Noises Off
Page 5
Burglar It’s nice to hear a bit of shouting and screaming around you. All this silence gets you down …
Enter Roger from the linen cupboard, still holding the sardines.
Roger (calls) Vicki! Vicki!
Exit Roger into the linen cupboard.
Burglar I’m going to end up talking to myself …
Exit the Burglar into study, unaware of Roger.
Enter Philip from the downstairs bathroom. His right hand is still stuck to the tax demand, his left to the plate of sardines.
Philip Darling, this stuff that eats through anything. It eats through trousers!
He examines holes burnt in the front of them.
Darling, if it eats through trousers, you don’t think it goes on and eats through … Listen, darling, I think I’d better get these trousers off! (He begins to do so, as best he can.) Darling, quick, this is an emergency! I mean, if it eats through absolutely anything … Darling, I think I can feel it! I think it’s eating through … absolutely everything!
Enter Roger from the bedroom, still holding the sardines.
Roger There’s something evil in this house.
Philip pulls up his trousers.
Philip (aside) The Inland Revenue!
Roger (sees Philip , frightened) He’s back!
Philip No!
Roger No?
Philip I’m not here.
Roger He’s not there!
Philip I’m abroad.
Roger He’s walking abroad.
Philip I must go.
Roger Stay!
Philip I won’t, thank you.
Roger Speak!
Philip Only in the presence of my lawyer.
Roger Only in the presence of your … ? Hold on. You’re not from the other world!
Philip Yes, yes – Marbella!
Roger You’re some kind of intruder!
Philip Well, nice to meet you.
He waves goodbye with his right hand, then sees the tax demand on it and hurriedly puts it away behind his back.
I mean, have a sardine.
He offers the sardines on his left hand. His trousers, unsupported, fall down.
Roger No, you’re not! You’re some kind of sex maniac! You’ve done something to Vicki! I’m going to come straight downstairs … !
Roger comes downstairs and dials 999.
Philip Oh, you’ve got some sardines. Well, if there’s nothing I can offer you …
Roger This is plainly a matter for the police! (Into the phone) Police!
Philip … I think I’ll be running along.
He runs, his trousers still round his ankles, out through the front door.
Roger Come back … ! (Into the phone.) Hello – police? Someone has broken into my house! Or rather someone has broken into someone’s house … No, but he’s a sex maniac! I left a young woman here and what’s happened to her no one knows!
Enter Vicki through the window.
Vicki There’s a man lurking in the undergrowth!
Roger (into the phone) Sorry … the young woman has reappeared. (Hand over phone) Are you all right?
Vicki No, he almost saw me!
Roger (into the phone) He almost saw her … Yes, but he’s a burglar as well! He’s taken our things!
Vicki (finds Philip ’s bag and box) The things are here.
Roger (into the phone) The things have come back. So we’re just missing a plate of sardines.
Vicki (finding the sardines left near the front door by Roger) Here are the sardines.
Roger (into the phone) And we’ve found the sardines.
Vicki This is the police? You want the police here? In my underwear?
Roger (into the phone) So what am I saying? I’m saying, let’s say no more about it. (He puts the phone down) I thought something terrible had happened to you!
Vicki It has! I know him!
Roger You know him?
Vicki He’s dealt with by our office!
Roger He’s just an ordinary sex maniac.
Vicki Yes, but he mustn’t see me like this! You have to keep up certain standards if you work for Inland Revenue!
Roger Well, put something on!
Vicki I haven’t got anything!
Roger There must be something in the bathroom!
He picks up the box and bag, and leads the way.
Bring the sardines!
She picks up the sardines. Exeunt Roger and Vicki into the downstairs bathroom.
Enter the Burglar from the study and dumps more booty.
Burglar Right, that’s downstairs tidied up a bit. (He starts upstairs) Just give the upstairs a quick going-over for them.
Exit the Burglar into the mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Vicki , holding the sardines and a white bathmat, and Roger , carrying the box and bag, from the downstairs bathroom.
Vicki A bathmat?
Roger Better than nothing!
Vicki I can’t go around in front of our taxpayers wearing a bathmat!
