“It will take at least a week for the sylphs to emerge from their old shells,” she said, “and there are many more here than I realized. I must touch them all. It will take some time.”
“Millicent, we completed the ‘Save Millicent’ quest,” Gretchen said.
She floated, not saying anything for several seconds. “Yes you have,” she said finally. “Your majesty,” she said. “My children and I declare fealty to you and to the Dominion empire. When you and your people are threatened, you may call on us to fight on your behalf.”
War Events: 16,500 new soldiers added to your army.
“Wait, so your baby fairies are inside the baby trolls, like you were inside the troll queen?” Popper asked.
“It is how fairies are born,” Millicent said. “It’s all part of the circle of light and dark. The troll part of us is of the god Ozgark. It makes us large and bitter. The fairy part of us are of the light gods who created us. Even the larvae who died before I was freed will eventually rot away into a new fairy. It is only when they grow into a full-sized troll do the fairy within wither and die.”
“Thanks, Millicent,” I said. I eyed the red, murderer insignia still floating over Popper’s head. He’d said it’d go away in an hour. “If you don’t mind, I think we’re going to watch you work for a while before we go back.”
She nodded graciously. “I look forward to battling alongside you in the near future. I am a banded sylph. I am a child of Montu, the warrior god. I lust for battle. I feed off the blood of my enemies, and I yearn to listen for the sound of their suffering.”
“Okay then,” I said.
* * *
“Do you think he’ll end up back home, like he wants?” I asked, later, looking at the corpse of Kant, the legless pollywog scholar. I’d collapsed onto the ground of the cavern, exhaustion washing over me. Thousands of dead larvae littered the room along with dozens of dead cable beasts. The half-eaten corpse of the troll queen dominated the far wall, looking now like a smashed and beaten watermelon.
We watched Millicent zip around the room, lightning speed as she touched each of the larvae, freezing them. I realized now, she was actually killing them, their dead bodies acting as a chrysalis for the fairies.
“No,” Gretchen said. She sounded just as tired as I was. “I don’t. I think in a few days, or probably a month or two with all this going on, he’s either going to wake up back in whatever plane those cable beasts come from. Or worse, he’s going to wake back up right here, forever trying to crawl closer to that giant troll, who will also regenerate. Maybe. We don’t know if his backstory actually happened.”
“Jesus,” I said. “We should’ve just kept him with us.”
“Yeah,” Popper said. “Nothing like an armless, legless, and elderly BattleToad to round out the party.”
“What do you mean, if his backstory actually happened?” I asked.
Gretchen smiled sadly. “NPCs have a mix of real memories and planted memories. His wife, his kids, his books. They probably don’t exist unless the programmer stuck them in the game. All those memories he was so fond of, they’re just part of his backstory. Just like Yi’s concubine grandmother or how the NPC version of Poppy’s parents were barbarians killed by ice spiders. Poppy’s backstory was she went to go live with her Aunt Wanda. But the day Poppy was added to the game, she was already there in Icardi, living with her aunt. The backstory is just fluff. It never actually happened. Some of it was written by a massive team of writers and programmers. Some of it, in the game’s later years, was written by an AI. It’s why there were so many quests, why the NPCs seemed so real. Almost everyone had a history.”
“So you think we can come back here and do it again, only this time we kill the centipede and we end up with the troll army?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” Gretchen began. “Since we have Millicent now, it might not…”
“Let me stop you right there,” Popper said. “I am only going to say this once. We are not coming back down here ever again. We are never going to do this quest again. And next time we are presented with a quest that has anything to do with troll body parts, we’re just going to walk the other way. None of this, ‘Don’t worry Popper, I’ll do it this time,’ bullshit. No. No fucking way.”
I laughed.
“This shit ain’t funny,” he said, scowling at me. He indicated his small body, still covered in the sticky remnants of the troll pus, from head to toe, mixed with copious amounts of blood. “Look at me. I look like I drew the short straw at a bukkake convention.”
I kept laughing. I couldn’t help it.
