"How often have you... hugged me?" Caitlin asked cautiously.
I didn't want to answer, but it was better if I did. The nurses would tell her, anyway, if I didn't. "Whenever you had nightmares, until you stopped screaming."
Her round dark eyes held a lot of things in their depths: betrayal, sadness, panic. She didn't say anything, but her eyes said plenty.
"I did it because I couldn't wake you up. I promised... I promised I wouldn't let them hurt you and they were hurting you in your dreams. I couldn't just sit by and do nothing." I spoke faster than I'd intended. Shit. It was like I'd told my boss, charm and a smile wouldn't work on Caitlin. I was fucked.
She bit her lip, still not saying a word.
"That's all, I swear! The same as tonight. It helped you to calm down, stop screaming and settle back into a peaceful sleep." I swallowed. Except the one time I went too far and kissed her, when she let me know just how much she didn't like that. Shit, don't even think about it.
Her voice was soft and she spoke slowly, as if considering each word. "That explains... some things." She didn't explain anything. Her big eyes studied me. "Nathan, could you do me a favour?"
If she let me stay like I was supposed to after this monumental fuck-up, I'd do just about anything. "Sure," I replied.
"Next time I have a bad dream, can you please wake me up first?" Her eyes were pleading.
I smiled broadly. "Sure," I said again, turning on the charm just a little in relief. "With pleasure."
She shrank back against the pillows, her eyes wide with fear once more. "But please don't touch me."
I felt my heart shrink in response. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how to do it without touching her. I stared at her for a moment, before closing my eyes, nodding wearily as I headed back to bed.
I got the message, all right. I was more useful asleep and on the other side of the room. I wasn't going to argue with that.
32
In the evening, I sat in the chair beside her bed, watching some programme that Caitlin found more interesting than I did. It seemed to be about some women who agonised over their inability to have a perfect, long-term relationship with a man, in between trying men on the way they tried on clothes. It was funny, if nothing else. More than once, I saw a watery smile float to the surface of Caitlin's expression, before it sank to the hidden depths again.
I ached to see her smile properly or even laugh. I found my thoughts drifting to what I could do to lift her spirits. I decided to go to the gift shop downstairs and pick up some chocolate. I stood up, opening my mouth to tell her I'd be right back.
The phone rang on the bedside cabinet between us. We looked at each other, surprised, before she started to reach for it.
She's going to realise she can't pick it up, then she's going to cry, I thought. Quicker and closer, I hit the button that put the call on the phone's hands-free setting.
"Hello?" I answered quickly, before she could react.
An older man responded in a heavy accent, sounding confused. "Ah, I was looking for Caitlin Lockyer? I'm her father."
My eyes went to Caitlin, questioningly.
She nodded as she spoke up. "Hi, Dad. I'm here."
"I've only just checked my messages – we've been out of range of all but satphones for the last month. The police got a hold of me just as we left, to say they'd call me if they had any updates, but it didn't seem that they did. Your friend Jo left a message for me to say you'd been found, but you were in hospital. What happened?"
I took a step toward the door, trying to keep my voice as low as possible. "Did you want me to stay, or will you be okay if I..." I gestured toward the corridor beyond her room.
Caitlin shook her head, looking unconcerned. "Go, go," she mouthed, waving her hands as if she were pushing me out the door.
I went, smiling and nodding in what I hoped was an understanding way. As she started to tell a very abridged version of what she'd been through, I listened to her tone. Careful, as flat as she could make it, Caitlin barely sounded distressed at all as she recited, "Some men pulled me into their car, knocked me out and took me somewhere dark. They... hurt me. Someone found me, took me to hospital." Here she paused, as if she needed something to give her the impetus to carry on.
I hesitated, wondering if I should turn around and go back in.
I heard the murmur of her father's voice, but not the words, as I was too far down the corridor. I stopped and strained to hear her reply.
"... I wasn't out alone after dark. It was broad daylight – I was shopping for Jason's birthday present," she said, sounding resigned. Her voice dropped lower so I couldn't hear more.
Who was Jason that she needed to get him a birthday present?
Forgetting the chocolate, I returned to her room. I debated whether I should go back in or not and decided to do something I'm not proud of. I stood beside her open door, out of her line of sight, and listened to the whole conversation.
Her father's voice was the next I heard. "Will you be okay if I take this contract? It's a whole three months with an exploration drilling rig, but they've offered me so much money I don't want to turn it down."
Three months? She'd be alone in her house for three months and there was no one there now. I needed to get our remote surveillance guys in and out of there before she got home. I'd call them as soon as she was asleep. Work would be happy I had something to report, even if it was just intel on her house.
"Sure, Dad, I'll be fine," she murmured. "I'm still going to be in hospital for a couple of weeks and it's not like I can't cook when I get home. Take photos, okay? Something cool. You know I like to see what you're up to, even if I have to wait 'til you're home to see them."
"Bye honey – they're calling my flight, time to go again."
"Bye, Dad," she said softly. I heard the dial tone as he hung up, then her deep sigh. I ached for her.
I wanted to see her smile again. Now more than ever.
