by Ali Harris
Adam had shaken his head. ‘And you didn’t tell anyone?’
‘Only Kieran, after we tried to save Elliot. He said he’d tell everyone that he alone jumped. We were all soaked through from the rain anyway so no one knew the difference . . .’
‘Oh Bea,’ Adam said, pulling my head against his chest. I could feel his heartbeat against my head, like a ticking clock, indicating the passing seconds before he spoke again. I’d counted them, each and every one, and as they accumulated I knew that he was gearing up to tell me he couldn’t ever love someone as reckless and thoughtless and stupid as me.
‘You could have died,’ he said at last, lifting my head off his chest and gazing into my eyes. His were filled with shimmering pools of tears. ‘You could have died and I would never have met you.’
I pull myself out of the water and onto the beach, coughing and spluttering as the rain pounds against my back. It feels like hands congratulating me. Then, I sprint across the beach and back up onto the pier, pounding down on the wooden slats, my bare feet thundering like hooves.
Elliot is waiting for me as I run to the end, laughing and whooping and jumping up and down manically. And for a brief moment as I yell, ‘You didn’t think I’d do it!’ I feel that at last the battle is over and I’ve proved myself.
‘That looked fucking AWESOME!’ he cries, his eyes wild as he leans over the railing. The rain is lashing down even harder now and I’m starting to shiver. I wipe my face with my hand and shake my hair on the boardwalk, and by the time I look back, Elliot is climbing up on the rails. He turns, crouches like a monkey, and grins.
‘You don’t think I’d chicken out on a bet, do you? I’m INVINCIBLE!’ he shouts.
‘Don’t, Elliot, it’s not safe!’ I scream. ‘You’ve drunk too much. You’re off your head. I was lucky, that’s all!’
‘Luck’s my middle name!’
I turn and see Kieran at the other end of the pier. I wave at him desperately, but I’m not sure he can see me in the dark.
‘KIERAN!’ I see him start to run and I turn back to Elliot.
‘Look at me, bro!’ Elliot laughs and I can see Kieran is running down the pier lightning fast; he’s shouting but his words are being carried away by the wind and rain.
Elliot stands up suddenly but then his face changes as he loses his footing and he slips over the side, cracking his head as he body flips awkwardly and bangs against the side of the pier.
I scream and run to the railing where I watch his body spinning like a dandelion seed on the wind before it drops with a splash like a stone into the water.
Kieran’s screams join mine, he’s panting and hoarse and we lean over into the darkness but Elliot’s been swallowed into the blackness. I look at Kieran who is stripping off his clothes.
‘I’m going in after him!’
‘Then I’m coming in with you!’
And I climb back up onto the rails, I take Kieran’s hand and we jump.
‘You jumped in again?’ Adam said.
‘I had to try to save him. It was my fault he was up there in the first place . . .’
‘So what happened?’
‘Kieran found him. I’ll never know how he managed to drag him to the surface, but he did. Then the two of us pulled him back to the shore together. He had a massive gash on his head, there was blood everywhere. He’d been knocked unconscious on impact. Kieran tried to resuscitate him while I called an ambulance. The paramedics pronounced him dead when they arrived five minutes later.’
I’d lowered my head, aware that Adam had been stunned into silence. ‘So now you know the truth. My actions caused a young man to die. I’ve spent eight years trying to live with the guilt – unable to make any decision about my life because I couldn’t trust myself and because I didn’t think I deserved any happiness. And then Kieran showed up on our wedding day and I realised that I hadn’t really dealt with it at all. I hated myself for what I’d done. And if I couldn’t live with myself – how could I expect you to?’
Adam had taken my arms then, his face was stricken with sadness, his voice emphatic. ‘No, Bea, Elliot died because he was crazy and off his head on drink and drugs. He climbed up there of his own volition. You didn’t force him and you didn’t push him. It was an accident, a tragic accident. His, Bea, not yours. Not yours.’ And then he held me as I cried again, grieving for the young boy who had lost his life, and the girl who had never got over it.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Adam whispered over and over again as he stroked my head. ‘You weren’t to know. You have to let it go.’
