“Not because I was fascinated by the words in them,” he explained. “Honestly I just felt guilty. I felt like I had some sad, significant role in his story—the fact that he was no longer here, doing good, helping people, saving people. I felt like I played a part in taking that away from him because of what my mother did. I was this tormented six-year-old child, holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. It got worse as I got older, and I had so much guilt I thought it was going to swallow me whole. Actually I wished it would. I wished I would never have a birthday again, I wished I would never see my mom again, and I wished to become something bigger than my own story. I found a handwritten note in one of his books, and I kept it in a box on my nightstand. Our past does not make us who we are. At first the note had no meaning to me. But then as I got older, I learned Walter himself had a rough life before he became a doctor. As I dealt with my guilt and my anger, it was all I could hold on to—the chance of not being defined by the shame I felt over my mother, the depression and sadness I felt over my father, the heavy guilt I had for a man I never knew. That was it. I shut it all off. I decided my past had nothing to do with who I would become. All I wanted was to replace some man I never knew, as if that would right all the wrongs in my life. So I changed my story. I wanted to pretend I had potential, just like that woman said, so I could be worthy of those books.”
Sawyer looked down at me, and I stared back at him. There was so much sadness in his eyes, but it made sense to me. His issues were much bigger than just a distressed child making up a lie to appease other kids.
“I guess I’ve lied about it so long, I almost believed it,” he said quietly. “It all came out to you the same way it had so many times before. My entire life, people asked me questions about why I was raised by my grandparents. As a child the real truth tormented me, so I simplified it. The gist of it was the same—losing my parents, being inspired to go into pediatrics. But the details were too personal for me. If I only let out half the truth, I didn’t have to give up anymore. I know that doesn’t make it right, but that’s the only way I got through it.”
“You were going to keep that up forever?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “When we first met, I wasn’t looking that far ahead. That was just my stock answer, the one I gave everyone, so I didn’t think much about it. I just wanted to help you in that moment when I realized what you were going through. Then we started spending more time together. It weighed on me; don’t get me wrong. The way you instantly told me the truth about your frustrations and shortcomings—I was instantly fascinated by you. I guess I’d felt so far away from the truth for so long, that was the first time I realized how much I missed it.”
“I’m cautious about people, Sawyer,” I began, unsure of what to think or feel. His explanation made sense to me, as much as I could understand it anyway as an outsider. But to become so close to someone, just to realize their ability to lie straight to my face—it was still troubling to me on some level. “I hate this. I hate that we started off like this. The beginning is supposed to be the easy part. If we can’t even get that right, I don’t know where to go from here.”
“Whit, please,” he said, full of emotion. He reached out to put an arm around me.
“Sawyer, this is bad timing,” I replied, shaking my head. “This has all been bad timing. I feel like we just need to start over. Some other place. Some other time. I don’t know.”
“I can’t wait for you,” he said matter-of-factly. His words confused me. Was a clock ticking? I stood up from the bench.
“I’m not asking you to wait for me, Sawyer. You wouldn’t be the first guy to let me down, you know. I’ve never suspected I’m worth waiting for, so you’re off the hook there.” A slow tear slid down my cheek, and it only made me angry. I felt like I couldn’t have a conversation with him here. Being home, around my family, at my favorite spot—it all made me feel emotional and weak. I’d crumbled in front of him so many times, it was exhausting. “You once told me to break, Sawyer. So here it is. I’m continuously breaking. But this time I’d like to do it alone.”
I offered him a weak shrug, then turned to walk home. I couldn’t decide if I felt brave just now, standing up for myself, or like half a person, walking away from someone who made me feel whole for the first time.
“I mean, I won’t wait for you,” he added firmly.
“So don’t.”
Chapter 22
“This isn’t coming out right,” he said in frustration. “Don’t walk away. I’m trying to say that I can’t just let time pass without doing something to make this better. It has to happen now. I’m not letting us fall apart over this. We can’t just wait for it to get better, Whit. We have to make it better. Now.”
