“Everything all right?” Felix called out as I started out across the lawn. He sounded concerned.
“Fine. I just need to think.” I tried to sound casual.
He still looked uncertain when I turned away, leaving him standing amidst our dragonrider comrades. But he didn’t follow.
I walked without realizing where I was going. It wasn’t until I found myself climbing the ladder to my old room in the loft above Ulric’s abandoned workshop, that I even bothered to notice my surroundings. Up there, in that drafty place, I blew the dust off my childhood memories. Everything was just as I’d left it. Moonlight filtered through the gaps in the warped boards, casting strangely-shaped shadows on the floor.
I sat down beneath the window where I’d peeked out at Sile when I was just a kid. That same year, I was chosen by Mavrik. I became a fledgling dragonrider, and my life took a drastic turn in a direction I never would have expected.
It felt so far away now, a distant memory. I’d cowered here in this room, filled with so much fear and uncertainty. Now I sat in the same spot, as a man, warrior, and dragonrider, with those same feelings turning my insides to knots.
And yet, part of me felt like that frightened little boy again.
“So this is where you’re hiding.” Beckah’s head popped up through the door in the loft floor, startling me. She carried a candle and wore her nightgown and robe. She shuffled over to plop down right beside me.
I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her. Rather, there was so much I wanted to say that I had no idea where to begin.
“Everyone’s asleep.” She placed the candle down on the floor in front of us. “Except for Felix. He’s still sitting on the porch. Waiting for you to come back, I expect. He was a mess after you—well—after we all thought you’d been killed at Barrowton. I think he’s worried you’ll run off and leave him again.”
I listened and watched the candle’s flame dance before us.
“I was so awful to him.” Her voice got quieter. “I want to tell him I’m sorry. I’m just not sure how.”
“I’m sure he knows you didn’t mean it.”
“Even so, he was suffering, too. I was selfish— cruel even. But the thought of losing you …” Her voice faded into silence. She turned to look at me, and I could see the pain in her eyes. “We don’t have to teach ourselves how to fall in love, you know. We just do it without even trying. But no one ever warns us about how, if that love is damaged or destroyed, we have to teach ourselves how to go on without it. It just doesn’t seem right, does it?”
“There’s not much right in the world anymore,” I replied. “At least, that’s how it seems from where I’m sitting. This was my room, you know. When I was younger, before I became a dragonrider, this is where I slept every night. Ulric and his wife didn’t want me in the house. To them it must have seemed like a punishment to put me out here. But … I liked it. I liked being far away from them. It was the only time I wasn’t afraid.”
Beckah’s touch was gentle as she took my hand. She gave me a small, hopeful smile. The warm candlelight bathing her face made her eyes shine like evergreen-colored stars.
“I slept right over there, and every day I looked out this window. That’s where I got my first good look at your father. He came to get a saddle. Maybe that was just an excuse to spy on me.” I laughed because the memory seemed so ridiculous now considering how far I’d come. “I was different, back then. I know I’ve changed a lot. I’m just not sure it’s all been for the better.”
I could feel her thumb rubbing against the back of my hand in a comforting way. “I don’t think that’s something we get to decide for ourselves, Jae,” she said quietly. “We change because of what’s around us. Little by little, the events of our lives chisel away at us until we’re someone altogether different at the end.”
I managed to smile back at her. I was determined to at least look like I had it all together, even if my heart felt so heavy. I suspected it was the weight of reality sinking in—the reality of the terrible thing I was about to do. It was going to change the world. It was going to make things better for everyone else. Or so I hoped.
But I wasn’t stupid enough to think that change like that wouldn’t come at a price.
She smiled and began tracing her fingertips lightly along the scar that ran from my brow down over my cheek. Then she brushed some of my hair away from my eyes and let her forehead rest against mine. “What happened to your hair?”
“It’s a long story,” I murmured as I stared at her, hypnotized by how close she was.
“I can’t believe you’re back,” she said softly. “It’s like I’m too afraid to let myself feel it. Did you miss me?”
Reaching under the leather vambrace strapped to my forearm, I took out a small, stained, tattered piece of cloth. It had once been a handkerchief—one she’d embroidered especially for me with the image of two dragons. I’d carried it with me into battle, into Luntharda, and now it was looking a little worse for wear.
Her eyes widened with amazement as she took it carefully and held it up to the candlelight.
“Sorry it doesn’t look as nice as it did before,” I started to apologize.
“Oh Jae,” she whispered as she ran her fingers over the stitching. “I can’t believe you still have it.”
“I’m never giving it up,” I assured her. “It was like carrying a piece of you with me.”
Without saying a word, she folded the handkerchief up and placed it next to the candle.
Then she doused the light.
The sudden darkness blurred my vision and I was confused until I felt her hands on my neck and her warm lips press against mine.
Felix was still waiting on us when we returned to the house. He sat on the front step, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and a dejected expression pointed out into the darkness. He perked up a bit when he spotted us making our way back.
“I had a nice long chat with the others,” he announced proudly as he got to his feet. “They’re all in agreement. We’re with you, Jae, to the bitter end.”
