He felt as if he were about to vomit too.
Give me strength. I don’t fucking deserve it, but I need it.
He placed a hand towel next to her without touching her. “I didn’t want to tell you, because—”
“I know why you didn’t want to tell me.” She choked and cleared her throat.
Jake rested his elbows on his knees. “I didn’t want to bring you back there, baby.”
“So you were just going to let me leave, thinking you don’t care or that it was someone else?”
Paying close attention to her reactions, he tried to determine where she was at. “I wanted to spare you this.”
Inching her hands up the wall, Eve stood, walked to the sink and rinsed her mouth out with water and Listerine. She splashed her face before turning heartbroken eyes to him. Wiping her face with one hand, she held onto the counter for balance with the other.
Jake closed the lid on the toilet and sat on it, not knowing what to say to her.
Eve wrapped her arms around herself. “This isn’t happening.” She walked unsteadily from the bathroom.
Following her into the main room, he leaned against the wall opposite the bed where she sat. Trauma from the past replayed across her face. Witnessing her try to stay composed, he was reminded of when she was fifteen, before he’d left for his first tour and told her not to wait for him. But she had waited. She’d stopped her life...for him. Maybe he was being selfish, but he couldn’t lose her again. She’d seen a side of him he’d never allowed anyone else to see. Whether she believed him or not, he was as emotionally tied to her as she was to him.
“Jake.”
Eve jarred him back to the present. “Yeah, baby.”
She furiously shook her head. “Stop! I’m not your baby. I’m not your love. I’m obviously nothing to you!” Eve swiped at her eyes. “How could you keep this from me? From me!”
Fuck me. Inhaling deeply, he approached her. “Hey, Eve. Look at me. Right now.” When her wet, red, eyes met his, he squatted down, so he was eye-level with her and took her chin between his fingers. “Given what you’ve been through, I get this is fucked up for you, but this right here is why I didn’t want to tell you what’s happening. This isn’t you. This isn’t us. The past doesn’t belong here. Deal with me and don’t ever let me hear you say you’re nothing. Ever.”
She brushed away a fresh round of tears and took a few shaky breaths.
He reached over to the side table and handed her a box of tissues. Walking into the kitchen, he dampened a towel and brought it out to her before sitting in the chair across from her.
Eve cleaned herself up, dropped her head, and sat silent for a few minutes.
He gave her time to compose herself, knowing she was filtering through emotions and memories that had been locked up tight. When she finally met his gaze, something glinted there that he couldn’t pinpoint behind her bloodshot eyes, but she was back—present, composed, focused.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Resting his elbows on his knees, he glanced up at her. “That’s not my Maddie. She wouldn’t do that. I’ll get her through this. And you and me...we’ll figure it out.”
The sad smile she gave him made his chest tighten and he watched an expression he’d never seen before cross her face—it was one of steel. Not that Eve wasn’t a strong woman. She was one of the most brilliant, dedicated and willful women he knew, but there was also a darkness to her, one she sometimes had trouble getting under control. This was something different...
Laying the towel beside her, she rose from the bed and approached him. Kneeling between his legs, she sat back on her heels. She lifted the sleeves of her shirt to her elbows before resting her hands at the tops of his thighs.
Jake smoothed her damp cheeks with his thumbs. This face, he loved her face—her smile.
“I once confided in you about a very difficult time in my life.”
“I know you did, Eve, but this is diff—”
“I know it’s different, Jake, but you need to listen to me, please.” Her eyes searched his as she gripped his thighs. “I didn’t tell you everything.”
While his gut dropped out, he at least owed her the respect of listening, since he was the one who just ripped open those scars.
“Okay, honey. Say what you gotta say.”
With shaky hands, she slowly twisted both forearms on top of his thighs, exposing her pale inner wrists.
“Look closely, Jake. In the direct light.”
Taking her wrists in his hands, he examined her pale skin. The sunlight streamed in through the window, highlighting two very faint but long scars, and his eyebrows drew together. Cradling one wrist, he traced a line close to around four inches in length down her wrist with his finger. It had to be at least a decade or so old, judging by the faded scar. And his fucking senses heightened as if he were in the field. Everything stopped around him, like a record screeched inside his head, and he tuned specifically to her. Switching hands none too gently, he did the same to the other, finding an identical scar. His eyes jumped to hers.
“Eve...”
What the hell was he supposed to say? He dropped her wrists as if he’d been burned, stood, and backed away from her, leaving her kneeling on the floor.
“You told me you used to cut.” He stalked back to her and shackled her wrist, moving it in front of her face. “I know a fucking suicide attempt when I see one.”
Steely blue eyes met his. “And did you ever think that’s something I’d do?” Her voice was faint, but clear.
“No! You’re—fuck. No, never.” He could not wrap his brain around the reality that a woman as intelligent, loving, and talented as Eve could ever even think of ending her life. “You’re stronger than that damn it! You always have been.”