“Why did you come here? Honestly, why?”
“Because I know I have to fight for you, Whit. I am fighting for us. You don’t get to decide you’re not worth fighting for. You justify it like you’re not worth it just because nobody’s done it before. But I am here. And I am not leaving without a fight. Just because someone else was stupid enough to give you up, Whit, don’t put that on me. I’m not that guy. I will fight for you until you’re the one walking away, and even then I will fight until you’re certain you are better off without me. But I swear to you, I will do whatever it takes to be the guy you want fighting for you.”
Slow tears continued to fall from my eyes.
“I came because I’m trying to save this, whatever that looks like,” Sawyer said, waving his arms and raising his voice. “Because before you I never had anything to fight for. I never poured myself into anyone, because I was afraid. You’re right: I’ve been a coward my whole life. All my guilt and shame—I buried it, but it was still there. But through you I’ve realized how to love someone again, Whit. I can’t even begin to explain to you what a big deal that is. That’s not your burden, I know. It’s mine. But you are worth fighting for. Please. I won’t wait for things to change for us. I’ve been a passenger my whole life, waiting for something in me to change, but it never happened. All the therapy I went through, all of the lessons on forgiveness, everyone’s wise words about letting go of my hurt and anger . . . none of that changed me. Not until I met you. So I’m not waiting for change anymore. I will make it happen myself. I’m not letting you walk away from me like this. We’ll fix it together.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I cried into his chest.
“I’m not giving up on this, Whit. I messed up, and I know that. I’m truly sorry. I’ve made promises to you too, and I haven’t broken a single one—and I’m never going to. Everything I’ve promised you is going to happen. You and me, wrapped in blankets under a clear sky every chance we get, or by the fire when the seasons change . . . canopies under the stars, the boathouse with a hammock for you . . . You and me together. What’s the one thing you told me you wanted in life?”
“Simplicity,” I said quietly. “Something along those lines.”
“You specifically told me all you wanted in the world was a beautiful place to just sit and write, away from the chaos of the rest of the world. I am going to build you that place, Whit. The life you want. I can give you that. And in doing so you’ll get all of me—the truth, however ugly it is. But you have to have faith in me. I’m broken, obviously, but I will spend the rest of my days trying to become whole for you, Whit. I promise you that.”
“I don’t care about your past, Sawyer. I don’t care what your parents did for a living or who raised you. I mean, that stuff is important to learn more about who you are, but the logistics don’t change my opinion of you. It was the fact that you were learning every flaw I had while hiding your own. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable around you. You’ve seen me at my absolute worst. You’re still here. So why on earth did you think it would be any different for me?”
“I never thought I deserved to be forgiven for everything I went through,” he said softly, as slow tears rolled down his face. “But you, the way you
are with your family, your mom’s faith and calm, and the love your dad has for you—that’s all I’ve been searching for my whole life. I saw that in you, and I just . . . I froze. I didn’t know that kind of life. But I do now, and I’m not letting go of it.” He tilted my face toward him and brushed my hair back. “All that is going on right now with your family and my family—imagine getting through it together.”
“You’re the only reason I made it through this last time,” I said sincerely, truly thankful he’d never given up on me.
“We both have a lot to go through, Whit, on different levels. With my mom in the picture now, I don’t even know what to do with that. I’ve spent the last twenty years forgetting her, but now, watching you love your family like you do, I can’t help but wonder if I need to forgive her somehow. I mean, I know that won’t happen overnight, but maybe, with you, I can figure out how to do that.”
“I don’t have all the answers,” I said honestly. “I can’t imagine how to deal with something like that, but you can’t just bury it. You have to heal from it somehow. Whether that looks like forgiveness or not, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just time. Conversation.”
“I’m not afraid to face it anymore, Whit. That’s my point,” he explained. “I have no more secrets. It’s like this huge weight is finally off my chest, and I can breathe again. You made me realize this feeling of freedom is worth fighting for. You, Whit, are everything worth fighting for.”
