“You’re serious aren’t you?” Harper said. “You were being coy with me. I wish I’d known that back then.”
“When did you start to think of me in that way?” Lauren persisted, fishing. She wanted to hear something real from Harper, anything that she could hold on to when she was lonely and they weren’t together anymore.
Harper reflected for a moment. “That day in the park, when you came and started talking to me. I’d always thought you were beautiful, but that was when I started to get a crush on you. That was when I realized how sweet you are.”
Lauren was grateful Harper couldn’t see her face. There was nothing negative about what Harper was saying, yet it played into her worst fears. She didn’t like thinking that what Harper felt for her was just an infatuation. It was difficult to hear that Harper hadn’t experienced the same heart-slamming revelation that she had. If this were just a dalliance for Harper, Lauren knew it would ruin her. Lauren could see any hope of a future for them receding even farther into to the distance.
Lauren sat up straight and pulled her feet out, her mood turning suddenly as black as the water in front of them.
“You okay?” Harper asked.
“Yep. Just want to get back,” Lauren said, trying to not sound as flat as she felt. She stood up and brushed off the seat of her shorts, holding out a hand to help Harper up.
Harper stood up and Lauren could see her questioning eyes in the moonlight. They stood facing one another. Harper tucked Lauren’s hair behind her ear.
“Don’t hold it against me that I didn’t see you for what you are right away,” Harper said. “You always were a bit mysterious. I’ve liked getting to know you; it’s been the best thing about all this. Feeling like you’re letting me in.”
Lauren was struck again by the feeling that Harper understood her more than anyone else ever had. It was like she could read the turn of her every mood, could gather the meaning of every silence. There was no chance of hiding things from her. It could be scary, but she was relieved that she didn’t always have to say things in words.
“I don’t hold it against you,” Lauren said and shrugged.
Harper held Lauren’s face in her hands and placed one sweet kiss on her lips. “Okay. Just don’t think that it means that I don’t love you. I love you.”
Lauren couldn’t answer right away. Everything she was feeling must have been etched plainly on her face, but she was so taken aback that she let the chance to reciprocate melt away. Harper grabbed her hand to pull her toward the car.
It wasn’t until later that night that she replied. They were in the moments between sleep and waking, their naked bodies in a loose embrace.
She had never said the words before to anybody. Still it wasn’t surprising how easily saying them came to her now. After all, she’d wanted to say them for a while.
“I love you too.”
Chapter Seventeen
A wave of melancholy stole over Lauren when she woke up. She put her arm out, and then her leg to confirm her suspicion that the bed beside her was empty. Given how short a time they had known one another, it was strange to think that Harper was the person who had most consistently shared her bed over the past few years. As she shook off the fogginess of sleep, she realized that Harper hadn’t left—she was just in the kitchen. Lauren could hear the rattling of pots and pans. It made her feel better, but only a little bit.
There was that ticking clock again. Their last weekend together.
When Harper came in bearing a mug of coffee, Lauren smiled weakly at her. The smile became real and widened when she took in Harper’s outfit. Harper was wearing a tank top and her underwear, but she had tied an apron over them. It was a very old-fashioned one that had been hanging from a hook by the stove, lending the house one of the rustic touches that she loved so much.
Harper leaned over her and kissed her good morning. Lauren wrapped her arms around Harper, the pleasure of it taking her over as it always did.
“I’ve got to get back to the kitchen. I’m making you a big Southern breakfast, biscuits included.”
“That sounds amazing. Can I help?”
“You’re a damn Yankee, so no thank you, ma’am,” Harper said, exaggerating her accent. “You can stay in here and drink that coffee and relax.”
“If you say so,” Lauren agreed. She watched appreciatively when Harper turned to walk away, revealing her bare thighs.
Lauren stretched and looked up at the ceiling, frowning. She was ruining what precious time they had left with her bad mood, but she couldn’t help being this way. Again she resolved to shake it off, to be in the moment and enjoy herself. Harper was good at picking up on her mood and she would definitely ask what was up if Lauren kept feeling grumpy. It didn’t sit well with her, the idea of Harper remembering her as clingy or negative. She wanted to be fun-loving and carefree in the same way that Harper was.
Lauren recalled the moment that Harper had told her that she loved her the night before. Thinking about it gave her an overwhelming jumble of emotions, none of them terribly clear or distinct.
Lauren reached for the coffee Harper had left on the nightstand. Her hand passed over Harper’s phone.
As soon as she looked at it, she knew what she was going to do. Harper had always been clear that she understood the deal, that what was happening between them needed to be a closely guarded secret. Harper had been discreet at work, and Lauren had never needed to explain how they had to act any time they were in public. Harper was a perceptive person who picked up on everything without needing to be walked through it. Still, Lauren couldn’t shake off the worry that Harper might have told a friend or a family member something that might make them wonder.
