by Ali Harris
A line of trestle tables leads all the way out into the cold, frosty garden. Fairy lights are draped all around the conservatory and the garden beyond so the whole place twinkles like stars. About thirty or forty people are milling around, wearing festive hats with their coats and scarves. In the centre of the line of tables is a turkey, a gigantic ham hock and a suckling pig, as well as a heap of knives and forks, loads of bread rolls, home-made chutneys, apple sauce and cranberry sauce, along with five different salads and four different types of potatoes. A wintry wind is whistling around us, but everyone is so well inebriated no one seems to care. Loni always says each season should be celebrated and that feeling the cold air on our skin helps us feel alive. In one corner is a giant urn of mulled wine, there are bottles of home-made elderflower wine and a vat of Loni’s special sloe gin-and-rhubarb punch. There are no chairs, just a stack of paper plates and cups.
‘Welcome to A Very Crazy Loni Christmas,’ I smile as we grab plates and pile food upon them. We watch as Loni, dressed in a full fake fur over an Aztec-print pantsuit, circulates, hair spiralling in the wind, her peals of laughter bouncing off the trees.
‘So what happens now?’ Kieran asks. I’m not sure if he means right now, or with us. I go with the most comfortable version.
‘It’s Christmas, and you’re at Loni’s so there is only one thing to do.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Get drunk, of course!’ I lead him over to the urn of mulled wine.
‘Sounds good to me,’ he grins.
We jump as Cal calls for silence by banging a giant Indian drum and Loni is lifted up on the shoulders of a man to shouts, cheers and applause.
‘Who’s he?’ Kieran asks, nodding towards him as he takes a sip of warm wine.
I shrug disinterestedly. ‘He’s been to several of Loni’s retreats. He’s called Roger, I think.’
‘Well, Roger looks like all his Christmases have come at once,’ Kieran drawls and he nudges me.
‘Attention, please, everyone!’ Loni shouts, waving her arms. ‘I just wanted to take this moment to say a few words of thanks for what we all have – and what we’re about to receive . . .’ Everyone bows their head.
‘A prayer?’ Kieran scoffs. ‘Really? I didn’t know your mum was religious.’
‘She’s not,’ I reply somewhat defensively.
I think of Adam and how he never questioned Loni’s weird ways, he just accepted them, even though they were as far removed from his own upbringing as they could possibly be.
‘Merry Christmas, everyone,’ Loni says as she ends her prayer. ‘Now, let’s have some fun!’
‘Oh God,’ I groan as there is a whoop of excitement as Loni starts a conga.
‘Let’s go somewhere quiet.’ Kieran slips his arm around me and he nods towards the swing seat at the bottom of the garden.
I look at him and he is staring at me with such intensity and devotion and a kind of desperation that I know that, even though my instincts are telling me not to, I can’t resist. I have never been able to resist Kieran.
Chapter 56
We sit next to each other, clasping our warm mulled wine as we observe the party in silence: the dancing, laughing people, the twinkling lights, the stars blinking above us, the fire blazing in the fire pit, the guy with the guitar who is playing folk songs. Kieran’s hand is next to mine and slowly, slowly, he curls it around mine until our fingers are entwined. I don’t move, or breathe. I can’t. I feel as if the last eight years have fallen away. I remember how being with him always felt illicit, dangerous, exciting, just like it does now. I’m not being the good girl any more.
But does it feel good?
I glance across the garden and see Loni standing in the doorway of the conservatory. She rests her head against the doorframe and I stretch my neck, trying to see why. It isn’t like her to be on the sidelines. Then I see someone next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder. And she leans into him for a moment. It’s Roger.
Kieran follows my line of vision.
‘Looks like your mum may not be so anti-relationships after all,’ he says, nodding at Loni just as Roger whispers something to her. She shakes her head, and pushes him away gently. I’d told Kieran how worried I was about Loni’s tiredness, her lack of interest in the house, or work, the fact that she’d lost weight. If she didn’t look so well I’d have taken her to a doctor by now. ‘She’s not ill,’ Kieran continues, a mischievous tone to his voice. ‘She’s in love.’
