Philip /Tim I should never have touched it.
Flavia No, it’s lovely.
Philip /Tim Stick it down. Put it back. Never saw it.
Exit Philip/Tim into study.
Flavia Well, I’ll put it in the attic, if anyone else wants to have a try.
Exit Flavia along the upstairs corridor, taking the handle but leaving the dress on the floor.
Enter Roger through the front door, without the bag and box.
Roger All right, all right … Now the study door’s open again! What’s going on?
He goes towards the study, and opens and closes the door. He reacts to the sound of urgent knocking overhead.
Knocking.
Knocking.
Upstairs!
He runs upstairs. Knocking.
Oh my God, there’s something in the … (He discovers the lack of a handle) Oh my God! (Knocking) Listen! I can’t, because the handle has, you know. You’ll just have to …
He demonstrates pushing. Knocking.
Come on! Come on!
Knocking.
I mean, whatever it is in there. Can you hear me? Darling!
Knocking.
Look, don’t just keep banging! There’s nothing I can, I mean it won’t, there’s nowhere to …
Knocking. He opens the bedroom door.
Listen! Climb round into the … (He indicates the bedroom) Squeeze through the, you know, and shin down the, I mean, there must be some way!
Knocking.
Oh, for pity’s sake!
Exit Roger into the bedroom.
Enter Philip from the study, holding a tax demand and an envelope. He is now being played by Frederick , with a plaster on his head.
Philip ‘… final notice … steps will be taken … distraint … proceedings in court …’
Enter Roger from the bedroom, pulling Vicki after him. Philip gazes at them, baffled.
Roger Oh, it’s you.
Vicki Of course it’s me! You put me in here! In the dark with all black sheets and things.
Roger I put you in there, but you managed to squeeze through the, you know.
Vicki Why did I lock the door? Why did you lock the door!
Roger I couldn’t, I mean, look, look, it’s come off!
Vicki Someone locked the door!
Philip Sorry.
Exit Philip apologetically into study.
Roger Anyway, we can’t stand here like this.
Vicki Like what?
Roger I mean, you know, with people going in and out.
Vicki OK, I’ll take it off.
Roger In here, in here!
He ushers her into the bedroom.
Enter Philip cautiously from the study, holding the tax demand and the envelope.
Philip ‘… final notice … steps will be taken … distraint … proceedings in court …’
Enter Roger from the bedroom, holding the first-aid box.
He looks up and down the landing.
Enter Vicki from the bedroom.
Philip stares at them.
Vicki Now what?
Roger A hot-water box! I didn’t put it there!
Vicki I didn’t put it there.
Philip Sorry.
Exit Philip into the study.
Roger Someone in the bathroom, filling first-aid bottles.
Exit Roger into the mezzanine bathroom.
Vicki (anxious) You don’t think there’s something creepy going on?
Exit Vicki into the mezzanine bathroom.
Enter Flavia along the upstairs corridor.
Flavia Darling … Darling?
Enter Philip cautiously from the study. He raises the income tax demand to speak.
Flavia Darling, are you coming to bed or aren’t you?
Exit Flavia into the bedroom.
Philip raises his income tax demand to speak.
Enter Roger and Vicki from the mezzanine bathroom.
Roger What did you say?
Vicki I didn’t say anything.
Exit Philip into the study.
Roger I mean, first there’s the door handle. Now there’s the first water box.
Vicki I can feel goose pimples all over.
Roger Yes, quick, get something round you.
Vicki Get the covers over our heads.
Roger is about to open the bedroom door.
Roger Just a moment. What did I do with those sardines?
He goes downstairs. Vicki makes to follow.
Roger You – wait here.
Vicki (uneasily) You hear all sorts of funny things about these old houses.
Roger Yes, but this one has been extensively modernised throughout. I can’t see how anything creepy would survive oil-fired central heating and …
Vicki What? What is it?
Roger looks round.
Vicki What’s happening?