Lauren listened for the sounds of Harper working in the kitchen and was reassured that she wouldn’t be disturbed. Now that she had allowed herself to think about it at all, her paranoia started to feel like an unspooling thread. Had Harper ever done anything stupid and reckless, not fully understanding the risks? Was there even the slightest possibility that Harper would ever use what she knew against Lauren? Everything in her didn’t want to believe it, but people were unpredictable. Harper was in a strange position in her life. It had never occurred to Lauren for a moment to look down on Harper, but she was a lawyer working what must feel like a menial job. Did Harper ever dream of something more, things that Lauren’s money could give her? She wished thoughts so ugly and toxic had never crossed her mind, but once they had, they weren’t going to go away. Lauren grabbed Harper’s phone.
Lauren scrolled through the text history quickly, seeing mostly her own cryptic messages. They only used text messages to arrange meeting times and places. There were messages between Harper and other people too. Though she couldn’t see anything that concerned her at first, she started going through the messages more carefully. By now she wasn’t even sure what she was looking for, because it had occurred to her to wonder if there were other women. Even the thought of Harper having a flirtation with another woman bothered her more than she would have thought imaginable.
“What are you doing?”
Lauren jumped at the sound of Harper’s voice. She had become so absorbed in her task that she hadn’t noticed it when the noise from the kitchen disappeared. Now that her focus had shifted back, she could feel Harper’s eyes on her. When she met them and saw Harper’s expression, everything felt like it was plunging downward.
“Oh. Nothing. I was just looking at the time.” Lauren cringed at her own lie.
Harper’s eyes deliberately cut across to the clock on the nightstand. She moved closer and sat on the bed while Lauren exited the message list to cover up what she had been looking at. She forced herself to do it casually, trying to not look as panicked as she felt. When she was putting the phone back she kept her eyes averted, full of shame.
“Why are you going through my phone?” Harper’s tone wasn’t accusatory or angry. Anything would be easier for Lauren to deal with than Harper’s profound disappoint
ment in her. Lauren hadn’t been under any illusion that Harper would buy her lie, but she had hoped that she would at least pretendto believe it so they could drop the matter.
When Lauren didn’t answer, Harper continued. “What did you think you were going to find exactly?”
“Nothing. I don’t know,” Lauren replied, shaking her head.
“Are you worried that I’m seeing someone else? Is that it?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
Harper could be stubborn, and Lauren had a feeling that if she didn’t say something true Harper was just going to keep asking her until she did.
Lauren leaned toward Harper, but she was too afraid to reach out and touch her. “I’m sorry. I just had this silly thought that there might be something in your phone linking you to me. I know you’d never deliberately do anything. I get paranoid sometimes.”
Harper stared straight ahead. “So you couldn’t just check with me or talk to me about it?”
“I know it was a weird thing to do. But haven’t you ever done that? Gone through someone’s phone or looked at their diary or whatever?”
“No. I haven’t ever done anything like that. What you’re saying is that your privacy is more important than mine. That’s what it sounds like to me.”
Lauren was at a loss for words. Harper was really angry, more than she would have expected. To think that she had just been worrying about not being cheerful enough in their last days together. That should have been the last of her worries. It was nothing in comparison to this.
“It’s not like that at all. I don’t think I’m more important than you. Can we just forget about it? Chalk it up to my being a neurotic actress type?” Lauren said, trying for lightness.
“You don’t trust me,” Harper said. “You never have, have you?”
“Of course I do!” Lauren replied. It was beyond her to explain it right now, but there had always been a tug of war between blind belief and suspicion. Maybe she wasn’t capable of the type of love in which she wouldn’t have a skeptical thought. Skepticism was her default mode, especially after recent events, and even before that, too many people had wanted things from her for too long. Yet her natural mistrust of other people didn’t diminish her feelings one little bit. She thought the world of Harper. In fact, she thought too much of her, and that had always been the problem.
“You never wanted to tell me you were gay in the first place and now you’re going through my phone looking for what? Messages to a tabloid journalist? References to a secret sex tape?” Harper scoffed.
“It’s not that stupid. It’s happened to me before,” Lauren replied. When Harper stared at her in confusion, she knew she had to explain herself. If Harper knew more about her history, then maybe she would understand and they could put this behind them.
“I was blackmailed, by a woman. It’s not a nice story. I guess it’s scarred me in a way, makes me think stupid things. You don’t know what it’s like to be in my position.”
Harper’s face was blank. Lauren picked up the pillow and softly punched her fist into it, unsure of what to do with her hands. She had hoped that she wouldn’t ever have to tell anyone about those pictures ever again. In her mind’s eye she could see them and it made her feel panicked, as though the images could reappear in front of her at any instant.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be in your position, that’s true. You could try just telling me.”
“Okay. I was dating this woman I met at the gym. Angela. She was an actor, wanted me to mentor her or whatever. I thought she was okay because we had mutual friends so we went on a couple of dates. I wasn’t that interested in her but she was kind of pushy. She wanted me to hook her up with powerful people, agents and stuff. That sort of thing happens all the time.”
“And you slept with her?”
“Yes. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It only happened once and it wasn’t good, didn’t feel right. I thought she must have felt the same way. I never thought she really cared about me as a person, so I didn’t think the whole thing was a big deal. But when I tried to break it off with her…”
“That’s when she blackmailed you?”