Beckah gasped. “How did you manage that?”
He grinned and combed his fingers through his hair proudly. “Charm, of course.”
“Right. Because that nonsense works on war-hardened soldiers.” I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t about to show it, but I was impressed. Felix had a way with people that I clearly lacked. It made me grateful that he didn’t hate my guts for disappearing and making him believe I was dead. I was going to need him in order to pull this off.
For a few awkward seconds, none of us spoke. Felix was giving me a meaningful look out of the corner of his eye, and I got the feeling he still hadn’t forgiven me for letting him think I was dead.
“Don’t be too long, it’s getting late. I can only imagine how interesting tomorrow is going to be,” Beckah whispered. She gave me a wink before disappearing into the house.
And I was left alone, staring my best friend in the eye. The atmosphere between us was still tense and awkward. My face hurt where he’d punched me for not letting him know I was alive. I’d probably have a nice bruise there by morning.
“Figures,” I heard him mutter under his breath as he sat back down on the steps.
I sat down next to him. “What does?”
“That you’d still be alive. That I went through all that hell for nothing.” He made a point not to look my way. “I adopted you, you know. Signed the documents and everything.”
“Adopted?”
“Yeah. So technically now you’re my brother. That makes you a marquess, if you’re interested. Also, it would be appropriate to change your last name to Farrow, you know, as a gesture of gratitude.”
I gaped at him. “Why did you do that?”
“It’s always the way I’ve felt. I just decided it was time to make it official. And since you were dead, you couldn’t argue with me or give me that dumb look you’re giving me right now.�
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“Sorry.” I closed my mouth and tried to compose myself. “Thank you. That … well, it means a lot.”
I was stunned. I’d almost shaken that heaviness in my chest, that feeling of anxiety and pain. But knowing he’d done something like that for me brought it all back with a crushing vengeance. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
He shrugged. “I’m still pissed at you, for the record.”
“I know. You have every right to be.”
“See, that pisses me off even more. You could at least act like you were justified or something. Be a little self-righteous about it.” He reared back and punched my arm hard. Bruise number two.
I winced. “Fine. I was doing what I thought was right. I couldn’t allow myself to reflect on what was going on here because every time I did, it clouded my judgment.”
“That’s better.” Felix smirked as though satisfied. “Now you’re sounding more like a Farrow.”
More time passed and we sat together without saying a word. I had a lot of questions for him—particularly about how he was apparently marrying a girl I had assumed he hated. I had a hard enough time imagining him getting married at all. He didn’t strike me as the “till death do us part” sort. But what did I know? Besides, now didn’t seem like the right time to get into all that. I had a bigger question in mind, one that had nagged at my brain for years.
“Why did you befriend me in the first place?”
His eyebrows went up and his mouth scrunched uncomfortably.
“When we were fledglings at the academy, you went out of your way to sit with me and get to know me. I’ve always wondered why.”
“I’d heard about the halfbreed student who was joining our ranks. Everyone was talking about how puny you were and that they didn’t expect you to last one day in real training,” he recalled. “I suppose I just wanted to see for myself what you were really like—if you were actually that brave, or just dumb.”
“And? What was the verdict?”
Felix grinned again. “I dunno. The jury’s still out.”
That wasn’t exactly the answer I’d been hoping for.
Before I could come up with a good comeback, he draped an arm over my shoulders and gave an over-embellished sigh. “We really are going to die this time, aren’t we?”
I couldn’t tell if he was serious or just being sarcastic by his tone. Knowing him, I decided to bet on sarcastic. “Probably.”
“Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later,” he chuckled. “You know, they’ll write songs or tell tales about us. We’ll be remembered as heroes.”
“More likely, villains,” I retorted. “Evil or not, you don’t kill a king and expect to walk away with a clean reputation.”
Felix shook his head. “Nah. I’m too good-looking to be a villain. Besides, anyone who’s actually met you knows you’re basically an overgrown fluff ball with pointy ears and a bleeding heart. Definitely not villain material.”
“Gee, thanks.”
My guard was down. I wasn’t even thinking about how he’d positioned himself to put me in a perfect headlock. Before I could react, he squeezed my neck with his arm so hard I could barely breathe. I flailed and tried to get an elbow into his ribs without success.
“Seriously though,” he growled threateningly. “If you ever do that to me again, I will kill you myself. And your headstone will say something like ‘I was a total jerk and I really am dead this time.’ Got it?”
I made a choking sound I hoped he would take as a yes.
“Good,” he said as he let me go.
“That hurt, you know.” I shot him a glare. Bruise number three.
He scowled back. “So did thinking you died in battle. We’re even.”
I cursed at him as I rubbed my neck.
“And now you just act like it’s nothing,” he rumbled.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He looked frustrated as he kicked the toe of his boot into the dirt. “You’re always like this. You keep everything inside, hiding it from everybody including me. You’ve always kept things from me because you think I can’t handle it. And that really sucks, because it feels like no matter what we’ve been through, you’ve never really trusted me unless you had no other choice. You are my family. And I buried you. Do you have any idea what that was like?”
