by Alisha Cole
“Yeah, Maggie called out, so I have to fill in. I’m sorry, I wanted today to be just me and you.” She pouts. I assure her that it’s not a big deal, even though I am worried about what my day will look like without her spending it with me.
“You want me to jog back with you to make sure you’re safe?” I ask her, wanting to follow her.
“You don’t need to do that. I’ll be good. You finish your jog, and I will text you when I make it back. I promise,” she says, walking over. Standing on her tippy-toes, she kisses me sweetly, and I don’t want to let her go.
I watch her go, running off back down the way we came. Standing there, I feel lost. This overwhelming feeling of being alone strikes me down. The whispers are back; the voices they eat at me. “Save her…save them… be a hero… be their hero.” My head spins. I stumble to my left into a moss-filled tree. I reach out, searching for her—she’s gone... they are all gone. I am leaning against the tree in a wet pile of leaves as tears descend. I know what this means. I’m sick. I have studied these symptoms for years—schizophrenia. I am getting worse, the voices are getting more commanding, and I am struggling with reality more than what I thought. Settling my head in my hands, I try to fight through the voices to think of what to do.
“James?” I hear Laney call my name and look up. She is dressed in a black satin dress flowing to the ground, her lips are rose red, and she has bloody tears rolling down her pasty-colored face. I close my eyes once and rub them and she is next to me.
“You didn’t save me. Help!” Then she’s gone. She is ripped away, vanishing into thin air.
The world around me closes me into the tree, and I go numb. I wake to my phone vibrating in my pocket.
“Hello?” I stutter out quietly.
“James? Oh my god, are you okay? I have been calling you for hours! Where are you?” Laney screams in the phone, obviously terrified.
“I’m fine, baby. I must have fallen and bumped my head. I am still on the trail. I’m sorry I scared you. I am fine I must have hit my head a little too hard,” I tell her, staring out into the darkened woods. The sun fading behind the clouds makes it even darker than before.
“Oh my god! I am coming to get you. You need to go to the hospital! Give me thirty minutes and I will be there.”
“No, really I’m fine, don’t worry I can call a friend. He’s a doctor. You’re at work, please stay put.” I tell her. I do feel fine, it’s like nothing happened. I am lying next to a tree, soaking wet and freezing, but that’s about it. After I listen to her preaching for another fifteen minutes, she finally gives in and hangs up. Looking down, I check my phone for the time. I was out cold for three hours. Something is wrong, but I don’t know what. I get up, start my playlist over, flip my hood up, and jog home.
I blare the music as loud as I can; I don’t want to think of what happened back there, and I sure as hell don’t want it to happen again. Making it back home, I walk into an empty house. Laney won’t be home for a few more hours. I head upstairs to shower and end up falling asleep after. A little while later, Laney slides in next to me under the blanket, placing her arms around me.
“Did you talk to your friend? How are you feeling?” she questions one after another. I tell her yes and that I am fine. It’s just a small bump on the head. She tries to find the bump and gives up when all she gets is a handful of damp hair. I repeat that it really was just a small one and the swelling went down until she lets it go.
“I bought Chinese—beef and broccoli—if you’re hungry.” She tells me it’s downstairs and we carry ourselves to the kitchen. While we eat she tells me about work. She says she needs a break, that the kids are struggling and don’t want to practice, they just want to complain. Which makes me think about the vacation I have already planned.
“What would you say about taking a trip?” I ask hopeful, and her eyes light up.
“When? Yes, that sounds, absolutely amazing!” She jumps up, placing her arm around me tightly.
“I actually already booked the vacation spot, so I am glad you said yes. Christmas. I wanted to take you somewhere new to make new memories, reconnect, and just relax, you know?”
Squealing in excitement, she lights up like a Christmas tree this time. She goes on and on about how she always wanted to go on vacation but never got to, she never had a break to do it. I ask her what she wants to do for Thanksgiving and she tells me she doesn’t want to anything but stay home and eat food off on me. I can’t agree more.
