“No thanks. I’m ok.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Excuse me?”
I walked over to him, losing my confidence as I did, and stood awkwardly in front of him.
“You don’t seem ok,” I said timidly.
“No, I guess I’m not. I have a lot on my mind, you know?”
“Yeah,” I responded. I turned away, but Julian latched on to my wrist, holding me in place.
“Since we are discussing being ‘OK’, now you can tell me what your plans are. I know you're not hungry, so unless you have another excuse, let’s have it.” He led me over to the couch, pulling me into his lap. I sipped my water, trying to stall for time. After giving me a few moments, Julian decided I was properly hydrated and took my water bottle, placing it on the side table next to us.
“So what is it that you would like to know, Senior Garza.”
“Jade, be serious. I want to know if you are going to leave here for a while, and if so where you plan on going.” He leveled me with a serious stare that made my stomach flip flop. I felt like he could see right into me, and his eyes showed that he didn’t like what he could see. I knew what he wanted to hear.
“Yea, I suppose that makes sense. I don’t really feel safe being here alone.”
“OK. I’m glad you are starting to return to your senses. Any thoughts on where to?”
“Well it’s not like I have a ton of options, Julian,” I said disparagingly.
“But you do have options. Why don’t you just come with me? Pack your bags and leave with me tonight.” There it was.
“I don’t think so.”
“Ay Dios Mio! Why not?” His tone was full of disbelief.
“I’m not just going to run away from my life, Julian. Drew will be back tomorrow and I have other things to consider.”
“What are these things? Are they more important than your safety?” Julian slid me off of his lap as he stood up, pacing in front of me as he continued to complain in Spanish outbursts.
“Don’t say it like that! If this is what you wanted to talk about, why not just do it, and give me time to make arrangements?”
“Because! I want you to want to be with me. Why do I have to ask again and again? You knew I was leaving. It’s not like it was a surprise.”
“No, this time wasn’t a surprise. You are right.”
“Ah… Back to the beginning. So now I guess you will tell me all the reasons why ‘this’ can’t happen.” He used the dreaded air quotes around ‘this’.
“What are you talking about? Am I supposed to ignore how you hurt me before? We haven’t really done a whole lot of clearing the air, so yes, there are some things that still bother me.”
“And why is that, Jade? Why haven’t we cleared the air?”
“I don’t know Julian. Maybe It’s just too much to deal with right now.”
“Right now? Do you have a date on your calendar when you are free to do so? No, you just don’t want to talk about anything hard. Or maybe you just don’t want to talk to me.” He stopped pacing, letting the weight of his words settle.
“It’s not about you. I just have a hard time with-“
“You didn’t have a hard time with him. You seem to fight me every step of the way. But with him it was easy, right?” His tone held traces of bitterness and hurt, but not enough to rival my anger .
“It is so easy for you to assume how things went. You have no idea what happened to me after you left. It was easy to talk to him because I was broken. You weren’t there, so you don’t get to determine how easy or hard it was. And the truth is, nothing we say or do now can change things.”
“No, nothing I do or say now can change things,” he whispered. His tone void of all fight or argument.
“What do you want from me, Julian?” I watched as he pulled himself back together. I was still stinging from the heat of his outburst, but somehow it helped kick all the fog and fear out of me. He didn’t have to understand my feelings, but he had to accept them. Julian toyed with his keys, struggling with his own internal battle. It still shocked me to see him so vulnerable. He was still passionate, but all of his macho man bravado had been taken down quite a few notches. Now he just looked, lost.
Sensing that he wasn’t going to answer my question, and possibly leave, I decided to push the subject for a change. I walked over to him, taking the keys out of his hand and placing them on the kitchen counter.
“Are you going to answer me?” I played with the buttons on his shirt, nervous that he wouldn’t answer me, and that this would be how we left things.