Roger The sardines. They’ve gone. (He double-takes on them) No, they haven’t. They’re here. Oh. Well. My God … I mean … my God!
He turns and starts back upstairs.
Flavia crawls through the front door. She picks up the sardines and takes them back to the front door.
Roger You put a plate of sardines down for two minutes, and the last thing you expect to find, I mean, these days, the one thing you don’t expect to find when you come back is a plate of, I mean that’s really weird!
Vicki Perhaps there is something funny going on. I’m going to get into bed and put my head under the …
She freezes at the sight of the empty table outside the bedroom door.
Roger Because, I mean, there they are! Exactly where I …
He realises that the sardines are not there.
Vicki Bag …
Roger goes back downstairs to investigate. Vicki runs after him. Flavia , unseen by Roger , hesitates. She glances up towards the landing, reminded by the mention of the bag that she has failed to set it. She looks back at the table, realising that Roger now expects the sardines to be on the table.
Roger No, they’re not. I suppose Mrs Sprockett must have, I mean, what is going on?
He looks at Vicki. Flavia hurriedly replaces the sardines.
Vicki Bag!
Flavia exits hurriedly through the front door.
Roger Bag?
Vicki Bag! Bag!
She drags Roger back upstairs.
Roger What do you mean, bag, bag?
Roger looks over the banisters and sees the sardines.
Sardines!
Vicki Bag! Bag! Bag!
Roger Sardines! Sardines!
Vicki Bag! Bag! Bag!
Roger Sardines! Sardines!
Vicki Bag! Bag! Bag!
While Roger is gazing at the sardines, and Vicki is looking at Roger , the bedroom door opens and Flavia puts the flight bag on the table outside.
Roger (tearing himsetf away from the sight of the sardines) Bag? What bag?
Vicki (gazing at the bag) No bag!
Roger No bag?
Vicki Your bag! Suddenly! Here! Now – gone!
Roger It’s in the bedroom. (He sees the bag.) It was in the bedroom. I put it in the bedroom. I’ll put it back in the bedroom.
As Roger goes to open the bedroom door it opens in front of him, and Flavia begins to come out, carrying the box.
Vicki Don’t go in there!
Roger finds himself holding the box, with the door closing in his face.
Roger The box!
Vicki The box?
Roger They’ve both not gone!
Vicki Oh! My files!
Roger What on earth is happening? Where’s Mrs Spratchett?
He starts downstairs with the bag and box. Vicki follows him.
Roger You wait in the bedroom.
Vicki No! No! No! She runs downstairs.
Roger At least put your dress on!
Vicki I’m not going in there!
Roger I’ll fetch it for you, I’ll fetch it for you!
He puts the bag and box down at the
head of the stairs, returns to the bedroom and sees the dress on the floor.
Exit Roger into the bedroom.
Vicki Yes, quick – let’s get out of here!
Enter Roger from the bedroom.
Roger Your dress has gone.
As he speaks he slides the dress over the edge of the gallery with his foot to get rid of it. It falls on top of Vicki beneath and makes her jerk her head. She feels blindly around her; her lenses have gone again.
Vicki I’m never going to see Basingstoke again!
Roger Don’t panic! Don’t panic! There’s some perfectly rational explanation for all this.
He starts downstairs, looking over the banisters, appalled at the sight of Vicki below, and falls headlong over the bag and box at the top of the stairs.
Vicki searches blindly behind the sofa for her missing lenses.
Enter Philip from the study. He is holding the tax demand and the envelope.
Philip … final notice … steps will be taken … distraint
His voice dies away at the sight of ‘Roger lying at the bottom of the stairs.
Enter Flavia along the upstairs corridor, carrying various pieces of bric-a-brac.
Flavia Darling, if we’re not going to bed I’m going to clear out the attic …
Philip (to Roger) Oh dear. (He claps a handkerchief to his nose) Flavia Oh, great heavens!
She rushes downstairs.
Enter Mrs Clackett from the service quarters, holding another plate of sardines.
