”
She holds her hand out in front of her, counting on her fingers as she speaks. “Kincaid, Shadow, and Kid. Kid tells me all the time how much he loves me, how much he needs me in his life, how grateful he is every day that he was able to get to me in time before I fell over the rail of the bridge.”
I swallow and stare at her because she’s made a very good point.
“And I’m not trying to be dirty and mean because you know that’s not my thing,” she pauses as her cheeks pink in the soft moonlight. “But Kid is all man and you sitting there saying that men don’t act like that is almost like saying the beautiful words he’s spoken to me, the promises he’s made about our future are nothing but lies and manipulation. And that fucking pisses me off.”
“Fuck,” I mutter.
“Yeah, fuck,” she says. “I can’t tell you what to do, but you’re my friend, and I hate seeing you hurting. It may not work out in the end, but you have to take risks in love.”
I nod. She’s the youngest person at the clubhouse and has somehow managed to be the most insightful.
She stands from the swing and kisses my forehead. Just as she’s about to head back inside, she turns and speaks over her shoulder. “If you don’t want people to stereotype you for who you love and the man you want to be in a relationship with, you have to stop stereotyping yourself. Men love just as fiercely, just as passionately as women. Somedays I wonder if they don’t love harder than we do.”
“Thanks, Khloe,” I say, but the door is already clicking closed.
Chapter 28
Snatch
“How much longer?” My best friend hisses as he paces around my room. “It’s been a year and a half. Will you ever be ready?”
He came at me again this morning, urging me to take the chance of telling everyone that we’re together.
“Keep your fucking voice down,” I whisper yell. “This is a damn clubhouse, not our own house out in the middle of nowhere. You want everyone to hear you?”
“Yes!” he yells even louder. “I want them all to know how much I want to suck your cock. How much I dream about you fucking me. They should know how much I love you!”
His eyes widen almost as much as mine do, but the shock only lasts a few seconds before he’s back on his tirade.
“We shouldn’t have to hide, shouldn’t have to keep secrets.” He shakes his head in frustration when I stand my ground in the middle of the room. “Khloe knows, she’s happy for us.”
He confessed that shit after one too many drinks a few months ago.
“Because you told her,” I argue.
I’m pretty certain he’s going to be bald if he keeps tugging on his hair.
“She told me,” he says with an emphasized finger poking into his own chest. “I didn’t have to say a damn thing. She could tell how much I cared for you.”
I won’t admit out loud that she’s not the only one who has drawn conclusions. The verbal jab from Kid the other day at Dominic’s while we were there dealing with a situation with Makayla comes to mind.
His words stop dead, pacing feet anchor to the floor.
“That’s it isn’t it?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
“What?” I ask genuinely confused.
“It’s all one sided. You don’t feel for me the way I feel for you. I’m a good time, a tight ass to fuck. That’s it, nothing more. It has to be, especially since you’ve never let me fuck your ass.”
My body responds to his words. The memories of the last eighteen months flooding back at the wrong time. My cock thickens and saliva pools in my greedy mouth.
“What?” he sneers. “You think you’re less gay because my fingers are the only things that have been inside of you?”
He’s pissed, that’s apparent, but fuck if I can hold the smile back much longer.
“I got news for you, fucker,” he hisses. “You sucking my dick any chance you get makes you pretty fucking gay.”
I cross my arms over my chest, spreading my legs a few inches farther apart.
“Are you kidding me right now?” His eyes fall to the thick cock growing against the fabric of my boxer briefs. “We’re fighting right now, why the fuck are you hard?”
“Suck my cock,” I command, knowing it’s only going to rile him up even more.
“Not a fucking chance,” he counters, but he’s the one who jumped out of bed this morning ranting about telling everyone. He does this every couple of months, and each time I get closer to giving him what he wants because deep down it’s what I want also.
“Suck my cock or bend over, Itchy. One way or another, I’m coming in that body of yours.”
“No thanks,” he sputters.
My eyes glance from his handsome bearded face to the thick cock bobbing in the open air. At least I had my head on enough this morning to throw fucking underwear on. Fighting in the nude puts me at a disadvantage, but I’m not really complaining at the sight of him right now.
