by Paris Rose
“What exactly are you saying, Christoff? Are things not going well with you and Arianna?” Part of me was legitimately concerned, but deep inside, I selfishly hoped that they had broken up. I was already celebrating inside my head, even though I wasn’t quite sure what Christoff meant.
“I don’t really care to talk about it. I’m sorry it came up. Please, let’s change the subject,” Christoff said gruffly. “How are things with your billionaire?” He smoothly shifted the focus away from himself. His question hit me in the pit of my stomach. I tried to keep my face expressionless, but I think I visibly winced at the discomfort his inquiry caused. I blinked rapidly as I tried to find words. “Obviously not well?” Christoff raised his eyebrow.
“Um…yeah, we broke up,” I responded quietly.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Christoff said, feigning sympathy.
“No, you’re not,” I said incredulously.
“Well what was I supposed to say? Congratulations?” he teased. He tried to smile, but we both were a little on edge.
“I don’t know, Christoff. There really is no right thing to say. I’m just not in a good place right now.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it right now, okay?” My voice came out shrill and tense. I felt myself slipping back into my melancholy abyss.
“Understood.” There was an awkward silence. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was trying to keep my head on straight, but the mention of Trevor rattled me. Christoff was the first to break the silence. “Gia?”
“Yes, Christoff?”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want to pry, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m starting to sense that there is something very wrong. You look different and you’re acting strange. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know if you’re okay. Are you okay, Gia?”
I didn’t know how I wanted to respond. I wanted to be strong, and I really wanted to handle this on my own so that I could regain my independence and get out of the mindset of depending on other people, but I used every ounce of strength I had to free myself from Trevor. I had nothing left. I was just an empty shell struggling to hold myself together. I really needed Christoff, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to know that. “I don’t know Christoff.” I looked away.
“Gia, what do you mean you don’t know? Are you okay or are you not?” Christoff spoke firmly but gently. He wasn’t one for a lot of back and forth. I knew better than to be evasive with him. He liked people to get to the point. I didn’t have any words to explain how I was feeling, so I just shook my head.
“Do you need me to come be with you?”
“I don’t need anything from anyone, Christoff,” I snapped. “That’s how I got into this situation in the first place, being too damn needy.” I was becoming agitated and starting to take it out on Christoff, even though I didn’t mean to.
“Gia, don’t be that way towards me. Cut the crap. Do you want me to come see you or not?” I could hear a profound sense of concern in Christoff’s voice, but I knew he would lose his patience if I continued to be abrasive toward him.
“I don’t know, Christoff, do you want to come see me?”
“Gia, let’s be logical here. Would I offer to come out there if I didn’t want to see you?”
“No.”
“Okay. This is my last time asking you. You look like you could use someone to talk to. I could be out there tomorrow if you want me to be. But I don’t want to be there if you don’t want me to be there. So answer me “yes” or “no,” Gia. Do you want me to come see you or not?”
“Yeah. I could really use some company,” I answered reluctantly. I couldn’t look directly at the screen. I was too distraught. I just stared off into space.
“Are you still in L.A.?”
“No, I moved back to Chicago.”
“Where at in Chicago?”
“I’m back at my old apartment.”
“All right, I’m going to go now so I can take care of some things and get there as soon as possible. Are you going to be all right until I get there?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for reaching out to me, Christoff. I really appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome, Gia. It’s nothing. I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay, talk soon.”
I don’t think Christoff had ever seen me this unhinged before. I was grateful and relieved that he was flying across the world to come be with me when I needed him most. But I was embarrassed over the fact that he would see me at my worst. I thought about going to the salon to get a blow out and going to the store to buy makeup, but I just couldn’t muster the energy or motivation. I wondered how Trevor was doing. I hadn’t heard from him since my first day back in Chicago. He checked to make sure I had gotten in safely, and he said he needed to make a clean break. He went on to say it would hurt too much to have me in his life in any way.
I agreed that cutting each other off completely was for the better. Even though Trevor was no longer in my life, I was still rattled by the fact that even though I’d lived with him for several months, there was still so much about him that I didn’t know. But what was even more alarming was the way that I allowed him to change me. I knew I should give myself credit for leaving him, but for some reason, I felt worthless for allowing him to overstep my boundaries in the first place. And I felt helpless because I didn’t have him there to guide and protect me anymore.