Mrs Clackett No other hands, thank you, not in my sardines … (She sees Roger.) … ’cause this time she has, she’s gone and killed him!
Flavia He’s stunned, that’s all. Keep going.
Roger (lifting his head) Don’t panic! Don’t panic!
Flavia He’s all right! Just keep going!
Roger There’s some perfectly rational explanation for all this.
Mrs Clackett Where are we?
Roger I’ll fetch Mrs Splotchett and she’ll tell us what’s happening …
Mrs Clackett You’ve fetched her. I’m here.
Roger I’ve fetched Mrs Splotchett and she’ll tell us what’s happening.
Mrs Clackett She won’t, you know.
Flavia I’ll tell you what’s happening.
Roger There’s a man in there! Yes?
Flavia He’s not in there, my precious – he’s in here, look, and so am I.
Mrs Clackett No, no, there’s no one in the house, love.
Yes?
Flavia No, look, I know this is a great surprise for everyone. I mean, it’s quite a shock for us, finding a man lying at the bottom of the stairs! (To Philip.) Isn’t it, darling?
Philip Oh dear. (He looks into his handkerchief) Oh dear, oh dear. (He sits down hurriedly)
Flavia But now we’ve all met we’ll just have to … Well, we’ll just have to introduce ourselves! Won’t we, darling?
Philip Introduce ourselves. (He struggles to his feet, but has to sit down again) I’m so sorry.
Flavia This is my husband. I’m afraid surprises go straight to his nose!
Vicki rises blindly from behind sofa at her cue.
Vicki There’s a man lurking in the undergrowth!
Flavia Oh, how delightful – another unexpected guest. (To Vicki.) So why don’t you … why don’t you … see what you can see in the garden?
She pushes Vicki out of the front door, and helps Philip to his feet.
(to Philip) And darling, you go off and get that bottle marked poison in the downstairs loo. That eats through anything.
Philip (from behind his handkerchief) Eats through anything. Right. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
He opens the downstairs bathroom door to go off. A pane of glass drops out of the mullioned window, and an arm comes through and releases the catch. The window opens, and through it appears the Burglar , played by Tim.
Burglar/Tim No bars. No burglar alarms. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement.
He climbs in and looks round in surprise to find the room full of people.
Mrs Clackett Come in and join the party, love.
Flavia A burglar! This is most exciting!
Philip Oh dear, this is my fault. Because when I say, ‘I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem, this is ridiculous’, and I open this door…
He opens the downstairs bathroom again. Another pane of glass drops out of the mullioned window, and an arm comes through.
Enter through the window the Burglar, played by Selsdon.
Burglar/Selsdon No bars. No burglar alarms. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement.
He climbs in, becoming uneasily aware of the others as he does so.
Burglar/Tim No, but sometimes it makes me want to sit down and weep.
Mrs Clackett I know, love, it’s getting like a funeral in here.
Burglar/Selsdon When I think I used to do banks!
Flavia Just keep going.
Burglar/Selsdon and Burglar/Tim (together) When I remember I used to do bullion vaults! What am I doing now? I’m breaking into paper bags …
Flavia Keep going.
Burglar/Selsdon Stop?
Flavia No, no!
Burglar/Selsdon I thought the coast was clear, you see. I saw him going out to the bathroom.
Flavia (closing the downstairs bathroom door) Yes, never mind, it’s all right. We’ll think of something.
Burglar/Selsdon Oh, no, I was listening most carefully. What’s it he says?
Philip ‘I’ve heard of people getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.’
Burglar/Selsdon And he opened the door …
Burglar/Selsdon opens the downstairs bathroom door to demonstrate.
A third pane of glass drops out of the mullioned window, and an arm comes through. Enter through the window the Burglar, played by Lloyd.
Burglar/Lloyd No bars. No burglar alarms. They ought to be prosecuted for incitement.
He climbs in, very uncertain what’s happening to him. He doesn’t know whether to react to the presence of the others or not.
