by T. Smollett
CHAPTER SIX
IN WHICH THE READER WILL PERCEIVE THAT IN SOME CASES MADNESS IS CATCHING.
Mr. Clarke having made an end of his narrative, the surgeon thanked himfor the entertainment he had received; and Mr. Ferret shrugged up hisshoulders in silent disapprobation. As for Captain Crowe, who used atsuch pauses to pour in a broadside of dismembered remarks, linkedtogether like chain-shot, he spoke not a syllable for some time; but,lighting a fresh pipe at the candle, began to roll such voluminous cloudsof smoke as in an instant filled the whole apartment, and renderedhimself invisible to the whole company. Though he thus shrouded himselffrom their view, he did not long remain concealed from their hearing.They first heard a strange dissonant cackle, which the doctor knew to bea sea-laugh, and this was followed by an eager exclamation of "Rarepastime, strike my yards and topmasts!--I've a good mind--why shouldn't--many a losing voyage I've--smite my taffrel but I wool"--
By this time he had relaxed so much in his fumigation, that the tip ofhis nose and one eye reappeared; and as he had drawn his wig forwards, soas to cover his whole forehead, the figure that now saluted their eyeswas much more ferocious and terrible than the fire-breathing chimera ofthe ancients. Notwithstanding this dreadful appearance, there was noindignation in his heart, but, on the contrary, an agreeable curiosity,which he was determined to gratify.
Addressing himself to Mr. Fillet, "Pr'ythee, doctor," said he, "cansttell, whether a man, without being rated a lord or a baron, or what d'yecall um, d'ye see, may n't take to the highway in the way of a frolic,d'ye see?--Adad! for my own part, brother, I'm resolved as how to cruisea bit in the way of an arrant--if so be as I can't at once be commander,mayhap I may be bore upon the books as a petty officer or the like, d'yesee."
"Now, the Lord forbid!" cried Clarke, with tears in his eyes, "I'd rathersee you dead than brought to such a dilemma." "Mayhap thou wouldst,"answered the uncle; "for then, my lad, there would be some picking--aha!dost thou tip me the traveller, my boy?" Tom assured him he scorned anysuch mercenary views. "I am only concerned," said he, "that you shouldtake any step that might tend to the disgrace of yourself or your family;and I say again I had rather die than live to see you reckoned anyotherwise than compos."--"Die and be d--ned! you shambling half-timber'dson of a----," cried the choleric Crowe; "dost talk to me of keeping areckoning and compass?--I could keep a reckoning, and box my compass longenough before thy keelstone was laid--Sam Crowe is not come here to askthy counsel how to steer his course." "Lord! sir," resumed the nephew,"consider what people will say--all the world will think you mad." "Setthy heart at ease, Tom," cried the seaman, "I'll have a trip to and againin this here channel. Mad! what then? I think for my part one half ofthe nation is mad--and the other not very sound--I don't see why I han'tas good a right to be mad as another man--but, doctor, as I was saying,I'd be bound to you, if you would direct me where I can buy that sametackle that all arrant must wear; as for the matter of the long pole,headed with iron, I'd never desire better than a good boat-hook, andcould make a special good target of that there tin sconce that holds thecandle--mayhap any blacksmith will hammer me a skull-cap, d'ye see, outof an old brass kettle; and I can call my horse by the name of my ship,which was Mufti."
The surgeon was one of those wags who can laugh inwardly, withoutexhibiting the least outward mark of mirth or satisfaction. He at onceperceived the amusement which might be drawn from this strangedisposition of the sailor, together with the most likely means whichcould be used to divert him from such an extravagant pursuit. Hetherefore tipped Clarke the wink with one side of his face, while theother was very gravely turned to the captain, whom he addressed to thiseffect. "It is not far from hence to Sheffield, where you might befitted completely in half a day--then you must wake your armour in churchor chapel, and be dubbed. As for this last ceremony, it may be performedby any person whatsoever. Don Quixote was dubbed by his landlord; andthere are many instances on record, of errants obliging and compellingthe next person they met to cross their shoulders, and dub them knights.I myself would undertake to be your godfather; and I have interest enoughto procure the keys of the parish church that stands hard by; besides,this is the eve of St. Martin, who was himself a knight-errant, andtherefore a proper patron to a novitiate. I wish we could borrow SirLauncelot's armour for the occasion."