I went to bed confused and distraught. I would have given anything to get out of the funk I was in. As I tossed and turned, I reminded myself that I did have something to be happy about: Christoff.
* * *
Christoff arrived at my apartment at the exact time he said he would be there. He was always so precise and punctual. I basked in the familiarity of his reliability. When I opened the door, he literally took my breath away. He had on a snug navy T-shirt that hugged his statuesque physique perfectly, and it really brought out the cerulean blue tones in his eyes. His ripped stonewashed jeans made him look like such a rock star, and his chocolate brown hair had gotten a bit longer since I’d last seen him. I loved it. I stood there speechless as I took him all in. He looked me up and down before meeting my gaze. If I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I saw his eyes light up.
“Gia, it’s really good to see you. Thanks for allowing me to come here.” Christoff’s tone and demeanor were reserved as usual, but the sound of his voice made my heart skip a beat. He pulled me into his arms and held me in his embrace. The warmth from his body brought me a feeling of peace and solace that I hadn’t felt in months. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed the scent of his spicy musk. It smelled like home. I allowed myself to get lost in him as he squeezed me tightly and stroked my hair. It felt so good to be held.
“It’s good to see you too, Christoff. Thanks for coming.” I buried my face in the broadness of his chest.
After a long while, we finally let go of each other, and I ushered him into the living room and we sat on the couch. “It’s dinner time. Have you eaten yet?” Christoff inquired tenderly.
“No. You?”
“Not yet.”
“Do you feel like going out?”
“No, not really.”
“Well, let’s order delivery for tonight, and if I’m still here tomorrow, I’ll cook for you. How’s that sound?”
“That sounds amazing.”
Christoff and I ate mostly in silence. We didn’t really need to say anything—we just enjoyed being in each other’s company. He talked a bit about some concepts he was thinking about for his band’s next album. I was always intrigued to hear about Christoff’s creative process. And I was especially appreciative of his conversation today, because listening to him talk allowed me to escape from my own troubling thoughts. When we were done eating, Christoff gazed at me intently.
“You know, I really am sorry to see you going through whatever it is you�
�re dealing with right now.” He looked at me affectionately.
“Well, in all honesty, I’m doing much better now that you’re here.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
“So I don’t want to pry too much,” I said. “But when we talked you said you had a rough couple of weeks, too. What’s going on with you? You always hold everything in. You do know you can talk to me, right?”
“Thank you for your concern, Gia, but it’s a sticky issue that I probably shouldn’t be discussing with you, especially since you’re going through your own stuff. I don’t want to dump all my problems on you.”
“Well, I appreciate you flying across the world to be there for me, but I want to be there for you, too. This is a two-way street you know. I can tell you have something on your mind.”
Christoff squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Gia, you’re the last person I should be discussing this with, but something is weighing heavy on me, and I haven’t trusted anyone else enough to talk to them about it. So it’s just been eating me from the inside out.”
“Christoff, go ahead, you can talk to me. And you know I won’t judge you, right?”
“Yes, I know that I can trust you. To be honest, you probably know more about me than anyone else.”
“I’m honored, Christoff. Now what’s going on with you?” It felt good to shift the focus to someone else for a while instead of wallowing in my own problems.
He took a moment before speaking. “Arianna and I broke up. And it was not an easy breakup.”
“Why? What happened? Things seemed to be going so well between you two.” I felt a pang of sympathy for Christoff in the pit of my stomach. As much as I was elated that he was single, it pained me to know that he was not doing well.
“Well, things were going well, but true to form, I managed to fuck things up.”
“Oh, Christoff, what did you do?” I asked in a hushed tone. I placed a supportive hand on his thigh.
