In addition, John’s friends need to play wingman, and keep Andy’s friends from showing up by plying them with drinks, a late-night breakfast, gambling, sex—whatever it takes to keep them from showing up to rescue their girl, and keep her from doing something she might regret in the morning. And I guess they succeeded, because none of Andy’s other friends show up.
Not that it matters. I’ve never had a problem being the cock blocker.
The waitress comes and we order a round of drinks. Kate and I stick with champagne, Andy orders a Red Square martini, Dawn gets a dirty martini, and John gets a beer.
“Where is everyone?” Andy asks, standing up to scan the crowd.
John gently pulls her back down to the couch. “I’m sure they’ll be here soon,” he says flirtatiously, and it’s at that point that I’m positive no one else is coming.
John leans in to kiss Andy when Kate asks him point-blank, “So, what are your intentions?”
John stops in midair and turns to Kate, confused. “I’m sorry?”
“Well, you’re obviously about to make out with a woman who’s getting married next week. Making out with her is going to seriously mess up her head during what should be one of the happiest weeks of her life. I’m just wondering…are you going to call her all weekend, then blow her off? Or is tonight a one-night stand?”
Kate asked the question liked the interviewer she is—with not a trace of bitterness or judgment—just a genuine curiosity for the truth.
John and Andy both look at her, stunned.
The waitress walks up with our drinks. As she puts them down, John pulls away from Andy and takes out his wallet to buy the round.
“Put that away. Your money’s no good here,” I hear from behind me.
“Excuse me…sir,” John says with utter respect, his eyes wide.
“Drew!” Andy says, slinking back into John’s arms. “We’ve been waiting for you.”
I turn around to see Drew, wide awake, almost sprightly. Jordan, on the other hand, is so drunk he can barely stand up.
If you get a man too drunk, the desire for sex goes up—but nothing else does.
Drew puts his hand on my shoulder. “Charlie, your boyfriend here is a lot of fun. But he cannot hold his liquor.”
“In my defense,” Jordan says, leaning on my chair, “most people cannot go through a fifth of Maker’s Mark in an hour.”
“Come on, that was an appetizer,” Drew maintains. “And didn’t we have those In-N-Out burgers to sober us up?”
“Followed by shots of Jack Daniel’s,” Jordan reminds him.
“That was dessert,” Drew says, smiling at us all. He looks at the waitress. “Can you get us each that Russian beer you guys carry, and charge everything to my room?”
“Of course,” the waitress says with a smile, and leaves.
John stares at Drew, clearly starstruck. If he can remember Dawn from two years ago, I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking now. Drew puts out his hand to him. “Drew Stanton.”
Why is it that famous people always give you their first and last names? Like, if you met Brad Pitt and he said his name was Brad, you’d think, Gosh, what a coincidence—does he know how much he looks like Brad Pitt?
John puts out his hand. “John Gerber. It is an honor to meet you, sir. I’ve seen all your movies.”
“You have?” Drew asks excitedly. He takes a seat right between John and Andy, pushing them to opposite sides of the couch. “So, which one is your favorite?”
“Oh, definitely Marksman,” John says, taking a sip of his beer and forgetting about Andy completely. “You should have gotten the Academy Award for that. You were robbed.”
“I thought the same thing,” Drew says, then puts up his index finger in a mock Sssh. “What did you think of my Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet?”
“The fencing was amazing!” John says, his hands waving around excitedly.
“Thank you. You know I did all the stunts myself. We had this great choreographer—I was fencing for a month. Oh, and the research I did…Did you know much of Italy is built in cul-de-sacs?”
“I didn’t know that,” John says, with the excitement of a college freshman with a crush on the professor.
“Sure. See, that’s why Tybalt says he’s leaving the city, but then comes back—he gets lost!” Drew turns to Andy to include her in the conversation. She stares at him in shock. I’m sure she’s wondering how could he steal her date like this.
The waitress comes with their beers, and hands the bill to Drew to sign.