Adam wakes up and he takes me in his arms and I close my eyes, luxuriating in his embrace, so much more appreciative of this amazing man after having spent nearly a year apart. Adam has always known how to lift me. I think of all the ‘Do you remember when . . .?’ stories he told me, recreating the happiest moments of our relationship to lift me out of dark places.
‘Hey you,’ he says sleepily. ‘Watcha thinking about?’
‘Oh, you know.’ I nuzzle into his neck and close my eyes. ‘Just stuff.’
He lifts up his elbow and supports his head on his hand. ‘OK, so do you remember when . . .’
I put my finger over his lips, surprising him. ‘Can we not talk about the past right now?’ I say apologetically. ‘I just want to be here . . . in this moment with you, right now.’
He nods and holds me tightly and once again I am moored.
And then he begins to murmur softly, not memories of happy moments past, but all the ones we have to come. I weep quietly as he paints a picture of our future life, our home, our family. He describes our children in detail, giving them equal parts of him and me, merging the best of us so that two people become three, and then four. He talks about his parents as grandparents, about Loni and Cal, making sure we see enough of them all so our family always has a strong, unbreakable bond. Many lives within one life.
‘Let’s go out tonight,’ Adam suggests contentedly when he’s finished plotting our future together. ‘I’ll pick you up from the flower shop after work and we’ll go for dinner.’
It’s an unseasonably warm night as Adam and I walk through the starlit streets of Canary Wharf. It’s strange being back here. I’ve had to come this evening to deliver one extra-special bouquet for a local garden designer who came in in a blind panic this morning needing some big displays for a party that evening. They got sent this afternoon but he called again just as Adam came to pick me up, asking for something more personal for a friend of his, and for me to hand-deliver them. He sounded so stressed, part of me has wondered if it’s worth seeing if he needs some sort of an assistant. He – James – had been amazed how much I knew when he was discussing the displays he needed for the roof terrace project he’d been working on this morning. I had told him about the one I’d designed at my old flat and spent a happy ten minutes discussing lighting options, dividers and design features. He told me that if it went well, he was looking to expand his business. Maybe even open an office out of London.
‘I dream about living a slower-paced life,’ he’d sighed, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief.
‘You should consider Norfolk,’ I’d smiled. ‘It’s my favourite place in the world . . . and has so many incredible gardens and country houses.’
‘How strange you should say that. I love it there too!’ he’d said, and had given me his card before he left. I pat it just to make sure it’s there. I couldn’t believe it when I realised he was the same designer I’d seen at the Chelsea Flower Show and whose garden I’d loved so much. It’s made me think about contacting him. I mean, it kind of feels like fate. In all the shops in all the cosmos he had to come in to this one, right?
The Cosmo Flowers van isn’t parked far and I’m hurrying down the street, wanting to drop the bouquets off so we can get out of here. There are too many memories for us in Canary Wharf and the one thing Adam and I said when we got back together is that we wanted to go back to the beginning: have a fresh sta
rt. That’s why living at Milly’s is perfect. We’re back where we were when we first met. We’re just going to make different decisions this time.
‘I don’t recognise the address,’ I say to Adam as we stare down the street. I walk over to a building that looks like it has some sort of glass ball on top of it and stare at it, and then at the piece of paper I’m holding. I’m about to go in when Adam catches my arm.
I follow his gaze up to the sign above the glass doors that says Hudson, Grey & Friedman.
‘What a weird coincidence!’ People are streaming in through the doors of the glass building and I watch Adam quietly for a moment. ‘Do you want to go in?’ I ask. ‘I don’t mind if you do – I mean, I’m sure your dad would appreciate the support . . . he did invite you, after all.’
Adam doesn’t say anything for a moment. We just both stare up at the party that’s happening on the roof terrace above us; a party that once upon a time we would have been at.
‘Do you know what? I really don’t,’ he says with a smile. ‘Dad knows there will be no more networking events or corporate dinners, no more socialising as anything other than father and son. This isn’t my world any more.’
