“Look. I’m sorry. I still… Things have changed.” He retreated a step, swinging the door with his movement.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He shook his head, and damn it to hell if he didn’t look legitimately sad when he did it. “Exactly what I said, things have changed.” When I stepped forward again, making it clear that wasn’t answer enough, he continued, “The best thing you could do is talk to Lacey. I thought I could handle this; I was wrong. Truth is, I’m not sure we should see each other for a while.”
I hadn’t been moving fast enough to skitter to a stop, but that’s what it felt like my body did. Almost a hiccup. A rip in time. A glitch in the Matrix. Something very, very wrong. “What?”
“I still feel like I’m poison for you, Jenna. It’s why I went to the interview today.” He took a single step back toward the safety of his church—toward sanctuary. He didn’t deserve it.
“What happened to needing me in your life? To Lacey and Adam not mattering as much as us being together?”
“I did. I do.” He raked his fingers through his hair, and I wanted to rush over and shake him. He wasn’t allowed sexy gestures. Not right now. “Everyone was right.”
“What the bloody fuck are you talking about?”
“You deserve better, Jenna. You deserve a guy without the messed-up baggage I’m carrying. One who can promise a forever you can believe in without reservations.”
“I don’t have reservations!” As the words left my mouth, I nearly choked the lie. I’d questioned his bathroom just last weekend. “Okay. Maybe I have a few, but that doesn’t mean it has to be over. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean I deserve better. Hello? You want to talk baggage, my former fiancé left me for my best friend. I’m about as emotionally screwed up as they come, yet somehow you and I still worked. Against all the damn odds, we had something good. And now you’re going to throw it away?”
“I just need some time to be sure.”
“That’s it, huh?” The lie might have been bitter; this truth tasted like bile. “I don’t know what happened, but it looks like you just moved your song and dance from Chicago to Detroit. One night in your place and it’s all over. To make it even better it looks like Lacey got both my guys: the one I was better off without and the one I’m not sure I can live without.” I didn’t bother clarifying which was which. If he didn’t know, he could spend the rest of forever wondering. There was no way I could deal with seeing him every day, not now. “Probably best you take that job in Toledo, because we can’t both work for my father.”
“Jem—”
“No.” I shook my head as tears burned my eyes. “You don’t get to call me nicknames. You don’t get to tease. You don’t get to banter. Not anymore. You want space, Sutton? After breaking all the promises you made me this summer, you can have all the space you could possibly want.”
He gave a sigh so deep his entire body sagged when he exhaled. “Tell your dad I’m sorry about the lack of notice. I got an offer I couldn’t pass up.”
An apology for Dad and nothing for me. “I’m not going to lie to him for you. Tell him your damn self.” With as much strength as I could muster, I pitched the rock and spun around. I heard it hit something, but I didn’t bother sticking around to find out what.
…
I’m not sure how I made it through Friday without killing myself or breaking something ridiculously expensive. I really thought he’d show up and apologize, tell me what an idiot he’d been and how he couldn’t live without me. Apparently, I’d been the idiot—again.
Whatever excuse Sutton gave Dad, my father never mentioned it. In fact, Sutton’s name never came up, which pretty much told me there was no way I could hide this newest breakup from my parents.
At least we were done with our share of the remodel on TJ Lohan’s house. I wouldn’t have to be reminded at every turn of a dark corner Sutton and I had kissed in or the cabinets I’d almost demolished that now stood in his kitchen. We could move on to a new job with fewer memories.
The thought didn’t help as much as I’d hoped. Neither did yet another text from Lacey over the weekend.
J—
Stuff has changed. I need to talk to you. Please.
—L
Because of course now that my love life resembled Antarctica minus the penguins, I definitely wanted to chitchat. Until today I’d resisted any itty-bitty urge to respond. But damn it, if I didn’t get to have Sutton in my life, I was clearing out every last one of the Bells.
