Roger goes back and brings in a flight bag, and closes the front door.
I’ll just check.
He opens the door to the service quarters. Vicki gazes round.
Roger Hello? Anyone at home?
Closes the door.
No, there’s no one here. So what do you think?
Vicki Great. And this is all yours?
Roger Just a little shack in the woods, really. Converted posset mill. Sixteenth-century.
Vicki It must have cost a bomb.
Roger Well, one has to have somewhere to entertain one’s business associates. Someone coming at four o’clock, in fact. Arab sheikh. Oil. You know.
Vicki Right. And I’ve got to get those files to our Basingstoke office by four.
Roger Yes, we’ll only just manage to fit it in. I mean, we’ll only just do it. I mean …
Vicki Right, then.
Roger (putting down the box and opening the flight bag) We won’t bother to chill the champagne.
Vicki All these doors!
Roger Oh, only a handful, really. (He opens the various doors one after another to demonstrate) Study… Kitchen … And a self-contained service flat for the housekeeper.
Vicki Terrific. And which one’s the … ?
Roger What?
Vicki You know …
Roger The usual offices? Through here. (He opens the downstairs bathroom door for her)
Vicki Fantastic.
Exit Vicki into the bathroom.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study, without the newspaper.
Mrs Clackett Now I’ve lost the sardines …
Mutual surprise. Roger closes the door to the bathroom and slips the champagne back into the bag.
Roger I’m sorry. I thought there was no one here.
Mrs Clackett I’m not here. I’m off, only it’s the royal you know, where they wear those hats, and they’re all covered in fruit, and who are you?
Roger I’m from the agents.
Mrs Clackett From the agents?
Roger Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.
Mrs Clackett Oh. Which one are you, then? Squire, Squire, Hackham, or Dudley?
Roger I’m Tramplemain.
Mrs Clackett Walking in here as if you owned the place! I thought you was a burglar.
Roger No, I just dropped in to … go into a few things …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it.
Well, to check some of the measurements …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it.
Do one or two odd jobs …
The bathroom door opens. Roger closes it.
Oh, and a client. I’m showing a prospective tenant over the house.
The bathroom door opens.
Vicki What’s wrong with this door?
Roger closes it.
Roger She’s thinking of renting it. Her interest is definitely aroused.
Enter Vicki from bathroom.
Vicki That’s not the bedroom.
Roger The bedroom? No, that’s the downstairs bathroom and WC suite. And this is the housekeeper, Mrs Crockett.
Mrs Clackett Clackett, dear, Clackett.
Vicki Oh. Hi.
Roger She’s not really here.
Mrs Clackett Only it’s the royal, you know, with the hats.
Roger (to Mrs Clackett) Don’t worry about us.
Mrs Clackett (picks up the sardines) I’ll have the sound on low.
Roger We’ll just inspect the house.
Mrs Clackett Only now I’ve lost the newspaper.
Exit Mrs Clackett into the study, carrying the sardines.
Only she leaves them behind.
Lloyd Sardines!
Roger I’m sorry about this.
Vicki That’s all right. We don’t want the television, do we?
Lloyd Sardines!
Enter Dotty from the study.
Dotty I’ve forgotten the sardines.
Garry Lloyd! These sardines! They’re driving us all mad!
Lloyd Something wrong with the sardines? Poppy!
Garry There’s four plates of sardines coming on in Act One alone! They go here, they go there. She takes them – I take them. (To Brooke.) I mean, don’t you feel, you know?
Brooke (elsewhere again) Sorry?
Garry The sardines.
Brooke What sardines?
Enter Poppy , the assistant stage manager, from the wings.
Poppy Change the sardines?
Lloyd Make it four grilled turbot. Off the bone.
Garry (to Lloyd) OK, it’s all right for you. You’re sitting out there. We’re up here. We’ve got to do it. Plus we’ve got bags, we’ve got boxes. Plus doors. Plus words. You know what I mean?
Dotty We’re not getting at you, Poppy, love. We think the sardines are lovely.
Garry I’m just trying to, you know.
