Smoke Screen

by Suzanne Ouimet

  “I’m sorry,” he said, after a few minutes, noticing she had become very quiet. “I shouldn’t talk about that old stuff. Things are better now I’m in the Navy. I’ll be somebody now, a member of the United States Navy. That means something, you know? I’ll be a sailor… one of the guys, not ‘just’ an Indian.”

  “Let’s change the subject.” Smiling, he asked cheerfully, “Do you like movies?”

  What a beautiful smile! “Of course. Who doesn’t?” she replied, willing to forgive him. “Did you see ‘Gone With the Wind’? Me and my friends, we went to see that one. It was really shocking. All those war scenes – awful. But, we just loved Scarlet O’Hara. She’s so cheeky.”

  “Yeah. That was a great movie.” Ben, relieved she seemed to have excused his bad mood, continued, “I saw ‘How Green was My Valley’ just before I left. Did you see that one?”

  “The one about the Welsh mining village? Yes we saw that one too. It was excellent.”

  “What about music? You like dancing?” he asked, snapping his fingers to an imaginary tune.

  “I’ve never been dancing. I’d like to though.”

  “Wow! How come?” he exclaimed. “I’m shocked. A girl like you never dancing!”

  “My religion doesn’t allow it.”

  “That’s weird. What kind of religion is that?”

  “Baptist, I guess,” she told him, knowing he wouldn’t have ever heard of the fundamentalist church she attended with her parents. “I wasn’t supposed to go to the movies either, but I finally did. I was pretty sick of staying at home all the time, doing nothing. My parents are pretty strict, so I never told them.”

  “But they’re letting you go to Los Angeles by yourself, aren’t they? That doesn’t sound too strict.”

  “I left without telling them, actually,” she admitted. “They went away to a church conference for a few days and I took my chance to leave, otherwise they’d never let me go. I left them a note though, telling them I was heading for Seattle, which is true but I didn’t mention I was continuing on to California. I’ll let them know later on when I’m settled.”

  “That’s really brave for a girl! I wouldn’t have left home if I hadn’t joined the Navy. How will you live? Do you have a job?”

  Realizing suddenly she was pretty brave, she answered confidentially, “I’m going to stay at a women’s residence when I get there or maybe the Y.W.C.A. if it’s cheaper. And I’ll get a job, maybe work in a drugstore or a restaurant, maybe.”

  “Maybe you’ll become a movie star. You got the looks for it, you know.”

  “That would be pretty exciting. Actually, though, I never thought of it. Mostly I just want to get away from Langdon and my life there. I know California will be wonderful. Can you imagine no winter? I can’t wait to get to the beach, see the Pacific Ocean.”

  “Well, after we get off this bus in Los Angeles, I have to get on another one. I’m going on to San Diego, where I’ll most likely be spending all my time on a ship.”

  “Aren’t you afraid? Going to war, I mean?” she asked him. “Pearl Harbor … so many killed. War is awful. I hate it!”

  “I’m not afraid. I’m looking forward to it. It’ll be something different, something exciting. I’ve never been on a ship either, never really seen the ocean, only Puget Sound. And I want to fight for my country. You’d think I wouldn’t, but I do. I know what you mean about Pearl Harbor, though. I hate the Japs.”

  She was quiet for a minute, wishing he wasn’t leaving her, wasn’t continuing on to San Diego.

  Then he said, as though he’d read her thoughts, “You better look after yourself. I’ve heard it can be pretty dangerous in Los Angeles for girls on their own.”

  “I intend to be very careful. I won’t talk to any boys,” she told him seriously. Then smiling, she added, “Talking to you is okay, because we’re on a bus. What could happen on a bus?”

  “You’d be surprised.” Ben said, giving her a wicked smile and wiggling his fingers, pretended he was going to tickle her. “Hey, when and if I get liberty, I’ll come up to L.A. We’ll go dancing. That’d be fun, don’t you think?”

  “Well, you probably won’t be able to find me. I don’t know where I’ll be living yet.”

