by Loretta Lost
He pauses and looks up at me. He places a hand on my knee, and squeezes. “Don’t worry, Scar. I know what I’m doing. I have a good feeling about this.”
“You’re absolutely sure?” I ask him.
He stands up, and places both hands on my knees as he looks into my face. “Absolutely, positively. We’ll make it work, somehow. I promise.”
“Okay,” I say softly, reaching for his tie, and smoothing it with my hands. “I trust you.” I tug on his tie gently, and tilt my head up to kiss him on the lips, but he jerks away from me abruptly.
“What are you doing, Scar? People are looking.”
He gestures to the glass windows of the extremely small office with exorbitant rent.
I look at them with confusion. “So? You already introduce me to everyone as your wife in the business world, so that you’ll seem more grown up and trustworthy.”
“I know. Look, I just need to focus on work right now, okay?” He sits back down at his desk, and begins typing. “I don’t want you to start doing this again.”
“What?” I ask him, hurt. “What’s this?”
“We’ll talk about it later. I just need to work on these budgets.”
I move to the glass door of his office, glancing back at him in confusion. I start to speak, but then I clamp my lips shut. I know that Cole is under a hell of a lot of pressure. Most people our age are just starting university, while we have both graduated and are trying to start a company.
Maybe he’s just stressed, and he’ll be kinder to me when we get home, to our barely-furnished apartment and have a drink together.
Even though we’re both still underaged. No one seemed to notice or care at MIT.
I am sitting on our extremely cheap couch, with my laptop resting on my legs. I am typing away rapidly, trying to design a completely new smart-wiring system, for one of Cole’s buildings that might be getting built, soon. I know that his proposal is in a few days, so I want to produce a really strong abstract of my ideas to contribute to his submission.
The laptop has me so consumed, that I don’t even notice when Cole comes to sit beside me on the couch, and puts the TV on. “Do you want to check out this movie?” he asks with a yawn. “Hancock? It’s supposed to be a really good superhero flick.”
“Sure,” I say, as I keep typing.
He puts the movie on, and after a few seconds, he rests his head on my shoulder. I hesitate in my typing for just a second. Then I ignore it, and continue typing.
“Why don’t you just relax with me, and watch the movie?” Cole asks. “You’ve been working so hard, lately.”
He grasps my rather heavy laptop with only one hand, and moves it away from me, onto the floor. I wish there was a coffee table to put it on, but again, not much furniture yet. My hands extend to my laptop in longing, feeling a bit annoyed about the interruption.
But when Cole snuggles against me, wrapping an arm around my stomach, I am utterly distracted from what I was doing. I try to take a deep breath, and look at the movie, which is actually pretty good. I find myself getting sucked into the storyline, and invested in the characters, when I feel Cole’s hand slowly moving up and down my side, caressing my stomach.
I hold my breath. I try to ignore it, and just watch the movie, which is becoming increasingly romantic.
“It’s so sad,” Cole says. “I wish they could just be together.”
“Me too,” I whisper.
When he nestles closer against my neck, I turn to the side and place a kiss on his cheek. Seeing no adverse reaction from him, I press another kiss directly on his lips. His mouth is soft, and his lips are parted slightly. I pull away, looking into his eyes, searching. I am confused as to why he’s not kissing me back.
“Cole?” I whisper. I shift my body in the couch, turning around to face him so I can put both of my arms around his neck and press my body against his. I place another kiss against his lips, and he finally kisses me back, but I find him grabbing my waist with both of his hands, and pushing me away, basically tossing me down on the other side of the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asks me.
I look at him in shock. “I was kissing you. What’s the problem?”
“You can’t do that, Scar.”
“Why not?” I ask, incredulous.
“It’s not appropriate.”
My eyes grow narrowed. “We’ve kissed like a million times. And we just moved in together.”
“Yes. The same way we’ve always lived together. As foster siblings.”
“Are you kidding me right now? How many foster siblings do you know that move into a one-bedroom apartment?”
“A lot of them, with the prices of housing in California.”
“Did we get two beds? Is one of us going to sleep on the couch?”
He looks away from me, uncomfortably. “We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for ages, Scarlett. It just made practical sense, to save money—because campus housing was so expensive.”
Campus housing, my foot.
“I’m going to get some air. And maybe a real boyfriend.”
“Do whatever you need to do.”
I grab my laptop and purse before storming out of the apartment. Those are the only things I really need. I walk through the parking lot toward my old beat-up Hyundai Elantra. Fishing in my purse for the car keys, I open up the vehicle and crawl inside. Next, I scroll through my flip phone. There are a few people I could ask to stay with, but I don’t really have the energy for socialization.
The only person I want to be near is Cole. I place my laptop and purse in the passenger seat, and crawl over the center console, into the back seat. I curl up into a little ball, and stare into space until I fall asleep.
I wake up to Cole knocking on the car window.
Even though it’s California, the night has gotten pretty chilly.
I find myself shivering violently.
I reach for the lever to wind down the window and open it a crack. “What do you want?”
“Come inside, Scar. It’s freezing.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Are you seriously going to start acting like a petulant teenager now?”