Roger The bedroom, then! There must be something in the bedroom!
He leads the way upstairs.
Vicki No, no, no, no! I’m not going in that bedroom again!
Roger I’ll look in the bedroom. You look in the other bathroom.
Exit Roger into the bedroom and Vicki into the mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Philip through the front door.
Philip Darling! Help! Where are you?
Enter Vicki from the mezzanine bathroom.
Vicki Roger! Roger!
Exit Philip hurriedly, unseen by Vicki , into the downstairs bathroom.
Vicki There’s someone in the bathroom now!
Vicki runs towards the bedrooms, then stops.
Flavia (off) Oh, darling, I’m finding such lovely things … !
Vicki turns and runs downstairs instead, as Flavia enters along the upstairs corridor, absorbed in the china tea service she is carrying.
Vicki exits hurriedly into the downstairs bathroom.
Flavia Do you remember this china tea service -
Vicki screams, off.
Flavia – that you gave me on the very first anniversary of our … ?
Enter Vicki from the downstairs bathroom. She stops at the sight of Flavia.
Flavia Who are you?
Vicki Oh, no – it’s his wife and dependents! (She puts her hands over her face)
Enter Philip from the downstairs bathroom, still with his hands encumbered, holding the bathmat now as well, and keeping his trousers up with his elbows.
Philip Excuse me, I think you’ve dropped your dress!
Flavia gasps. Philip looks up at the gallery and sees her.
Philip (to Flavia) Where have you been? I’ve been going mad! Look at the state I’m in!
He holds up his hands to show Flavia the state he is in and his trousers fall down. The tea service slips from Flavia ’s horrified hands, and rains down on the floor of the living-room below. Philip hurries towards the stairs, trousers round his ankles, his hands extended in supplication.
Darling, honestly!
Vicki flees before him, comes face to face with Flavia , and takes refuge in the linen cupboard.
Philip She just burst into the room and her dress fell off!
Exit Flavia , with a cry of pain, along the upstairs corridor.
Enter Roger from the bedroom, directly in Philip ’s path. Philip holds up the bathmat in front of his face. He is invisible to Roger , though, because the latter is holding up a white bedsheet.
Roger Here, put this sheet on for the moment while I see if there’s something in the attic.
Roger leaves Philip with the sheet and exits along upstairs corridor.
Philip turns to go back downstairs.
Enter Burglar from the mezzanine bathroom, holding two gold taps.
Burglar One pair gold taps … (He stops at the sight of Philip.) Oh, my Gawd!
Philip Who are you?
Burglar Me? Fixing the taps.
Ph
ilip Tax? Income tax?
Burglar That’s right, governor. In come new taps … out go old taps.
Exit Burglar into the mezzanine bathroom.
Philip Tax-inspectors everywhere!
Roger (off) Here you are!
Philip The other one!
Exit Philip into the bedroom, holding the bathmat in front of his face.
Enter Roger along the upstairs corridor holding Vicki ’s dress.
Roger I’ve found your dress! It came flying out of the attic at me!
Exit Roger into mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Philip from the bedroom, trying to pull the bathmat off his head.
Philip Darling! I’ve got her dress stuck to my head now!
Enter Roger from the mezzanine bathroom.
Exit Philip into the bedroom.
Roger Another intruder!
Enter the Burglar from the mezzanine bathroom.
Burglar Just doing the taps, governor.
Roger Attacks? Not attacks on women?
Burglar Try anything, governor, but I’ll do the taps on the bath first.
Exit Burglar into the mezzanine bathroom.
Roger Sex maniacs everywhere! Where is Vicki? Vicki… ?
Exit Roger into the downstairs bathroom.
Enter Burglar from the mezzanine bathroom, heading for the front door.
Burglar People everywhere! I’m off. A tax on women? I don’t know, they’ll put a tax on anything these days.
Enter Roger from the downstairs bathroom. The Burglar stops.
Roger If I can’t find her, you’re going to be in trouble, you see.
Burglar WC? I’ll fix it.
Exit Burglar into the mezzanine bathroom again.
Roger Vicki … ?
Exit Roger through the front door.