“I don’t even know what that means,” Gretchen said. “I don’t think I want to know.”
Jonah Note 7
Later that night, we sat around the table eating the chef’s interpretation of a chicken pot pie. Keta poked at it suspiciously with a knife while Larus, who insisted on eating dinner with us each night, huffed and complained under his breath about being forced to be a cannibal. Raj had already eaten two, and Alice was back in the kitchens after having skewered some rats in the dungeon. She was attempting to get the dwarven cook to put them in a pie for her, but he was refusing. We could hear the shouting all the way out here.
Gretchen pushed her pot pie away. “Cutting into this reminds me too much of the troll nipple. I saw the chef had a bucket of mussels back there. I’m just going to cast my Instant Fish Fry and eat those.”
“That works?” I asked. “I thought it had to be fish.”
Gretchen shrugged. “I tried it the other day, and it seems most of our fish-themed spells work as long as they’re sea creatures. You have cuttlefish and crabs in your Summon Fish menu.”
“Well, shit,” I said. “Let’s do a clambake next. It’s better than this lame stuff.”
Popper shoved mouthful after mouthful of pot pie into his little maw. “You guys are smoking crack. This pot pie is pretty good. Not perfect, but good.” He chewed for a few moments, then turned somber. “I want to talk about something. Like serious talk.”
I already knew what he was going to say. We’d all been thinking it.
“Go on,” I said.
“The fairies. They’re great and all. That many healing units is a huge advantage. But it’s not enough. This whole defend Harmony quest was meant to be one of those annual events, one where everybody in the whole damn game shows up at the same time. That means whatever is coming at us is going to be just as bad, or worse. We’re three people. It’s not possible. We can’t stay here.”
Gretchen sighed, putting down her fork. “Jonah, he’s right. Even if we gathered up all the monsters from that list and somehow managed to not crash the game, it still wouldn’t be enough. First we have the hobgoblins, who we might be able to beat back. But even if we do win, it’ll be close, and our numbers will be severely depleted. Once the burning fleet arrives, there’ll be nobody left to defend the city. We’ll be overrun. We don’t know how many of them there are now, but by all reports, that fleet is much bigger than before.”
I nodded. “You’re right. As things stand now, it’s not possible.”
“Finally,” Popper said. “So we find a moon auric and…”
“Wait,” I said. “I’ve been thinking hard on this, and I have a plan.”
“You just said you didn’t think it was possible,” Gretchen said.
“I said ‘as things stand now,’” I said.
“Fuck, dude,” Popper said. “No amount of planning is going save your ass this time if you stay.”
“I can’t abandon this city,” I said. “We all know what’s at stake.”
Gretchen shook her head. “Okay, okay. Tell us what you’re thinking.”
I grinned. “So we have three separate world events happening right now, right?” I counted on my fingers. “One, the burning fleet is descending on Harmony. Two, is the deunification event. That’s what allowed me to become the Flounder king and eventually the Dominion king. It’s also why a hobgoblin army 500,00
0 strong is marching on the city. And three, Sandra the Learnt was kidnapped. Waldo agrees that these three world events were pre-programmed into the game to happen at wide intervals, and they weren’t meant to all be happening at the same time. Are you with me so far?”
“Yes,” Gretchen said.
“Waldo wants me to wait out my curse before we attempt to solve the Sandra the Learnt quest. But that was before you figured out something really interesting earlier today.”
“What?” Gretchen said. “That she’s in Castellane?”
“Yes,” I said. “She’s in Castellane. The hobgoblin capital.”
“So?” Popper said.
“So, if she’s in Castellane. And the hobgoblin king, warlord, whatever he’s called is also in Castellane, then that’s where we need to go to solve that quest,” I said.
“Yes, Jonah,” Popper said. “We know this.”
I held up a finger. “But the city is usually guarded by the Riot, the army of the hobgoblins. The same army that’s currently besieging Denver, Colorado.”
“I see where you’re going,” Gretchen said. “But it’s not going to work. Castellane isn’t a normal city. Do you remember what I was telling you before about that city? About the spiral?”