With all due respect (which there really isn’t any at this point), fuck you. You got everything you wanted. Congrats. Now stay the hell out of my life.
Hitting send should have felt good. I wanted it to feel good. Closure and all that. Instead, it only left me even emptier, which I hadn’t thought possible.
And it had the unfortunate side effect of curiosity.
Lacey and I had been friends—real friends, not frenemies. This couldn’t be about rubbing it in my face. Which made me wonder what had she been so desperate to talk about all this time? And why now after Sutton had deserted me?
Was it worth the heartache to get involved with the Bell family in order to find out?
Chapter Twenty
-Sutton-
I was going to be sick. The very last thing I wanted was to hurt Jenna. It was the whole reason I’d given her up after the fight, because that’s exactly what I was destined to do if we stayed together.
For a while I’d thought I could pull off just putting a little distance between us to avoid outright lying about Lacey.
Jenna had hit the nail on the head, though—my patterns hadn’t changed as much as I’d hoped. One night. I had her at my place for one night, and as soon as Lacey asked me to keep her secret, my reaction was to put Jenna at arm’s length.
She wasn’t like the women in Chicago, not in the least, but I seemed to be treating her as if she was. If I’d known it would never happen again, if I’d trusted there’d be no more lies standing between us, maybe I could have been the guy she deserved. As much as I wanted there to be, there were no guarantees.
I had to let her go.
I stood at the railing overlooking the main floor and stared at the plywood I’d tacked over the window. I’d spent the last week and a half pouring my time, energy, and savings into finishing the main floor. The only thing I hadn’t touched was the window she’d broken less than seven days ago.
Everything looked picture-perfect.
Except the spot where Jenna had left her mark.
The house mirrored my damn soul. There was a hole all the work in the world couldn’t fill. Earlier in the day, when the last of my furniture had arrived, I’d settled onto the sofa with my laptop.
The company from Toledo wanted me for a second interview. Me and one other candidate. I knew the job was mine if I wanted it—my recommendations from Chicago were glowing, and I hadn’t been off the job long enough to throw up any red flags.
When they’d asked why I left, I’d simply said the city hadn’t been a good fit—and Toledo definitely wasn’t Chicago. The interviewer had laughed with me at the joke.
Now I stood at my bedroom rail and sucked on the bottle of Two Hearted Ale in my right hand while the fingers of my left flipped my contact’s card over and over. It should have been an easy choice. I could get back into my career, and the church was ready to put on the market if I wanted.
There wasn’t anything holding me in Detroit anymore. Lacey had kicked Adam to the curb, and Jenna…
If I left, it’d be easier for her to move on with her life. No Adam getting in the way. No me getting in the way. She could find a path to make all those dreams in her eyes come true.
I hadn’t sent the email. Instead, I drank and fondled the card, waiting to see which part of me would give up first. While there was no doubt in my mind which way I wanted things to land, I needed to know where my heart truly lay.
A sharp rapping on the door startled me badly enough
I missed catching the card as it flipped over my knuckles, and I watched it flutter through the open air to land on the gleaming hardwood downstairs. What did that mean? That I’d let go?
The knocking came again, and I shook off the question to make my way downstairs. A wise man would have installed a peephole after the Jenna incident. A smart man would have asked who was there. I was a few bottles and a lot of self-loathing to the wind; I opened the door.
“Evening, Sutton.” Mr. Brandt stood on my front stoop, hands clasped in front of him like he was at prayer.
“I… Hello, sir. I didn’t expect to see you here.” Because that was the understatement of the year. When I’d called with the lie about accepting a finance position, I had assumed I’d never see him again.
He presented an envelope I hadn’t noticed. “Brought your last check. I have to say I’m sorry we lost you—in both manners of speaking.”
“Mr. Brandt, if Jenna sent you—”
“Ha! If Jenna knew I was here, she’d have my head. Can’t say as I approved of you two dating right after her breakup with Adam, but I do know you made her happy for a while. What I saw in my daughter’s eyes the night she told us the two of you were officially an item…”
Shit. She’d told them?