  “Don’t worry,” he assured her. “I’ll find you. Don’t forget, I’m an Indian. I can track you down.”

  She laughed. “Well, if you do come to L.A., and you do track me down, then we’ll go out dancing.” She thought it highly unlikely, but was willing to go along with the idea, for now. Would I really go? Then she thought, Hey, this is my new life. I can do whatever I want now. That’s the whole idea. That’s why I left. Even if he never finds me, I can still go dancing. And I will!

  * * *

  He did find her. It took him almost two days of his two weeks liberty, but he finally tracked her down at a YWCA near Venice Beach. She had a job already, working in a lady’s dress shop and had changed her hairstyle. He thought she looked even more like a movie star in the yellow sundress she wore when she met him in the YWCA lobby, her wavy, dark hair cascading over her shoulders. She’d been wearing it pulled back in a ponytail when he’d last seen her.

  All of her off-work time during the next ten days, they spent together. They swam at Long Beach. They roller-skated on the boardwalks. They went to the movies and Ben took her dancing at the ‘Boulevard U.S.O.’ and the ‘Boogie Woogie Club’. They spent hours and hours dancing – she loved it, never wanted to stop. And they fell in love.

  When Ben announced he was being shipped out to the Pacific, now his leave was over, and he might not be back for a long time, they decided to spend the night together. When it was time for him to board the bus to head back to San Diego, they clung to each other, both crying. He promised he’d be back as soon as he could and would find her wherever she was.

  Three weeks later, she learned she was pregnant.

  * * *

  Katia’s best friend at the expensive dress shop (‘Gabe’s Garbs’) where she worked, was the owner of the shop, a Spanish-American dress designer named Gabriel Juarez. Although rather effeminate, his clientele love him. Many of his clients (and consequently Katia’s) were well-known actresses. She had become friends with several of them and hoped they wouldn’t judge her too harshly if and when she told them she was expecting a baby. She worried constantly, had many sleepless nights and often cried herself to sleep, waking up groggy and cranky. She longed for Ben, but never revealed, in her frequent letters to him, that she was expecting. She often considered attending church but kept putting it off. And she never picked up her Bible.

  Finally, about five months along in her pregnancy, Kate realized she was going to have to either quit her job or tell Gabriel about her problem. She hoped he might be able to help her decide what to do. She didn’t feel close enough to anyone else, so it was him or nobody. She couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t seem to tell Ben.

  “Oh, my poor sweet!” Gabe exclaimed when she told him about her condition. “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” she cried miserably, tears running down her cheeks. “I thought you might have some ideas.”

  “What about Ben? Have you told him? Maybe he’ll marry you.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think I want to tell him. For one thing, I don’t want him worrying about me – us, maybe put himself in danger.” Kate suddenly realized that she probably shouldn’t marry Ben, sure her parents would shun her if she married an Indian. She’d often heard them discuss mixed marriages negatively and they never had anything good to say about Indians. “No,” she said, “I don’t think marrying Ben is an option.”

  “Hmmm…. too bad. Your choice, of course, but it’d be the best thing, you know.

  “Let me think now... Obviously it’s too late to have an operation. Besides, we wouldn’t want you to do that anyway, would we?”

  Studying her for a few moments, he finally suggested, “I suppose you could go into one of those church-run unwed mot
her’s homes. I think there’s one run by the Episcopal Church over in Van Nuys. That would be kind of yucky, though, don’t you think? All those preggy, teary-eyed, depressed women! Do you want to keep it or let somebody adopt it?”

  “I don’t know,” she answered tearfully.

  “Well, darlin’, you let me think on this awhile longer. Maybe we can come up with something useful. Just you keep on working until you show too much, then we’ll figure out what to do. Don’t worry about your job. We all love you here. We’ll find something for you to do. Have you told anybody else about this?”

  “No. Not yet. Only you.”

  “Well, let’s just keep this our little secret for now, okay? Hey, maybe I can design some preggy outfits for you! What do you think? Good idea, or what?”

  Katia agreed to keep her condition a secret as long as she could. Having confidence in Gabriel, she knew he’d help her. Anyway, what choice did she have?