‘No,’ I say quickly, more to myself than to Kieran. ‘She couldn’t have fallen for someone after all these years. Loni doesn’t do love.’
‘What about you, Bea? Do you do love?’ Kieran says huskily, turning me to face him.
I look down, unable to return his intense gaze and wanting to look back at Loni who I’m more preoccupied with right now. ‘I – I don’t know, I mean, I just . . .’
‘Bea,’ Kieran says, lifting my chin gently so I have no choice but to look at him. ‘I can’t go on like this much longer, being with you and not saying how I feel. I know you’re scared and uncertain, I know being with me is an enormous risk but I came back because no matter how hard I tried I’ve never been able to forget you. I’m not the same guy that left all those years ago and I hope you can see as clearly as I can that even though I’ve – we’ve – both changed there is still something very special between us.’
I’m trying to breathe, but I feel like there’s no oxygen left. I feel dizzy with confusion. After all, this is everything I spent years wanting to hear but now he’s saying it I feel like I’m submerged in a sea of doubt.
‘I need to know where I stand. I need you in my life and I need to know if you feel the same.’
‘Kieran.’ I manage to say his name but then stop. It feels like a dream. All of this feels like a dream. As if there is another version of me, one who never left Adam, who is happily married and settled and who isn’t here, obsessing about my long-lost dad and seriously contemplating being with my first love again even though it went so tragically wrong last time . . .
‘I know you’re very confused,’ Kieran adds quickly. ‘And I know I’ve brought back a lot of painful memories you wanted to forget. We both stayed away from each other for so long because of them. But no matter where we go, or who we’re with, or how far we try and pull ourselves apart we’re always going to be drawn back to each other again. We’re meant to be, babe.’
I open my mouth to reply, but as I do, Kieran lowers his lips to mine and I realise that he is going to kiss me. It is a moment I’ve waited so long for and yet, now that it’s happening, I know that it signifies an ending, not a beginning. He kisses me with such longing that I know in this one moment he is transferring all of his feelings of – not love, it doesn’t feel like love – pain, loss and regret to me. I understand. Finally I understand. As we kiss I feel as if our lives, our worlds are reshaping, merging until what has been is no more. The darkness that shrouds us both is circling and joining, as if it is burying us. I realise that this is what I’ve always been running away from, this darkness that is known only by Kieran and me. And as I pull back from him my world re-forms. I open my eyes and I see Kieran looking at me and feel that my path is completely illuminated and for the first time I know exactly what I want and where I want to go. The past is gone, there is only now left.
I pull away and jump up from the swing seat as two figures appear out of the gloom. I squint when they call my name.
‘Milly! Jay!’ I gasp. ‘Oh my God. I thought you guys were in New York!’ I step towards them and glance guiltily back at Kieran. They’re standing looking between me and Kieran, clutching a bundle of perfectly wrapped gifts. Milly is wearing a bright red swing coat that emphasises her bump. Her beautiful, newly rounded face is a picture of shock, annoyance, disbelief and disapproval.
‘Cal said he saw you come down here. Is everything all right?’ She looks at Kieran and then at me.
‘Everything’s fine!’ I exclaim, s
tanding up and throwing my arms around her. ‘I didn’t know you were coming!’
‘I can see that,’ she says coolly.
‘Hi.’ Kieran waves at Milly and smiles at her charmingly. But she ignores him. Kieran does the same to Jay, but he ignores him too. Credit to Kieran, his smile doesn’t waver but he does drop his hand.
‘Milly, you remember Kieran.’
‘I do. Unfortunately.’
‘Milly!’ I say warningly.
Kieran steps forward and slips his arm around me again. I flinch slightly – especially when I see how angry Milly looks. ‘I should probably go,’ he says.
‘There’s a surprise,’ Milly murmurs. He glances at her and I see a flicker of annoyance in his eyes but then it is gone.
‘Merry Christmas, Bea. I’ll see you soon, yeah?’ He kisses me lightly on the lips. I smile weakly and then watch as he heads off into the darkness.