Lloyd So what do you want to change, Garry? The bags? The boxes? The doors?
Dotty We can’t start changing things now, love!
Garry I’m just saying. Words. Doors. Bags. Boxes. Sardines. Us. OK? I’ve made my point?
Lloyd You certainly have, Garry. Got that, Poppy?
Poppy Um. Well.
Lloyd Right. On we go. From Dotty’s exit. And Poppy …
Poppy Yes?
Lloyd Don’t let this happen again.
Poppy Oh. No.
Exit Poppy into the wings.
Garry Sorry, Lloyd. I just thought we ought to, do you know what I mean?
Lloyd Of course.
Garry Better out than, you know.
Lloyd Much better. As long as Dotty’s happy.
Dotty Absolutely happy, Lloyd, my love.
She goes to the study door.
Lloyd Will you do something for me then, Dotty, my precious?
Dotty Anything, Lloyd, my sweet.
Lloyd Take the sardines off with you.
Exit Mrs Clackett into study, carrying the sardines.
Roger I’m sorry about this.
Vicki That’s all right. We don’t want the television, do we?
Roger Only she’s been in the family for generations.
Vicki Great. Come on, then. (She starts upstairs) I’ve got to be in Basingstoke by four.
Roger Perhaps we should just have a glass of champagne.
Vicki We’ll take it up with us.
Roger Yes. Well …
Vicki And don’t let my files out of sight.
Roger No. Only …
Vicki What?
Roger Well …
Vicki Her?
Roger She has been in the family for generations.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the study, with the newspaper but without the sardines.
Mrs Clackett Sardines … Sardines … It’s not for me to say, of course, dear, only I will just say this: don’t think twice about it – take the plunge. You’ll really enjoy it here.
Vicki Oh. Great.
Mrs Clackett (to Roger) Won’t she, love?
Roger Yes. Well. Yes!
Mrs Clackett (to Vicki) And we’ll enjoy having you. (To Roger.) Won’t we, love?
Roger Oh. Well.
Vicki Terrific.
Mrs Clackett Sardines, sardines. Can’t put your feet up on an empty stomach, can you.
Exit Mrs Clackett to service quarters.
Vicki You see? She thinks it’s great. She’s even making us sardines!
Roger Well …
Vicki I think she’s terrific.
Roger Terrific.
Vicki So which way?
Roger (picking up the bags) All right. Before she comes back with the sardines.
Vicki Up here?
Roger Yes, yes.
Vicki In here?
Roger Yes, yes, yes.
Exeunt Roger and Vicki into mezzanine bathroom.
Vicki (off) It’s another bathroom.
They reappear.
Roger No, no, no.
Vicki Always trying to get me into bathrooms.
Roger I mean i
n here.
He nods at the next door – the first along the gallery. Vicki leads the way in. Roger follows.
Vicki Oh, black sheets! (She produces one)
Roger It’s the airing cupboard. (He throws the sheet back) This one, this one.
He drops the bag and box, and struggles nervously to open the second door along the gallery, the bedroom.
Vicki Oh, you’re in a real state! You can’t even get the door open.
Exeunt Roger and Vicki into the bedroom.
Only they can’t, because the bedroom door won’t open.
The sound of a key in the lock, and the front door opens. On the doorstep stands Philip , carrying a cardboard box. He is in his forties, with a deep suntan, and writes attractive new plays with a charming period atmosphere.
Philip … No, it’s Mrs Clackett’s afternoon off, remember.
Lloyd Hold it.
Enter Flavia , carrying a flight bag like Roger’s. She is in her thirties, the perfect companion piece to the above.
Lloyd Hold it.
Philip We’ve got the place entirely to ourselves.
Philip closes the door.
Only the door won’t stay closed. A pause, while Garry struggles to open the door upstairs, and Frederick struggles to close the door downstairs.
Lloyd And God said, Hold it. And they held it. And God saw that it was terrible.
Garry (to Frederick and Belinda, the actor and actress playing Philip and Flavia) Sorry, loves, this door won’t open.
Belinda Sorry, love, this door won’t close.
Lloyd And God said, ‘Poppy!’