Calmly, she rose to sit in the chair he’d just vacated. “I haven’t always been. I was a lot older than Maddelyn and I am not saying this is what’s happening with her at all. In my case, the abuse, the damage over the years took a toll. Cutting is one thing—what I did is another. While it’s in no way a healthy or safe coping mechanism, the thing about cutting in most cases is we’re rerouting pain nobody else understands. It’s not usually a gateway to suicide as people assume, but it can be in some cases.”
Turning on her, he knelt down. “Don’t say ‘we.’” He grabbed her wrists. “This isn’t you!”
Eve rotated her hands, clutching his forearms. “It is. You don’t want it to be, but I am a part of that ‘we.’ I was lucky. They found me in time. I agreed to get help, but if someone feels alone and has nobody to talk to about what they’re going through—the options limit. If they think they’ll be judged, told they’re crazy or weak, they’ll disconnect. I did. When the isolation gets so consuming and there’s nobody to help sort out what’s going through our heads, sometimes the need for everything to go away, for silence, is too tempting. Self-harm has many faces.”
He stood back up. “I know you went through hell, love. I can see it’s much worse than you ever let on. But that’s not Maddie. She’d never hurt herself that way.”
Looking up at him, Eve stood from the chair. “What you just described to me are all signs of depression, isolation and not being understood. I’m not saying that’s what Maddelyn’s going through, but make sure it isn’t. Encourage her to talk to someone. Even if it’s not you or Kelly. She may not want to say how she’s feeling, because she might be afraid it would hurt one of you, in which case, she’ll hold back.”
“I do talk to Maddie.”
Eve’s head cocked to the side. “Do you know what my parents’ first words to me were when I came around in the hospital? ‘Why didn’t you talk to us?’ Why? Because by that time, I was already too isolated. I couldn’t tell them what was happening that early in my marriage. My thinking had already been rewired. The feelings of self-hatred, of being unlovable, of having no
self-worth overwhelmed me. I re-routed pain in an unhealthy way. I allowed myself to be beaten down so low, I saw no escape other than digging deep for the courage to press down harder the next time.”
She never took her eyes off him. “One day, I found it. I wanted it all to stop. I’ve dealt with it, yes, but I still have bad days. Do I want to kill myself now, even on my really bad days? No I don’t. I want to live. I want to love. I want to know what it’s like to be loved for who I am. But ask me if some days I still want to cut, Jake. I don’t, but do I want to? More than you’ll ever be able to comprehend.”
The walls closed in around him as he processed everything she was telling him and all he could do was stare at her like an ass. He felt helpless when it came to her past and helpless was something he’d never been. But he’d been on the phone with her through difficult times. “No. You talk to me. I’ve been on the phone with you through bad days.”
Eve heaved a soft sigh. A sad, almost haunting sound that felt like a left hook to the jaw.
“You have, but your answer to me lately, is ‘handle your business,’ or ‘you’re stronger than this’ or ‘I can’t have you weak.’ You can’t power me through bad days, so I’ve learned not to share those with you. You pull away from me when I have bad moments. You never used to, which is one of the reasons I trust you as I do, but now I understand why you’ve been emotionally distant. My best friend helps me. It hasn’t been you for a while. You don’t save me from myself...if anything, you’re my trigger. But you can help your daughter.”
Jake’s mouth fell open and he wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve only ever wanted the best for you—I want you to succeed in everything you do. You know that.”
“I do.” She kissed his shoulder.
Jake held her away from him and searched her face. “If I’d have known I put you there, I’d have taken myself out of your life immediately.”
While he was furious that she’d kept this from him, and a little shocked she would suggest this could happen to Maddie, he realized she would be the one to recognize any signs. Not only because of her chosen profession, but her own experience. She’d confided something extremely personal to him today for the sake of his daughter. Ever since they were young, the one thing Eve feared the most was him not wanting her. That admission took courage, because she was chancing his rejection. He didn’t think he could possibly love her any more than he did in this moment.
“Why did you still see me? If my being in your life hurt you, why would you risk that?”
Eve shrugged her shoulders but kept her eyes on his. “Because, I’ve always loved you and you’ve never judged me. You make me want to be a better version of me. You make me want the world and believe I have a shot at getting it. You’ve shown me I’m not entirely broken and that I’m worthy. You helped me see me, Jake. Our situation, however, the months without seeing you—I don’t do well when you emotionally detach from me. You know that. A good portion of the last few months has been me waiting by my phone. Waiting for the old you on the other end of the line.”
“There’s never been any distance. You know how I get when I have business to take care of—it’s not you.”
Eve’s shoulders dropped. “Whatever business you had never used to matter—you still kept me close. Why do you think I fell so hard for you? God, Jake, why do you think things moved so fast once we finally did see each other? We’ve seen each other, what? Maybe six times since I agreed to see you in person? We got to know each other again over a phone. Your openness with me, your trust in me allowed me to let you in and trust you as I never would have any other man. But recently, something changed. When you were physically in front of me, you were you. When you left, there was a distance that wasn’t there before.”
She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and smiled sadly at him. “I’ve waited for you to come back. Now I know why you couldn’t...and why you can’t. I feel like all I’ve done since I was too young to know what it was I was actually doing is wait for you in one way or another. I handle it now, because I thought we might finally have a chance, but you don’t get the worst of me.”