  A week or so later, Gabriel came to her and suggested she start telling her everyone she and Ben had gotten married. He gave her a gold band to wear on the third finger of her left hand. Her friends all seemed happy for her, if a bit puzzled and surprised.

  Kate worked up until her eighth month. Gabriel designed some exquisite maternity clothes for her that almost disguised her condition. Some of his expecting Hollywood clients began asking him to design for them, too, which pleased him immensely. But finally he suggested she take time off, until after the birth. “Don’t want it popping out here!” he told her.

  The baby, a little boy, whom she named Carmine (at Gabriel’s suggestion), was born early in 1942. He was a strapping 8-1/2 pounds, with brown eyes and, Kate thought, looked just like Ben.

  Gabriel suggested, while she was still in the hospital, that she and the baby come to live with him and his mother, whom he called Momasita. She could leave the baby in his mother’s charge while she went back to work. She wasn’t really all that comfortable with the idea because Gabriel’s ‘special friend’, Jeremy, lived with him on and off. She didn’t like the man – something about him didn’t seem right. In the end, though, she agreed to move in because she trusted Gabriel and didn’t know what else to do. She had to work. She needed a place to live and she needed someone to look after Carmine.

  Despite feeling she was betraying Ben, when Gabriel suggested she put his name, ‘Juarez’, on Carmine’s birth certificate, as the baby’s father, she agreed. Somehow, it seemed like a condition of his continued support, and she didn’t know what else to do.

  One afternoon, when Carmine was only four months old, she was shocked to see Ben walking into the dress shop, his right arm in a sling. He hadn’t told her was coming.

  “You moved,” he said, as they hugged each other.

  “You’re hurt!” she exclaimed, feeling a little shy and a lot afraid.

  “It’s nothing, really. Just a sprain. Got it in one of the courses.”

  “I moved in with Gabriel’s mother,” she told him. She decided there, on the spot, not to tell him about Carmine. Who am I protecting and why? I should tell him.

  “I’ve only got tonight and tomorrow,” Ben told her. “Let’s go somewhere, Kate. I need to be with you.”

  She readily agreed and after telling Gabriel she was going to take the rest of the day off, she and Ben left.

  Gabriel had protested, “What about Carmine? Are you coming home tonight?”

  She told him she would be back, wouldn’t be late. But she didn’t come into work until the following afternoon after saying goodbye to Ben at the bus station. They had, of course, spent the night together.

  Gabriel was furious with her. “You let us down, Katia!” he told her. “It’s not as if Momasita couldn’t look after the baby—of course she can, but I thought you were more responsible. Carmine cried for you, almost all night. I know what you two were up to. You slept together didn’t you? Suppose you get pregnant again? What about that? Did you even bother to tell Ben about Carmine?” On and on he went.

  “What are people going to think? What’s Jeremy going to say?”

  She apologized and told him it would be all right, she and Ben had been careful. She told him she regretted disappointing him but wasn’t really sorry she’d spent time with Ben. “I may never see him again, you know. And, no, I didn’t tell him about Carmine. I’ll never tell him. Not until he’s home from the war.”

  That night, as she cuddled with Carmine in bed, she told him over and over she would never leave him again. Momasita had seemed a little cool towards her when she arrived home, but said nothing.

  Life continued on as before until, a little over a month later, she knew, despite them having been careful, it wasn’t all right. She was pregnant again. She was frantic. What was she going to do?

  Gabriel was very angry. He trounced around the shop for days, in a vile temper, slamming things down, was often cranky, even to clients. His staff was mystified at his behaviour.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to say to Jeremy,” he railed on at her when he could get her alone. “He’s going to be fuming. Momasita too. Maybe she won’t want to look after two babies. It’s a heavy load for her, you know. She’s not getting any younger. You’re so darned inconsiderate, Kate. Maybe you should get rid of it!” He kept on at her for several days until Kate finally reacted.