THANKSGIVING DAY
“Is it done? I mean… it looks done, but I don’t cook. Like at all, or ever,” she asks, and I laugh at her.
“Grab the thermometer over there, and we shall see if we have a cooked bird or if we are gonna eat at the Munch Box for dinner,” I say, laughing. She hits me on the arm. I stick the thermometer in the turkey and it reads 90 degrees—the middle is still frozen. Then I check to see what she has the oven set to and almost fall over from laughing so hard.
“Um…I think we will be eating at the Munch Box for the rest of our lives. You have the temp so high that the outside is well done, but the inside is ice cold… Literally, it’s frozen,” I choke out, and she frowns but quickly tackles me to the floor joining me in the laughing fit. We snatch our coats and hop in the car.
“Hi, my name’s Sarah, I will be taking care of you tonight. Do you know what you would like to drink?” the short blonde asks, holding her notepad. She is talking directly to Laney out of respect and has me searching for a reason why. Maybe her boyfriend left her for someone, or maybe she got called out from another woman for getting too friendly with her boyfriend.
“I will take a Pepsi, no ice, please,” Laney says, giving me a bashful look.
“I will have ice water, please. Nothing else, thank you,” I tell the respectful blonde, opening my menu.
I look up from my menu to find Laney fixated on me. “You okay?”
“I am absolutely perfect. Thank you for being here, James; I don’t know what I would do without you,” she says, extending her hand out to mine across the booth. Every time she says things like this I feel sick, disgusted with myself for what I did. For what I am still doing. What would she do if she knew? Would she still love me for who I am? I try to move past the thoughts and tell her I will be here always. The blonde chick comes back, takes our orders and we wait.
“So Christmas… you wanna go on vacation?” she asks, clearing her throat.
“Yeah, I think it will be fun. Do you want to know where we’re going, or do you want it to be a surprise?”
“Surprise me. I’ve never really been surprised before.” Smiling from ear to ear, she squeals from excitement.
A young guy walks out carrying a tray with five different plates on it and places it on a stand. He places our food in front of us, asking if everything is correct, then leaves. We eat our meal in silence. After we finish and pay the check, I lead her out the door to the car. She seems quiet again so I ask her what’s wrong.
Turning to me, with tears in her eyes, she loses it.
“This is my first Thanksgiving without Lindsay. I don’t want to ruin our Thanksgiving, I really don’t, it’s just that it hurts. It hurts so much.” Leaning into my shoulder, she cries uncontrollably. If she only knew that Lindsay was in my basement. She sees me as her hero, her light. But… I only bring darkness. I am the shadow that looms around from her light. We need to remove Lindsay… Maybe it will make everything better. Now I sound crazy. I can’t just dispose of people like that. After thinking about it, though, it seems like I am capable and that scares the shit out of me.
“Hush, sweet girl, you aren’t ruining anything. You’re allowed to think about her. You don’t have to try and remove her from your thoughts. She was your best friend,” I say as I hold her closer to me. I get her to calm down a little, then ask her about her parents.
“My mom hates me; she lives in Florida. My dad lives California, and I have never talked to him—he left when I was still a baby.�
�� Her mom hates her, and I dig deeper to find out why.
“She always wanted me to be perfect; she wanted me to be her vision of me. I was supposed to go to a college in Florida to become a lawyer.” I didn’t know any of this; I knew I was drawn to her for a reason. Ever since the first day I saw her. It was freshman year in college—I was still invisible to women, including her. She was walking up the stairs as I was going down them. She looked excited, bumping into me. She dropped a piece of paper but was so embarrassed she kept going. I reached down and picked it up—it was for Jake’s show that night. That’s when I took a greater interest in her. I followed her around for months. Jake caught on to my liking of her, though. He took it upon himself to make her his, just like he did when we were in foster care. He’s my best friend, but he is also an asshole who makes everyone else around him miserable.
