Brooke abruptly turns, runs upstairs and exits into the mezzanine bathroom.
Lloyd Exit? Does it say ‘exit’?
The sound of ‘Brooke weeping, off, and running downstairs.
Lloyd Oh dear, now she’s going to wash her lenses away.
Exit Lloyd through the front door.
Frederick (chastened) Oh, good Lord.
Selsdon (likewise) A little heavy with the sauce, I thought.
Garry I thought it was going to be Poppy when he finally, you know.
Dotty It’s usually Poppy. Isn’t it, love?
Poppy smiles wanly.
Frederick I suppose that was all my fault.
Garry But why pick on, you know?
Dotty Yes, why Brooke?
Belinda I thought it was quite sweet, actually.
Garry Sweet?
Belinda Trying to pretend they’re not having a little thing together.
Dotty A little thing? Lloyd and Brooke … ?
Belinda Didn’t you know?
Selsdon Brooke and Lloyd?
Belinda Where do you think they’ve been all weekend?
Frederick Good Lord. You mean, that’s why he wasn’t here when poor old Tim …
He stops, conscious that Tim is behind the sofa.
Dotty … put the set up back-to-front.
Belinda Sh! Here they come!
Enter Lloyd with his arm round Brooke.
Lloyd OK. All forgotten. I was irresistible.
Poppy I think I’m going to be sick.
Exit Poppy into the wings.
Dotty Oh, no!
Lloyd Oh, for heaven’s sake!
Exit Lloyd after Poppy.
Garry You mean … ?
Selsdon Her, too? Frederick Oh, great Scott!
Belinda Well, that’s something I didn’t know.
Brooke I think I’m going to faint.
Dotty Yes, sit down, love!
They sit Brooke down.
Belinda Quick – do your meditation.
Selsdon Well, that’s something she didn’t know!
Belinda Hush, love.
Dotty Two weeks’ rehearsal, that’s all we’ve had.
Frederick Whatever next?
Selsdon Most exciting!
Belinda (indicating Brooke) Sh!
Selsdon Oh, yes. Sh!
Dotty Here he comes.
Enter Ll oyd from the wings, subdued.
Dotty Is she all right, love?
Lloyd She’ll be all right in a minute. Something she ate, probably.
Garry (indicating Brooke) Yes, this one’s feeling a bit, you know.
Lloyd I’m feeling a bit, you know, myself. I think I’m going to -
Belinda Which?
Garry (offering a chair) Faint?
Belinda (offering a vase) Or be sick?
Lloyd (subsides on to the chair) – need that tea break.
Dotty You’re certainly overdoing it at the moment, love.
Lloyd So could we just have the last line of the act?
Selsdon Me? Last line? Right.
Burglar But I’ll tell you one thing, Vicki.
Vicki (with a murderous look at Lloyd) What’s that, Dad?
Burglar When all around is strife and uncertainty, there’s nothing like a …
Selsdon … what?
Poppy (off, tearful) Oh … ‘A good old-fashioned plate of sardines.’
Selsdon What did she say?
Belinda ‘A good old-fashioned plate …’
She hands him Mrs Clackett ’s plate.
Burglar A good old-fashioned plate of …
Selsdon … what?
Poppy runs on with the book, Lloyd jumps to his feet, Tim jumps up from behind the sofa.
Everyone except Selsdon Sardines!
Tableau, with raised sardines. The tableau continues.
Lloyd And curtain!
Poppy (realises, sobs) Oh!
She runs hurriedly into the wings.
CURTAIN
Act Two
The living-room of the Brents’ country home. Wednesday afternoon.
(Theatre Royal, Ashton-under-Lyne. Wednesday matinée, 13 February)
But this time we are watching the action from behind; the whole set has been turned through 180 degrees. All the doors can be seen – there is no masking behind them. Two stairways lead up to the platform that gives access to the doors on the upper level. Some of the scene inside the living-room is visible through the full-length window. There are also two doors in the backstage fabric of the theatre: one giving access to the dressing-rooms, and the pass door into the auditorium. The usual backstage furnishings, including the prompt corner and props table, chairs for the actors, a fire-point with fire-buckets and fire-axe, etc.
