I Was Jane Austen's Best Friend

by Cora Harrison

  But that is just a fairy tale.

  In another minute he’s going to say to one of his friends, ‘I know that girl! I met her walking the streets of Southampton at midnight …’

  And Frank will say, ‘But that’s my cousin …’

  And he will come across the room and talk to Mrs Austen about me …

  Now the music stops and the line breaks up. The laughing, talking girls and their escorts move around the room, taking a glass of wine from the buffet, greeting friends, curtsying to new partners.

  And Captain Thomas Williams starts to walk across the room.

  Sunday, 27 March 1791

  Jane has gone down to the village to see George. Just before she went she said to me, ‘This will give you a chance to write in your journal. You must have plenty to say.’ She didn’t realize that I had been writing half the night already by firelight and now I am so tired that I don’t know how to tell the rest of it properly.

  I’ve done all the easy bits:

  Henry …

  Henry with me …

  Henry with Miss King …

  Two dances with me …

  Four dances with Miss King …

  And my dances?

  Well, one dance with Henry …

  One with little Charles …

  Another with Henry …

  One with Frank …

  One with William Chute …

  One with John Portal …

  One dance wasted, sitting on the sofa with Mrs Austen and her friend Mrs Allen …

  And that leaves two dances.

  And I did dance these two.

  And this is how it happened.

  It was Frank who introduced Captain Williams to his mother. He hurried up after him and made the introductions as well as he could. My heart was thudding, but I had plenty of time to recover as no one looked at me for a few minutes. Luckily Cassandra and Tom Fowle had just joined Mrs Austen and she spent some time introducing them both to Captain Williams and explaining about their recent engagement.

  ‘I hope you will both be very happy.’ These were the first words that I heard him say. I remembered the voice though, velvet-smooth like chocolate. By this time my heart had slowed down and the strange singing in my ears had gone. Now Jane had come over. She looked at Captain Williams with an innocent expression, as if wondering who he was.

  ‘And this is my younger daughter, Jane, and a neighbour, Tom Chute.’

  I was getting the impression that Mrs Austen liked the young captain, or perhaps she was just in a good mood because Henry was still with Miss King, handing her a glass of wine and laughing uproariously at some remark she had just made.

  ‘And this is Jenny Cooper, my niece.’ Mrs Austen sounded very affectionate as she beckoned me forward.

  I curtsied. I did not dare look at him, but from under my eyelashes I saw him bow.

  ‘Miss Cooper.’ He sounded as if he had never seen me before in my life. After a moment I got the courage to look at him.

  He did know me though.

  I knew that by the look in his eyes.

  He has lovely eyes.

  Lovely big, brown eyes, with long black eyelashes …

  ‘Will you do me the pleasure of dancing the next dance with me, Miss Cooper?’ The words were ordinary, but he sounded as if he really did want to dance with me. He bowed with great politeness and held out his arm.

  I curtsied again. I did not feel that I could be sure of my voice if I said anything.

  I felt slightly light-headed as I put my gloved hand on his outstretched arm.

  We took our place in the line. I wondered what to say. I almost felt as if tears would come soon. I gulped and then looked at him.

  ‘Are you enjoying the dance, Miss Cooper?’

  He sounded as though he had never met me before in his life, but I knew better. When I glanced up at him there was a look of amusement in his brown eyes. He must have thought it all very funny. I remember the great shouts of laughter that were coming from the group of naval officers. I thought they were laughing about me, that perhaps he had said to them, ‘Look at that girl over there in the white gown. You’d never guess, but the last time that I saw her she was wandering around the streets, all by herself, at midnight in Southampton.’

  ‘Have you ever been to the Assembly Rooms here before?’ He was doing his best to keep the conversation going, but I had such a lump in my throat that I could say nothing.

  To my horror, I felt a tear trickle from each eye. In another moment I would be crying and I would spoil everything. I didn’t care who I danced with: Frank, Charles, William Chute — anyone except this man that knew my dark secret. Mrs Austen’s words — ‘Men talk together in card rooms and drinking places about girls like that’ — were burning in my ears.