“What you and I had last year changed me. It made me a better man. After last summer, I vowed to myself that I would never cheat again. I started putting other people first instead of myself. I was doing so well at being a good person for such a long time. But then, even though I was with Arianna and things were going well, I started to feel lonely. The emptiness inside started to haunt me again. I was so desperate to fill that void that I started to feel the urge to stray. I resisted the temptation, even though it was on the brink of overwhelming me. But the guilt I felt every time I even came close to making a move on another woman was enough to drive me insane. I didn’t want to be that person anymore, but I felt like I couldn’t escape who I was deep inside. When I bumped into you at the charity function, even though we didn’t do anything, I cheated in my mind with you over and over again that night and many nights thereafter. I felt horrible about it. And to add insult to injury, Arianna’s so-called friends were always flirting with me and tempting me beyond belief. It was a bad situation all around. I had to get out, so I left her. And I didn’t want to hurt her, so I really didn’t give her an explanation. She didn’t take it well at all. I tried to do the right thing, but I feel so shitty. I’ve just been in a funk for weeks. And I’ve been missing you like crazy lately, but to be honest, I don’t know if I deserve you. I am so messed up.” I could hear the frustration in Christoff’s voice. I pulled him into my embrace and rubbed the back of his neck as he rested his head against my bosom.
“You're not messed up, Christoff,” I whispered in his ear. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I think you’re a really strong man for the way you handled it.”
He looked up at me. There was a vulnerability in his gaze that I had witnessed only a few times before in all of the time that I’d known him. “Really?”
“Yes, I think you’re amazing.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my chest. I squeezed him and stroked his hair.
“Thank you, Gia. I really needed to hear that.”
“You’re welcome.” I drew strength from knowing that Christoff needed me in this moment as much as I needed him. He wasn’t one to lean on anyone for support, so I was deeply moved by the fact that he trusted me with his vulnerabilities. I held him in silence for a long time.
“Hey, Gia?” He raised his head gingerly.
“Yeah, Christoff?” I gazed down at him, not bothering to withhold the adoration I felt for him from my gaze.
“Tomorrow, do you want to go down to Lake Michigan like old times?” My heart melted as I reminisced on how Christoff and I had first started falling in love with each other last summer at the lake.
“Ohmigawsh! I would love that,” I gasped.
“Yeah, me too. Let’s do it.” Christoff sat up. “I’m going to sleep out here on the couch tonight. If we continue to hold each other for a second longer, one thing is going to lead to another, and as much as I want you, I don’t think that’s a good idea for either of us right now.”
Although part of me admired Christoff’s maturity, deep down inside, I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to sleep in his arms tonight. “Okay, Christoff. Good night.”
“Good night.”
* * *
The next morning, we strolled along the lakeshore path as we admired the picturesque Chicago skyline. After doing a couple of laps, we sat down on my favorite bench where I used to come once a week after work to ponder life. We sat hip to hip. I enjoyed being so close to Christoff. It felt like everything was right in the world.
“You seem to be doing a lot better today than you were yesterday.” Christoff gently caressed my face.
“I guess being with you just has that effect on me.” I smiled at him. He blushed.
“Well, I hate to be the one to rain on your parade, but you do know I can’t stay here forever. As much as I enjoy your company, I do have to get back home eventually.”
“I don’t want you to go,” I whined as I rested my head on Christoff’s shoulder. “Please, could you stay here forever Christoff, and we can both live happily ever after?”
He turned and gazed into my eyes. “As delightful as that sounds, Gia, you and I both know that’s not realistic. Besides, both of us are sorting out so much of our own stuff right now, it wouldn’t be the best time to discuss getting back together.” He spoke gently.
“Even if it’s not realistic, I think I want to be with you forever, Christoff,” I whispered quietly. I couldn’t bear the thought of letting go of him again.
“I won’t live for forever, Gia. I don’t even know what forever means, and you don’t either. Neither one of us can predict the future. That’s why I live for the present moment. I live for the here and now, because that’s the only thing we have that’s for certain. And right now, we’re here together in this moment…in this perfect present moment, so let’s enjoy each other.” He took my hand in his and we interlocked fingers. “Okay?”
“Okay, Christoff.” I gazed into his intense sapphire eyes and saw my past, my present, and my future all at once. No matter what happened, I knew that Christoff and I would always be one in spirit. I nuzzled against him and let the peacefulness of his presence wash over me in our perfect present moment.
THE END
* * *
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