Laney slowly recovers and her tears dry up. After a few more hiccups and sniffles, she asks me about my family. Instantly, my wall goes up. I don’t talk about my family, and I won’t. There’s no reason to. I became a therapist for a reason. I learned how to control myself, recover, and move on. I tell her they died in a car accident, nothing really to explain. Wrong move—so did Lindsay’s parents, which gets her teary-eyed all over again. The ride home is full of Laney expressing her feelings and me consoling her the best I can. I get anxious a lot when it comes to listening to people bring up their pasts. I want to fix it—I know how it feels to be hurt and in pain.
When we arrive back at the house I make her a cup of hot tea and we curl up on the couch to watch some TV before we go to bed. I focus solely on the show to keep my thoughts at bay. She falls asleep on her side with me wrapped around her. The warmth of her body and the sound of her soft breathing puts me to sleep shortly after.
I wake up the next morning with Laney still in my arms, sweating to the point of the back of my shirt being soaking wet. I try to peel her off me to go to the bathroom for a shower and she stirs awake.
“Good morning, beautiful,” I tell her as she sits up to let me out all the way.
“Good morning.” She smiles. I get up and jump in the shower to start the day. I am standing in the shower, rinsing my hair, when I realize I’m off work for the holidays and have nothing to do today. Laney’s piano should be here so we have to stick around for that. When I get, out I see her standing over the sink, brushing her teeth. I wrap a towel around my waist and join her. When she’s done, she tosses off her clothes from the night before. Her body never gets old. Every time I see her bare ass naked, I get heated. When she steps in the shower, I tell her I will make her an omelet for when she’s done. I make her breakfast and have it ready when she walks in the kitchen.
“You weren’t lying. You’re on top of things today,” she says, kissing me on the cheek before sitting to eat.
“Well, I know that your piano should be here any time. I can’t wait to hear you play.”
She lights up with the biggest smile, and as if on cue, there’s a knock on the door. I head to answer it but she is already there, pushing her way past me in excitement.
“I have an order for Miss…” the delivery guy tries to get out, but Laney cuts him off.
“Me!” she squeals, pushing the door open and attacks the poor guy. I can’t stop laughing at the way she dictates where she wants it placed. The guy gets it unwrapped and set up in no time. Before you know it, we are alone with a large piano in the corner of the living room. She sits down in front of it, silence ringing throughout the room until her finger hits the first key. Soft music fills the emptiness of the house, and it feels comfortable, like nothing else matters when she plays. Watching her glide her fingers across the keys ignites a fire in me, and I visualize something entirely different. In my head she is already naked, lying across the top of the grand piano. Her hair falling around the sides of her face, partly falling over the sides of the piano. She isn’t fingering the keys, but her clit. Sliding her finger lightly between her folds, back and forth with the sleek essence showing on her fingers. It’s as if I’m invisible in her fantasy, not mine. I watch as she licks her plump, flush lips, parting them only to let a moan escape.
When she beats down on the piano, the loud hum breaches my vision, bringing me back to reality. Turning around, she looks at me with a smile on her face.
“Did you like it?” She asks, concerned. Her pouty lip makes me harder.
“I more than liked it. I love how you worked the keys, how you filled up the empty house with such a beautiful tune. And how you made me feel hearing it,” I say, taking a step closer and closer until her back is resting on the keys, causing it to chime. She looks at me, eagerness dancing in her eyes. No longer reluctant, I move to lift her on top. Unbuttoning my pants to make less work for me later, I slide them down and off. She sits patiently, watching my every move. Pushing her back with ease, I lay her down on her back to take her pants off. She lies in her see-through white lace panties, and I can barely contain myself. When my lips touch her ankles and trail the soft torture up her thigh, she whimpers. Foreplay is always the key. Especially with her. She wants to be caressed, loved, and for me to make her forget every single touch of another man. After, she pants and cries out for me to take her and her body is tingling just enough. I do exactly as she asks, and I take her. I flip her onto her stomach, roughly pulling her back off the piano. Her knees briefly bang into the keys, ringing loudly. Once she is on her knees with her hands resting on top and her ass in the air, I move in swiftly. I grip her hair and pull her head back slightly, then place a kiss with a bite on her neck.