I kiss him then slip inside the building to deliver the bouquet. I’m nervous in case I bump into anyone, so I quickly give it to the security guard with a request to take it up to the top floor.
‘All done,’ I say as I run back to Adam’s side.
With one last look up at the building, Adam slips his arm around my waist and we walk along laughing and talking under a perfectly starlit sky.
Chapter 71
Bea Hudson is wondering if it’s all over.
It’s past midnight by the time the last guests have gone and only the caterers and a couple of stragglers are left. I walk back out onto the terrace. I know I should feel relaxed, relieved now that it is all over but I just feel empty. It was a great success – even George took a moment out of his hectic networking schedule to come and congratulate me. ‘Bloody good job,’ he’d said and kissed me with a red-wine-stained smile. Then it had faded. ‘I hope we’ll see Adam soon.’ He’d looked sad for a moment as he glanced around the emptied terrace. ‘I’d hoped he’d be here tonight but he’s told me firmly he’s not coming back to the company. He made the rules for our relationship clear when he called me from India.’ India? I had no idea he’d gone there . . . I wonder why? Suddenly I feel like I can see him standing on some beautiful beach like the ones Loni always talks about. I must ask her more about it. Maybe I’ll go there with her one day. Have a girls’ holiday. Reconnect with her again.
I focus back on George. ‘No talking about work, he told me. He said he wants to be his own man – my son, not my successor.’ He sighed. ‘I suppose I’ve got to let him lead his own life. The trouble is, the one I’ve worked so hard for is such a good one, I wanted it for him too. I miss him, you know, Bea. Often I wonder if I’ve been a good enough father, made the right choices.’ And then he shook his head and disappeared into the throng again.
I see him now, saying goodbye to the caterers, and he comes back out onto the roof terrace. ‘You coming, Bea? I’ll call a car to take you home if you like.’
‘I think I’ll just stay here a few minutes more if that’s OK, George. I just want to soak up the moment and the view for a little bit longer.’
He nods and lifts his hand. ‘I’ll let security know. Well done again, you did the family proud today, love.’
I grab two last glasses of champagne from a half-empty tray and go and sit at the iPad bar. I glance at my watch as I take a sip. I know he’s going to come, I just know it. I look up at the full moon that shines above me, a pale white clock-face against the bright, almost digital glow of the city below. Each light that flickers in a window, or on a passing car, seems to me to be numbered, a steadily growing number of lives in a vast city of people all desperate to make their mark, make the right decisions, live the best version of their lives.
‘What a beautiful view,’ I hear a voice say. I smile and pick up the flowers that I ordered when I went into Sal’s shop to see her and baby Aaron and asked if someone could deliver them here tonight. I turn and there he is. Adam. The same, but different somehow. Gone is the smart suit and stressed-out expression. He’s wearing jeans and a hoodie, his hands are pushed deep down into his pockets, the uplights from the terrace illuminating his tanned, relaxed face.
‘I knew you’d come,’ I say softly as I step towards him, the scent of the flowers filling the air.
‘Just in time, by the look of things.’ Adam smiles but there is a hint of concern in his eyes. ‘Are they from an admirer?’ He nods at the bouquet in my arms.
I glance down at them and shake my head with an enigmatic smile.
‘They should be,’ Adam says, gazing around at the roof terrace as he tentatively takes my hand. ‘What you’ve done here, it’s incredible. I’m so proud of you.’
I feel a flush of pleasure. Not just because he’s proud, but because I am. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you, Ad.’
‘Of course you could,’ he laughs. ‘You just did!’
I take his other hand and we turn to face each other. ‘Even so, I couldn’t have done it without your support. You’ve always made me feel like I can do anything I want; you gave me the confidence to do something I’ve never really believed I deserved to do.’ I lean in to him and lift my lips to his. It’s been two months since I saw my husband and I don’t want to talk any more. I want to kiss him. I want us to start the next stage of our life together.
