by C J Murphy
The air evaporated out of Jax’s lungs, as she waited for the coming judgment. All the things Chance said were complimentary. The fear of what she didn’t like nearly froze Jax, as crippling dread moved through her veins like ice forming on a creek in the middle of February. She’s not interested in me anymore. I’m too late.
“It worries me that I don’t see that zest for life, that fire I always saw glowing brightly in your eyes. It’s like one of my old smoke jumper teams parachuted into your fire and dug everything away that could keep a fire burning. The light in your eyes doesn’t seem near as bright.”
Jax focused on Chance’s casted arm, not truly seeing the black wrap, as she digested Chance’s analysis. For the first time in years, someone truly saw her beyond her physical attributes or her occupational endeavors. Chance had taken off the watch face to see what prevented the clock from keeping time. The abrasive grit in the precision gears had worn away their inner workings. She realized that Chance saw her affliction in a way only Uncle Marty had been able to diagnose accurately. He’d described it as a dog that had been starved for food and affection, willing to accept whatever attention its irresponsible family was willing to provide. She was quiet for a long time, afraid to voice her thoughts, until she felt a light touch on her arm.
Chance dipped her head. “Jax, I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?”
The touch was warm and tender; Chance’s thumb rubbed lightly on the inside of her forearm. Jax brought her eyes level with Chance’s warm, gunmetal-blue ones. She brought a hand to Chance’s cheek and used her thumb to trace a shadow under Chance’s eye.
“No, you didn’t say anything wrong. As a matter of fact, you’ve given an accurate portrayal of exactly who I became. Now you know one of the reasons I came back here when I left California. It felt like everything that made up who I truly am had been replaced with who I was expected to be. The real me…the girl who loved to ride in a beat-up pickup truck to the riverbank to spend the day fishing or floating and spend the night in the bed of that same truck…wasn’t good enough, even to myself. The only thing I held on to was the love of horses.”
Chance leaned in closer. “And you think that by coming back here, you can find the woman you were?”
“I think by coming back here, I can wake up the woman I used to be.”
“Like Sleeping Beauty?”
Jax focused on Chance’s lips. “Well, it took something extraordinary to wake her up.” Chance moved in closer, until Jax could smell the mint from the iced tea on her breath.
“It did. True love’s kiss.”
Chance’s face was too close for Jax to focus on anything but her lips. She wanted so badly to feel them on her own. As if granting permission, she tilted her head slightly and leaned it to one side.
“Maybe that will work in this case,” Chance said.
“I’m willing to try if you are.”
Jax moved in until even the slightest movement, on either of their parts, would find them kissing whether they meant to or not. And Jax meant to. She leaned forward until her lips met Chance’s. It was a feather-soft brush at first, hesitant and fleeting. The second was less tentative, with an increase in both intensity and duration. Hunger drove Jax. It had been decades since she’d felt the slightest desire to touch anyone, or to be touched.
Her hand shook with desire and found its way to the side of Chance’s face. She let her fingers slide around the back of the strong neck. Jax groaned in pleasure when she felt Chance mirror her movement. Fingers wove into her hair and pulled her even closer. When her tongue snaked out to enter Chance’s parted lips, she had a flash of a summer evening around a campfire at the riverbank. The same warmth she remembered radiating off the fire was now burning through her body, nearly incinerating her. Somewhere in the haze, she realized the heat had receded, as if she’d backed away from it.
“Jax…”
Jax came back to her senses as the hunger quelled. She sat back and put both hands in her hair. “Holy shit.”
“I’ll second that motion.” Chance met her eyes and reached out her hand. “I want you to understand why I’m slowing this down. I enjoyed the hell out of kissing you. I pulled back, because I want to make sure you’re okay. It’s been a pretty emotional few days. To be honest, I feel like it’s 1984 again. My hands are sweating, and my heart is racing. The same beautiful woman is causing it all.”
“Ditto and I’m right there with you.” Jax rubbed a hand across her eyes. “I detect a but coming.”
“No buts, only a promise. I promise I want more than my libido is telling me I want. I want time with you. Time to get to know you again for who you are now. I also want, no, I need you to know who I am now and how that all came to be.”
Jax tried to process what Chance was saying. It felt like the woman before her was warning her off, while at the same time, telling her that she wanted something more than just a friendship.
“Since I saw you at the rescue operation, I’ve barely been able to think about anything else other than those days from our past. I remember that girl in her bikini top and cut off shorts. When I woke up in ER, I was having a vivid dream of our first night together. I can honestly tell you I think you’re more beautiful now. Back then, you completely stopped my heart from beating. I’m damn sure the woman I’m looking at is capable of even more than that.”
Chris Cornell’s cover of Nothing Compares 2 U floated out of the hidden speakers on the deck. Jax thought about the irony of the song. No one had ever compared to Chance. Jax blushed profusely, remembering the outfit she’d painstakingly picked out in an attempt to seduce Chance. It had worked a great deal better than she’d hoped for back then.
“Chance, I can promise you I don’t look that way in a bikini anymore. You remember me as that nineteen-year-old.” Jax stood and turned away from her and faced the yard. “I may have all the hallmarks of that girl from the past, unfortunately, I’m also battered and bruised.”