  “I’ll move out, Gabe. I’ll get another job,” she told him, tired of his tantrums, fed up with his nagging. “It’s probably best, anyway. I never intended to stay here this long.”

  When she threatened to leave, Gabriel cooled down almost immediately. He apologized, pleaded for her not to be hasty. He didn’t really want her to leave the shop; she was a valuable asset, customers loved her. Sales in the shop had been way up since she’d joined him. She sold more than all the other girls combined. He’d never admit it to her but he didn’t want to lose Carmine either. He loved the little boy almost as though he was his own son, knowing he’d likely never have a biological child. Mollified, he told her he’d smooth things over with Jeremy. She could stay, at least until Ben returned. “But just you see you don’t leave us again. No more overnights!” he warned her. Kate thought that sounded like a threat but didn’t dare protest. What choice do I have? Where else can I go?

  In late 1943, Allesandro was born prematurely. Not as robust as Carmine, he experienced health problems almost from the beginning. He was plagued by asthma, which began when he was three, triggered by emotional issues of some kind. The cause was never discovered. As time went on, Momasita, who seemed to love the two little boys, often complained how tired she was and how badly the little boys behaved.

  Katia never heard from Ben again. But she never lost faith that he would return to her. When the war was finally over, she began looking for him every day, expecting him to show up at any time. He never did. She had days when she felt so disappointed she didn’t think she could stand it. Not having had a letter for some time, she was convinced he was dead. Then she’d think he’d had enough of her and didn’t care any more. She regretted not telling him about his sons in her frequent letters to him. Maybe if he’d known…

  Although very depressed, Kate continued to work in the store and when Gabriel decided to open another shop, he made her Manager. She worked long hours, often coming home exhausted only to find her boys in tears. They always calmed down once she was home with them. She never suspected anything was seriously wrong, thought they just missed her. Things improved somewhat when Carmine started school and when, a year later, Allesandro entered Grade One.

  When Allesandro was seven, he was diagnosed with childhood diabetes. Much care had to be taken with his diet and he had to have insulin shots. Momasita complained it was too much for her and suggested Gabriel let Katia stay home to look after her boys. A huge argument ensued when Gabriel refused. Kate kept working.

  It was around this time she began to notice she seemed abnormally tired, both while she was at work and even at home on her days off. She never felt rested, even when sh
e relaxed all day to compensate for the long hours at work. She took iron pills, other vitamins. Nothing seemed to help. Then one day, while she was bathing, she found a lump in her left breast.

  Beside herself with fear and worry, she thought of nothing else for days. Finally she went to a doctor and after several tests, received confirmation she had advanced breast cancer. Her doctor told her it was too late, recommended surgery, but didn’t think it could be contained. She decided against an operation, told no one about her illness.

  Kate began attending church as often as she was able, realizing that she had neglected her connection to God ever since coming to Los Angeles. She believed she was being punished for not keeping to her faith, for not staying celibate. She prayed she would find an answer to her dilemma.

  After much soul-searching, she decided she’d take the boys, who she now knew were very unhappy at Gabriel’s house and go try to find Ben. She’d go back to Langdon to see her parents, although she’d never written to them as she’d promised she would. They’d be upset with her, she knew, but she felt sure they’d be so happy to see their grandsons they’d forgive her. She’d tell them she had been married to Ben George who’d been killed in the war, but definitely not tell them he was Indian. She’d never tell them she’d been living with a homosexual couple. She knew they’d be extremely angry with her anyway, without revealing the whole truth about what she’d been up to in California. She longed to patch things up with them before she died.

  Kate had to plan very carefully her escape from Gabriel, Jeremy and Momasita, knowing they’d refuse to let her go. She dreaded a confrontation. Gabriel had become very possessive of the boys, continually referring to them as his own. “My boys, this, my boys that,” he was always saying. She was positive he and Jeremy wouldn’t let her take them away. She regretted putting Gabriel’s name on the boys’ birth certificates. Very afraid of Jeremy, who could be nasty and often violent towards Gabriel, she suspected he might have been mistreating her boys. She feared he might even attack her if he found out she was planning to leave.