As Drew autographs the bill, John says to Andy, “I can’t believe you know Drew Stanton, and didn’t even tell me.”
“Why would it have come up?” Andy asks, clearly irritated.
“You know what else I liked?” John says to Drew. “Timber. What was it like to work with Catherine Zeta-Jones?”
“She’s amazing. Beautiful, funny. Love, love, love her husband.”
“Is he as nice as everyone says?” John asks.
“He’s better,” Drew answers.
“You know, you should have at least been nominated for that one,” John says, sounding incredulous that the Academy members could have overlooked such a phenomenal performance by Drew.
“Thank you,” Drew says, turning to Andy. “I love this guy! Hey, do you mind if we steal him for a little while?”
Andy looks at him, horrified, but doesn’t say anything.
“What are you guys up to?” John asks.
“Yeah, what are we up to?” Jordan asks apprehensively, falling into my lap.
Drew ignores Jordan, focusing on his new buddy John. “The concierge told me about this great strip club that doesn’t get hopping until two. Jordan and I are gonna go. Do you want to come along?”
Jordan whispers to me, “He’s not really going to make me go out again, is he?”
“Hey, I’m just happy he’s not dragging me,” I whisper back.
John looks past Drew, over to Andy, who’s now leaning back on the couch with her arms crossed, sulking. “I think I better stay here,” John says, although in a tone that’s full of regret.
“That’s a shame,” Drew says. “We’ve got a fully stocked bar in the limo, and I can get us into the VIP room.”
Dawn abruptly stands up and drains her drink. “Looks like you men still want to party. Why don’t you go with them, John? We girls need to get some sleep.”
Andy stares at Dawn, eyes wide, too stunned to speak.
“Well, if Andy doesn’t mind,” John says, standing up and looking at Andy.
“Why would I mind?” she nearly spits out. “Hey, why hang out with me when you could be getting drunk with a movie star, and getting the VIP treatment from strippers?”
Not missing a beat, Drew kisses Andy on the cheek. “Baby, you’re the greatest.”
Drew jumps up from the couch and hits Jordan on the arm as he walks out of the bar yelling, “Tallyho!”
Jordan nearly falls off my lap. “I’m really growing to hate him.”
He kisses me on the cheek, then drags himself out of the bar, right behind John and Drew.
Kate, Dawn, Andy, and I sit in silence. I take a nervous sip of my drink, and get ready for Andy to start screaming at me about my stupid boss. Instead, she lies down on the couch and says, “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Twenty-Five
When out for a heavy night of drinking, remember—don’t mix grains.
Half an hour later, I am holding up Andy’s hair as she pukes her guts out in our bathroom.
“I am never drinking again,” she vows, then throws up again.
Eventually, she flushes the toilet and lies down on the cold marble floor.
“Do you want me to help you move to the bed?” I ask.
“No. Just leave me here to die.”
“We could put a trash can by your bed in case you need to throw up again,” I suggest.
Andy takes a deep breath. “Tempting.”
There’s a k
nock at the door. I leave the bathroom as Andy gets sick again.
I cross the suite, and open the door to Drew and Jordan.
Drew bounds in. “What did we miss?”
I look past Jordan. Andy’s new buddy John is nowhere in sight.
“Where’s John?” I ask Drew as he and Jordan walk in and I close the door.
“He’s at the strip club,” Drew tells me, walking over to the minibar. “We had a bit of an incident.”
“What happened?” I asked, concerned.
Drew pulls out a mini bottle of Jack Daniel’s. “There was a photographer from Celebrities Uncensored across the street, so we bagged the idea.”
As Drew opens the Jack Daniel’s bottle and takes a swig, I look to Jordan for an explanation. “What did he do?” I ask accusingly.
“Oh, it wasn’t so bad,” Jordan says, falling into a chair. “Drew didn’t want to get out of the limo with sleazy photographer guy there, so instead he called the bouncer over to our window, slipped him a hundred, and asked him if he could take John to the VIP room solo. Then he gave John a thousand dollars in cash, and told him to call his buddies to hang out.”