Frederick Sorry, everyone. Am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.
Belinda Freddie, my sweet, you’re doing it perfectly.
Frederick As long as it’s not me that’s broken it.
Enter Poppy from the wings.
Lloyd And there was Poppy. And God said, Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors.
Exit Poppy into the wings.
Belinda Oh, I love technicals!
Garry She loves technicals! (Fondly) Isn’t she just, I mean, honestly, she loves technicals! Dotty! Where’s Dotty?
Belinda Everyone’s always so nice to everyone.
Garry Oh! Isn’t she just, I mean, she really is, isn’t she.
Enter Dotty from the service quarters.
Garry (to Dotty) Belinda’s being all, you know.
Belinda But Freddie, my precious, don’t you like a nice all-night technical?
Frederick The only thing I like about technicals is you get a chance to sit on the furniture. (He sits)
Belinda Oh, Freddie, my precious! It’s lovely to see you cheering up and making jokes.
She sits beside him and embraces him.
Frederick Oh, was that a joke?
Belinda This is such a lovely company to work with. It’s such a happy company.
Dotty Wait till we’ve got to Stockton-on-Tees in twelve weeks time.
Belinda(sits) Are you all right, Lloyd, my precious?
Lloyd I’m starting to know what God felt like when he sat out there in the darkness creating the world. (He takes a pill)
Belinda What did he feel like, Lloyd, my love?
Lloyd Very pleased he’d taken his Valium.
Belinda He had six days, of course. We’ve only got six hours.
Lloyd And God said, ‘Where the fuck is Tim?’
Enter from the wings Tim , the company stage manager. He is exhausted.
Lloyd And there the fuck was Tim. And God said, ‘Let there be doors, that open when they open, and close when they close.’
Tim Do something?
Lloyd Doors.
Tim I was doing the front of house.
Lloyd Doors.
Tim Doors?
Lloyd Tim, are you fully awake?
Belinda Lloyd, he has been putting the set up all weekend.
Lloyd You’re not trying to do too much, are you, Tim?
Belinda Tim, my love, this door won’t close.
Garry And the bedroom won’t, you know.
Tim Oh, right. (He sets to work on the doors)
Belinda (to Lloyd) He hasn’t been to bed for forty-eight hours.
Lloyd Don’t worry, Tim. Only another twenty-four hours, and it’ll be the end of the day.
Lloyd comes up on stage.
Belinda Oh, look, he’s come down to earth amongst us.
Lloyd Listen. Since we’ve stopped anyway. OK, it took two days to get the set up, so we shan’t have time for a dress rehearsal. Don’t worry. Think of the first night as a dress rehearsal. If we can just get through the play once tonight for doors and sardines. That’s what it’s all about. Doors and sardines. Getting on – getting off. Getting the sardines on - getting the sardines off. That’s farce. That’s the theatre. That’s life.
Belinda Oh, Lloyd, you’re so deep.
Lloyd So just keep going. Bang, bang, bang. Bang you’re on. Bang you’ve said it. Bang you’re off. And everything will be perfectly … where’s Selsdon?
Belinda Oh no!
Garry Not already?
Belinda Selsdon!
Garry Selsdon!
Lloyd Poppy!
Dotty (to Lloyd) I thought he was in front, with you?
Lloyd I thought he was round the back, with you?
Enter Poppy from the wings.
Lloyd Is Mr Mowbray in his dressing-room?
Exit Poppy into the wings.
Frederick Oh, I don’t think he would. Not at a technical. (To Brooke.) Would he?
Brooke Would who?
Garry Selsdon. We can’t find him!
Frederick I’m sure he wouldn’t. Not at a technical.
Dotty Half a chance, he would.
Brooke Would what?
Garry, Dotty and Lloyd make gestures to her of tipping a glass, or raising the elbow, or screwing the nose.
Belinda Now come on, my sweets, be fair! We don’t know.
Frederick Let’s not jump to any conclusions.
Lloyd Let’s just get the understudy dressed. Tim!
Tim Yes?
Lloyd Hurry up with those doors. You’re going on as the Burglar.