Julian pulled both my hands into his, kissing them both before he released me. Then he tipped my chin up, blasting me with his signature gaze. The heat that swirled within him gave his fierce green eyes a hazy glow.
“I want you. It’s that simple. I want you to want me. To want to be with me. You know that, but I can’t force you to be with me Jade. So I’ll be patient, and hopefully my heart isn’t fooling me into believing that there’s more to us than this.”
And with those words, he leveled me with one last meaningful glance. Kissed me in response to my silence, grabbed his keys and walked out. I stood there, shocked and shaking. I guess I expected more of a fight, or maybe I didn’t know what to expect. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I tried to understand what just happened, and I didn’t have a clue. Was this really happening? Again? I didn’t want him to leave again after a fight, so I rushed towards the door hoping I could catch him in time.
The elevator took thirteen years to get back to my floor. Ok, maybe it was thirteen seconds, but it felt like longer. I broke out in a cold sweat while I prayed to the cab gods that he was still waiting for one. Trying not to pry the doors open with my hands, I bolted off the elevator as soon as they had opened enough to let my body squeeze through. I ignored the confused look from Donovan as I rushed past him, out the lobby doors. I held back a disappointed sob when I didn’t see him out front. Common sense screamed at me to look around first.
When I saw him to my right, hailing a cab at the corner I felt a surge of adrenaline zap me.
“Julian!!” He stopped his loading of the bags, jerking his head towards me. The smile on his face was heart stopping, but I went to him anyway. Julian took a few strides towards me, pulling me into his arms to close the gap. I grabbed his face, smashing my lips to his while he leaned me up against the back window of the taxi. We kissed until the cabby blared his horn, reminding us, as usual, that our time was limited.
“I just wanted to tell you, I do care about you,” I murmured against his lips.
“I know, but I love when you show me,” he responded hoarsely. I could feel his grin against my own.
“You knew I would come after you?”
“I hoped you would,” he confessed with a semi guilty smile. I couldn’t even be mad. He called my bluff. He kissed me once more and then acknowledged the cab driver.
“I have to go, but I left something for you, on your couch.”
“Ok,” I said, intrigued by what the gift could be.
“I’m not giving up on you. You do know that, right?”
I just nodded my head, feeling totally played. I stepped back watching the firm lines of his physique as he finally got into the cab. Damn, I am going to miss him.
Confusing Donavon again, this time with a smile, I ran back up to see my gift. I tried to recall when he could have gotten one without me knowing. Before I could begin my search, I heard chirping coming from the direction of my living room. I laughed when I spotted the cell phone tucked into the cushion where we had been sitting.
“Yes.”
“Do you like your gift?”
“Yes, it’s very shiny. I like pretty things.”
“Stop trying to be such a tough guy,” he reprimanded.
“A tough guy? However do you mean?” I continued to tease.
“OK, now you’re being a wise guy,”
“Alright, alright. I like my gift, but
what is it for?”
“Well, we will use it to talk, of course. Maybe if I’m not in your face, you’ll feel more comfortable telling me things. Maybe you can enjoy being my friend.”
“So you’ve put me in the friend zone?”
“No, I put myself in the friend zone. I have feelings too, you know, and I’m not a huge fan of rejection.”
“Right. I seem to remember as much. So, friend. What do you want to talk about?”
“Well, you thought you were off the hook, but I think you should see a therapist. I plan on it.”
“You do?”
“Yes to both. It’s not everyday I get kidnapped and attacked. Well, it’s never happened before, so yea.”
I sat down while I processed his words. I knew I needed to talk to someone, and about more than our shared incident.
“Ok. I’m going to go to Miami with Drew. I’ll look for someone there.”
“¡Gracias a Dios! That was easier than I imagined. Now I can get on this plane with some peace of mind. Not as much as if you were with me, but more than knowing you weren’t going try to take care of yourself.”
“Whatever. I am capable of taking care of myself! I just like to do things on my own terms. Is that so hard to comprende?”
