by Kelly, Erika
“You also can’t live your life to make them happy.”
“You don’t get it. My life is baseball. It’s a great life, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“But you are. Ryan, you are messing it up. Instead of thinking how you don’t want to mess up what you already have, why don’t you think about what you’d really like? If you could take Emma, your dad, your coaches, your teammates, and your friends out of the picture, what would you want to do?”
“I can’t take them out. They’ve made me who I am. They’re part of this whole show.”
“You don’t owe—Oh. You feel guilty.” She pushed back a little, as clarity hit her. “You had to be on your best behavior, right? With all the chaos in your house, you weren’t allowed to be a little boy who had tantrums. I’ll bet your mom couldn’t even handle you in a bad mood.”
Something changed in him. His features clouded, tensed. “She shouldn’t have had to.”
And then he fixed those topaz eyes on her. “I made everything ten times worse. All the time. I never let up.”
The worry and fear in his eyes killed her. “What’d you do?”
He looked stricken. “I went nuts over something stupid, and my mom left. Because of my bullshit.”
“Wait, you’re not blaming yourself for your mom’s drinking, are you?”
“No. Well, partly.”
If he’d been a good boy his mom wouldn’t have had to drink. Is that she’d told him to justify her neglect?
“I knew she was an alcoholic, and I never let up on her. Everyone else left her alone, but I kept pushing.”
“You can’t blame yourself for their divorce.” Oh, Ryan.
“Yeah, I can. She, uh, she didn’t pick me up after a tournament. We’d won the Little League championship for the third year in a row, which was a big deal in our town. Most of the parents had come to the game, so the kids went home with them. There were only a few of us on the bus, but they all got picked up. I was the only one left in the parking lot. My mom didn’t come. And it pissed me off because everyone was meeting at Brazzo’s Pizzeria. We were celebrating. And I wanted that damn pizza and Coke. I wanted to be there with my friends. And…” He glanced at her with a rueful expression. “Fucking pizza.” He forced a laugh. “I was a whiney bitch.”
“No, you weren’t. Your mom should’ve picked you up. You should’ve celebrated with your team. You should’ve had that pizza and Coke. You were a kid.”
“Believe me, it was nothing new. Anyhow, I needed a ride. And I knew Coach would take me because, of course, that’s what he always had to do. But that day I said, Screw it. And I left. I walked, man, I don’t know how many miles home. And the whole way, I was just building up this rage. I walked in and saw my mom drunk in front of the TV. And I lost it. I just fucking lost it. Yelled at her for not picking me up. It was the Jerry Springer show. I’ll never forget it. She didn’t come to my game, didn’t pick me up, so she could watch Jerry Springer? So, I’m yelling at her and she just starts screaming at me. Why can’t you leave me alone? Why do you always have to be such a pain in the ass?”
He looked tortured, and she knew there wasn’t a damn thing she could do to make it better.
“Usually, once she’d start on her rant, I’d go to my room. Or go to Jake’s house. But that day I was so pissed. I took her bottle away, threw it out the sliding glass door, and she just lost her mind.” He closed his eyes, brow furrowing tightly. “I hate you, I fucking hate you. Why can’t you leave me alone?” When his eyes opened, he drew in a sharp breath. “She ran after her bottle. Right into the sliding glass door. I guess she didn’t see me close it. I don’t know, but she hit it hard. Her nose was bleeding. I mean gushing. I freaked out, all that blood. And she was on the floor screaming and thrashing. I called my dad at work. It was…it was bad.”
The way he stared at the glass door made her feel like he was back in that moment, reliving it, and she wanted to say something so badly, but she knew he wasn’t finished.
“She didn’t come home from the hospital. I never saw her in our house again. She and my sister moved into an apartment. At some point, my parents got a divorce. I don’t really know. We never talked about it.” He shifted her on his lap. “I mean, obviously I knew she was a drunk. She rarely picked me up. She hardly ever cooked or bought food. My dad did all of that. So I don’t know why I was on her all the time. Yelling and throwing tantrums.”