I looked into his eyes and saw everything he was feeling. That look of wanting something so badly—this was it, and I imagined my eyes mirrored his.
“Look, I don’t have much. I know that. Just an old cabin that needs some work, a sad dog with a lot of health problems, and a whole lot more school to get through, which will be grueling,” he admitted. “On paper I know I’m not exactly a catch.”
“Is this the part where you tell me you also owe three hundred thousand dollars in student loans, and you need my help with spreadsheets?” I said lightheartedly, trying to soften the conversation.
“Actually, that’s one other thing I haven’t told you.” He paused, smiling at me. “I actually received a pretty sizable scholarship for med school. I was picked up for a full ride through a fund that was set up many years ago. It was the WW Scholarship Foundation, and I didn’t put it together at the time I was chosen. I had sent out so many letters and applications looking for help anywhere I could get it. I knew my grandparents weren’t going to be able to afford tuition. When I accepted the scholarship, an older woman presented it to me, and I recognized her immediately. It was the same woman who’d told a little boy he had potential to change the world.”
“Walter’s mom,” I whispered, figuring it out.
“Apparently she knew who I was, even as a young boy. She knew everything that had happened. My name wasn’t lost on her when she read my application all those years later. She handed me an envelope with the scholarship details, and inside there was a note. It simply read, Walter would be proud of all you’ve accomplished. That note burned like a fire through me, and I knew with absolute certainty that was the path that was chosen for me. I never looked back. I knew from that moment on that I would do something great, despite my past. And I know I’m still trying, but it has motivated me every day since. Once I met you I realized something else: I don’t think it’s possible to achieve greatness alone. If there’s no one there to celebrate it with you, I can’t imagine it’s so great after all.”
I thought about his words for a moment, realizing I felt the same way. I was on some desperate search for greatness, wanting to prove myself to the entire world, only to realize I was doing it all wrong. Without someone to share in those triumphs, it would be as if they didn’t exist. Greatness achieved alone is merely a half-truth. It exists to you but to no one else, thus rendering it a completely mediocre act after all. My words on paper, naked and alone, would never have any greater meaning without someone else to share them with. They otherwise didn’t exist.
“Promise me something,” I whispered, leaning in to Sawyer.
“Anything.”
“No matter what happens, you’ll fight for me.”
“I will.”
“Even if I get feisty and I push you away,” I continued, staring back at him. “You’ll fight for me anyway.”
“I promise you, Whitley Rose, no matter what happens,” he said, wrapping his arms tighter around me, “I will fight for you. For us. Whether we achieve greatness together or are swallowed by mediocrity in a stack of spreadsheets, or if we sink away with the summer sun and drown in billowing blankets under a tree fort, I won’t stop fighting for you.”
He pressed his lips against mine, and my heart stopped hurting. The pressure on my chest, some of it new, some of it decades old from wanting to be something, felt lifted now. I’d always had my family on my side, so I never quite knew loneliness the way many people did. I’d always had someone in my corner believing in me simply because we were bonded by blood. There was an innate obligation from them to be on my side. But having someone outside that, someone who loved you by choice, no matter your flaws, it mattered in the best way.
My phone rang. It was Warren. I answered it immediately.
“We have a heart. They’re moving Dad tonight,” he explained. “They’re going to take him to the transplant center. It looks like the surgery will be happening first thing in the morning. We’re going to meet up at the hospital in a couple hours. Just wanted to give you a heads-up.”
“Thank you,” I replied. My hands were shaking. I wasn’t sure if I was nervous or excited. It was good news—necessary news, anyway. “What time?”
“Be home by seven thirty.”
I agreed and hung up.
“Looks like something is happening.” I wasn’t sure how I felt. “I need to be at the hospital in a couple hours.”
“Can I take you somewhere quickly?” He smiled. I could tell he had some kind of plan in mind.
“Where on earth do you want to go?” I smirked. “We don’t have much time.”