I sigh, and glare at Drew. “So you just left him there? By himself? With no way to get home?”
Drew finishes off the mini Jack. “No way to get home?” he says, sounding like he’s talking down to me. “I left the guy with a thousand dollars in a VIP room with a bunch of strippers who think he’s friends with Drew Stanton. Getting home is the last thing he wants to do.” Drew stands up, puts his arm around my shoulder, and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, sweetie. But, honestly, you sound like such a girl sometimes.”
“Bring him back!” Andy angrily yells from the bathroom. Then she throws up again.
Drew walks into the bathroom doorway. “I can’t be seen in a place like that,” he says haughtily. “I’m an upstanding citizen in my community.”
I give Jordan a weak smile. “Will you excuse me?”
I push past Drew in the doorway as Andy flushes the toilet again. “Do you need anything?”
“I need you to bring John back,” Andy says, forcing herself to sit up.
Drew sits next to Andy. His voice becomes calm and soothing, like he’s playing a therapist in a film. “So, what’s the deal? Are you having issues about settling down, or is this some grudge fuck kind of thing?”
I yank Drew up by his arm. “I can handle this. Why don’t you go see Dawn?”
“Aw, she’s asleep. Besides,” he says cheerfully, “this is real-life drama. I live for drama. I’m an actor.”
I put out my arm and point to the doorway. “Out!” I say sternly.
Drew looks at Andy, slumped over the toilet, then back at me. Andy, me.
He slowly stands up to walk out.
But then he grabs my hand and leans into me. “I’ll give you another thousand-dollar chip if I can stay,” he whispers.
“No,” I say quietly, hoping Andy can’t hear us.
“Two thousand.”
“Drew…”
“Two thousand dollars, and you can have next week off to help your sister with her wedding.”
I yank Drew out of the bathroom. I’m drunk, I’m worried about my sister, and I’m getting angry. “Now, listen: you are a great boss, and I know you’d like to help, but you cannot put a price on something as private as—”
“Give her three thousand dollars and the week off, and not only can you stay, but I’ll tell you why I want to cheat on my fiancé,” Andy yells from the bathroom.
“Sold!” Drew says, leaving me to go back to Andy.
I walk in after him and watch as he sits down next to Andy, who falls into his arms.
Jordan walks over to me, hands me a small bottle of Evian water for Andy, and mouths, “I’m gonna go.”
I nod as I take the water.
So much for my wild night.
I sit down by the sink, on the cold tile floor, across from Andy and Drew. We’re all silent for a while. I listen to Jordan’s footsteps as he leaves. When the door clicks shut behind him, I say to Andy, “So, what’s up?”
She looks up at me. “You can’t tell Mom.”
“Schyeah. Like that would ever happen.”
Andy puts out her left hand and stares at her one-and-a-half-carat diamond. She smiles the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “Hunter slept with his ex-girlfriend.”
Drew and I exchange worried glances.
“After you got engaged?” Drew asks.
“No. Before. Right before,” Andy says. “Like, the night before. He told me about it the next morning.”
Neither Drew nor I say anything for the longest time. I can’t stand the silence—it seems to go on forever. I open my mouth to speak, but Drew shakes his head and puts his index finger over his mouth as if to say Sssshhhh.
When someone finally does speak, it’s Andy. “He came to my apartment at five in the morning, all teary eyed. He told me what happened, and I broke up with him—right then and there. He begged me to take him back, said he’d do anything to make it up to me, blah, blah, blah, and I said marry me, because I won’t put up with this bullshit from a boyfriend, and now, here we are, the happy couple.”
Whoa. I didn’t say that, but whoa! “So, we’ll call off the wedding,” I say calmly to Andy, like it’s no big deal. “No one has to know why. You’ll just say things didn’t work out.”
Andy nods her head slightly, like of course that’s the thing to do.