Tim is walking anxiously up and down in his dinner jacket.
Poppy is speaking into the microphone in the prompt corner.
Poppy (over the tannoy) Act One beginners, please. Your calls, Miss Otley, Miss Ashton, Mr Lejeune, Mr Fellowes, Miss Blair. Act One beginners, please.
Tim And maybe Act One beginners is what we’ll get. What do you think?
Poppy (to Tim) Oh, Dotty’ll pull herself together now we’ve called beginners. Now she knows she’s got to be on stage in five minutes. Won’t she?
Tim Will she?
Poppy You know what Dotty’s like.
Tim We’ve only been on the road for a month! We’ve only got to Ashton-under-Lyne! What’s it going to be like by the time we’ve got to Stockton-on-Tees?
Poppy If only she’d speak!
Tim If only she’d unlock her dressing-room door! Look, if Dotty won’t go on …
Poppy Won’t go on?
Tim If she won’t.
Poppy She will.
Tim Of course she will.
Poppy Won’t she?
Tim I’m sure she will. But if she doesn’t …
Poppy She must!
Tim She will, she will. But if she didn’t …
Poppy I’d have five minutes to change. Four minutes.
Tim If only she’d say something.
The pass door opens cautiously, and Lloyd puts his head round. He closes it again at the sight of Poppy.
Poppy I’ll have another go. Takes your mind off your own problems, anyway.
Exit Poppy in the direction of the dressing-rooms.
Lloyd puts his head back round the door.
Lloyd Has she gone?
Tim Lloyd! I didn’t know you were coming today!
Lloyd comes in. He is carrying a bottle of whisky.
Lloyd I wasn’t. I haven’t.
Tim Anyway, thank God you’re here!
Lloyd I’m not. I’m in Aberystwyth. I’m in the middle of rehearsing Richard III.
Tim Dotty and Garry …
Lloyd I don’t want anyone to know I’m in.
Tim No, but Dotty and Garry …
Lloyd I just want two hours alone and undisturbed with Brooke in her dressing-room between shows, then I’m on the 7.25 back to Wales. (Gives Tim the whisky) This is for Brooke. Put it somewhere safe. Make sure Selsdon doesn’t get his hands on it.
Tim Right. They’ve had some kind of row…
Lloyd Good, good. (Takes money out of his wallet and gives it to Tim.) There’s a little flower shop across the road from the stage door. I want you to buy me some very large and expensive-looking flowers.
Tim Right. Now Dotty’s locked herself in her dressing-room …
Lloyd Don’t let Poppy see them. They’re not for Poppy.
Tim No. And she won’t speak to anyone …
Lloyd First house finishes just after five, yes? Second house starts at seven thirty?
Tim Lloyd, that’s what I’m trying to tell you – there may not be a show!
Lloyd She hasn’t walked out already?
Tim No one knows what she’s doing! She’s locked in her dressing-room! She won’t speak to anyone!
Lloyd You’ve called beginners?
Tim Yes!
Lloyd I can’t play a complete love scene from cold in five minutes. It’s not dramatically possible.
Tim She’s had bust-ups with Garry before, of course.
Lloyd Brooke’s had a bust-up with Garry?
Tim Brooke? Not Brooke – Dotty!
Lloyd Oh, Dotty.
Tim I mean, they had the famous bust-up the week before last, when we were playing Worksop.
Lloyd Right, right, you told me on the phone.
Tim She went out with this journalist bloke …
Lloyd Journalist – yes, yes …
Tim But you know Garry threatened to kill him?
Lloyd Killed him, yes, I know. Listen, don’t worry about Dotty – she’s got money in the show.
