“She’s incredible,” Julianna whispered. She giggled when Nova started sniffing her over, blasting her with hot dragon breaths.
I was smiling now, too. “Ready to ride?”
When she looked back at me again, I saw nothing but pure exhilaration. She was finally seeing me again, without remembering all the terrible things I’d done to her.
She hadn’t looked at me like that since we were children.
I had some casual riding gear leftover from my youth—before my training at Blybrig Academy—that I was able to loan her. It was huge on her, of course. But it would do for now. I helped her strap the helmet down over her head and pull the gauntlets up over her arms. She was light, so it was nothing for me to pick her up and get her situated in the saddle. I gave her a quick walkthrough about where on the saddle she could hang on, even though I knew she would probably freak out once we actually started flying. First-timers always did.
Then I put on my own equipment and climbed into the saddle behind her.
It was weird being so close to her. Her back was pressed up against my chest as I reached around her to grip the saddle handles on either side of Nova’s neck. I gave Julianna a warning pat on the shoulder.
We took off in a whirlwind. Nova was eager to leave the ground behind, so she wasted no time climbing skyward. Over the rush of air, I could hear Julianna screaming her head off.
Once we leveled off and started soaring, dipping through the clouds like we were skating over fields of white cotton, her screaming stopped. Though I couldn’t see her face, I could feel her body beginning to relax. The landscape below us slipped by sluggishly—rolling hills of green that stretched all the way to the eastern cliffs. Then, there was nothing but ocean as far as the eye could see.
I sat back in the saddle, relaxing to take everything in, and I was shocked when Julianna did the same. She actually let go of the saddle and spread her arms wide, her long red braid and frilly ends of her skirts whipping around in the cold air. It made me smile again because I knew what she was feeling.
There really is no comparison to the rush of freedom you get when you’re sitting in a dragon’s saddle.
We flew for hours until I finally had Nova land in one of the grassy, rolling meadows north of my estate. There, amidst the soft grass, I unpacked phase two of my plan in the form of a picnic. I had a blanket and a few snacks stowed away in my saddlebags.
Julianna wobbled around like a newborn fawn when she got her feet back on the ground again. I guess the rush and excitement still had her shaking. She didn’t say anything as she helped me spread out the blanket and unpack the food. We sat together while Nova rolled in the grass, basking in the warm afternoon sunshine like a fat housecat.
“I remember you promising to do this when we were little.” Julianna spoke up in a quiet voice as she fidgeted with the strap on my water canteen. “Riding dragons was all you ever talked about.”
I remembered that, too. “I guess not much has changed in that regard.”
She gave a small, guarded smile. “No. But everything else has.”
The atmosphere between us was starting to get awkward again. Only this time, she didn’t have a book to hide behind. Now was my chance.
“You’re never going to tell me, are you?” I asked.
She glanced at me warily.
“I wish you would. I want to understand. I’ve turned it over and over in my mind, and it just doesn’t make sense. If I’d known—”
“It wouldn’t have mattered, Felix. I didn’t say anything or try to stop the engagement because …”
She hesitated to continue. I held my breath and hoped she would.
“Because I was already in love with you. But everything you did, everything you said, made me believe that you definitely didn’t feel the same way. And like a fool I kept hoping you’d eventually calm down, think about things, remember how close we’d been before. I hoped that maybe you would change your mind. You were my first love, and I wanted you to be my last.”
I swallowed hard.
“I clung to those memories of our childhood for so long. You were my best friend, and I wanted that Felix back. Without him … I had no one.” She turned away so that I couldn’t see the expression on her face.
“Julianna, I—”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I understand now how you must have felt. You’d always expressed to me how your parents didn’t try to see things from your perspective. They didn’t consider any of your opinions or wishes when they made decisions about your life. When they announced our engagement, you must have thought I was trying to do the same thing.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” I said. “I shouldn’t have treated you that way. And I’ll spend a lifetime regretting it. You have to know how sorry I am.”
She looked at me then, and I saw everything I’d been afraid I would see. The betrayal and pain on her face, the tears in her eyes, and the overwhelming sense that I’d succeeded in driving her away.
“I lied to you, Felix,” she admitted.
“About what?”
She took a trembling breath. “I didn’t come here because your mother asked me to. She did write to me to tell me what was happening, apologizing for your behavior, but I was already planning to come to the estate long before that. I wanted to make it official in person.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about. “Make what official?”
“I’m terminating our engagement,” she said in a quiet voice. “Actually, I already did several months ago. I should apologize for that, too. I never had the authority to take over your estate, but I suppose you weren’t aware of that. You never opened the letter I sent, did you?”
The letter in the golden envelope. I’d completely forgotten about it. It was probably still sitting unopened on my desk at home.
Now I was the one who was afraid. I was losing her—no, I’d already lost her. I just hadn’t been aware of it until now.
“I wasn’t even sure if I could help you or not, but I would have never been able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least try. And now you’re free of me, just like you always wanted.” She smiled at me but it wasn’t sincere. I saw the sadness in her eyes. It was like someone was driving a red-hot spike into my soul.