“That’s why I dumped a bucket of icy water on both of us. You’re not the only one. I’m battered and bruised too. Jax, those scars aren’t limited to the outside of my body. It’s also likely I’ll have a lot more of them before I take my last breath.”
A flashback of the scars she’d seen on the backside of Chance’s left arm flitted across Jax’s memory. “I’m not afraid of scars, Chance. Are you?”
Jax was turned and pulled into a muscled chest by a well-defined arm. She took her first unrestricted breath in years and melted into the embrace. She wrapped her arms gently around the torso she knew had taken a beating just a few days ago.
Chance nuzzled her hair. “No, I’m not. I want you to truly know who it is you’re thinking of letting down your armor for.”
Jax said nothing, as she absorbed the subtle scent of leather and sweet feed, pure Chance. She melted into the security of the arms around her. “It’s been such a long time since I felt accepted. You make me feel safe to be myself.”
“You can always be yourself with me, Jax. I expect nothing less. I’d like to have a word or two with whoever the hell it was that ever made you believe you weren’t good enough.”
“That list would be too long to even put together.”
Chance pulled back and squinted. “Not Marty, right?”
“After Jennings died, he and Aunt Mary were the only people who made me feel like I mattered.”
“I’m sorry, Jax. I know that had to be devastating. I can’t imagine anyone making you feel unworthy. You deserve better.”
“Well, that’s all water under the bridge. I’ve lived with the judgments of my mother and with what my ex-wife and her family thought of me.” She stepped back from Chance and walked to the edge of the deck.
Chance moved up beside her. “Did you have anything that made you happy all these years?”
“My horses and the endurance racing we participated in. When we were out on a trail, I could lose myself. “
“Well, when my ribs heal up, we’ll have to go
riding, if you don’t mind sharing that time with me?”
Jax turned and placed a soft kiss on Chance’s cheek. “That’s an offer I’d never refuse, after you’re healed up.”
“Yes, doctor.”
Jax leaned on the railing, her arm touching Chance’s. She remembered those summer nights when they’d spend time together doing nothing more than watching the lightning bugs dance in the tall grass. The silence was as reassuring as the strength Chance displayed. Jax felt like she was creating a whole new life for herself with building blocks from the past. She could live with her new reality, one that she sought out and that she would be wholly in charge of. It was time she reclaimed who she was always meant to be. Starting today, she was going to do exactly that.
Chapter Nine
EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, six days from her injury, Chance slowly made her way to the door to let Zeus out. She yawned and looked up to see Sarah standing on the other side of the door with a Tupperware container in her hands.
“Hey you. How are you? Thought you could use breakfast. This will give Maggie a break from being your chief cook and bottle washer. I bring you cinnamon rolls from my best half.”
Chance pushed the door open with her hip. She looked out at the yard to check Zeus. “Your best half makes killer cinnamon rolls. Feel free to drop by with those as often as you’d like.”
“Kristi thought you’d say that. Now tell me the truth, how’re you feeling?” Sarah set the container on the kitchen table. “And don’t bullshit me.”
“Scout’s honor I’m being good, and things seem to be healing up as expected.” Looking at her friend she knew that wouldn’t be enough. “My arm thumps when I let it hang down. As long as I don’t make any quick movements, the ribs don’t bother me too much. Headache is abating, though the light still bothers me. Double vision is clearing out. Now is that enough no-bullshit detail for you?” Chance poured them both a cup of coffee and handed one to Sarah.
“You’re such a pain in my ass. Yes, that’s enough detail. How about we take these out on the deck?”
Chance carried her cup by the handle in her good hand and walked out the French doors. “Sounds good. Zeus is in the yard doing his business.”
“How’s his ear doing?”
“As long as I keep him from shaking his head, pretty good. Doc Hendricks and Jax have been stopping by to take a look at him off and on.”
Sarah took a sip of her coffee and opened the Tupperware container. “Don’t tell my wife I ate one of these. I got the these-are-for-Chance-you-hear-me speech as she held the container out of reach. I swear to Pete, she likes you more than me.”
Chance let out a laugh. “She does like me more, but she loves you. It was good to see Daniel when he stopped by to check on me. You were right. He’s a giant now.” Chance reached out to take Sarah’s hand. “You’re a great mom, you know?”
“Kristi deserves the medal for that one. She raised both of us. She’s got the patience of Job which, as you know, I have very little of. Our twenty-fifth anniversary is coming up, and I’m trying to figure out what to do.”
“I can’t believe you guys have been married that long. Although there are times when I get out of bed that I have no doubt we are that old. It seems like just yesterday you two started dating right before our senior year of high school. When she moved to town, you were hooked from day one.”
“That I was, my friend. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. How I convinced her to be with me is still a mystery. She’d never even thought about being gay until I swept her off her feet. My life was never the same, and twenty-five years later, I’m still as in love with her as I was back then. I will say that my body tells me all the time how old we are. My ankle still swells from where I broke it playing basketball with you.”
Chance rubbed her jaw. “I’m with you there. Some mornings my jaw still aches.”