“Wait,” Popper said, eyes brightening. “You want to sneak into Castellane and kill their warlord? And you want to do it now, before the Hobgoblin Riot gets to Harmony? That is one ballsy move.”
“Yes,” I said. “The Riot is one of the 13 kingdoms. If I—or one of you two—can kill the hobgoblin warlord, then we’d gain control of 500,000 hobgoblin troops. Not only would we not have to fight them, but we’d have them as part of our army.”
“Holy shit,” Popper said. “That’s…that’s brilliant!” He sat back, sighing. “Too bad Gretchen’s right. Castellane isn’t a normal city. You can’t just walk up to Riot Castle and knock on the door. Yeah, the army helps protect the city. But they’re not the main part of the city’s defenses. I don’t think it’ll matter if the army is there or not. Not when there’s only three of us.”
“So you keep telling me,” I said. “But we also have the Sandra the Learnt quest. When it updated earlier, it said we had to go to the castle and confront the warlord. So I’m hoping there’s a way around the towers or whatever this defense is.”
“It’s not a whatever, and it’s not a single point of defense,” Gretchen said. “You’re underestimating it. It’s a tower defense run. It’s called the spiral.”
I had no idea what they were talking about, but I still clutched tightly onto my idea. It was the only thing that made sense. We couldn’t abandon this city. “Okay, so explain the spiral to me. And what is a tower defense run?”
Popper laughed. “Sometimes I forget you’ve never played this game before. Here you are, literally the most powerful player ever, the king of the Dominion, and you’re still a total noob.”
Gretchen explained as I flipped Popper off. “So as you know, the Riot was one of the original 13 kingdoms. After the unification wars, only a few dissident groups remained. There are several small ones around the world, but the main ones are the rebels in Germany, the Blood Xin on the coast of China, and the Hobgoblin Riot. Plus we have things like the Blast and all that craziness in Japan and South America. Anyway, before this whole new storyline started, the hobgoblins rarely left their stronghold.”
“And that’s the city of Paris,” I said. “Castellane.”
“Yes,” Gretchen said.
“Okay, so what’s the spiral?”
“I’m not all that familiar with how the real city of Paris is set up,” Gretchen said. “But Castellane is a giant spiral with several waypoints along the way. These waypoints correspond with many of the famous Paris landmarks. At the very center is Castle Riot. It’s on a small island in the river that bisects the city. The castle itself is huge. It’s twice the size of this one, though I don’t think anyone has ever actually been in there.”
“That’s probably Notre Dame,” I said, trying to remember how Paris was set up. I’d never been there, but I’d drawn maps of the city several times for customers when I was selling hand-drawn maps online.
Gretchen shrugged. “In order to get to the center of the city, you have to travel the length of the spiral. It’s about 25 miles total or so. There are multiple spells protecting the city to keep you from cheating. All movement-based spells are prohibited. That means no Blink, no Teleport, no Portal. You can’t dig under the walls or climb over them or phase through. The protection is ironclad.”
“So what’s in the spiral?” I asked.
“Death,” Popper said.
Gretchen nodded. “The main defenses are the towers. There are multiple types. There are archer towers, magic towers, catapult towers, ones that try to poison you, some that shoot fire. You either have to sneak your way past, power your way past with sufficient numbers and protection, destroy the towers, or storm them. But there’s more than towers, too. There are hobgoblin garrisons along the way where they come out and attack you in en masse. There’s a zoo near the end, called the Menagerie. Once you walk in, all the cages open, and the monsters attack.” Gretchen visibly shuttered.
“Jesus,” I said. “And people actually got through it?”
“Yes, but only with sheer numbers. The gameplay fluctuated. It seemed every day there were different towers or new traps nobody had come across before.”
“And what happens when you beat it?”