“No. But is it so hard for you to see when people really care about you?”
“Touché, Senior Garza. I am learning.”
Settling into the couch, I propped my legs up on the cushion and talked to Julian until he arrived at the airport. Even though he sounded upbeat, I could tell it was just for my benefit. The intermittent sighs and oh wells revealed that he had accepted his fate, but he wasn’t thrilled about it. After we hung up, I stared up at the ceiling for a long while, wondering what the hell was going on with my life. I hope I know what I’m doing.
Ch 04 Kool and The Gang
“Jade!” The loud voice came crashing through my peace and tranquility. I tried to remain still, hoping whoever it was would just go away, but then the world started moving. No such luck. With a deep regretful sigh, I opened my eyes. My brother was looking down at me, his eyes full of concern and a slight trace of humor as he tugged at my comforter.
“What, could you possibly want?” My tone was severely lacking enthusiasm. I widened my eyes at him expectantly when he continued to stand there grinning at me.
“I want you to get out of the bed. After that, I want you to take your stinky ass to the shower, and then after that I want you come talk to me.” He made all of his demands as he peeled my covers away. I groaned at the loss of my new best friend, my comforter.
“Ugh! Why? Why can’t you just let my soul be?” Dramatic, I know, but that was my latest thing. I found that being overly distressed caused him to let me do what I wanted, and most of the time that consisted of curling up under my covers.
“Yeah, I tried that, and you’ve been in the bed for the last fourteen hours. Not gonna work, J. Plus, your soul said it’s not coming back until you shower. I came here to spend time with you, not watch your apartment while you spend the weekend curled up in bed. Besides, later tonight we are going to dinner with Aunt V and Jackie.” Drew looked a little remorseful after the last sentence. He knew I wasn’t in any hurry to see my aunt.
I rolled over and sat up on the side of the bed, facing him. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged myself, narrowing my eyes at him. “And all this time, I thought you loved me.”
Drew let out a loud chuckle before he could contain himself. I couldn’t help but laugh too. He always managed to cheer me up, somehow.
“You kill me, sis. Now stop killing my nose and hit the shower. Hurry up, I’m hungry.”
“What? I do not stink!” I pushed my nose into the neck of my t-shirt to check. Ok, maybe I was a tad ripe. I looked up to find Drew waiting for my self assessment, and he laughed at what must have been a slight grimace on my face at my own scent. I giggled all the way to the shower.
Once I was under the steady stream of hot water, I had to admit that it really felt good. Taking showers seemed to be one of my new coping mechanisms, along with hiding under my blanket. I felt calm and refreshed as I stepped out the shower and wrapped a towel around my curly mane. I was actually feeling better. I thanked God for Drew everyday he was here. Since he was waiting for me, I skipped the blow-dry step and opted for a messy bun instead. The dark circles underneath my eyes revealed that despite the amount of time I spent in bed, I was getting very little sleep. I found out the hard way that there was no difference between knowing why Julian was gone and not knowing. I still worried about him, even more so since whomever was trying to hurt him was still out there. A part of me wondered if it would have been safer for me to go into hiding, but it just didn’t feel right. After my shower, I got dressed and we headed to Aunt V’s for dinner. Was I looking forward to this dinner? No. Did I need to speak to my aunt? Whatever.
We arrived at her house around 6:00 pm. I rolled down my windows and enjoyed the fresher New Jersey air. Sometimes it was the simplest things that helped to improve my teetering mental state. Laughing with my brother, long warm showers, and the fresh cool fall air were all on the list of things that helped me feel closer to normal. Helped me to feel like my life had a chance to rebound from the darkness that had descended over the last month.
Walking up to the house my stomach twisted itself into a tight knot. I hadn't returned any of my aunt's numerous calls or messages and I expected a hearty dose of her drama. Well, I had my own dramatics prepared in response. She had some explaining to do.
The lock clicked and Drew gave me a wary glance just as the door swung open. Aunt V emerged with a burst of energy.