Milly and Jay’s disapproval is weighing heavy in the night air and I know I shouldn’t let them see that I’m watching him go, but I can’t help myself. I feel like I’ve just made a momentous, life-changing realisation.
‘Are you going to tell us what the hell is going on then?’ Milly snaps.
I turn to face her wearily. ‘No, Milly, I’m not.’ I don’t want to have to defend myself any more. I know what I’m doing. At last.
‘Why not? We’re best friends – you should tell me everything, right, Jay?’
‘I think I’m going to leave you girls to battle this out on your own.’ He backs away quickly and then heads over to the heaving table of alcohol.
‘I can’t believe you’re seeing him. When are you going to give up on this crazy version of your life you’ve opted for that exists entirely in the past and instead get back together with the one person who is right for you?’ Milly’s voice has become ear-piercingly high-pitched. I look at her, astonished by her vehemence.
‘I threw away my chance with Adam a long time ago. You need to stop obsessing about the past and move on.’
‘Like you have? With him?’ She jerks her head round to where Kieran disappeared into the darkness.
‘Like we both have. Adam’s travelling, having a great time, meeting people, I’m sure he’s forgotten all about me . . .’
‘That’s where you’re wrong!’ she continues, her brown eyes shining passionately. ‘No matter where he’s gone or what he’s done, he’s never forgotten you. In fact, he’s been waiting for you, giving you space to come to your senses as well as trying to make everything better for you!’
I shake my head, unable to deal with this version of events.
‘He’s left his job, Bea, he’s changed his entire life for you, and not only that, he’s spent the last few months trying to find your dad for you. And he’s done it too – look!’
I blink at her, unable to take in this bombshell. I look down at the envelope she’s handed to me that has an address in Baga, Goa written on the front. I open it up. Inside is a letter from Adam and I scan his words quickly, barely able to take them in.
‘After you ran out on him and, apparently, went back to Kieran, Adam decided that, in order for you to ever be happy with him, or anyone else – he had to help you find your dad,’ Milly explains gently. ‘He knew you wanted him there at your wedding, but he also knew you’d never decide to find him yourself. He’s spent the last few months tracing all the places your dad moved to since he left Norfolk and then he’s gone to each place to try and track him down for you.’ She stops and stares at me, panting a little from the exertion of her speech. ‘Now try and tell me that isn’t just the most romantic fucking thing you’ve ever heard?’
I open my mouth to speak but I can’t. She leans against a tree, like she’s been deflated of every last bit of energy.
‘That’s what he’s been doing these past few months, Bea,’ Milly says quietly. She looks up at me sadly. ‘And all the while you’ve been acting like a reckless teenager, shagging around with Kieran!’ She shakes her head and rubs her stomach. ‘I don’t understand, Bea. I don’t understand why you would go back to him after what happened. His brother died because of him . . . you nearly died, too . . . and then he dumped you!’ I stare at her, shocked, as I see her eyes fill up with emotion. Milly never cries. ‘When you were with Kieran I was so scared I’d lose you, Bea, so scared that you would do something stupid and I’d never see you again. You had been depressed before, but when you met him it was like you didn’t give a shit about life any more. You were scarily reckless, crazy, in fact. You said that he understood you better than anyone. But he didn’t. He brought out the worst of your illness but made you feel like it was the best. Please don’t get back with him, Bea, please . . . I’m begging you as your best friend – you have to listen to me . . .’
I look at the point in the distance where Kieran disappeared and then at Milly. I fold up Adam’s letter and put it back in the envelope. I want to tell her that I haven’t done anything except try to work out who I am and why I’ve made such bad choices. I want to tell her that seeing Kieran again hasn’t been a mistake. I needed to be with him because I needed to make peace with what happened between us all those years ago. But I also want to tell her that doesn’t mean I want to be with him now.
The opposite, in fact.
Because when he kissed me just now I knew with absolute clarity that Kieran wasn’t The One. He never has been. No matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself over the past few months that this could work, it has never felt right. He’s a piece of my past, nothing more, nothing less. I was over him a long time ago. I just haven’t ever got over what we went through together. It’s not him I’ve been obsessed with all these years. It’s what happened that night on the pier. It’s not love I’ve been feeling, it’s guilt that he lost his brother and it was my fault.