Petulant. I roll the window back up. He continues to yell at me through the glass.
“Look, I’m sorry, Scar. I don’t mean to be so cold, but it’s not a good time. I always said that someday maybe we could consider being together, but not yet. Not yet, okay? Let me get the company up and running properly. Let me get us a proper place for us to live. Maybe then, okay?”
I feel so used. I climb forward into the driver’s seat of my car, and put the key in the ignition. “Then maybe I’ll see you someday!” I shout at Cole, giving him my middle finger. My black nail polish is chipped, which I believe makes my middle finger look even more edgy. It’s quite the aesthetic. “Or maybe someday, I’ll just be fucking gone, living on the other side of the country, with someone who actually wants me, and I’ll never speak to you again. And then maybe you’ll think back to this moment, and realize what a scared, childish asshole you’re being, and really regret not just kissing me on the couch, when you obviously wanted to. You only seem to do that sort of thing—and much more, by the way—when it’s convenient for you.”
“Scarlett!” he yells at me, but I am already reversing away from him, and driving the hell away. I want to drive forever, to get away from this humiliation.
But I know I’ll be back, because I have nowhere else to go.
And he’s everything to me.
“Hey, Scar!” someone shouts from across the parking lot.
I am just stepping out of my car after pulling into work, a little late, because—well, I’ve been making a lot of excuses. But the truth is that I’ve been depressed, and locking myself in the bedroom, and sleeping all day. I’ve been trying to avoid Cole.
When I look across the parking lot, I am happy to see my old friend Levi, driving toward me, intersecting my path with a shiny Harley-Davidson motorcycle
. I smile and wave at him, knowing he just had a job interview with Cole. I expect he is about to leave, but he gets off the bike and walks toward me, to scoop me up in a big hug. He smells like leather and gasoline—the way he always does. It brings back fond memories.
“How’s life treating you, kid?”
“It’s good. I graduated recently, way ahead of schedule. Trying to help Cole with the company. Dating a few guys, but nothing serious.”
“What do you mean, dating? You’re not with Cole?”
I flinch. “Nah. He thinks I’m too young. He feels some kind of responsibility to keep pretending to be my brother. He says he would consider dating me, someday, but not now.”
“But he’s like barely two years older than you. Plus, you guys are married.”
“I know. He says we did it for the money.”
“Did you do it for the money?”
I hesitate. I shrug.
“I went shopping with you for that ring,” Levi says. “I seem to recall you breaking Cole out of prison with the most badass proposal in all of history. How is that not a real marriage?”
“Whatever. I was fourteen. He was sixteen. It paid for us to go to MIT, and that’s all that matters. And he’s my best friend, and he’s always been there for me. I don’t need more from him.”
“But haven’t you guys lived together for years?”
“Yeah.”
“Haven’t you shared a bed?”
“Yeah.”
“Haven’t you had sex?”
I don’t respond.
“Haven’t you kissed? Don’t you find him attractive?”
“What are you asking me, Levi?”
“You know exactly what I’m asking you, Scar. What the fuck is wrong with you two, and why are you lying to yourselves?”
I cower, backing up until I collide with my car. “It’s not my fault,” I whisper. “I tried. He doesn’t want me, like that. Everyone else does, but not him. Everyone over the age of fifty can’t wait to put their hands on me, but not my best friend. Not the person I love. Not my so-called ‘husband’ of five years.”
Levi studies me in shock for a minute. “Damn, Scar.”
“I thought it would be different when I turned eighteen. Once I was legally an adult. Then I turned eighteen for real—my actual birthday, not just my fake identity birthday. He took me out for this lovely dinner. Still nothing. Won’t kiss me, won’t touch me. Now I’m almost nineteen, and I’m still not grown up enough for him.”
“Does he see other people?” Levi asks. “Is he not attracted to you? Are you not his type? Like, is he into blondes with big boobs or something?”
I smile, shaking my head. “He’s only into architecture. He’s basically a monk. Also, I’m kinda blonde under all this black hair dye.”
“Oh, I understand now,” Levi declares, snapping his fingers. “He’s gay!”
“No,” I say with a laugh. “I wish. That would be less embarrassing. But he could love me, he just doesn’t.”
“That’s insane, Scar. Cole loves you more than I’ve ever seen anyone love anyone. Other than maybe my parents.”
“Yeah, but he loves me like a sister,” I say, spitting out the word with distaste. Glancing at Levi’s ridiculous leather pants and jacket, with metal zippers everywhere, I smile. “But that means I’m a free woman. Want to go on a date sometime?”
“I don’t know,” Levi says, brushing his thumb over his goatee as he gazes up and down at my body. “I usually try not to get tangled up with married women. How do the other guys feel about your marital status?”
“They don’t know,” I say with a shrug.
“Are you just trying to use me to make Cole jealous?” Levi asks.
“Wish I could. It won’t work. I tried parading the hottest boys on campus past him, starting with a football player and a member of the swim team. Cole didn’t bat an eyelash. Then, I figured he thought they were too dumb for me to really be serious about them, so I tried dating a mathlete instead, a journalism/poli-sci major who had an internship at the White House, a med student who was doing research on cancer applications, and when all of that didn’t get a rise out of him, his top rival in the architecture program.”