  ‘Miss Cooper.’ His beautiful deep voice was very soft. ‘Don’t look so worried. I won’t tell anyone that I met you before. Let’s just pretend we met for the first time tonight and then we’ll both enjoy the dance.’

  I looked at him doubtfully. There was still a look of amusement, but there was something else also in those brown eyes. I can’t quite describe what that look was. His eyes changed colour a lot. Now they had gone very dark again and they were looking at me steadily. I remember Jane giggling about the expression ‘smouldering eyes’ in a Mrs Radcliffe novel; I had giggled too, but when I looked up into those almost-black eyes, I knew what smouldering meant. I looked down at my fan and then at my shoes. He didn’t seem to want to talk; he seemed just to want to look at me, and the few minutes that we stood together seemed almost like an hour …

  Then I looked up at him a little fearfully and at last he smiled.

  White teeth, a curve of smooth lips … soft brown eyes above the strong bones of his cheeks …

  I had forgotten how broad-shouldered and tall he is, and how protected I had felt when we walked arm in arm at Southampton that night …

  And suddenly I felt happy.

  I remember laughing.

  And he laughed too as we joined hands and danced down to the bottom of the set.

  We were almost like old friends, quite at ease with each other.

  And then we were in a group of four with Jane and Tom Chute.

  ‘He’s certainly very handsome,’ whispered Jane as we linked hands and went around in a circle.

  ‘Do you like him?’ I whispered the next time we met.

  Jane didn’t have time to answer as Tom Chute whirled her around and around. I was looking forward to talking to her after the dance was over, but I didn’t have a chance, because when it was over Captain Williams offered me his arm and escorted me over to the supper table, where I sat down.

  ‘Have some cake,’ he said, and his voice was very gentle. ‘Sweet cake is always good for shock. And it was a bit of a shock for you to see me again, wasn’t it?’

  I smiled gratefully. Charles passed us, giggling happily with thirteen-year-old Anna Lefroy, and gave us a merry wave. I waved back.

  ‘Who’s that? One of your admirers?’ I loved his laugh. There was something about it that made me feel that we were very close to each other. My face flushed at the thought.

  I told him that Charles was my cousin, and I explained how he was so keen to join the navy and how he wants to be a midshipman, just like his brother Frank.

  ‘Well, I hope his parents don’t let him join too early,’ he said seriously. ‘A couple of years ago, I had an eleven-year-old midshipman, called Charles also, by coincidence. He was wished on me by my uncle the admiral, who was friendly with the boy’s mother. I seemed to spend all of his first year with me saving him from sudden death!’

  And then he told me the story of how a Spanish ship attacked his ship and how the Spaniard fired a ball and chain from the cannon and brought down the rigging — block and tackle and all.

  ‘And of course young Charles was standing right underneath it. He was too petrified with fear to move. I barely managed to get myself in the path to deflect it, t
hen stupidly bungled it and took the weight of it on my left shoulder. It would have killed the boy if it had hit his head. As it was …’ Almost automatically his hand went up and rubbed his left shoulder.

  ‘Does it still hurt?’ I had noticed that during the left swings in the dance he had seemed to hold that arm a little stiffly.

  ‘Not much,’ he said briefly. ‘Now, tell me about all of your cousins. I’ve met Frank.’

  So one by one I pointed out all the Austen family to him: Jane laughing with Tom Chute, James being very gallant with Anne Mathew, Henry still with Miss King (funnily enough I didn’t care), Cousin Eliza flirting outrageously with the French gentleman, Cassandra and Tom Fowle talking quietly in a corner, Mrs Austen still on the sofa, of course, and Mr Austen coming out of the card room with a couple of his friends. I didn’t mention my brother, Edward-John, or his wife, Augusta. I didn’t want to think about them.