Crowe, being struck with this hint, started up, and laying his fingerson his lips to enjoin silence, walked off softly on his tiptoes, tolisten at the door of our knight's apartment, and judge whether or nothe was asleep. Mr. Fillet took this opportunity to tell his nephew thatit would be in vain for him to combat this humour with reason andargument; but the most effectual way of diverting him from the plan ofknight-errantry would be, to frighten him heartily while he should keephis vigil in the church; towards the accomplishment of which purpose hecraved the assistance of the misanthrope as well as the nephew. Clarkeseemed to relish the scheme; and observed, that his uncle, though enduedwith courage enough to face any human danger, had at bottom a strong fundof superstition, which he had acquired, or at least improved, in thecourse of a sea-life. Ferret, who perhaps would not have gone ten pacesout of his road to save Crowe from the gallows, nevertheless engaged asan auxiliary, merely in hope of seeing a fellow-creature miserable; andeven undertook to be the principal agent in this adventure. For thisoffice indeed he was better qualified than they could have imagined. Inthe bundle which he kept under his greatcoat, there was, together withdivers nostrums, a small vial of liquid phosphorus, sufficient, as he hadalready observed, to frighten a whole neighbourhood out of their senses.
In order to concert the previous measures without being overheard, theseconfederates retired with a candle and lantern into the stable; and theirbacks were scarce turned, when Captain Crowe came in loaded with piecesof the knight's armour, which he had conveyed from the apartment of SirLauncelot, whom he had left fast asleep.
Understanding that the rest of the company were gone out for a moment, hecould not resist the inclination he felt of communicating his intentionto the landlady, who, with her daughter, had been too much engaged inpreparing Crabshaw's supper, to know the purport of their conversation.The good woman, being informed of the captain's design to remain aloneall night in the church, began to oppose it with all her rhetoric. Shesaid it was setting his Maker at defiance, and a wilful running intotemptation. She assured him that all the country knew that the churchwas haunted by spirits and hobgoblins; that lights had been seen in everycorner of it, and a tall woman in white had one night appeared upon thetop of the tower; that dreadful shrieks were often heard to come from thesouth aisle, where a murdered man had been buried; that she herself hadseen the cross on the steeple all a-fire; and one evening as she passeda-horseback close by the stile at the entrance into the churchyard, thehorse stood still, sweating and trembling, and had no power to proceed,until she had repeated the Lord's Prayer.
These remarks made a strong impression on the imagination of Crowe, whoasked in some confusion, if she had got that same prayer in print? Shemade no answer, but reaching the Prayer-Book from a shelf, and turning upthe leaf, put it into his hand; then the captain having adjusted hisspectacles, began to read, or rather spell aloud, with equal eagernessand solemnity. He had refreshed his memory so well as to remember thewhole, when the doctor, returning with his companions, gave him tounderstand that he had procured the key of the chancel, where he mightwatch his armour as well as in the body of the church; and that he wasready to conduct him to the spot. Crowe was not now quite so forward ashe had appeared before, to achieve this adventure. He began to startobjections with respect to the borrowed armour; he wanted to stipulatethe comforts of a can of flip, and a candle's end, during his vigil; andhinted something of the damage he might sustain from your malicious impsof darkness.
The doctor told him, the constitutions of chivalry absolutely requiredthat he should be left in the dark alone, and fasting, to spend the nightin pious meditations; but if he had any fears whic
h disturbed hisconscience, he had much better desist, and give up all thoughts ofknight-errantry, which could not consist with the least shadow ofapprehension. The captain, stung by this remark, replied not a word, butgathering up the armour into a bundle, threw it on his back, and set outfor the place of probation, preceded by Clarke with the lantern. Whenthey arrived at the church, Fillet, who had procured the key from thesexton, who was his patient, opened the door, and conducted our noviceinto the middle of the chancel, where the armour was deposited. Thenbidding Crowe draw his hanger, committed him to the protection of Heaven,assuring him he would come back, and find him either dead or alive bydaybreak, and perform the remaining part of the ceremony. So saying, heand the other associates shook him by the hand and took their leave,after the surgeon had tilted up the lantern to take a view of his visage,which was pale and haggard.
Before the door was locked upon him, he called aloud, "Hilloa! doctor,hip--another word, d'ye see." They forthwith returned to know what hewanted, and found him already in a sweat. "Hark ye, brother," said he,wiping his face, "I do suppose as how one may pass away the time inwhistling the Black Joke, or singing Black-eyed Susan, or some suchsorrowful ditty."--"By no means," cried the doctor; "such pastimes areneither suitable to the place, nor the occasion, which is altogether areligious exercise. If you have got any psalms by heart, you may sing astave or two, or repeat the Doxology."--"Would I had Tom Laverick here,"replied our novitiate; "he would sing your anthems like a sea-mew--a hadbeen a clerk a-shore--many's the time and often I've given him a rope'send for singing psalms in the larboard watch. Would I had hired the sonof a b---h to have taught me a cast of his office--but it cannot be holp,brother--if we can't go large, we must haul up a wind, as the saying is;if we can't sing, we must pray." The company again left him to hisdevotion, and returned to the public-house, in order to execute theessential part of their project.
