I cried with Mom, for all the hurt, all the guilt she felt. The way she’d suffered her whole life for an accident that truly wasn’t her fault. Choking back her sobs she turned to me, and said, “Then I met your dad. I didn’t want to fall in love, but I did. I definitely didn’t want to have children, but then you came along… I was happy, which felt like the worst kind betrayal. How could I have a child when they’d lost theirs? But I loved you, how I loved you the very moment I met you. And then I thought, but what if I lose you too? What if you were snatched away as punishment? It was easier to hold myself back from you, not to tempt fate by showing how I felt. Not giving into those overwhelming feelings of love.”
“Oh, Mom…” I’d never in a million years have guessed it was all as complicated as that. What a waste her life had been, punishing herself, and pushing me away so I wouldn’t get taken from her, because she felt she didn’t deserve to have a child she loved. I moved to hug her. Her shoulders were wracked with sobs and I stroked her back, hoping to comfort her.
“You have to let the past go, Mom. You can’t keep blaming yourself.”
She sniffed and nodded. “I know. But it just feels so wrong, like I’m disgracing her memory.”
“You’ve suffered long enough, Mom. No one would begrudge you happiness. No one.”
She remained silent and I thought about the Evergreen townsfolk and how well they’d kept her secret. “You realize no one spoke out of turn about you? All the people I asked kept their lips clamped closed because they didn’t want you to have to relive it. That says a lot about you, and the way Evergreen locals regard you, Mom. They don’t blame you, so maybe it’s time you forgave yourself.”
She nodded stiffly but didn’t speak, and together we turned to stare at the maze, the place that had haunted her for so long. Would she finally forgive herself? Surely she’d lived with this grief for far too long now.
***
“Let’s take Scotty for a walk?” Amory asked, interrupting my thoughts, her eyes clouded with concern for me. Since Mom had left I’d been staring out the bay window, watching the snow drift lazily down while I tried to reconcile everything I’d heard. I nodded. A walk would do me good.
“You’d better put his little vest on,” I said, glancing at the overexcited puppy, who’d just learned the meaning of ‘walk’.
I’d laughed over the last week as packages had arrived for Amory at an endless rate. She’d found an online doggie designer who made everything from coats to t-shirts. I’d have put money on the fact that Scotty’s mini wardrobe probably had more designer labels than mine.
“Ah, so you’re saying you don’t think my puppy purchases were so silly now?” She arched a brow.
I giggled. “Well, I think a doggy jumper is probably wise in the snow… I’m just not sure about the design.”
She rolled her eyes. “Doggy denim is hot right now, and how much does it suit the caramel tones of his fur?”
“Oh my God, you’re one of the designer doggie moms. How sad for you, Amory.” Scotty tried to escape her clutches as she wrestled yet another doggy jumper on him.
“Yeah, I know! How sad am I.” She giggled, not sad in the slightest.
We wound on scarves, and made our way outside, the cold, crisp air stealing the breath from my lungs.
“Have you spoken to Kai today? I didn’t see him at breakfast, which is unlike him,” she said, wrinkling her brow.
“He was heading to the chalets the last time I saw him, but then Mom came over…” I trailed off, the unspoken words hanging in the air.
“God, that view just never gets old,” Amory said, pointing to the snow-covered mountains in the distance, gray, somber skies above filling the silence we’d lapsed into. “It always sort of shocks me when I walk outside and see the sky, rather than a skyscraper. It stuns me for a second, every single time, and then I wonder how I lived so long without a place like Cedarwood in my life. If I had to leave Evergreen, I’d miss it every single day.”
Gone was the high-heel-wearing Manhattanite, gone was the girl who’d spend an hour doing her hair every single morning. Cedarwood had gotten under her skin, she’d swapped heels for boots, sleep-ins for morning walks, and straight hair for windblown curls. Life was so much easier here, so natural.
Scotty ran past us, barking at a rabbit who hopped past, easily evading his curiosity.
“So, are you going to tell me what happened with your mom?” Amory asked.