“We don’t need long,” he answered, grabbing my hand. He led me to his rental car and opened the passenger-side door. “Get in. We have one last thing to do.”
I wasn’t sure what he had up his sleeve, but I was willing to go with him anyway. Despite his past, and despite the information he’d kept from me, he still seemed to be full of such sincerity. His gestures always warmed me, and I knew he meant them in the biggest way.
We headed farther west. Twenty minutes later we pulled into a familiar lot off the side of the highway.
“Eagle’s Cove.” I smiled, thinking back to one of the first adventures Sawyer and I had together. It was interesting that I felt happy as I recalled the memory when that day was otherwise somewhat tragic. I’d felt so broken, crushed by the weight of what was happening around me. But that’s when Sawyer had first held me, reassuring me he had no plans to abandon me in the midst of all of it. I smiled because of how much that meant to me. It was strange that a sad memory could turn into something positive simply by the presence of one person. “What are we doing here?”
“Keeping our promise.” He winked at me. “You said so yourself. That matters. So we’re coming back here again, just like you said we would.”
“You promised me you would jump off the cliff,” I scoffed playfully, calling him out.
“So we jump.”
“Sawyer, you’re not even wearing a swimsuit.” I laughed. “Haven’t we already been through this?”
“That’s where you’re wrong, darling.” He yanked down his jeans as he stepped out of the car. Sure enough, he had blue swim shorts on underneath his pants. “Let’s go.”
“I don’t have a suit. That’s not fair,” I said, still giggling. I stepped out of the car as well. Perhaps he was jumping alone. Without warning he scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder, then walked me toward the path that traversed down the side of the mountain.
“I’ve already carried yo
u up this hill, so at least I have gravity on my side this time,” he chuffed. Similar to the last time we’d been here, I was wearing a cotton sundress and some stupid wedge heels that were never going to make the hike.
“Sawyer, this is absurd. You’re jumping alone,” I squealed. We made it to the rock in no time. It was impressive the way it jutted out of the side of the mountain. We had to be at least thirty feet up from the water.
“I jump, you jump—that’s how this works,” Sawyer instructed, setting me down. “You’re not scared of anything, remember? And with you, neither am I. So for the next thirty minutes, before you face one of the biggest moments of your life at the hospital with your family, we do something stupid together. You eat ice cream and play Monopoly with your family in the midst of tragedy, right? Well, we jump from mountains and drink in parks and dance in small hotel rooms late at night. It doesn’t fix anything around us, but somehow it fixes us. It restores our faith in the world and makes everything not suck for a brief moment in time. Right now, things don’t suck. It’s you, and me, and a lifetime of making sucky things not suck.”
“This is a weird speech.” I laughed, reaching for his hand. “You’re very eloquent with your words, you know. We should get matching tattoos that toast making sucky things not suck.” I couldn’t stop laughing. He kicked off his shoes, and I did the same.
“We’re in this together. You and me. No more lies or half-truths. Just the two of us, hand in hand, getting through all of life’s ups and downs together.” He led me to the edge of the rock, and we looked down simultaneously. “On second thought, we could probably just jam out in the rental car to some loud music and call it a day. That would still make things suck less, don’t you think?”
“Too late.” I smirked, squeezing his hand. “We jump. Together. You can’t think about it. You just do it. One, two, three . . .”
We leaped off the rock’s edge at the same time, falling through the air. A rush of excitement flowed through my body. In no time, we were splashing down into the water beneath us. It was freezing cold despite the warm sun, and it felt as exhilarating as I’d imagined it would. It was one of the few things that could instantly take me back to my youth —that feeling of carefree irresponsibility. Brie and I spent hours shutting out the rest of the world to find adventures like this, and I was convinced it was the best way to prove to the world that there was still some smidgen of joy left, even during life’s cruelest moments. Anytime we felt sadness, or rejection, or the feeling that we would never be enough, the hot sun and cold water could restore our souls in a way nothing else could. The only thing that could elevate an experience like this was having someone next to you to connect with as it happened.
Half-Truths Page 23