She couldn’t take it anymore. “Ryan.” She cupped his face in her hands. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I was old enough to know. I should’ve ignored her shit like everyone else did. Hell, I should’ve made dinner for my brother and sister. Instead, I pushed so hard I made my dad get rid of her. And when Nicole, my little sister, came back to us?” He lowered his head, eyes closing for a moment. “She was a mess.” He shook his head. “I fucked everything up.”
“No, you didn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He didn’t look like he believed her.
“How old were you when she walked through the sliding glass door?”
“Eleven.”
“You were a kid, and a kid doesn’t have the maturity to understand his emotions, let alone the crazy dynamics between his parents. Ryan, you reacted like any pissed-off eleven-year-old. If anyone’s to blame it’s your parents. I wasn’t there, but it sure sounds like your dad should’ve divorced her years earlier. A nanny would’ve taken better care of you than your mom did.”
“I wish I’d shut my mouth that day.”
“I think you’ve made up for it.” When he looked confused, she said, “You’ve spent the rest of your life keeping your mouth shut, trying to be the good boy who doesn’t cause trouble. Look, you have to let this go. What happened to your family is not your fault. It was a messed up situation, and you kids took the brunt of it. But you’re not that little boy anymore. You don’t have to hold everything in. You can stop worrying about upsetting the balance and just let yourself be whoever you want to be.”
She felt too much for him. Every time they talked, the bond deepened, and she couldn’t do this—keep getting closer to someone who would leave her in a day or two and never look back. She started to get off his lap, but he held her tighter. “You know I don’t want you with Jake. Not like that. But I do think he can help with the business stuff. You should talk to him to figure out if taking over the business yourself is something you want to do.”
“Okay.”
When he leaned in, like he might want to kiss her, she pushed him back. “Why did you shut down on me at the table?”
“I just ended a six year relationship. I can’t…I just can’t get back into another one.”
“I’m not asking for one.”
“No, you’re not. You’re great. You’re perfect. But look at me. I came after you at the concert. I commandeered your boat and your Jeep. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. But I can’t go right into another relationship. Especially another long distance one.” He shook his head. “I want you to distraction, but I can’t have distraction. I have to face my shit.”
“You do.” Holding the towel more tightly, she got off his lap. “And I don’t need to be jerked around while you decide whether you want me from one moment to the next, so let’s just go to sleep. You’ll take me back to the resort tomorrow, and we’ll just do our own thing, okay? Like none of this ever happened.”
When she came out of the bathroom, she found Ryan sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his phone. “Bathroom’s all yours.”
Bare-chested, wearing only his boxers, he got up, dropped his phone on the nightstand, and nodded as he walked past her. She’d brought her toiletry bag out with her, so she tossed the towel on the bed and began slathering on lotion. As long as she could hear the water running, she figured she was okay being naked.
She was trying hard not to be hurt that he’d called her a distraction, but it wasn’t working. She had a lot to deal with in her life, too, and she didn’t think
of him that way—
“Oh, shit, sorry.”
Heart leaping into her throat at the sound of his voice, she snatched the towel and quickly covered her body. Although, seriously, why bother? Like he hadn’t seen her? Touched and kissed her in the most intimate places? Silly to feel modest at this point.
He looked utterly miserable. “Is your deodorant unscented? I didn’t bring anything.”
She really needed to stop staring at that powerfully cut chest. “Yep, unscented. Help yourself to anything in my toiletry bag.” She gestured to it on the nightstand.
He grabbed it and returned to the bathroom.
When she finished moisturizing, Sophie reached into her overnight bag for something to wear. Normally, she slept in the nude, but she certainly hadn’t imagined sharing a room with a guy. So she pulled out her gauzy cover-up. Once she got under the covers, Ryan wouldn’t see her body through the sheer material.