Tim Yes, but now it’s happened again! Two o’clock this morning I’m woken up by this great banging on my door. It’s Garry. Do I know where Dotty is? She hasn’t come home.
Lloyd Tim, let me tell you something about my life. I have the Duke of Buckingham on the phone to me for an hour after rehearsal every evening complaining that the Duke of Gloucester is sucking boiled sweets through his speeches. The Duke of Clarence is off for the entire week doing a commercial for Madeira. Richard himself – would you believe? – Richard III? (He demonstrates) – has now gone down with a back problem. I keep getting messages from Brooke about how unhappy she is here and now she’s got herself a doctor’s certificate for nervous exhaustion – she’s going to walk! I have no time to find or rehearse another Vicki. I have just one afternoon, while Richard is fitted for a surgical corset, to cure Brooke of nervous exhaustion, with no medical aids except a little whisky – you’ve got the whisky? – a few flowers – you’ve got the money for the flowers? – and a certain faded charm. So I haven’t come to the theatre to hear about other people’s problems. I’ve come to be taken out of myself and preferably not put back again.
Tim Yes, but Lloyd …
Lloyd Have you done the front-of-house calls?
Tim Oh, the front-of-house calls!
Tim hurries to the microphone in the prompt corner, still holding the money and whisky.
Lloyd And don’t let Poppy see those flowers!
Exit Lloyd through the pass door.
Tim (into microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in three minutes.
Enter Poppy from the dressing-rooms.
Poppy We’re going to be so late up!
Tim No luck?
Poppy Belinda’s having a go. I haven’t even started the front-of-house calls yet … Money? What’s this for?
Tim Nothing, nothing! (He puts the money behind his back and automatically produces the whisky with the other hand)
Poppy Whisky!
Tim Oh … is it?
Poppy Where did you find that?
Tim Well …
Poppy Up here? You mean Selsdon’s hiding them round the stage now? (She takes the whisky)
Tim Oh …
Poppy I’ll put it in the ladies’ loo. At least he won’t go in there.
Enter Belinda from the dressing-rooms.
Poppy No?
Belinda You know what Dotty’s like when she’s like this. Freddie’s trying now … (She sees the whisky) Oh, no!
Poppy He’s hiding them round the stage now.
Enter Frederick from the dressing-rooms.
Poppy No? Frederick No.
Belinda You didn’t try for very long, my precious!
Frederick No, well … (He sees the whisky) Oh dear.
Belinda He’s hiding them on stage now.
Exit Poppy to the dressing-rooms, holding the whisky.
Frederick No, Garry came rushing out of his dressing-room in a great state. I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying. I often feel with Garry that I must have missed something somewhere. You know how stupid I am about that kind of thing. But I think he was saying he wanted to kill me.
Belinda Oh, my poor sweet!
Frederick I thought I’d better leave him to it. I don’t want to make things worse. He’s all right, is he?
Belinda Who, Garry? Anything but, by the sound of it!
Frederick I mean, he’s going on?
Tim Garry? Garry’s going on. Of course he’s going on. What’s all this about Garry not going on?
Belinda Yes, because if you have to go on for Garry, Poppy can’t go on for Dotty, because if Poppy goes on for Dotty, you’ll have to be on the book!
Tim This is getting farcical.
Belinda Money.
Tim Money?
Belinda You’re waving money around.
Tim Oh, that’s for … Oh … !
Tim hurriedly grabs his raincoat from a peg and exits into the dressing-rooms.
Frederick She’s a funny woman, you know – Dotty. So up and down. She was perfectly all right last night.
Belinda Last night?
Frederick Yes, she took me for a drink after the show in some club she knows about.
Belinda She was with you? You were with her?
Frederick She was being very sympathetic about all my troubles.
Belinda She’s not going to sink her teeth into you! I won’t let her!