  What I was thinking about was the story that Captain Williams had told — so lightly and so humorously — painting a picture of himself to be clumsy and stupid for not pushing the rigging away more quickly — rather than making himself a hero for saving a boy’s life.

  ‘Is Jane, Miss Jane … she’s the cousin that you were trying to get help for, isn’t she?’

  I nod. ‘She’s fine now,’ I said. ‘Mrs Austen came immediately. She did get the letter that morning just as you said. Jane recovered once she came home again. I fell ill then, but I recovered very quickly.’

  ‘You were ill?’ He asked the question in a strange sharp voice.

  ‘But I’m well again now.’

  He said nothing, but he lifted my hand and I felt the pressure of his lips on my fingers.

  That was the second time that he had kissed my hand, I thought, remembering how he had done this in Southampton as he left me at the front door of Mrs Cawley’s. There was a strange look in his eyes and it seemed to me that there was almost something like fear in them … or perhaps it was anger …

  But then the fiddles struck up again. It was the boulanger, the last dance of the evening. I couldn’t believe it. If only it were the first!

  ‘This is my favourite dance,’ said Captain Williams when he heard the music. His lovely brown eyes smiled down at me as he took my hand. It was a lively tune and it seemed to bring a smile to every face. Perhaps it was my mood, but I thought that I had never seen everyone look so happy.

  And we set out hand in hand, skipping to the tune, going right down to the bottom of the line and then back up again. Jane was dancing with the Irish cousin of the Lefroys again and they were joking about his coming from a place called Limerick.

  ‘What shocking behaviour,’ she murmured as I paused beside her, marking time with my feet while the men crossed and recrossed the central space. ‘I saw you, you sly creature. I saw you sitting out with your beau and flirting with him.’

  I only laughed. I wasn’t embarrassed. I was feeling too happy. I felt like I haven’t felt since I was about five, I think — just quite carefree and merry and without any responsibilities. But when his turn came to swing me from his left hand I was very careful not to lean outwards and put pressure on his sore shoulder.

  When the dance was over he tucked my arm inside his, reminding me once more of the time we walked together in Southampton, and escorted me over to Mrs Austen. ‘You will permit me to call to see you at Steventon,’ he said, lifting my hand to his lips. Even through my glove I felt the warmth of his mouth.

  And then he took leave of Mrs Austen. She had overheard him, I know, and she invited him very warmly to visit us at Steventon and gave him all sorts of directions so that he would not miss his way.

  Six o’clock on Sunday, 27 March

  And he didn’t come.

  And now it is probably too late.

  After church, Mrs Austen reminded Henry in a sharp tone that he should go and see Miss King.

  ‘Surely you know by now that it is etiquette to enquire after a lady that you danced with at a ball.’

  ‘Enquire what?’ yawned Henry, and put up his hands to defend himself as his mother tried to box his ears.

  ‘Enquire whether she is rested after her exertions at the ball, you big booby.’ Mrs Austen was laughing, but then she glanced at me and glanced at the clock. And a slightly worried look came over her face.

  ‘Where is Captain Williams staying, Jenny?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know, ma’am,’ I said. I didn’t dare mention the word Southampton in case I blushed.

  ‘Do you know, Frank?’ she asked.

  ‘No, I don’t,’ said Frank. He sounded grumpy too. Perhaps everyone is out of sorts after a ball.

  Jane looked at me and I looked at her.

  ‘It’s only one o’clock,’ she whispered.

  But then it was two o’clock …

  Three o’clock …

  Four o’clock …

  And then five o’clock …

  And then six o’clock …

  And then I couldn’t bear it any longer and I slipped upstairs to write in my journal.

  Monday, 28 March 1791

  And Captain Williams didn’t come today either.

  Henry was in a bad mood after dinner. He kept giving short answers to his mother and father and teasing Frank, mocking his adolescent voice that occasionally went high and then very low. Eventually Frank kicked over a chair and stormed out. After a minute I went after him. I felt sorry for him. Frank has a very intense and fiery temperament and hates to be made a fool of.