And then there’s Adam. All this time I’ve been picturing Adam living this great new life without me. But instead he’s been trying to help me find myself from afar. Even after what I did to him on our wedding day. The truth is I wasn’t running away from him, I was trying to run to my long-lost dad. It’s all I’ve been doing since the day he left us. Searching for him, in the place where we shared our love of gardening, in his old diary and in Kieran: why else would I choose the kind of guy who I (and everyone who loved me) knew would leave me one day? Just like Dad had done.
And I’ve realised now that none of what has happened this year – running away from my wedding and revisiting all the choices in my life and making new ones – has been about choosing between Adam and Kieran. It has been about finding my dad.
‘Bea?’ Milly says, stepping away from the tree. ‘Are you going to say anything? Surely you can see what an idiot you’ve been?’ I stare at her dumbly and she groans in frustration. ‘God! You are infuriating! I’ve come all this way to stop you throwing away your future and you haven’t got anything to say?’
I begin to cry then because here in my childhood home, the place where both my dad and Kieran are tangled in the roots of my past, the realisation of what I’ve thrown away hits me. I ran away from Adam but he’s never left me. He’s been here for me all this time without me even knowing. Adam, my strong, loyal, patient, encouraging, kind, understanding Adam. I miss him so much. Everything I thought I knew, every choice I’ve made has just been dug up and turned over and now all that’s left is a bare plot of earth where I know Adam should be.
‘Adam loves you, Bea.’ Milly clasps my arms. ‘He always has done. I just wish you could see how much. I know it’s none of my business and I’m sure you wish I would just butt out, but I can’t allow you to throw everything away. You’re my best friend, Bea. I care about you so much and I just want you to be happy!’
‘Milly,’ I say at last. We’re both crying now. ‘You’ve always believed you’ve known what’s right for me and I’ve always followed your advice. But this time I need you to know that the one thing I’ve learned in the past few months is that I have to make my choices on my own . .
.’
‘Bea, I know, but please not Kieran—’
I take her hands. ‘If I make a mistake, it’ll be my mistake,’ I say firmly. ‘You have to just trust me, OK?’ I look at her, willing her to understand what I’m trying to say. Let me make my own choices. I promise I’ll make the right one.
She groans again. She’s always been stubborn.
‘I mean it, Milly, it’s my life and—’
Suddenly she slumps to the ground. I crouch down next to her.
‘Ohhhh,’ she gasps.
‘Milly, is it the baby?’ I demand.
‘Yes, no, I don’t know, it’s too early . . . ohhh!’ She looks up at me and her dark eyes are pools of fear. ‘She’s not due for another six weeks!’ I stand up and look manically around the garden, not moving from Milly’s side. Why can’t I be more like Cal? He’d know exactly what to do.
‘Jay!’ I scream and he turns and then bounds over, putting one hand on her tummy.
‘Milly, is the baby coming?’
She closes her eyes and nods, unable to speak for the pain. Jay looks up at me desperately. It’s so dark but I can see that Milly’s face is ghoulishly pale, like the moon shining above us.
‘CAL!’ I scream and I see my brother turn and gaze into the distance. He sprints over and throws himself into full paramedic mode whilst phoning the hospital. As he does, I have a flashback to that night, fourteen years ago, when he came into my room and found me semi-conscious, surrounded by paracetamol bottles. He wasn’t a paramedic then, but he was my hero. He acted fast, phoned the ambulance and kept me conscious until they arrived. I have no doubt he saved my life. I stand back now so he can get to her, completely petrified for Milly and Jay. Thankfully moments later an ambulance screeches down the road and pulls into the drive.
A hushed crowd has gathered around us as two of Cal’s colleagues rush over and Milly is gently lifted onto a stretcher, flanked by Jay and Cal. I grasp her hand. ‘It’s going to be OK, Milly, everything’s going to be OK, I promise.’