Sarah laughed. “When you got hurt, Kristi wanted to make you some soup. I ixnayed that immediately.”
With a hand on her stomach, Chance groaned. “No soup, ever again.”
The pair took a seat at the table overlooking the scenery of the valley. “Speaking of our glory days, how is Jax?”
Chance couldn’t have hidden her grin even if she’d wanted to. “We’re a little older and a lot more jaded, but she still sets my heart off on a run of V-tac. She took care of Zeus for me and came to the hospital. And she stayed. That has to mean something doesn’t it?”
“If I remember right, it was a chance meeting that brought you two together all those years ago. You had that horse that got a gash on her flank. Doc Hendricks showed up to take a look at it. When he got out of his truck, he wasn’t alone.”
“I was gone from that moment on.”
“Do you think she’s part of why you and Faith could never make it last?”
Chance stopped midsip and looked at her best friend and the younger sister of her ex-lover. “I’m sorry, Sarah. We’ve been friends for so long that I forget when I talk to you about things like this, it could be seen as disrespectful to her.”
“Chance, I appreciate that, although that’s not what I meant. Faith is happy. I guess what I’m trying to ask is if your feelings for Jax kept you from being truly committed to anyone?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Faith and I first spent time together because of my relationship with you and Kristi. When we started dating, I was with Fish and Wildlife. Things didn’t seem so complicated. After our first few years together, that changed. The issues between us didn’t have to do with my feelings for anyone else. I promise, Sarah, I was all in with Faith. It came down to the fact she couldn’t stand worrying about me every time I went out on a police call or search and rescue. She wanted a life without that stress, and I couldn’t offer it. Jax is an entirely different situation. We’re both pretty beat up in a variety of different ways. She was in a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t value her.”
Chance took another drink and a bite of her cinnamon roll. The two women who’d held her heart for longer than anyone else were as different as where the sun rose and where it set. Trying to compare the two women was impossible. The only thing they held in common was being a doctor, one of human medicine and one of veterinary medicine. Red hair to ebony, blue eyes to ones of the lightest greens Chance had ever seen. Pale skin to…
“Earth to Chance?”
“Huh?”
“You were gone. What were you thinking about?”
“The difference between night and day my friend, night and day.”
Another hour passed, as the two friends checked in with each other after a shared trauma.
“Seeing you lying there on the pavement scared the shit out of me, Chance. I’m not going down the road of trying to tell you not to do what you do. I only ask that when you do it, be as careful as you can. You’re well trained and have reflexes I’d have died for when we were playing basketball. I’m just asking that you be alive long enough to have an opportunity for some real happiness. Kristi and I haven’t made it twenty-five years because it’s been easy, safe, or even comfortable. We’ve made it because we decided life was better together than it was apart.”
Chance nodded in acknowledgment of her words. “I’m not discounting anything you’ve said, my friend, I promise. I really tried with Faith, Sarah. You know me as well as anyone on earth. I really tried. I compromised as much as I could. I cut back with the wildfire group, only going out when they couldn’t get anyone else. I dropped out of the drug task force and turned all of that over to Taylor. I couldn’t stop being who I am. If I’d done that, we’d never have made it as long as we did. I gave her one hundred percent of what I had to give. I never asked her to give up anything except the hope that I’d leave law enforcement. I couldn’t do that Sarah, not for Maggie or Dee, and not for her without being an unhappy bitch. Eventually that unhappiness would have poisoned us. She’s happy now, and for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to
possibilities.”
They sat in comfortable silence for a long time, watching birds on the feeder and a large red squirrel hard at work on an ear of corn jammed on a nail at the rail fence. Zeus sat with his eyes focused on his domain. His head turned to the house when Chance heard the kitchen door open. He stood and wagged his tail, as Maggie made her way onto the porch.
“Good morning, girls. Sarah, good to see you.”
Sarah rose and hugged her. “Nice to see you too, Maggie. How’s Dee?”
Maggie rolled her eyes. “Fighting me tooth and nail on this low-cholesterol diet. Worse than trying to get that one to even try soup.”
Chance covered her eyes. “Again, with the soup!”
“I take that to mean you aren’t interested in any?” Maggie’s grin was infectious.
Sarah laughed as Chance grimaced.
Chance held up a hand in Maggie’s direction like she was stopping traffic. “Not even if you grounded me and made me sit at the table until it was gone. No soup!”
Maggie crossed her arms. “You big baby. How are you by the way?”
“I’m bored. I’m starting to go stir crazy.”
Sarah stood and handed Chance the last cinnamon roll before putting the lid back on the container. “And with that, I’m out of here. Years ago, when she said she was bored, it meant we were about to go climb something or build something. Occasionally, it was build something to climb.” She kissed Maggie on the cheek as she passed.
Chance held up her cinnamon roll. “Tell Kristi thanks for breakfast.”
Sarah snapped her fingers. “Tell her yourself when you come for supper next week after your birthday. Oh, did I forget to mention that was a condition of giving you the cinnamon rolls? Must be getting old. My spawn wants to show off his archery skills for you. Bring Jax if she’s available.”