“I wanna play your keys; tell me if I am doing it right,” I say just before I thrust into her from behind. Her warmth wraps around my cock, sending jolts into my legs making me numb. I place one hand on her ass cheek and the other on her hip, getting a better grip as I push farther and deeper, making her tighten and swell around me. I reach around and pinch her nipple as she lets out a yelp of pure ecstasy. She is convulsing as I continue to drive it home. When I finish, I fall forward against her back and we sit that way for a few minutes, trying to catch our breath.
“Did you like my tune?” I ask jokingly, receiving a hazy smile. “Nothing could sound as good as what you sound like when you’re reaching climax,” I tell her, making her blush.
She goes to clean up, and I get dressed to go outside and call Jake.
It rings three times before he picks up. “Hey, I will stop by after work Monday. I need to talk to you,” I tell him and I can sense his bad mood.
“Yeah, you need to, man. I am starting to get bored. This chick is no fun, she’s mute and dumb. I don’t know what you want me to do with her, but I know that she isn’t going to last too much longer. She’s not right in the head anymore. She has been talking to herself and won’t even acknowledge us,” he says. I tell him to shut up and just make sure she doesn’t die yet. I really need to figure this shit out. Maybe if we make her death look like an accident or drop her in the river, all this will go away. None of this was a part of the plan. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with Laney. I was only breaking her so I could fix it and be a hero. I’m not a drug addict, but saving people or making them forget things is my fix, but all plans change when love gets involved. We hang up, and I head back in the house to Laney. I find her in the bedroom getting dressed.
“What do we do now? We have all weekend to do whatever you want,” I ask her.
“We could always just do each other all weekend.” She blushes, embarrassing herself from being so blunt. I love when she does this. I tell her we could, or we could go out to the lake to paddle boat around for the day. It doesn’t take too long for her to dash up the stairs to look for warmer clothes.
We pull up to the river an hour later. When we find a parking spot, we get out at the rental shack for our paddle boat. It’s colder today, more than it has been—the wind has a crisp frost to it. She has to be freezing, so I ask her if she would rather save it for spring. She tells me no, she came prepared. S
he’s covered head to toe in sweater material, even her boots have a matching design. I laugh as we set off, placing the paddleboat in the frigid river. I climb in, then hold out my hand to help her. We start paddling away from the dock area. It’s so peaceful—not many people come out when it’s like this. Except fishermen, mostly, and the hunters on the private land in the woods.
“Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just vanish, just pack up, leave work behind, and start over?” She asks, staring off toward the baby ducks following their mom out of the water.
“Sometimes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.”
“Sometimes I think if I never went off to college for music, my mom wouldn’t hate me, and maybe my best friend would still be here.” She turns back to me, asking for a response.
“I think if you never went to college for music you wouldn’t have met me, and Lindsay would still have had an accident. Laney, there’s nothing you could have done to change that. You need to stop feeling guilty for things you never had control of,” I say, grabbing her small hand in mine.
“I love you. I don’t know what it is about you, but I have felt comfortable with you since the first day I met you. You make me feel safe, you protect me from myself, and I don’t think I could ever be back to normal, but being with you comes close.” She says, giving everything she’s got. She never holds back on telling me how she really feels.
I tell her I love her back, not knowing if I will ever be able to give all of myself to her like she does to me. When we pedal back to the dock, she takes a seat on the edge facing toward the water while I go back to the shack to get the deposit back. Coming back, I watch her sitting there still facing the river. The lies are hurting my insides. I want to tell her everything, but then she’d hate me. That’s not a chance I’m willing to take.
“You ready to go?” I ask, sitting down next to her. She nods her head, and I help her up. She seems quiet; this is not the way I planned our day to go. I decide to surprise her by ordering tickets to see a Broadway musical later that night online. Once we get home from the river she says she wants to lay down and take a nap. I put a movie on, sit down, and she lays her head on my lap. I run my fingers through her hair until she passes out. Getting sleepy myself, I set an alarm on my phone and nod off with her.