I spent the next hour explaining everything to my best friend, how I’d felt growing up, and what I thought would happen to my mom now the secret was out.
“Golly, goes to show you just never know what someone is really going through,” she said, shaking her head.
“I know,” I replied with a nod.
Amory hugged herself tight, calling Scotty back from the dense foliage by the lake. “I think you did the right thing, getting her to come out here. To explain it to you in person and face up to the past. Now you can both finally move forward. It’s time to focus on the future.”
“What about the maze?”
“Ask your mom. Involve her in it. What does she want? Really, you can understand if she wanted it to remain hidden. Maybe you could plant a rose garden there, in memory of the child. Something to honor her, and what happened.”
“That’s a great idea, Amory. It would be nice to remember Tabitha, not hide away from it any more.” I gazed out across the expanse of water, still frozen, waiting for spring to come bringing its thaw. “Maybe it would also give Mom a sense of closure.”
“Oh, darling, it definitely would. I mean, look at what your mom’s been through, and how she punished herself for so long over a tragic accident. It’s so bloody sad. I hope she starts to forgive herself soon.”
“Me too.” I turned back to my best friend and smiled, feeling the pressure of the secret lift off my shoulders. “Thanks, Amory. It’s so nice to be able to talk about it openly now.”
We walked in silence for a while before I said, “So, you know we have nothing booked for the next two weeks, and after that we’re going to be super-busy the way our bookings and enquiries are going.”
“Yeah, and where exactly are you going with this little tidbit?” She stared me down, provoking a laugh. She knew me too well.
“Well, if you wanted to go for a quick vacation, I don’t know, to South America…”
She swatted me on the arm. “You minx. Threaten to push me over a cliff, you would, just so I’d agree to meet the parents. You know,” she said more seriously, “I think I might take you up on that, though, because it does seem really important to Cruz, and I’m a bit of a harridan for saying no before, aren’t I?”
“You’re not a harridan.” I searched her face, so glad to have her here and realizing she was truly a different person to the one who’d arrived a few months ago. It wasn’t that she was maturing – she could still be the most childish person I knew – but she stopped to think about other people more, considered their feelings, their wants and needs ahead of her own. While we were busy at the lodge, we also had more time to reflect; the peace and quiet of the place gave you ample time to think about life and love and everything in between. It was shaping Amory in a way I hadn’t seen before. Already perfect in my eyes, she was just losing that prickly edge she sometimes showed the world to hide her vulnerability.
“Will you puppysit?” she asked suddenly, shaking me out of my reverie. “When we go to South America? I mean, I’m only going for a week. I absolutely refuse to leave you and Scotty for any longer than that, no matter what Cruz says!”
I smiled. “Of course. Scotty will be fine with me.” It would make the lonely nights easier, when they were gone. Kai would be gone by then too… At least I’d have a little ball of fur to curl up with.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
With one day until the party, things ramped up at the lodge. Deliveries were coming thick and fast, and Amory directed everyone with the assiduity of a railway conductor w
hile I was busy tearing my hair out in the office.
“Tim, I totally understand, he wants it perfect – but he has to remember we’ve had less than a week to make this happen. And we’re in Evergreen, not exactly a hive of activity where I can step out at any hour for supplies.”
He sighed, and I could hear his frustration down the phone. “I know, I know. I don’t think he really gets it.”
I softened a little. “Look, tomorrow he will be so totally wowed with what we’ve done he won’t notice the things we didn’t do. We’re about to start decorating – full Gatsby Roaring Twenties-style – and I promise you, you’ll be searching the crowd for F. Scott Fitzgerald himself, that’s how amazing it will look.”
“Thanks, Clio. I know you’ve worked miracles to get it done on time and we’ve kept throwing curveballs. Maybe once this is done we can have that drink?”
“I’d love to catch up with the gang again, Tim…”
“With the gang? Not just us two?”