“That isn’t what I want anymore,” I tried to protest. “I was just being stupid, Jules. I was acting like a dumb kid. And I’m sorry—I really am. If I could take it all back, I would.”
She shook her head and started to withdraw. “Please don’t say that now. I can’t bear it. I’ve worked so hard to put my feelings aside. It’s time for me to let go of those childish things and move on.”
“But—”
“No!” She shouted suddenly and got up.
Julianna started to walk away, although I wasn’t sure where she thought she was going. It was miles back to my estate—too far for her to walk by herself. Besides, it’s not like I couldn’t catch up to her. I wasn’t the fastest guy in the world on foot, but I wouldn’t have been much of a dragonrider if I couldn’t outrun her.
I caught up to her and grabbed her arm to make her stop and face me again. She was crying and she wouldn’t look me in the eyes. But that didn’t matter. I just needed her to hear me.
“I love you, Julianna.”
She squirmed in my grip, trying to pry herself away from me.
“I love you, and I’ll never deserve you,” I repeated it because it was true. Every word.
At last, her teary eyes raised to stare back at me. It didn’t look like she believed me at all. She seemed angry, like maybe she wanted to hit me.
So I kissed her.
She fought me. She beat her hands on my chest and tried to shove away. I didn’t let her. If this was goodbye, then I was going to savor this one little taste for as long as I could. She could hate me for it if she wanted; just add it to the stack of awful things I’d done to her already.
Then I
felt her stop struggling.
All of a sudden, she wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed me so tightly I could barely breathe. She kissed me back, and I’d never felt anything so sublime.
“Marry me,” I begged, when I felt her start to pull her lips away from mine.
“Have you lost your mind?” She eyed me like she suspected I might be drunk again.
I dropped to my knees in front of her. I didn’t know what else to do. “Please, Julianna. I know I don’t deserve it. But I’ll try every day to be worthy of you—to be the man you’d always hoped I would be.”
She was hesitating. I could see her eyes darting back and forth like she was scrambling to think it over.
Then she smiled. “Even though you think I have big teeth?”
“I’ll pull all my teeth out and gum my food for the rest of my life,” I promised.
“And even if I’m a terrible dancer?”
“If I can teach Jaevid to dance, then I can teach you.”
Julianna laughed. She put her soft hands on both sides of my face and bent down to kiss me again. “All right then, Felix. I’ll marry you, if that’s really what you want.”
I couldn’t hold back my relief. “It’s the only thing I want.”
And then I lived happily ever after, right?
Yeah. I wish. But there was still a problem I had to take care of—one last demon to face, if you will.
I felt better about talking to mom this time, though, because I wasn’t doing it alone. Julianna was with me, holding my hand as tightly as ever, as I climbed the steps of the small summer home where she’d taken up residence since I evicted her. And by small, I mean it had only fifty bedrooms rather than two hundred and fifty.
Mom was sitting on a balcony overlooking the sea, sipping tea like she was alone in her own private universe. When we entered, she didn’t even look up at us.
“Mom?” I tried to get her attention, which was basically the story of my entire relationship with her.
She just went on sipping her tea.
Julianna leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Maybe I should just let you two have some time alone?”
“No, it’s okay. You’re going to be my wife. I don’t want to go another step into our relationship without being honest with you.” I tried to show her a reassuring smile, but I just couldn’t quite get there. Julianna didn’t know about me—that I was an illegitimate child. I was nervous and a little afraid she might change her mind about marrying me once she found out.
“That’s quite a change you’ve made.” My mom spoke up so suddenly it made me jump. Her tone had a strong flavor of sarcasm to it. Typical. “I suppose you’ve come to ask about Darion again, is that so?”
“Yes. But I also didn’t come here to fight with you. Either you’re ready to tell me what happened or you’re not. Regardless, we can’t go on like this, mom.” I pulled up a chair for Julianna and then for myself. “So what’s it gonna be?”
Mom put down her teacup and looked at me, then at Julianna, then back to me again. “You really want to discuss this in front of her?”
I nodded. “She might as well find out straight from the source.”
“Very well, then.” Mom sat up straight and folded her hands in her lap. “You were right. Duke Farrow was not your father. Darion Prax is.”
I already knew that. She was just saying it again for Julianna’s benefit, maybe even in an attempt to scare her. A hard knot of emotion formed in my throat. I didn’t dare look at Julianna because I was honestly afraid to see her expression. Shock? Horror? Disgust? When I finally got the nerve to look, I didn’t see any of those. She looked upset.
“You had an affair?” she asked, before I could say anything.
My mom smiled at her scornfully. “No. I was already pregnant when the Duke and I were married. Now tell me, is that better than an affair? Or worse?”
Julianna’s expression tightened, as did her grip on my hand. “If the duke didn’t know about it, then about the same.”
“Darion and I had been lovers in secret for quite some time. He was just a merchant’s son. No money that amounted to anything, and no prospects of improvement. At the time, that didn’t matter to me. I was just a stupid, lovesick child. He’d been saving up what he could of his earnings working on the docks, I believed, so that we could be married and live on our own. But then he went off and spent it all on a dragon hatchling. I didn’t even find out about it until the next solstice holiday when I had hoped he would propose. That was when he told me of his intentions to join the king’s ranks as a dragonrider.”