Tim Oh. Right.
Dotty He shouldn’t have been out of sight! I said, he must never be out of sight!
Belinda He’s been as good as gold all the way through rehearsals.
Garry Yes, because in the rehearsal room it was all, I don’t know, but there we were, do you know what I mean?
Lloyd There was no set. You could see everyone.
Garry And here it’s all, you know.
Lloyd Split into two. There’s a front and a back. And instantly we’ve lost him.
Enter Poppy from the wings.
Poppy He’s not in the dressing-room.
Dotty You’ve looked in the lavatories?
Poppy Yes.
Dotty And the scenery dock and the prop room and the paint store?
Poppy Yes.
Frederick (to Dotty) You’ve worked with him before, of course.
Lloyd (to Poppy) Ring the police.
Exit Poppy into the wings.
Lloyd (to Tim) Finished the doors? Right, get the Burglar gear on.
Exit Tim into the wings.
Enter Selsdon Mowbray from the back of the stalls. He is in his seventies and is wearing his Burglar gear. He comes down the aisle during the following dialogue and stands in front of the stage, watching everyone on it.
Lloyd I’m sorry, Dotty, my love.
Dotty No, it’s my fault, Lloyd, my love.
Lloyd I cast him.
Dotty ‘Let’s give him one last chance,’ I said. ‘One last chance!’ I mean, what can you do? We were in weekly rep together in Peebles.
Garry (to Dotty) It’s my fault, my precious. I shouldn’t have let you. This tour for her isn’t just, do you know what I mean? This is her life savings!
Lloyd We know that, Garry, love.
Belin
da puts a hand on Dotty ’s arm.
Dotty I’m not trying to make my fortune.
Frederick Of course you’re not, Dotty.
Dotty I just wanted to put a little something by.
Belinda We know, love.
Garry Just something to buy a little house that she could, I mean, come on, that’s not so much to ask.
Brooke puts a hand to her eye.
Belinda (to Brooke) Don’t you cry, my sweet! It’s not your fault!
Brook No, I’ve got something behind my lens.
Frederick Yes, you couldn’t expect Brooke to keep anyone in sight.
Dotty (pointing at Selsdon without seeing him) But he was standing right there in the stalls before we started! I saw him!
Brooke Who are we talking about now?
Belinda It’s all right, my sweet. We know you can’t see anything.
Brooke You mean Selsdon? I’m not blind. I can see Selsdon.
They all turn and see him.
Belinda Selsdon!
Garry Oh my God, he’s here all the time!
Lloyd Standing there like Hamlet’s father.
Frederick My word, Selsdon, you gave us a surprise. We thought you were … We thought you were … not there.
Dotty Where have you been, Selsdon?
Belinda Are you all right, Selsdon?
Lloyd Speak to us!
Selsdon Is it a party?
Belinda ‘Is it a party?’!
Selsdon Is it? How killing! I got it into my head there was going to be a rehearsal. (He goes up on to the stage.) I was having a little postprandial snooze at the back of the stalls so as to be ready for the rehearsal.
Belinda Isn’t he lovely?
Lloyd Much lovelier now we can see him.
Selsdon So what are we celebrating?
Belinda ‘What are we celebrating?’!
Enter Tim from the wings.
Tim I’ve looked all through his dressing-room. I’ve looked all through the wardrobe. I can’t find the gear.
Lloyd indicates Selsdon
Tim Oh.
Selsdon Beer? In the wardrobe?
Lloyd No, Selsdon. Tim, you need a break. Why don’t you sit down quietly upstairs and do all the company’s VAT?
Tim VAT, right.
Lloyd (discreetly) And Tim – just in case he and the gear do walk off together one night, order yourself a spare Burglar costume.
Tim Spare Burglar costume.
Lloyd Two spare Burglar costumes. One to fit you, one to fit Poppy. I want a plentiful supply of spare Burglars on hand for any eventuality.
Tim Two spare Burglars.
Exit Tim into the wings.
Belinda He has been on his feet for forty-eight hours, Lloyd.
Noises Off Page 2