Drew looks at me, then looks back at Andy, and announces, “I don’t think she wants to call off the wedding.”
“Of course she does!” I insist. “My sister’s not a doormat. She’s not going to put up with some bastard—”
“He’s right,” Andy interrupts. “I don’t want to call off the wedding. I really want to marry Hunter. I just want this to have never happened.”
Well, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?
“Man, I know just how you feel,” Drew says, shaking his head. “You’re feeling like ‘If I’d just been sexier, or prettier, or smarter, this wouldn’t have happened. More clever maybe. More successful. Something. If I had just been good enough for him, he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else.’”
I can tell from the look on Andy’s face, Drew just nailed how she feels exactly. She cocks her head at him. “I forgot. Your wife left you for another man, didn’t she?”
“Yeah. But she cheated on me with another guy the year before that,” Drew tells her. “And, man, I felt like I must be the most pathetic person in the world when I found out.”
Andy’s eyes begin to water. She wipes a lone tear from her left cheek. “Yeah. And you want to know the really stupid thing? I actually wanted to know all the details. Like somehow, if I knew the when and the where, I could go back and change what happened.”
Drew nods. “I did that. Like it had anything to do with me. ‘Oh, she did it when I was out of town doing reshoots, if only I had brought her with me…’”
“‘If I hadn’t insisted on going to bed early that night…’” Andy continues.
“If I hadn’t sent her to Maui in a five-star hotel bungalow with my best friend, a man who, by all accounts, was a complete dog. I mean, what the hell was I thinking?!” Drew says.
We both stare at Drew. Um…okay.
I lean over and give Andy the bottle of water. “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
Andy shrugs. “Say something to make the hurt go away,” she says weakly.
Drew pulls Andy into his arms and gives her a hug. “Aw, sweetie…hasn’t Hunter said anything to make you feel better?”
“No,” Andy says, starting to tear up again. “He tells me how much he loves me, but it doesn’t make me feel better. He tells me I’m beautiful, I still feel ugly…he tells me how great our future is going to be, and how sorry he is, and how he’s going to make it up to me, and I still feel like I’m going to crumple up into a ball and die.”
A
ndy takes some toilet paper and wipes her eyes. I can tell from the way she’s breathing that she’s doing everything in her power not to cry. “I just wish there was something he could say that would make me feel better. That would make me feel like things are going to be okay.”
Drew blows out a big sigh. He lifts Andy’s chin and puts her face up to his. They lock eyes, and for a second, I’m sure he’s going to kiss her. But, instead, he gives her these words of advice: “If people could unfuck, they’d do it every day.”
Andy looks stunned for a few moments. Eventually, she shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what movie that’s from.”
“It’s not from a movie. It’s something my father once told me. And, believe me, it pertains to more than affairs,” Drew says. “Look, Hunter came to you. Right afterwards. He knew he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life, and he wanted to fix it. He would do anything in the world to make it go away, but he can’t. If he could unfuck, he would.”
Andy takes a moment to process that information. She laughs ever so slightly. “You know, for the first time since the engagement, someone has finally said something that makes me feel like maybe there’s some hope.”
“Good,” Drew says, patting her arm. “Let me tell you something else that’s going to make you feel better. That horrible feeling you have inside right now? The one that’s making you nauseous, that makes you feel so weak you want to crawl into a corner and cry your guts out? It goes away.”
Andy takes a deep breath. “You promise?”
Drew smiles. “I guarantee it. And when you’re celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary with all your kids and grandkids, it’ll be nothing more than a speed bump in your relationship. It might not even occur to you to think about it.”
Andy smiles and kisses him on the cheek. “Thanks.” She looks at me. “Both of you. For listening. I really needed to talk to someone, but I couldn’t. And that just made it worse.”
“Hey, what’s a maid of honor for?” I say.
Andy crawls across the floor and lies on my lap. “I’m really sorry I messed up your night. You can go see Jordan now if you want.”
A Total Waste of Makeup Page 24