I skipped the lifts and ran down the stairs to the ground floor gift shop. I was going to get her the best chocolate they had. I wished I'd asked her what she liked... but everyone liked chocolate peanut brittle, surely.
If she didn't, I'd eat it and go back to get her something else.
Or should I just buy a bit of everything that looked good? I figured that could work.
I checked my wallet to make sure I had enough cash.
"That's a lot of chocolate," the woman with white curls in the gift shop said with a smile. "Are you trying to impress a lady?"
I allowed myself a proper smile. "Perhaps," I replied with a wink.
She looked a little flustered. "Well, I'd be impressed," she said defensively, looking away so she could put my purchases in a bag.
I thanked her and ran up the stairs, two at a time, back up to Caitlin's room on the second floor.
I dropped the bag of chocolate on Caitlin's bedside table with a grin, turning to see her reaction.
She was fast asleep, tears sparkling on her eyelashes in the last rays of the sun, and I didn't have the heart to wake her. The empty pill cup on her table told me she'd be out for a few hours, so maybe it was a good idea for me to try and get some sleep, too.
As I relaxed into my pillow, I wondered who'd given her the pills and helped her drink the water to wash them down. I figured it was probably the nurse who administered them. I shrugged and slept.
33
Wrists bound in rope and blood.
Cutting.
Hurting.
Twisted.
Lost.
Too cold.
Oh God. Broken.
Too dark.
So much blood.
Too late.
Heart frozen.
Do it.
Give me death.
End it.
34
I woke with my heart beating against my ribs for escape
Who gave her the medication she took last night? Why did I go to sleep without finding out, making su
re she was okay, checking to be sure... Who was on guard? Shit, I couldn't even remember his face. Was he there for the phone call and all the time I was gone? Was he still here so I could ask him? Fuck, what if I'd fucked up and let them get to her? I held my breath, hoping and praying my dread was unfounded.
Please, let her be okay.
In the dim light filtering in from the corridor, I could see Caitlin shift restlessly in her bed. She whimpered as if she was in pain or trapped in another nightmare. I breathed again. I wanted to hug her, I was so happy to see her alive, but I remembered. Even if she was having a nightmare, I wasn't stupid enough to do it again.
"Caitlin, angel, wake up," I said, sitting up. "It's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up."
I stood up and stretched. The ache in my muscles reminded me how much I wanted to visit the gym. I wondered if the hospital had one for staff. Fuck. Focus. Wake Caitlin and ask her.
I repeated the same words, a little louder. I crossed the room to be closer to her.
"Angel. Caitlin, it's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up. See? I'm here, just like I promised, and you're safe, I swear."
She didn't seem to have heard me, still struggling against her sheets and the scary men in her dream. Her scream shattered what was left of my sleepiness, like a screen of clouded glass. I stumbled, swallowed, and told myself I was made of sterner stuff than the scrambled eggs I expected for breakfast. I took the last step that left me standing beside her bed, my shorts flush against her sheets.
I reached over her and hit the switch by her bed. In the flickering beam of the fluorescent light, I saw her eyes flutter. "It's a dream, angel. Wake up. It's me, you're in hospital and everything's going to be fine..."
A head-shake, blinking, as Caitlin slowly sat up, her face sinking into shadow. "Nathan?"
I broke into a smile. "That's me."
She slowed her breathing from a panicked pant to something closer to calm. "I'm... safe in hospital with you. Right?"
"Yeah," I replied, yawning. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I wouldn't manage it until I asked her what I should have found out last night. "Who gave you your afternoon meds?"
She thought for a minute. "Judith... no, Carol. Carol was on last night. I said I was having trouble sleeping so she found me some milk in the handover room fridge. I was out like a light." She didn't meet my eyes.
"You must have been tired," I responded with a smile, trying hard not to think of her crying herself to sleep without me yesterday. Taking medication without me checking to make sure it was safe. I felt guilty already and no amount of chocolate would make up for it. I'd been lucky, was all. I couldn't afford to fuck up like that again. It could cost her life, my job and Chris... I closed my eyes, trying to clear my head before I opened them again.
"I won't keep you up. You need your rest to heal." I turned away and padded across the vinyl back to bed.
"No, wait," Caitlin said softly. I stopped. "Would you please sit by me for a little bit, 'til I calm down properly? I just want to get some of the horrible pictures out of my head. The police come to take my statement tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about all the things I have to say..."
Last chance. The perfect opportunity to ask. Just don't be stupid and don't go back to sleep.
I settled in the chair beside her bed, shifting so that I faced her. "Can you tell me about them? Maybe that'll help them go away faster." I didn't dare cross my fingers for luck, but in my heart I hoped.
She looked fearfully at me. "Nathan... I... don't even want to think about them. Talking about my nightmares will only bring them back."
"No it won't," I coaxed. "That's what all the psychologists and counsellors say. You wait. They'll tell you it's good to get it out and your heart will feel lighter."
Caitlin shook her head. "Nathan..." Fresh tears started to flow. She lifted her arms, shaking with her first sob.
I hesitated. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't heartless, either. I moved from the chair to her bed so I could hug her like she wanted. It felt like the right thing to do, too.