I thought of Kai, of the fact that ever since I’d told him how I felt he’d somehow managed to avoid me. To be fair, after everything with my mom, I hadn’t exactly been looking for him or in the right frame of mind to talk about it all. But still…
I sighed and tried to say what I needed to in the clearest way, but I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “Tim, I’m sorry, but I don’t think just the two of us dating is the best decision. Honestly, I think we’re more suited to being just friends. I know we used to have something special, but I think you’re caught up in the past. Things are different now.”
He let out a soft groan. “I had a feeling that was coming,” he said. “I wish things weren’t different, Clio. But I understand. Maybe there will be someone for me at the party, a girl I can sweep off her feet.” He laughed as if he was joking, but part of me thought he was serious. Maybe he was really ready to love again. I hoped he’d find someone sweet and at the same stage in life as he was.
I felt lighter now I’d finally spoken up. It was better that he knew I was only interested in him as a friend. “Well, if you’re really interested… your secretary Vanessa seems a little smitten with you.” I’d spoken to Vanessa close to a hundred times that week, and she’d always steered the conversation back to Tim, her voice dreamy.
“Vanessa? No, I think you’re mistaken. Vanessa doesn’t say more than two words to me. We correspond by email even though her office is attached to mine.” Love! We really made it hard for ourselves. My matchmaker hat flew on…
“Let’s see what some Gatsby sparkle does,” I laughed, already wondering how I could maneuver them under some mistletoe.
He laughed. “See you tomorrow, Clio. And thanks again.”
Once I hung up, I emailed Vanessa. What? So, the matchmaker instinct was strong in me.
Timothy mentioned how much he’s looking forward to dancing with you at the Gatsby party. I hope you have your dancing shoes at the ready…
She replied instantly:
He did?!
I left it at that. Sometimes the only way forward was when someone gave you a little shove.
***
In the ballroom, Isla’s face was dusted with glitter, and she sneezed before greeting me with a quick wave. “We’re going to be sweeping up gold for the next ten years,” she laughed as she tied a bunch of balloons together and put them by the cocktail bar.
Scotty ran underfoot, leaving a trail of debris in his wake. To say he was quite enamored with the decorations was an understatement and none of us wanted to begrudge him his fun.
That was until Scotty munched on one of the feather boas and Micah suggested we put the puppy outside while we finished up.
Amory’s eyes flashed and she lifted Scotty to her chest. “You… you MONSTER! It’s freezing out and you want me to put a poor defenseless animal outside for the sake of one piddly feather boa?”
“He’s got a real fur coat,” Micah added unhelpfully. “And a faux-furry jacket to boot.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You are truly despicable! When you and Isla have your first child I will remember this, and instead of getting a gold locket for their first lock of hair, you’re now getting silver!” She stomped off and it was all I could do not to laugh.
Micah let out a snort. “What the hell!”
I shook my head, “Let’s just keep going. I’m sure you’ll convince her to go back to a gold locket soon?” I laughed and we continued decorating.
On the table we had vases full of feathers, the tips dipped in gold, and glittery candles, and strings of pearls were draped over the back of each chair. The photo booth was set up in the corner with props: moustaches on sticks, feather boas, black and gold cigarette holders and pearl necklaces.
Micah had convinced Kai to stop the renovations he’d been doing on the chalets to help us decorate and they’d already draped the ceiling in black tulle, which cascaded down elegantly. I’d tried so many times to get his attention lately but he’d been running here and there. Worry gnawed at me – maybe I’d put him in an uncomfortable position by sharing my feelings?
Snapping myself out of any anxiety, I looked at the rest of the room, trying to get my head back in the game. We’d hung various art deco signs saying things like: Drop it like F Scott, and Prohibition ends here. I was giddy with how great the ballroom looked. It was completely transformed, and you’d never have recognized it from the bridal expo we’d held just over a week ago.
Sailing back into the kitchen, Cruz had everything under control. I could tell by the way he glided around humming, his chef’s whites pristine, foodie smells scenting the air. “All OK?” I asked.
“Smashing, dollface.”
I laughed.