Frederick No, no, she couldn’t have been nicer. In fact, she came back to my digs afterwards for a cup of tea and she told me all her troubles. Sat there until three o’clock this morning. I don’t know what the landlady thought!
Enter Poppy.
Poppy And another thing.
Belinda Nothing else, my sweet!
Poppy Where’s Selsdon?
Belinda It turns out that it’s Freddie here who’s the cause of all the … Selsdon?
Poppy He’s not in his dressing-room.
Belinda Oh – I might have guessed!
Poppy Oh – the front-of-house calls!
Belinda You do the calls. I’ll took for Selsdon.
Frederick What shall I do?
Belinda (firmly) Absolutely nothing at all.
Frederick Right.
Belinda You’ve done quite enough already, my pet.
Exit Belinda to the dressing-rooms.
Poppy (into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in three minutes.
Enter Tim from the dressing-rooms in his raincoat, carrying a large bunch of flowers.
Tim He wants to kill someone. (He takes off his raincoat)
Poppy Selsdon wants to kill someone?
Tim Garry, Garry… Selsdon?
Poppy We’ve lost him.
Tim Oh, not again!
Poppy Flowers!
Tim (embarrassed) Oh … Well … They’re just … You know …
Poppy (taking them) Oh, Tim that’s really sweet of you!
Tim Oh … Well …
Poppy (to Frederick) Isn’t that sweet of him?
Frederick Very charming.
She kisses Tim.
Poppy I’ll just look in the pub. (She gives the flowers to Frederick.) Hold these.
Exit Poppy to the dressing-rooms.
Tim I’ll take those. (He takes the flowers.) Oh, the front-of-house calls! Hold these. (He gives the flowers back to Frederick.)
Frederick Oh, I think Poppy’s done them.
Tim She gave them two minutes, did she? I’ll give them one minute. (Into the microphone.) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in one minute.
He takes the flowers from Frederick.
Frederick Oh dear, I think she said three minutes.
Tim Three minutes? I said three minutes! She said three minutes?
Frederick I think so.
Tim Hold these. (He gives Frederick the flowers. Into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in two minutes.
Enter Belinda from the dressing-rooms, holding the bottle of whisky.
Frederick Any luck?
Belinda No, but I found yet another bottle.
F
rederick Oh dear.
Tim Oh …
Belinda Hidden in the ladies’ lavatory, would you believe.
Frederick Oh, my Lord!
Tim (takes it) Oxfam! I’ll give it to Oxfam!
Poppy runs in from the dressing-rooms.
Poppy He’s not in the pub …
Belinda (indicates the whisky to Poppy) No, he’s hanging round ladies’ lavatories.
Tim I’d better get the spare gear on.
Exit Tim to the dressing-rooms with the whisky.
Poppy (into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in two minutes.
Frederick Oh dear – Tim’s already told them two minutes.
Poppy He’s done two minutes? (Into the microphone.) Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in one minute.
Enter Lloyd through the pass door.
Lloyd What the fuck is going on?
Belinda Lloyd!
Frederick Great Scott!
Poppy I didn’t know you were here!
Lloyd I’m not here! I’m at the Aberystwyth Festival! But I can’t sit out there and listen to ‘two minutes … three minutes … one minute … two minutes’!
Belinda My sweet, we’re having great dramas downstairs!
Lloyd We’re having great dramas out there! (To Poppy.) This is the matinée, honey! There’s old-age pensioners out there! ‘The curtain will rise in three minutes’ – we all start for the Gents. ‘The curtain will rise in one minute’ – we all come running out again. We don’t know which way we’re going!
Poppy Lloyd, I’ve got to have a talk to you.
Lloyd (kissing her) Of course, honey, of course. Looking forward to it.
Poppy You got my message?
Lloyd Many, many messages.
Poppy Why didn’t you answer?
Lloyd I did! I have! I’m here!
Poppy Lloyd, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
Noises Off Page 6