Her phone danced on the nightstand, and she picked it up to find a text from her aunt.
Glad we talked. Why don’t you come out to the ranch next weekend, before things get too hectic with school? We can talk about moving Crazy Hearts out here. See if you could be happy in Big Sky country!
A thrill shot through her, quickly replaced by fear. She typed out her reply. I already know I love it there. Just not sure I want to leave my family. Will talk to them first, see if we can find a way to make all 5 of us happy. But I love knowing it’s an option. Thank you!
“You look happy.” Ryan came out of the bathroom in nothing but his boxers. His hair looked like he’d scrubbed a towel over it. It made him even hotter—less movie star and more boy-next-door approachable.
“I am.”
“What’s going on?” When his gaze roamed her body, she remembered the naughty view offered by her cover-up.
She quickly peeled back the covers and climbed into the bed. “I talked to my aunt.”
“The one who lives in Montana?”
She nodded. “She’s got this huge ranch right outside Bozeman. It’s a great town. Montana State University’s there, so it’s lively and fun, lots of restaurants. Anyhow, she’s got a big events building on her property. The former owners used to show horses.”
“Are you talking about moving Crazy Hearts there?”
“Maybe. It’s just a thought. I have to figure out if it’s even feasible for me to consider running a business.”
“Damn. You work fast. Yesterday you thought you’d lose your family’s legacy, and today you’re moving to Montana.” He sat in a chair, looking at her in awe. “You impress the hell out of me.” For a moment, he looked lost in thought. And then he gave his head a slow shake. “You sure you want to live there?”
“I think so. It’d be so great to live where I could hike and ski. Yellowstone’s right there, and Jackson Hole’s just a few hours south. There’s so much to do out there.”
“What about your family?”
“Well, that’s the point. I don’t want to leave them. I hope they’ll want to compromise with me.” But, of course, she knew they wouldn’t. Maybe a few months from now, when her sister had settled into being a mother. But by then it would be too late. “At least I have an option.”
Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, he looked like he was really giving it some thought, and to know this guy she just met had become so invested in her…it twisted her heart. Because she couldn’t have him. Forget the timing. He’d never live with her in Montana, and she’d never be the tag-along girlfriend in his professional baseball career.
A knock broke the uncomfortable tension between them. He got up, opened the door wide, and stood back to let the room service cart in. Handing a bill to the server, he closed the door behind him.
She sat up. “What’s this?”
“You didn’t finish your dinner.”
Heat bloomed across her cheeks. “Oh, I ate enough.” But maybe he hadn’t finished his, either. “Are you hungry?” The way he looked at her told her what he was really hungry for.
“I didn’t order dinner.” Wheeling the cart to her bedside, he started lifting the silver dome lids.
Happiness washed over her like sunshine. “Dessert?”
“One of everything.”
She had no words.
“You game?”
She sighed. Wasn’t that just the problem with him? “Totally.”
She shouldn’t have had sugar right before bed.
The sheet bunched under her legs, so she yanked it out and drew it over her. Still uncomfortable, she threw it off entirely and rolled to her side. And…still wide awake. Her suite overlooked the ocean, so maybe if she opened the French windows the steady roar of waves would lull her.
“Can’t sleep?” Ryan asked.
“No.” Of course he was awake. She’d banished him to the couch.
Yes, because I knew what we’d do if we shared a bed.
“I can make you some tea. They have chamomile.”
Seriously? Mr. Pro Baseball Hottie wanted to make her tea? After he’d ordered her dessert, since she’d missed it at dinner?
I could fall in love with this man.
“Thank you, but I don’t think that’ll help.”
“What will?”
She didn’t answer right away, torn between wanting him under the covers with her and knowing it was best for them to keep their distance. She should just stick with the plan they’d already made—go to sleep and in the morning go their separate ways. If she could only ignore that annoying voice that kept reminding her she was on spring break. She should be having fun, letting go. They’d already slept together. Why not do it again? What had Kat said? You’re not made of glass. You’re not going to shatter.