  There was no sign of him when I got outside so I went into the stables. Frank was there, taking down his saddle, but he was in a thoroughly bad mood, hardly answering when I spoke to him. I cast around for something to say and then told him that Captain Williams had said something about the repairs to Frank’s ship, Perseverance.

  It didn’t work though; he just grunted and busied himself with the straps of his saddle. His back was towards me when he spoke.

  ‘I’ll tell you one thing, Jenny, about your wonderful Captain Williams. All the men say that he is a terrible flirt and that he has a girl in every port, so I wouldn’t trust him too much, if I were you.’

  And then he jumped on his horse and was riding fast down the avenue. I stayed for a few minutes to pat my donkey and then when I turned to go back Henry was behind me.

  I asked him whether he was looking for Frank — I thought that perhaps he had come to apologize, but Henry shook his head.

  ‘What would I want that overgrown hobbledehoy for?’ He said the words so scornfully that I felt even more sorry for Frank. I know what it feels like to be half grown-up and it’s not a comfortable feeling. Eleven-year-old Charles was much happier than Frank. He never worried about how he looked or what he sounded like. Frank did, I know. I understand that because I am always remembering things that I said and then blushing as I think I probably sounded silly.

  ‘Poor Frank,’ I said aloud.

  ‘You’re so sweet, Jenny; it’s like you to worry about everyone.’ Now he was holding my hand and squeezing my fingers very gently.

  Love is a funny thing. Two days ago I would almost have fainted with delight to be next to Henry in the dim light of the stables, to have him standing so very close to me, my hand in his and his other arm going around my waist.

  But now …

  But now, I felt nothing.

  That’s not quite true …

  If I think back carefully, I felt embarrassed and I wanted to get away from him.

  I had fallen completely out of love with Henry …

  ‘You’d better go to see Miss King,’ I said, taking a step backwards as I saw him bend his head. I wasn’t going to allow him to kiss me on the cheek again.

  ‘Are you jealous, little Jenny?’ Henry’s voice was warm and teasing, the sort of voice that would have given me goose pimples two days ago.

  ‘No.’ I can still hear the way I said that ‘no’ and I think it sounded quite right. It sounded as though I didn’t care for him, a
nd that was right also. ‘She’s just right for you.’ I said the words as if I were his mother.

  He laughed then, but the laugh didn’t seem natural; he sounded a bit uncomfortable.

  ‘I’d better go; I have some tasks to do.’ Again, to my surprise, the words came out smoothly and I managed to move away from him as I said it. He followed me and again tried to put his arm around me.

  ‘Excuse me, Henry.’ I stole a quick look at him when I said that and I saw that he looked quite taken aback. I know that I sounded brisk, just as if he were Charles getting in my way.

  And then I didn’t look at Henry any more, just went straight through the yard, in through the back door, up the stairs. Once I reached our bedroom, I took out my journal and unlocked it.

  But then I thought about Frank’s words. Is it really true that Captain Williams has a girl in every port? I wish I knew.

  Perhaps that is why he hasn’t come to see me.

  Or perhaps he thought I was just boring and stupid.

  Jane has just come in and I told her about what Frank said and we discussed why Captain Williams has not called on me when he said that he was going to.

  ‘That’s interesting about having a girl in every port,’ said Jane thoughtfully. ‘I wonder, does he get their names muddled? That would make a good story.’ And then she saw my expression, I suppose, because she quickly told me that she was only joking and that she didn’t think that Captain Williams looked like that sort of man at all.

  ‘I was looking at him when he was dancing with you,’ she said, ‘and he wasn’t looking at anyone else — just at you.’

  ‘I wish I knew what to do now.’ I felt so depressed that I think I was near to tears.

  ‘I’ll go and fetch Eliza,’ said Jane, and she was gone before I could call her back. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to discuss the matter with Eliza, but when she came she was very kind and very reassuring, talking about all the duties that naval captains have and the emergencies that might have arisen.