"Finally, you two get here! Come in. I've got dinner prepared and waiting for you." She stood aside giving Drew a quick hug as he pecked her cheek. I hesitated, waiting for her reaction to seeing me, but she looked at me with such remorse that I almost felt bad for her. Almost.
"Jade, honey! I'm so glad to see you. Come on inside." She held onto my hand and we walked inside together. Once we made our way to her sitting area, I understood the reason behind her and Drew's regretful dispositions. Jackie was sitting on the couch and next to her sat Edward. Across the room, perched anxiously on the piano bench, was John. Holy…! I felt my lips disappearing into a fine line as I contained my desire to growl. Loudly, like I imagined a grizzly bear would. I didn't know which emotion I wanted to express first. The irritation of seeing Edward, or the surprise of seeing John. It’s a freakin Kool and the Gang reunion... Fan-Fucken-tastic!
"Hey everybody," I said and managed a wave that encompassed all addressed. John rose from his seat to come greet me. Jackie remained seated, apparently clearing her actions with Edward first. I swallowed the intense need to walk across the room and bitch-slap her. If this kept up, I wouldn’t have any room left for dinner. I didn’t have to focus on that feeling for too long, because then John was standing in front of me.
"Hey, John," I managed a small smile.
"Hey, you," he whispered in my ear while he held me to his chest. I released the tension in my shoulders and hugged him back. We hadn't spoken since I was in the hospital either, so this was really his only chance at seeing me. We stood there, in an awkward embrace. Me trying to pull away, and him holding me to his side. I looked to Drew for some sort of mental support. This was more than I wanted to deal with all at once. Damn!
Finally getting approval to move her ass, Jackie came sauntering over. I took a hard look at my cousin and tried to figure out if she was really clueless or was she just a great actress. Her eyes held nothing but excitement to see me. Was she really just that oblivious to everything around her? What was unlike her was the silent hug and greeting, and her holding onto the other arm that John wasn’t monopolizing. What, in THE HELL, was going on here? I looked at Drew and he was looking back at me with the same stupefied expression.
“Ok, everyone.” My aunt called from the dining room. “Let’s eat!”
Everyone progressed to
the dining room, but Jackie lagged back and since she was still clinging to my arm, I was forced to stall with her.
“What is going on?” I tried to keep my voice to a hushed whisper.
“I don’t know! Edward spent the night last night, and when I told him about dinner, he insisted on coming. He like, friggin refused to go home. Then, I get a call from John like twenty-minutes ago asking what our plans were for dinner. He just invited himself. I was gonna ask you what’s up.” Jackie seemed just as confused as I was.
“I really don’t know, cause I haven’t spoken to John since I’ve been home.” I peeked into the dining room and spotted everyone standing around as Aunt V poured out white wine. Jackie just shook her head.
“Maybe Drew talked to him,” Jackie guessed as she headed to join the other’s.
“Huh, maybe…”
Then there were seating arrangements. With the arrival of two unexpected dinner guests, my Aunt used the opportunity to use her place cards. How funny. I didn’t want to be here, much less give a damn about who sat where. Her and Drew were seated at the heads of the table, and I was seated next to John. That left Jackie, and Edward, who sat directly across from me. He hadn’t uttered more than a mumbled hello to me, but quite a few times during dinner, I caught him staring at me. I wouldn’t be surprised if my bruises turned him on. Creep...
Next to me, John was visibly tense and his phone kept buzzing repeatedly until he placed it on silent. For the first time in my life I wished that I could read upside down. My stomach was so jacked that I could barely eat any of the succulent baked chicken or scalloped potatoes Aunt V had prepared. The forced and awkward conversations didn’t help. I felt my chest tighten like all the air was being sucked out of the room. I had to get away from this circus. Startling everyone in the room, I shoved away from the table, the legs of my chair scraping loudly against the wood floors.
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 4