"I can't, Nathan, not yet. I can't," Caitlin murmured as she clung to me and cried.
Fuck it. I stroked her hair. "It's okay. You don't have to."
35
It was a shiny red Mercedes. Not the newest.
The driver looked at me.
Friend in the back.
Saucer eyes.
Someone hit me, pushed me into the back of the car with Saucer Eyes.
Two in the front.
Passenger, driver.
Passenger hit me, drugged me.
Sorry. Oh God, so sorry.
Fight them.
Don't let them win.
Sleep and remember.
Until later.
36
"We need a statement from you, Miss Lockyer." The police officer sounded almost hesitant. After last night, I was, too. "I understand this will be upsetting for you, but we need your assistance to catch the people who did this to you."
Caitlin bit her lip and nodded, her eyes downcast. Her hand reached for mine and I held it carefully, mindful of her fingers.
The police officer cleared his throat. "Mr Miller, I'll have to ask you to leave or at least step outside."
Unwillingly, I rose. I tried to let go of her hand, but I couldn't. Somehow, she'd twined her fingers through mine and couldn't, or wouldn't, let go. She emitted a strangled sound as I tried to detach her gauze-shrouded fingers, so I stopped. I looked hard at Caitlin, but her eyes remained fixed on her lap. Her face grew paler the longer I looked.
"No." The firmness in her voice surprised me and the police officer, too.
"I'm sorry?" He looked confused. "You won't give a statement yet?"
Caitlin looked up, her brow furrowed. "I'll make a statement now, but I want Nathan to stay."
The police officer cleared his throat. "Mr Miller is a suspect in this matter and we'd prefer that your statement is made privately, so you feel safe and don't hold back information. Your statement will remain confidential."
Caitlin's eyes locked on his and her voice hardened. "Detective, I will never feel safe until I know every one of those bastards can't touch me again. And I will never feel safe alone with a police officer, after one of them shot at me. Nathan... Nathan shouldn't be a suspect in this. He never... He didn't... He's about the only person who hasn't hurt me." Her voice was firm through most of this, but wavered toward the end. Her eyes filled with tears, which spilled down her cheeks. She reached for a tissue with one bandaged hand, then the other, unsuccessfully.
I reached over and pulled a tissue out of the box, holding it out for her. Caitlin turned her sad eyes to me, her useless hands held out in front of her. "Please," she whispered. I hesitated a second before I carefully wiped her tears away.
She turned back at the police officer. "I can't use my hands and I can barely stand, let alone walk. I feel so helpless, one of these pillows would probably be an effective weapon against me." She gave him a sad little smile. "I know I need to make a statement so you can catch the people who did this to me, no matter how upset talking about it will make me feel. I'll do it, however many tears it takes, but please don't make me do this alone." Her voice faded to a whisper. She looked pleadingly at the police officer, then at me.
I spoke first. "If you want me to stay, I'll be here for you."
The police officer looked hesitant, as if he wanted to agree but knew he couldn't.
She laced her fingers through mine before turning her tear-filled eyes back to the police officer, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "I don't know how long it will take before I'm strong enough to tell this story without someone to support me. I don't even know if I can. I want you to catch them and I want to help you do it. I want to know they can't touch me and that I'll be safe as soon as possible. Please – I feel like I have so little courage left. Let me tell this story before it's gone. I don't know when I'll be brave enough to attempt it again." She held his gaze for a moment, before bow
ing her head in defeat. She looked so small and vulnerable all of a sudden.
I found myself moving almost automatically to comfort and protect her. The words were out of my mouth before I could think. "I promised I won't let them hurt you again. They won't touch you – you will be safe."
The police officer cleared his throat. "I think that if you'd like to make your statement with him present, under the circumstances, you can do so. Provided, of course, that Mr Miller doesn't interrupt or interfere in any way."
I felt her whole body relax in my arms. "Thank you." Her voice was fervent with relief.
"Can you tell me what you remember?" the police officer asked carefully.
Caitlin sat up, resting against me, both of her hands in mine. I felt her stiffen as she closed her eyes.
"I remember they had a red Mercedes. They hit me, pushed me into the car, made me breathe something that knocked me out in the back seat. It was dark when I woke up. It was always dark and... they hurt me. I remember pain and cold in the dark. And then Nathan – telling me it was over, that they weren't going to hurt me again. The next thing I remember is waking up here." Her eyes opened, looking as lost as when she'd woken here and called for me.
The officer looked stunned. "That's all you remember? Don't you remember being shot?"
"No," she whispered, then cleared her throat and resumed in a more normal voice. "I have... dreams... nightmares... and sometimes I see things that make me remember. Bits come back, but they're only ever bits. I should write them down, but I can't yet." She held up her bandaged hands.
"I'll do it," I found myself saying. "I can bring in my laptop, you can tell me what you remember and I'll type it in for you."
I earned a suspicious look from the police officer, but Caitlin looked relieved.
"Thank you," she said as she crumpled. She fell mostly against me, so it was a small matter to twist my fingers from hers and shift her so that she rested on her pillows. Her eyelids fluttered a little, but she didn't open her eyes.
Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer (Nightmares Trilogy) Page 6