“Damn, girl. You’ve been busy.”
“He doesn’t care,” I say miserably. “Maybe he just actually sees me as his kid sister. Just some stupid little girl. I guess it’s better than some of my past experiences, where being prepubescent made me ultra-attractive. Maybe I’m just past my sexual prime now that I’m of legal age, and even Benjamin wouldn’t want me anymore.”
“I want you,” Levi says softly. “And I’d love to take you out for food. Are you hungry?”
I look at him with surprise. “Always.”
“Good,” Levi says with a grin, handing me his motorcycle helmet. “Then let’s make that idiot really fucking jealous.”
I laugh, looking down at the helmet hesitantly. “I was supposed to help Cole with something.”
“Haven’t you helped him enough? You should try helping yourself for a change. And have a little fun, girl. You never stop working. Cole can survive without you for a few hours.
“Okay,” I say, putting on the helmet and getting behind Levi on the bike. I wrap my arms around his middle, the way he taught me to do years ago, when Cole was in prison.
“Trust me,” Levi says, reaching down and squeezing my thigh. “He’s going to be super pissed. None of those guys were real men. None of them were me.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“That’s also why you couldn’t take them seriously. They might look good on paper. But you have to feel it, you know? You have to feel the chemistry. The raw, animal attraction.”
“I haven’t felt anything like that in a while.”
“Don’t worry,” he says, revving the engine. “I’ll show you.”
When his motorcycle roars to life under me, blasting out of the parking lot so fast that the wind whips my hair around us, I feel weightless and alive. I feel a little excitement begin in the pit of my stomach—and I am fairly certain that he will show me.
Chapter Twenty-One
Staring through my office, window, I watch with anger as Scarlett gets on a motorcycle with my best friend and drives away from the office.
Fuck.
I move over to the desk where I have a bouquet of flowers I bought her, to apologize for my coldness and invite her out on a real date. I grab the flowers and toss them into the trash can, feeling sick about my own stupidity.
Miranda chooses that moment to walk into the room, and she glances at the flowers and tries to ignore them. “You have some meetings scheduled…”
“I know. Miranda, we were going to hire Levi to work here, but maybe we can set him up to handle our distance projects instead, and have him be positioned internationally.”
“To keep him away from Scarlett?”
“He likes to travel.”
“Cole, it’s none of my business…” Miranda begins. “But, uh… you two are acting weird, and it’s affecting your work. Which is my business. Everyone keeps telling me I’m nuts for working with a couple of young kids like you, and I would rather not prove them right. So what’s that all about?” she asks, gesturing to the flowers.
“I haven’t seen her for days,” I explain. “She’s been so angry at me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Because I refuse to kiss her or touch her, every time she tries. I pushed her away once, when we were cuddling in the couch, and she refused to sleep in the bed with me—she actually slept in her car for a few days.”
“That’s kind of understandable,” Miranda comments.
“I apologized and told her she could have the bedroom, and I’d sleep in the couch, and now she literally locks herself in the bedroom all the time and doesn’t come out.”
“So… she’s doing exactly what you asked her to do. Not touching you or showing affection. Avoiding you. Getting on motorcycles with other men?”
<
br /> I inhale sharply, and find myself kicking the trash can with the flowers.
Miranda blinks. “What is the problem, exactly? You have a great girl who’s totally in love with you, who wants to be near you all the time, who has dedicated her life to helping you with your goals. You guys are already married—don’t have to worry about any of that courtship crap. Why are you creating problems, Cole?” Miranda asks.
“She’s just… delicate. I know I can get away with a lot of bullshit, in the way that I treat her. I know that she’ll cling to me, no matter what—and I would never want to hurt her. I’m just scared.”
Miranda nods. “It’s obvious that you’re scared. But if you keep this up, you’re going to lose her. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday. She might only be nineteen, but that girl has been a woman for a goddamn long time. A woman needs to feel loved, Cole. If she’s not getting that from you, she’ll find it elsewhere. Scarlett is pretty fucking amazing.”
“Yeah. She is.”
“Okay. Now I’m done with my dose of motherly advice for the day. About those meetings…”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Are you sure Cole’s not going to be home for a while?” Levi asks, shrugging out of his jacket.
“Yeah. He has meetings scheduled until later.”
“Because we could just take your car somewhere—” Levi suggests.
“This is more comfortable than the car,” I say, reaching for him. When I drag his face down against mine, he kisses me with the hunger that I need. He wastes no time in pushing me down on the couch, and nudging my legs apart so he can press himself against me.
“Damn,” Levi says, when we break the kiss. “I missed you, Scar. You were a cute kid, but look at you all grown up into a sexy little lady.”
“I missed you, too,” I tell him, grasping the hem of his shirt, and pulling it up over his head. He helps me take it off his body, and comes back down for another kiss. I wrap my arms around his torso, enjoying the feeling of his warmth against me. It just takes me away, and soothes me. It makes me feel alive, buzzing with energy, and calm at the same time.