Mrs Clackett They always come in threes, don’t they.
All Three Burglars When I think I used to do banks! When I remember I used to do bullion vaults …
Flavia Hold on! We know this man! He’s not a burglar!
She snatches Lloyd’s Burglar hat off.
He’s our social worker!
Roger He’s what?
Flavia He’s that nice man who comes in and tells us what to do!
Lloyd (appalled, faintly) What to do?
Others (firmly) What to do!
Lloyd is paralysed with stage-fright. He looks round helplessly and makes vague and ineffectual gestures.
Selsdon What’s he saying?
Flavia He’s saying, he’s saying – just get through it for doors and sardines! Yes? That’s what it’s all about! Doors and sardines! (To Lloyd.) Yes?
Lloyd (helplessly) Doors and sardines!
Others Doors and sardines!
They all try to put this into practice. Philip picks up the sardines and runs around trying to find some application for them. The others open various doors, fetch further plates of sardines, and run helplessly around with them. Lloyd stands helplessly watching the chaos he has created swirl around him.
Flavia He’s saying, he’s saying – ‘Phones and police’!
Lloyd Phones and police …
Philip Phone!
Philip and Roger are each handed a half of the phone.
Roger Police!
Roger puts the receiver to his ear. Philip dials.
Flavia He’s saying ‘Bags and boxes’.
Others Bags and boxes!
Everyone runs around with the two boxes and the two bags, all helplessly colliding with each other and running into the furniture.
Flavia (decisively) Sheets, sheets! He’s saying ‘Sheets’!
Lloyd Sheets �
�
Others (desperately) Sheets!
Roger runs out of the study door, Tim out of the front door.
Flavia He’s saying ‘All we want now is a nice happy ending!’
Roger comes back at once propelling the helpless Vicki , wrapping her in the white sheet as they go. Tim comes back simultaneously with Poppy , cramming her into the real Sheikh ’s robes.
Dotty (looking at Poppy) And here she is! In her wedding dress!
Flavia (looking at Vicki) Yes, yes – it’s their wedding day!
Mrs Clackett (still looking at Poppy) It’s their wedding day!
Others Ah!
Flavia What a happy ending!
Mrs Clackett pushes Poppy to Lloyd’s side. Flavia pushes Vicki to his other side.
Mrs Clackett Do you take this sheet to be your lawful wedded wife? If not, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Lloyd nods helplessly.
Selsdon What’s he saying, what’s he saying?
Flavia He’s saying … he’s saying … ‘Last line!’
Selsdon Last line? Me?
All Last line, last line!
Selsdon When all around is strife and uncertainty, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of …
He dries.
All (holding up plates of sardines; beseechingly) Curtain!
Tableau. Then Tim runs hurriedly off.
CURTAIN
Except that it jams just above the level of their heads. As one man they seize hold of it and drag it down. A ripping sound. The curtain detaches itself from its fixings and falls on top of them all, leaving a floundering mass of bodies on stage.
Nothing On
Extracts from the programme
Grand Theatre
WESTON-SUPER-MARE
Proprietors: GRAND THEATRE (Weston-super-Mare) LIMITED General Manager: E.E.A. GRADSHAW
The Grand Theatre Weston-super-Mare is a Member of the Grand Group.
Evenings at 7.45 Matinee: Wednesday at 2.30 Saturday at 5.00 and 8.30
Commencing Tuesday 15th January for One Week Only
Otstar Productions Ltd present
DOTTY OTLEY
BELINDA BLAIR GARRY LEJEUNE
in
NOTHING ON
by
ROBIN HOUSEMONGER
with
SELSDON MOWBRAY
BROOKE ASHTON
FREDERICK FELLOWES
Directed by LLOYD DALLAS
Designed by GINA BOXHALL
Lighting by ROD WRAY
Costumes by PATSY HEMMING
WORLD PREMIERE PRIOR TO NATIONAL TOUR!
Noises Off Page 9