Mom’s tone was venomous, as though the memories still burned in her heart. I could hear anger and resentment in every word. “Darion had never intended on marrying me. I was just something for him to toy with. And it was only after he’d left for training and we had severed all contact that I realized I was pregnant with you, Felix. In an effort to save my reputation, I took the first offer for marriage I received—which happened to be from the duke. My parents were elated at the news. No one questioned my acceptance because a marriage to the duke would mean a comfortable life for me indefinitely. Only a fool would have refused a proposal like that.”
“And you were able to cover up the pregnancy,” I finished for her.
Mom shrugged like it was nothing. “Not so much cover up, as replace the one responsible for it. We were married quickly and I announced my pregnancy shortly after. You were born a few weeks late, which only wound up strengthening my story about your parentage. No one else ever had to know. That is, until you started to grow.”
I shifted in my seat because I had a bad feeling I knew where this was going.
“You didn’t look anything like me or the duke. You’ve always favored him. And every day since your birth I’ve been forced to look at the reminder of how Darion abandoned me. He treated me like dirt—as though I were disposable. Soon I found it was easier to simply not look at you at all.” She managed to say that, too, without ever glancing my way. “So there you have it. Are you satisfied?”
Sitting back in my chair, I tried to decide whether I was or not. I had my answer. I just didn’t feel like I had any closure.
“Don’t you love him at all?” Julianna spoke up again, and this time she sounded really annoyed. “He’s your son. He can’t help whom he looks like or who his father is. How can you treat him this way?”
Mom didn’t reply.
Julianna didn’t back down. “Do you hate him?”
“Yes. Sometimes, I think I do.” My mom’s answer hung in the air like a foul stench. “Does that surprise you?”
Julianna did seem shocked; I’m sure we both did. I hadn’t expected my mom to be so forthcoming. And while hearing that hurt me like you wouldn’t believe, it also made me feel strangely calm. It gave me the closure I wanted, even if it sucked. She was a scorned woman. And she was determined to stay scorned and angry. I couldn’t change that.
“No, it doesn’t surprise me,” I answered as I stood up. Julianna stood with me and clung to my arm as though she were afraid my mom might attack her. “I’ll let you continue living here. Consider this house and everything in it yours. But I don’t think your presence at our family estate is a good idea. You’re not the sort of grandmother figure I’d want to subject my future children to. I trust you understand.”
Honestly, I didn’t care if she did. If she ever had a change of heart, maybe we could revisit the idea of letting her come back. But until then, she could stay here and stew in her bitterness.
“Goodbye, mom.” I bowed formally, and then I took my fiancée’s hand and left.
That was it. It was done. As I walked out of the chateau, I felt renewed. It was as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe easily for the first time in my life.
Julianna, however, was still visibly tense. Her brow was furrowed and her eyes were fixed on the ground ahead of us as we walked hand in hand. I didn�
�t know what she was thinking, and it made me nervous about how she was going to react to all this. I waited for her to speak first, though.
She stayed silent until we were alone inside our carriage, headed back to my family estate. “Are you all right?”
I grinned at her. “Never been better, actually.”
Julianna’s eyes widened. She probably thought I was off my rocker. “But Felix, she just said—”
“She told me the truth. For us, that’s a first.” I shrugged. “I guess I’ve always known she didn’t love me. I just needed to hear her say it.”
“Well, I’d still like to smack her. Someone should.” I felt her squeeze my hand. “What if she tells everyone else?”
I squeezed hers back gently. “She won’t. And even if she does, it doesn’t matter now.”
“What do you mean? If you aren’t the duke’s real son, then couldn’t someone try to take away your title and inheritance?”
I smirked and waggled an eyebrow at her. “Why? Worried you’re about to marry a regular old poor guy?”
Julianna shot me a dirty look. “That’s an awful thing to say. You know I don’t care about your money. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. What if she tries to publically humiliate you? I don’t think I could refrain from wringing her neck.”
I laughed. I couldn’t imagine Julianna wringing anyone’s neck. Except for mine, maybe. “Don’t worry, Jules. Everything will be fine. When Duke Farrow signed over the estate to me, I became his chosen, rightful heir the second he put his seal on it. Who my father is doesn’t have any effect on that. For better or worse, Farrow Estate is stuck with me.”
She still didn’t seem altogether satisfied. “And what about your real father, Darion Prax? Are you going to speak with him? Does he know who you are or even that you exist?”
Leaning over, I planted a kiss on her cheek. It made her blush. “Yeah, he does. We didn’t exactly part on good terms the last time we spoke, though. I suppose I’ll have to find him and apologize.”
“Please do. I’d like for you to have a decent relationship with at least one of your parents. Otherwise holidays are going to be so lonely.” Julianna put her head on my shoulder and out a small sigh. “Is it true what she said? Are you really a lot like him?”
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