“I knew that look. It was the one I wore when her mother took me back after those four years apart. It was the look of someone who’s finally realized exactly where home is.” He pressed the check into my hand and shrugged. “I’m an old man now, though. What the hell do I know about love? I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for with your new job, son.”
He turned and walked to his truck, not bothering to wait for me to respond. Probably for the best since I didn’t have a fucking clue what to say. I knew the expression he was talking about, too. I’d worn it for a while that same day—until I’d found Lacey waiting for me. I wanted it back—for myself and Jenna—more than I wanted to breathe.
I choked down a swallow of my beer. It didn’t matter what I wanted; things were better this way. Jenna could find real happiness with someone who deserved her, and Lacey could build a life with someone, anyone, better than Adam. As for me, I could make a decision about the interview.
The fact of the matter was, Toledo might’ve been different from Chicago, but it wasn’t any better a fit for me. Jenna had been right. This church wasn’t only my home, it was a part of me. I’d avoid her as much as possible, but I wasn’t leaving. Not yet.
I had just plucked the business card off the floor when my phone rang. Mom. I’d been avoiding calls from my family since the breakup and Lacey’s announcement. They’d taken the pregnancy news better than expected, if not great, but I still didn’t want to hear the sob stories about the canceled wedding or how hard Lacey’s life was going to be. I could cope with that from Lacey, not Mom.
If I was going to pretend I’d grown up at all though, I couldn’t ignore them forever. Steeling myself for whatever might come from the other end of the call, I answered. “Hey, Mom.”
“Hello, Sutton.” Not angry, always a good sign. Still, something was off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the tone in her voice yet. “The party is still on.”
I choked on the swallow of beer, some of it spewing from my mouth. “What? I thought the wedding was off?” If that bastard had lured her in…
“It is. I watched your sister break up with Adam. He won’t be returning, that’s for sure.” She let out a deep sigh. “The problem is, this close to the date, we’d lose every cent of the deposit on the hall. Which means I’ve been on the phone since breakfast telling everyone the big news and the reception is now a formal baby shower. It’s still suits and dresses, only the celebration has changed.”
“That’s…”
“Unorthodox I know, especially when she’s only through her first trimester, but it’ll help her get on her feet since everyone was planning on spending for a wedding anyway. You’re still going to come, right?”
I’d answered a lot of loaded questions in my days. This one sounded far too much like a field of wildflowers with land mines buried underneath. “Of course. She’s my sister.”
“And Jenna?”
I lit a candle and held the edge of the paper in the flame. The fist that had held my heart in a death grip since Mr. Brandt left squeezed a little harder. “We broke up. I promised Lacey I wouldn’t tell Jenna about the pregnancy, and that ripped us apart.”
“Did you consider it might be time to stop bowing to your sister?”
Flames licked my fingers, and I dropped what was left of the business card. It singed my hardwood as I stomped on it before it set the whole place on fire. “What?”
I could see her crossing her arms over her chest as she heaved another sigh. “Yes, Sutton, Lacey needed you to make her see sense where Adam was concerned, and I will forever be grateful to you for keeping her from making a horrible mistake. However, she’s going to be a mother. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.”
“We’re family, Mom. We can help her. And I can at least not make it any harder for her.”
“No. Lacey chose this path. We aren’t going to hold her hand through every step of it. She’s going to get a job and learn how to make this work, like thousands of other women before her. If she hasn’t made her peace with Jenna yet, that’s her problem. Not yours.”
True as that might be, it was too late. Jenna had seen beyond the crap in my past and still wanted me. I’d repaid that by doing everything I could to make her think I hadn’t changed at all—that I hadn’t cared about her. I’d been a fucking child—refusing to take any responsibility for what I’d done and letting her fill in the blanks.