‘You must believe it now though, right?’ Adam says, stroking my hair that’s blowing around my face. I’m thinking about getting it cut short; it’d be much easier with my job. I look up at him and nod.
‘And I’ve decided what I want too,’ I say determinedly. I weave my arms around his neck and clasp my hands so Adam can’t tell they’re shaking. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me, or feel like he doesn’t have a choice. Neither of us knows what decision the other person has come to. He’s back, but are either of us willing to merge our worlds, cross the line that forced us apart last time?
He gazes at me as I stare out at the city, feeling my pulse race and my voice shake as I prepare to take the first step.
‘Ad, I’ve decided that I don’t want to live in London any more. I don’t belong here, I don’t think I ever have. I only came because of Milly, and then I stayed because of you. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, it is that I have to make decisions based on what I think will make me happy.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I want to move back home for a while. I want to go back to university and finish the degree I started all those years ago. I found out last week that I’ve got a place at UEA to do the third year of my garden design degree.’
‘That’s amazing news!’ Adam says and I smile. I’m so happy, but I still don’t know if choosing it will cost me my relationship. It’s a chance I’ve decided I have to take.
‘I want, no, I know that for my own happiness – and health – I need to be able to run along the beach, to tend to a garden, to see my mum whenever I want, find out more about my dad. Maybe I’ll try and find him, maybe I won’t, but the one thing I do know is I can’t live here any more, in London.’ He nods and looks up into the night sky. ‘I know none of this may be compatible with your dreams, Adam,’ I blurt out, ‘or your vision for the future – and that thought petrifies me because I can’t imagine doing any of it without you.’ I feel sick as I stare at the face I love and that I’m not sure if I’m about to lose. He then steps forward and looks down into the street below, as if he is imag- ining himself elsewhere – wandering through the city streets perhaps, laughing with someone who is happy to follow him wherever he wants to go. ‘What about you?’ I ask, swallowing back the fear I feel. Whatever the outcome, I’m strong enough to deal with it. ‘What have you decided?’
He pauses for a moment before he turns around. ‘I think I’m still working it out to be honest
,’ Adam says, looking back at me, his grey eyes fixed firmly on mine. It is a strange turnaround for me to be the one certain of my choices, while Adam is still floundering. ‘I left you knowing that I had to have some time to myself. I wanted to work out where in my life I’d been happiest. I went to Paris first, back to all the places we visited on our honeymoon, I visited loads of galleries and museums, I even went back to our secret garden . . . none of it was the same without you. I went to New York next, just to get an idea of whether I’d want to live there. I love that city but, again, I couldn’t imagine being there without you. I flew out to India as I thought I’d find the answers there. But I just felt lonely. All I could think about was watching the incredible sunsets with you, browsing the night market together or riding pillion on the back of a moped.’ He grasps my hand and I can see he is as petrified of this moment as me. ‘I know now that life isn’t about winning pitches, or getting promoted, it’s not about being seen in the right places, or having a career that my parents are proud of. It’s about doing what makes me happy, with the people – the person who makes me happiest.’ I look at him hopefully. ‘The thing is, Bea, I don’t know what I want from my future yet, I’ve had it mapped out for me for so long I need more time. But the one thing I do know is who I want to spend it with . . .’
I take a sharp breath as he cups my face. ‘Just to clarify, it’s you,’ he says.
‘Really?’ I ask, feeling like my heart has burst into bloom.
He smiles and points at the sky. ‘As certain as night follows day, the moon circles the earth, and the stars will always shine . . .’
‘So what now?’ I whisper as he leans his forehead against mine.
He shrugs. ‘I don’t know! God, it feels liberating to say that! For the first time in my life I don’t have to look at a diary, or think about my career plan. I don’t have to listen to Dad telling me what he was doing at my age. I’m just going to take my time and enjoy . . . not knowing. In the meantime I plan on supporting you in your career. I’m going to put the flat on the market, hopefully start looking for a place for us in Norfolk. Maybe I’ll set up my own business, I might freelance for a while . . .’