Enter Philip from the bedroom. The bathmat is still on his head, but is now arranged like a burnous, and he is wrapped in a white bedsheet.
Enter Vicki from the linen cupboard, enrobed from head to foot in a black bedsheet. They both quietly close the doors behind them.
Vicki Roger!
Philip Darling!
They see each other and start back.
Enter Roger through the front door.
Roger Sheikh! I thought you were coming at four? And this is your charming wife? So you want to see over the house now, do you, Sheikh? Right. Well. Since you’re upstairs already …
Roger goes upstairs.
Enter Flavia along the upstairs corridor, carrying a vase.
Flavia Him and his floozie! I’ll break this over their heads!
Roger … let’s start downstairs.
Roger, Philip and Vicki go downstairs.
Flavia Who are you? Who are these creatures?
Roger (to Philip and Vicki) I’m sorry about this. I don’t know who she is. No connection with the house, I assure you.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the service quarters, with another plate of sardines. Roger advances to introduce her.
Roger Whereas this good lady with the sardines, on the other hand …
Mrs Clackett No other hands, thank you, not in my sardines, ’cause this time I’m eating them.
Roger … is fully occupied with her sardines, so perhaps the toilet facilities would be of more interest.
He ushers Philip and Vicki away from Mrs Clackett towards the mezzanine bathroom.
Flavia Mrs Clackett, who are these people?
Mrs Clackett Oh, we get them all the time, love. They’re just Arab sheets.
Roger I’m sorry about this. (He opens the door to the mezzanine bathroom) But in here …
Flavia Arab sheets?
Exit Flavia into the bedroom.
Roger In here we have …
Enter the Burglar from the mezzanine bathroom.
Burglar Ballcocks, governor. Your ballcocks have gone.
Roger We have him.
Enter Flavia from the bedroom.
Flavia They’re Irish sheets! Irish linen sheets off my own bed!
Mrs Clackett Oh, the thieving devils!
Roger In the study, however …
Mrs Clackett You give me that sheet, you devil!
She seizes the nearest sheet, and it comes away in her hand to reveal Vicki.
Oh, and there she stands in her smalls, for all the world to see!
Roger It’s you!
Flavia It’s her!
Flavia comes downstairs menacingly.
Exit Philip discreetly into the study.
Burglar It’s my little girl!
Vicki Dad!
Flavia stops.
Enter Philip from the study in amazement. (He is now played by a double – Tim.)
Burglar Our little Vicki, that ran away from home, I thought I’d never see again!
Mrs Clackett Well, would you believe it?
Vicki (to Burglar) What are you doing here like this?
Burglar What are you doing here like that?
Vicki Me? I’m taking our files on tax evasion to Inland Revenue in Basingstoke.
Philip /Tim Agh!
He collapses behind the sofa, clutching at his heart, unnoticed by the others.
Flavia (threateningly) So where’s my other sheet?
Enter through the front door the most sought-after of all properties on the market today – a Sheikh. He is wearing Arab robes and bears a strong resemblance to Philip , since he is also played by Frederick.
Sheikh Ah! A house of heavenly peace! I rent it!
Roger Hold on, hold on … I know that face! (Pulls the Sheik’s burnous aside to reveal his face) He isn’t a sheikh! He’s that sex-maniac!
Flavia Yes – it’s my husband!
Sheikh What?
They all fall upon him.
Frederick’s trousers are revealed to be around his ankles.
Lloyd Trousers!
Mrs Clackett You take all the clean sheets! (She tries to pull the robes off him)
Sheikh What? What?
Lloyd Trousers! Trousers!
Vicki You snatch my bathmat! (She tries to pull his burnous off him)
Sheikh What? What? What?
Flavia You toss me aside like a broken china doll! (She hits him)
Lloyd And to cap it all you’ve got your trousers on!
Everyone except Selsdon finally comes to a halt.
Burglar And what you’re up to with my little girl down there in Basingstoke …
Even Selsdon becomes aware that the action has ceased.
Selsdon Stop?
Belinda Stop, stop.
Lloyd comes up on stage.
Lloyd It’s a question of authenticity, you see, Freddie. Do Arab potentates wear trousers under their robes? I don’t know. Maybe they do. But not round their ankles, Freddie! Not round their ankles!