But it was complicated enough. They didn’t need to make it worse by having sex again. “Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“You obviously can’t sleep either. That couch is way too small.”
“That’s not why.”
“What is it, then?”
“You.”
She sucked in a breath. Did he mean it like she think he did? Or just that her restlessness had kept him up? “I’m sorry. I’ll keep still.”
“I want to be where you are.”
Oh, my God. The things he said. “Ryan.”
Material rustled. She looked over to find him sitting up. Shirtless. In the shard of moonlight streaming through a break in the curtains, she could see the tension in his muscles. She could feel her own restraint like a pressure bearing down on her.
“Do you want to sleep in my bed?” she asked.
“Yes.” He sprang off the couch and climbed in beside her, keeping a good distance between them on the king-size mattress. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to jump you. Go to sleep.”
“Okay.” Sleep. Right. She lay back down on her side, facing away from him.
Except sleep was impossible. Because he was right there. Her body was strung so tightly if he touched her she’d twang. She wanted him so badly, but after everything he’d told her in the shower? He had nothing to give her. He had to figure out his life. And when he did, she still wouldn’t fit into it. They had nothing beyond this one night.
“This is worse.” His voice sounded strained.
It was. Maybe she was making it too complicated. They’d already had sex—what would be so bad about doing it again?
Just one more time.
Every cell in her body shuddered with glee and shouted, Yes. That.
“I’m going back to the couch.” Bedding rustled, as he started to get up.
Her heart pounded, and she reached for him. “Stay.”
“Soph…” He exhaled in what sounded like unbearable frustration.
One more night. “Please?”
With a big sigh, he eased back down. On opposite sides of the big bed, she couldn’t even feel his heat. She shifted backwards, closer to him. Reaching behind her, she held out her hand. He clasped it, and she drew it over her waist. He pushed right up
against her, tucked his face into her neck, and breathed her in. His hand flattened on her stomach, and he pulled her up against him.
He kissed her cheek, and then settled in behind her, spooning.
Wide awake, her nerve-endings sparked and snapped like live wires. The heat of his body, the pressure of his palm, and the clean, masculine smell of him drove her crazy.
She couldn’t take it. Rolling over, she faced him. In the faint light, she looked into his eyes and took in that handsome face. The scruff couldn’t hide his movie star good looks. “I know we just met, but I really like you.”
His fingers flexed on her waist. Heat poured off him, and tension strained his muscles to the point she could see the tendons in his neck. “Fuck.” With a pained expression, he pulled away.
She reached for him, her hand tugging on his shoulder. “Don’t go.”
“I can’t do it. I can’t keep my hands off you.”
What did it matter, the things that kept them apart? So what if she never saw him again if she wanted him so desperately right now?
Her heart thumped heavily, as desire rose from a purr to a roar. “Then don’t.”
His features tensed at the same time his mouth softened, lips parting. The vulnerability in his eyes, the hunger, was her undoing.
“One last time.” Everything in her rebelled at the thought of never having him this close again.
He shifted towards her, until they lay facing each other. Brushing a lock of hair off her cheek, he tucked it behind her ear. Gentle fingers cupped her chin, as he pressed the softest kiss to her mouth. “You taste good.” He licked the seam of her lips. “You smell good.” Pulling away, he gazed into her eyes. “I feel different around you.” A sexy smile curled his lips. “And I like it.”
An electrical charge heated her blood. Her body trembled. “I like it, too.”
Pushing up on his elbows, he sat back against the headboard and reached for her. “Get up here.”
The moment she rolled over and climbed on top of him, he tugged on the cover-up, urging her to lift her arms so he could pull it over her head.
He let out a hiss of breath, letting his gaze travel from her mouth to her bare breasts to the junction of her thighs. A hand at either side of her waist, he drew her forward, until he settled her right over his hard, thick erection. She let out a moan of pure pleasure and rocked her hips.