Gretchen smiled. “There were supposedly over 200 different possibilities. I’m not sure if it was random or if it depended on how you did it. But the one time I did win, we came out onto the island and into what I can only describe as a dance party. There’s a small village set up there with the castle on one end and the church on the other. There were no more defenders. The hobgoblin warlord came out and congratulated us, and we all sat down and had a big feast. There was a roast pig the size of a humpback whale on a massive spit. We all danced and listened to hobgoblin music, which is mostly drums and flutes. After I ate the food, I received a two-week luck buff and a two-week stamina boost. We got some experience, but I don’t remember how much, and we got medals. That was pretty much it. I’ve heard of people getting on the island and getting attacked by thousands of hobgoblins at once. I’ve heard of the warlord coming out and challenging a single player to battle. I’ve heard of everyone getting mounts, getting magical gear, loads of jacks. I’ve also heard of everyone getting surrounded and thrown in a hobgoblin jail until the bi-weekly purge.”
“So the warlord is always in the castle, though?” I asked.
“Yes, I believe so,” Gretchen said.
I nodded. “The quest says you have to confront the warlord, and that he’s in Castellane,” I said. “I’m pretty sure he’s not here in North America. The notifications say the hobgoblin leading the army that’s currently besieging Denver, err, Arcanum is named Prince Maghan.”
“Yeah, that’s Chief Musa’s son,” Gretchen said. “He has two sons if I remember correctly. One is really tall and the other is enormously fat.”
“There’s no way we can beat the whole spiral on our own,” Popper said. “Even if we did bring Keta and Larissa, we’d still be screwed.”
“Wait,” I said. “So, are these towers automatic, like magical, or are they manned by actual hobgoblins?”
“They’re all manned,” Gretchen said.
“So maybe they’re all empty now,” I said.
“And maybe I’m going to wake up in the morning and be 6’2 again,” Popper said. “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
“Okay, okay,” I said, thinking hard. “I want you to zap over to Castellane to check it out,” I said to Gretchen. “Maybe probe the defenses a little and see if they’re weaker than normal or if they’re even turned on. We’re going to have to go there eventually no matter what, so we might as well do it now while we still have Keta available to do the zapping.”
A look flashed across Gretchen’s face,
so quickly that I wasn’t sure I’d even seen it. “Just me?” she asked. “Maybe I should bring Keta with me.”
“Sorry,” I said. “She absolutely refuses to leave the city. Remember? I tried to get her to go on an airship to scout for the burning fleet, and she wouldn’t. I can’t figure out how to make her. I even went to talk to Waldo about it, but he didn’t know. I ordered her, and she just looked at me, pretending not to hear.”
The half-auric did the same now. Like all NPCs, she sat there with wide, uncomprehending eyes whenever we talked about game mechanics, ready to jump back into the conversation when we got back on track.
“So how would I get home? And I’d do this alone?” She asked again.
“I need to finish my book, and I need to get it in the hands of the scriptorium guild. Popper is on wall duty tomorrow. You’re just looking, in and out. Take some of the city’s jacks and hire a bunch of NPC mercs to go with you, that way if you end up sneaking into this spiral, you’ll have some meat shields around you.”
Gretchen seemed thoughtful, then nodded. “Okay, then. I can go look, but the quest says we need to go all the way to Castle Riot, and that’s not going to happen, even if the towers are offline. Chief Musa will certainly have his honor guard with him.”
“I want to go. Send me instead,” Popper said suddenly. “Or at least the both of us.”
“Actually, Popper should go with me,” Gretchen said. “He needs the experience more than I do. We need him to level up. He’s been so busy with the construction projects, he’s gotten very little experience. Today was the most action he’s seen since we got here. Besides,” she added, “he’s the one with high charisma. If he’s not with me, I’m not certain I can get the mercs to follow my orders if I have over my personal maximum.”
Indeed, Popper was only level 20, far below my 35 and Gretchen’s 26.
“I don’t like the idea of both of you going,” I said. “I’m cool with just Popper going to see if he can figure anything out. I want Raj to go, too.”
The Hobgoblin Riot: Dominion of Blades Book 2: A LitRPG Adventure Page 10