“I’ll mind my potatoes then!” I trilled in my best attempt at a flapper accent, and sashayed out. We were on track! This party was going to propel guests back to the twenties, and who didn’t want to spend some time in the jazz era?
We had a few hours until the guests were arriving so I went to find Amory and check she was OK after her spat with poor Micah, who was still confused over how he’d upset her. It was only that Amory had fallen hard for her canine progeny, and her protectiveness for Scotty knew no bounds.
Taking the steps two at a time, I found Amory talking earnestly to Isla halfway up the stairs about how to apply eyeshadow for the smoky-eye effect.
“We’re all set, pretty much,” I said.
“Why don’t we get ready together and I can show Isla how it’s done?” said Amory when I caught up.
“Let’s! The jazz band is arriving in an hour, and we’ve got to help Aunt Bessie set up too. So let’s get our skates on.”
I let them go ahead and watched them giggle like schoolgirls as they ran up the rest of the stairs, Scotty going at double speed to catch them on his little legs. I couldn’t wait to transform myself into a flapper.
After a quick shower, I joined the girls in Amory’s suite.
“Oh my God, Isla, you look like Clara Bow herself!” She was draped in pearls and had an exotic and intricate feathery headpiece attached, with her hair curled and tucked up. Amory had applied her makeup perfectly – smoky eyes, ruby-red lips.
“Thanks, Clio! I feel like I’ve dunked my head into wet cement, but the mirror certainly says otherwise.”
I laughed, remembering Isla rarely wore makeup and was usually more comfortable wearing work clothes than sequined dresses and heels.
Amory clucked her tongue. “I’m so proud,” she joked, and began getting herself ready, including applying false lashes encrusted with diamantes that made her look every inch a twenties movie starlet.
An hour and a bit later we sparkled and shimmied as we walked downstairs, in a mixture of sequins, beads and pearls, on a cloud of sultry perfume. They sure knew how to dress to impress back in the jazz era.
Micah was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and held out a hand to Isla, kissing her sweetly on the cheek and murmuring in her ear. Cruz was still in the kitchen so Amo
ry went to show off her Charleston moves to him there. I was about to head out on my pre-party check, but gasped when I saw Kai standing off to the side, a thumb looped in the pocket of his three-piece suit. The wavy-haired athlete had vanished and been replaced with a suave and sophisticated specimen of a man. Was it hot in here? His blue eyes shone appreciatively as he gave me a slow once-over.
“It’s clear to me now that you were born in the wrong era, Clio…”
“Likewise, mister.” We stared into each other’s eyes and I wondered why he’d been avoiding me. I wanted to ask him, but Aunt Bessie walked in, arms laden with boxes. Besides, it smacked of desperation, didn’t it? Better to pretend all was well, and save my pride.
“There you are, you glamourpuss. Can you take this please?” Aunt Bessie drawled.
Kai, ever the gentleman, stepped forward. “Here, let me take those.”
She gave him a saucy eyebrow waggle. “If I was younger…”
“Aunt Bessie!” I said, faux-shocked. She was a flirt from way back when.
“What? He looks good enough to eat.”
Laughter burbled from me. “Let’s get you set up.”
From the boxes Aunt Bessie unloaded a range of donuts, burnished gold and black to suit the theme.
“They’re so pretty, Aunt Bessie!” I said, ogling a tray of mini gold-glitter donuts.
“I’ve got the most amazing cake pops too, done with edible black lacquer, so shiny you can see yourself in them.”
We went briskly back to work, setting up her dessert table. Before I knew it, cars were crunching the gravel and our first guests arrived, drawing excited squeals from us all. Amory and I would usually be hosting a party near Times Square, waiting for the ball drop, but here we were, making Cedarwood Lodge the place to be. Even though we were technically working, it felt like a fairy tale come true to be sashaying around the lodge in a flapper dress.
Taking a moment, I watched as everyone got into position. We were getting more organized, my team, like a finely tuned machine, and I beamed with pride.
Winter at Cedarwood Lodge Page 35