I didn’t. And all I could do was hang my head in shame. “I should have let you know somehow that I wasn’t dead. I realize that now. I’m sorry, Felix.”
“Like I said, sorry doesn’t cut it.”
“Then how can I make it right?” I was beginning to wonder if he’d ever forgive me. “Tell me. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”
“Don’t let it happen again, for starters. The rest … I’ll just have to think about.” He was muttering under his breath. “From here on out, whatever happens—regardless of how weird or dangerous you think it is—you better tell me what’s going on. I can’t stand by you if I don’t know where you are. That’s what we do, you know. It’s what we’ve always done. There’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to scare me bad enough that I won’t be there, ready to fight to the death right beside you.”
“Felix,” I started. I wanted to tell him. Gods and Fates, I needed to.
He just looked at me and waited.
“I think I’m going to die. I think at the end of this, Paligno is going to take my life as compensation for what my father did. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t barter for it. It has to be Ulric’s bloodline who pays the price and it has to be the lapiloque who puts the stone back—it has to be me.”
Felix didn’t reply.
I tried to hold it in. I tried swallowing, looking away, rubbing my forehead, and anything else that might help. Men weren’t supposed to cry—dragonriders least of all—and definitely never in front of other men. It was an unspoken law of manhood. No one liked to see a man that way, vulnerable and broken. But suddenly the weight, the stress, the lies, the years of pain and fear bore down on me all at once. I couldn’t take it. Something snapped.
I turned away so he wouldn’t see.
Felix put a hand on my shoulder.
I bit down hard on my words, and yet I still couldn’t keep from stammering. “D-don’t tell Beckah. P-please.”
“Not a word.”
After a few deep breaths, I found I could talk without choking and stuttering. But despite my best efforts, my voice still sounded as broken as I felt. “I know I can’t afford to second-guess myself. This has to be done,” I confessed. “But I’m terrified. I’m angry. I want the assurance that this really will put an end to the war, that it’s all going to be worth it. But whenever I ask Paligno for an answer or a sign, all I get is silence.”
“We don’t get to know that kind of stuff, dummy. Even if you are this god’s ‘chosen one,’ we just have to go on faith.” He shook my shoulder roughly. “Faith in the cause. Faith in the people we love. Faith that however this ends, we’ll have done everything we possibly could to make things right.”
I wiped my face on the sleeve of my shirt. “Are you still going to feel that way if we fail and Hovrid puts us all to death? Or if the curse spreads and devours every living thing on the earth?”
Felix wore that cocky, crooked, know-it-all smirk. “Sure. And now that we have that settled, let’s go over this plan of yours. How do you intend to overthrow the King of Maldobar in his own throne room?”
As much as I needed—and wanted—to sleep, it just wasn’t in the cards for me. My brain was a tangled rat’s nest of worries that I tried desperately to unravel as I lay on the floor in front of the living room hearth. I was stretched out on a woven wool rug that Mrs. Derrick had put down. I used a rolled-up blanket as a pillow and watched the dancing flames cast flickering shadows over the walls until dawn.
Beckah, Felix, and Kiran were the first to wake, bounding down the stairs like rowdy children. They made a lot of racket, enough to wake everyone el
se up, as they began clanging pots and pans together. Beckah handed out orders as efficiently as her mother, instructing them on how to properly light the kitchen fire, crack the eggs, and cut the vegetables for breakfast. Kiran was much better at taking her directions than Felix.
I lay still with my eyes closed, hoping that anyone who peered in at me would just assume I was asleep and let me have a few more minutes alone with my thoughts. Besides, it was interesting to hear them squabble back and forth. Beckah was in rare form.
“Congratulations on your wedding, by the way.” She heckled Felix mercilessly. “It was good of you to finally make an honest woman out of Julianna.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Felix mumbled. He sounded embarrassed. “She had to make an honest man out of me first, though. Which wasn’t so easily done, unfortunately. If there’s one thing I do best, it’s making a fool out of myself.”
“No argument there.” Beckah giggled. “Still, we were all glad to hear you two had resolved your differences. Especially since no one was even sure you were still engaged. And then when she kissed Jae at the officers’ ball—”
Someone—probably Felix—dropped one of the metal pots on the floor. It made an awful racket. “She what?”
“Or maybe he kissed her. I don’t remember which it was.” I could tell Beckah was baiting him on with her dismissive tone. It was working beautifully.
Felix was practically beside himself. “Gods and Fates, woman. How could you not remember which?”
“What difference does it make?” Kiran grumbled as though the whole conversation were annoying to him. “A kiss is a kiss.”
“What difference does it make?” Felix repeated his question in a mocking tone. “Well, either my fiancée kissed my best friend, or he kissed her. Makes a pretty big difference, if you ask me.”
Beckah was laughing again. “Oh come on, Felix. We all know she just did it to make you jealous. And can you blame her? The way you fawned over every girl in the room right in front of her. Honestly, it was as disgusting as it was pathetic.”
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