Running his hands through her hair, he bent to kiss her neck. “There’s no distance and I never wanted to hurt you. I want everything for you. I want you strong.” He dropped his hands to her wrists and turned them back up. “This kills me—it fucking kills me.”
Eve shimmied out of his hold and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I am stronger now. I got the help I needed. I have bad moments once in a while and I know you can’t handle them.”
Nothing pissed him off more than when she said that. “That’s bullshit. I can handle anything when it comes to you.”
“No. You can’t. Your words, Jake—not mine. You need me strong, and I can’t always be strong. You interpret my bad days as weakness, but you never want to talk about the catalyst, which is usually something going on with us. The thing is, we are now irrelevant. Maddelyn needs her parents and you can’t strong-arm her through this, which is your instinct, how you’re built. She’s a fourteen-year-old girl. You need to listen to her. Don’t live in denial of what you think isn’t happening or what you refuse to believe is possible. You can’t will her pain away. If she needs outside help, get it for her. I don’t want any of what I’ve gone through for your daughter.”
“I’ll take care of Maddie, but we can make this work.” He kissed her forehead.
Tears free flowed down her cheeks and she framed his face in her soft hands. Pulling him down to her, she kissed him, her lips moving slowly, tenderly over his.
Yanking her to him, he kissed her hard. He stroked her back, her face, her cheeks. Some strange urgency drove him. In his line of work, sharp instincts equaled survival. He trusted his implicitly and right now, they were screaming at him to somehow get inside her, mark her, keep her.
Pulling away from him, she took his face in her hands. “No, Jake. We can’t,” she whispered.
He gripped her shoulders. “Eve. You know what I do. You know what I’m capable of and what I handle. I won’t lose you.”
“I know what you’re going to have to handle. You don’t. I know your job, or the parts you’re allowed to tell me and I’m not unaware of the risk. Your job is dangerous, life threatening. Your focus right now, when you’re not there, has to be exclusively on Maddelyn.”
“I know that. You think I don’t know that?”
“Not to the extent that you realize. You don’t need another distraction and you worrying about me in New York would be a distraction.”
“Give me some time with this. Let me get Maddie straight.” There was a set to Eve’s eyes and he finally realized what that earlier look had meant—resignation—Eve was leaving him.
How the fuck had this happened? When did this turn on him? He told her he didn’t need to leave her to take care of Maddie.
“Eve—”
When she framed his face, digging her fingers into back of his head, he covered her hands with his.
“I’m not stupid, babe.” Eve squeezed a little harder. “My gut says you’ve been struggling for the past...” She glanced behind him at the clock. “Nineteen or so hours, trying to decide whether to let me go or try to make this work. Now, I at least know why...and I understand.”
Dropping her eyes, she sniffled before meeting his gaze and smiling at him. “One of the things I love most about you is that you’re such a loving and caring father. You talk about your girls when you’re with me and your entire face lights up, the love you have for them is beautiful for me to see. It reaffirms that life works in certain ways for a reason.”
“Don’t get all fucking psychological on me right now.” Afraid to let her go, he threaded his hands through her hair just to keep her in front of him. He inhaled the familiar scent of her hair. He rested his cheek on top of her head, then moved back to kiss her forehead. “I can do both.”
“You only believe you can right now, because I’m leaving.” Eve gently pushed him away.
“Don’t do this to me, Eve. Not now.” How could he go on without talking to her? Without hearing her voice? Sometimes the nightmares, the stress of the life he led was too much and the only thing he wanted was to hear her voice. She eased something unsteady and unstable, in the subterranean depths of his being.
Eve slowly removed her hands from his, anchored her bags on her shoulder and clutched his fingers. “Jake...you know this is right. You need this break to concentrate on Maddelyn and work. I’m giving you that.”
This is NOT fucking happening.
“I’m leaving, so you can take care of what’s important.”
“You’re important—you’re everything to me.”
She smiled and touched his cheek. “I’m not everything. And I’ve never needed to be. I just needed you. But I can’t do this anymore. You want me to be strong? You want me to succeed? I can’t wait by a phone for you. I need the emotional pendulum to stop—that’s what I need to be strong and what Maddelyn needs is her father. You need to let me go.”
“Fuck no. No!” Grabbing her shoulders, he tried like hell not to shake some sense into her. “I found you again after sixteen years. Can you really walk away from me this easily?”
Eve’s face went even paler than normal and her eyes blazed an arctic blue. She knocked his hands away from her.
“Don’t think for a fucking second this is easy for me! I’ve loved you from the second I saw you across that damn parking lot at thirteen, Jake. Thirteen. When everyone said you’d hurt me. That you were a player and I still believed in you. Even when you told me, I was too young. I still waited for you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve compared every man I’ve ever met to you. When you showed up married, I moved on. I settled. So, don’t you dare stand there and act as if this is easy for me. I love you, but don’t forget, I know you very well. You’re alone a lot, yes, but your track record has proven you don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want that for you. Once Maddelyn is better, I want you to find happiness.”
Twenty-Four Hours (Shattered Boundaries Book 1) Page 13