“Yes. She had pictures that she’d taken of me when I was asleep. She was in them too. It was obvious what was going on. So, I had to pay her to make it all go away. I had to ask my manager for help because she came back asking for more money. It was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever gone through. I still don’t understand why anyone would do that to another person. That’s why I need to be so careful. It made me feel like anyone could do that to me, like there’s nobody safe.”
“Including me.”
“Not exactly, it’s not really like that. I promised myself before I came here that I was going to take a break from seeing anyone for a while, and get my head together. But I couldn’t stick to it, not after I met you.”
“I’m sorry all of that happened to you, but that has nothing to do with me,” Harper said. “How could you think that of me?”
Lauren realized that Harper was on the verge of tears. The awareness that she was making Harper so upset made her disgust over the photos feel trivial. Lauren hadn’t known that she was capable of hurting Harper that much.
Lauren put her hand on Harper’s shoulder, then moved it to Harper’s back and rubbed gently. Now she wondered why she had even tried to defend herself, instead of being more focused on how Harper was feeling. When Harper looked at her, she understood that she really had made a grave error. The color had drained from Harper’s face.
“You were always so reluctant to get involved with me. I can see now why. Do you really think I want your money? Is that why you’re so suspicious, because of what I do? By your standards, we’re really poor.”
Harper moved away from her. It was just half a foot or so, but it was enough for it to hurt badly.
When Harper said the words, they sounded so wrong and so far-fetched that Lauren felt a fresh wave of horror at her own actions. Lauren was sitting quietly and trying to think of a way to set this all right, when Harper got up from the bed. Lauren said Harper’s name and moved to follow her.
“I had all these ideas about this weekend,” Harper said, her back turned, shoulders hunched.
“Me too. Please, I want to spend this weekend with you. Let’s still do whatever it is that you want. I’m up for anything,” Lauren pleaded.
“I had hoped you could meet my dad and brother tonight for dinner,” Harper said.
“I’d love to. It would mean a lot to me to meet them. Please, forgive me and let’s just have this weekend.”
“Well, I don’t think that it’s a good idea now. I don’t think so at all.”
“Don’t say that and then not let me do it. Why tell me at all?”
“Sorry,” Harper said, then paused. “Why am I apologizing to you?”
“Because now you’re just being cruel,” Lauren said. She had always wanted to meet them but had never pushed the issue, knowing there must be reasons why Harper hadn’t invited her over. Harper was pulling things out of the small bag she had brought over with her and took out a pair of jeans and a shirt. Lauren noted the way that Harper kept her back turned while she finished dressing.
“I’m not being cruel on purpose. It’s just, what’s the point anyway?”
The question and the way it was posed were devastating. It cut right through her. Lauren knew her behavior was beyond wrong, but what they had together should transcend their situation. Their different backgrounds didn’t matter, nor did the fact that they lived miles apart. Lauren would care for Harper always, regardless of whether they even saw one another again. The point was that this had meant everything to her and if Harper felt the same, she wouldn’t leave.
It was impossible to watch Harper go. Lauren only followed her halfway to the door before she turned back. She went back to the bedroom and laid down, her head and heart full of everything that had just happened. She tried to go back to sle
ep but couldn’t. She tried to not think about the fact that her future felt pretty bleak right now. She couldn’t do that either. It was pathetic that she was hanging so much of herself on another person, but it could not be otherwise, not after everything that had happened. At the very least she would have hoped for a good ending for the two of them, something that might give her hope that they would meet again.
When she got up hours later, she was tearful at seeing the breakfast Harper had made. It looked cold and sad, all laid out with not a bite taken out of it. Things should have been so different today. She cleaned it up, saving what she could and eating a bite here and there, but throwing most of it in the trash.
Lauren sat on the sofa. Chester, sensing her distress, curled up on her lap and raised his head to lick her face. Lauren patted him, feeling guilty that she hadn’t taken him out today.
It was difficult to have to take such a good look at herself and not like what she saw. Her insecurities were toxic. She had finally met someone special, someone who even wanted to be with her, and she had screwed it all up with her doubts. When was she going to stop sabotaging herself and just let things work out for once? It made her sick of herself, but it also made her want to fight.
Harper wanted her to meet her family. No girl had ever wanted that from her. There was nothing Lauren would rather do.
At last, she picked up her phone and typed out a message. At this point, she couldn’t make things any worse.
Chapter Eighteen
When Harper opened the door and saw Lauren standing on the porch holding a bunch of flowers, the coldness in her cracked.
She was still angry. Harper hadn’t forgiven Lauren, and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to. The spying with the phone might be something that Harper could get over, but she couldn’t get over the assumptions that had led to it. Of course she had never forgotten that Lauren was a movie star with a lot of money, but she had never considered them as anything other than equal. Harper had never accepted anything from Lauren that she didn’t give in return. If they went anywhere, they took turns paying, or bringing food. She didn’t think that anyone had insulted her the way Lauren had earlier that day.
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