Lacey didn’t want me to tell Jenna, so I’d agreed and let guilt eat at me rather than dealing with it. Then I’d stupidly decided it meant I hadn’t changed one bit and encouraged Jenna to think the same damn thing.
Change was a choice. Jenna had turned her back on revenge by choice—because it was stupid and nothing but a path to more pain. Lacey had decided to go it alone, not because I’d forced her to, but because she knew it was the right thing. Maybe it was time for me to start making smart choices instead of easy ones.
“…You both need to stop being children. It’s time you grew up and took some responsibility for your actions—all your actions, Sutton.”
I could barely breathe, much less talk. It was as if she’d read my mind. “I…yeah. I’ll talk to you later, Mom.”
Before she managed another word, I hung up, staring alternately at the phone in my grip and the charred remains on my floor. It wound up the opposing forces had ended in a draw. I’d set fire to the card because I was sure I could be whole here, but the hollow inside me had burned so much there was nothing left except emptiness.
And I’d done it entirely to myself.
Time to decide the best way to initiate damage control.
Chapter Twenty-One
-Jenna-
Two weeks and I wasn’t getting any better. At all.
Every day I went to work, still hoping and praying Sutton would be there. Instead, I put on my pink tool belt and carried his memory around with me.
Dad tried to talk to me, but…what was he going to say? Sorry, sweetheart, I lied at dinner that night when I said I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to you. He’s a douche. You’re better off.
The words would have been empty. Dad wasn’t a liar, and even if Sutton was a douche, I definitely wasn’t better off.
And now it was Saturday, the day my ex-best friend was set to marry my ex-boyfriend—at least according to the invitation I’d gotten in the mail—and I didn’t even have a wall to demolish. Wishing I’d never hooked up with Sutton wasn’t helping that issue, either. The blessed fucking union was still happening, and I was spending the day in bed, staring at the perfect blue sky peeking through my blinds.
Mom poked her head through the door. “I brought you some lunch.”
Lunch already? I glanced at th
e clock. Past lunch. “I didn’t realize it was that late.” I pushed myself up, knowing I should get out of bed. Also knowing that I totally didn’t want to.
She put the sandwich on my nightstand and sat gingerly on the edge of my bed. “I remember what it’s like; don’t worry on my account.”
I frowned, and she let out a laugh so wry it almost sounded painful. “We’re very similar, you and I. This is exactly how I spent the first few months after your father left. The only difference was I had you. There’s nothing quite like a preschooler to drag you from bed. I was lucky you were a good kid, because I might have been upright, but I spent most of those days staring out the window like you were a minute ago.”
“How’d you get past it?” And months? I didn’t want to spend months like this.
“Your father came home.”
It was like someone had plunged their hand into my chest and ripped my heart free. “That was years later, Mom.”
She nodded and squeezed my knee. “Believe me, I know. You asked how I got past it, not how I dealt with it. I dealt with it because good kid or not, you still needed me. Your love dragged me through. I had no closure, so there was no ‘getting past it’ until he came back. Even if he’d returned to tell me why he left, I would have healed, but I couldn’t do it without him. Until that day, there was an open wound. Now there’s a scar that aches every once in a while, but people can hardly see it.”
Closure. Sure, Sutton had given me his reasons, but they’d made no sense, and then I’d shoved him away as hard as I could. I knew what I was getting into with him, where his damage was. His reasons hadn’t fit with the reality we’d been building—it was like they were pieces from two different puzzles. “He didn’t give me that, Mom. There’s nothing to help seal up this gaping hole in me.”
“He hasn’t left town. You know where he lives, and you know where he is this afternoon.” A tight smile formed on her lips, and she put the sandwich on my lap. “Then, pleasant or not, might I suggest you eat something, get cleaned up, and go get your answers? I didn’t raise the kind of woman who would sit on her ass and wallow for weeks. I raised you to be smarter than me. Time for you to go make me proud.” She patted my shoulder and left the room.
Fall With Me Page 14