Frederick Sorry. It’s just frightfully difficult doing a quick change without a dresser.
Lloyd Get Tim to help you. Tim! Where’s Tim? Come on, Tim! Tim!
Tim, wearing the sheet as Philip ’s double, gets to his feet and gazes blearily at Lloyd.
Tim Sorry?
Lloyd Oh, yes. You’re acting.
Tim I must have dropped off down there.
Lloyd Never mind, Tim.
Tim Do something?
Lloyd No, let it pass. We’ll just struggle through on our own. Tim has a sleep behind the sofa, while all the rest of us run round with our trousers round our ankles. OK, Freddie? You’ll just have to do the best you can. On we go, then …
Frederick hesitates.
Lloyd Some other problem, Freddie?
Frederick Well, since we’re stopped anyway.
Lloyd Why did I ask?
Frederick I mean, you know how stupid I am about plot.
Lloyd I know, Freddie.
Frederick May I ask another silly question?
Lloyd All my studies in world drama lie at your disposal.
Frederick I still don’t understand why the Sheikh just happens to be Philip’s double.
Garry Because he comes in and we all think he’s, you know, and we all, I mean, that’s the joke.
Frederick I see that.
Belinda My sweet, the rest of the plot depends on it!
Frederick I see that. But it is rather a coincidence, isn’t it?
Lloyd It is rather a coincidence, Freddie, yes. Until you reflect that there was an earlier draft of the play, now unfortunately lost to us. And in this the author makes it clear that Philip’s father as a young man had travelled extensively in the Middle East.
Frederick I see … I see!
Lloyd You see?
Frederick That’s very interesting.
Lloyd I thought you’d like that.
Frederick But will the audience get it?
Lloyd You must tell them, Freddie. Looks. Gestures. That’s what acting’s all about. OK?
Frederick Yes. Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you.
Lloyd And it will be even more powerful when you do it with no trousers.
Frederick Of course. (Takes his trousers off)
Lloyd Right, can we just finish the act? From Belinda’s beautiful line, ‘You toss me aside like a broken china doll!’
Lloyd returns to the stalls.
I’m being so clever out here! What’s going to be left of this show when I’ve gone off to do Richard III and you’re up there on your own? Right – ‘You toss me aside like a broken china doll!’
Flavia You toss me aside like a broken china doll! (She hits him)
Sheikh What? What? What?
Burglar And what you’re up to with my little girl down there in Basingstoke I won’t ask. But I’ll tell you one thing, Vicki.
Pause.
Lloyd Brooke!
Brooke Sorry …
Lloyd Your line. Come on, love, we’re two lines away from the end of the act.
Brooke I don’t understand.
Lloyd Give her the line!
Poppy (off) ‘What’s that, Dad?’
Brooke Yes, but I don’t understand.
Belinda It’s ‘What’s that, Dad?’
Selsdon Yes, I say to you, ‘I’ll tell you one thing, Vicki’ and you say to me, ‘What’s that, Dad?’
Brooke I don’t understand why the Sheikh looks like Philip.
Silence. Everyone waits for the storm. Lloyd comes slowly up on stage.
Lloyd Poppy! Bring the book!
Enter Poppy from the wings, with the book.
Lloyd (patiently) Is that the line, Poppy? ‘I don’t understand why the Sheikh looks like Philip’? Can we consult the author’s text and make absolutely sure?
Poppy Well, I think it’s …
Lloyd (with exquisite politeness) ‘What’s that, Dad?’ Right. That’s the line, Brooke, love. We all know you’ve worked in very classy places up in London where they let you make the play up as you go along, but we don’t want that kind of thing here, do we. Not when the author has provided us with such a considered and polished line of his own. Not at one o’clock in the morning. Not two lines away from the end of Act One. Not when we’re just about to get a tea break before we all drop dead of exhaustion. We merely want to hear the line. (Suddenly puts his mouth next to Brooke ’s ear and shouts) ‘What’s that, Dad?’ (All patience and politeness again) That’s all. Nothing else. I’m not being unreasonable, am I?