“Someone will buy it,” he said, but his mind was working, trying to remember who’d owned this place before. He could ask around town, see who’d farmed this land, who’d sold it. Whoever it was must be the man. And then Caleb would…do what? Truly kill him? Beat him to a pulp, at least? Spit on his broken body?
“Have you seen your mother since you came back?” Jessica asked.
“No. I rode straight here. I’m not sure if I’ll make myself known or not.”
She nodded and twisted her hands into her skirt, and Caleb was afraid she was about to say good-bye. “You want me to show you how to set a snare?” he asked quickly. “We’ve got an hour of sunlight left.”
“No, I—”
“It’s simple. Won’t take long to teach you.”
“Maybe in the morning,” she whispered.
“The morning?” He wished he could pull back the hopeful note in his voice, but it was there, bright and truthful between them.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know if I should ask you to stay.”
He reached slowly forward and took one of her hands. “Please. Please let me stay. For tonight, at least. Let me…” His throat tightened, and he wasn’t sure what he’d meant to say anyway. Let me take those other nights back. Let me show you something kinder.
But in the end, she nodded, and he didn’t have to say anything more.
“I’ll check on the cow, then,” he offered. “Make sure she’s settled for the night.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to. Bill will take care of it.”
“I’d like to, and I need to see to my horse, anyway.”
“All right. I’ll put up those beans Melisande and I canned today. I think they’re cool enough.”
It felt so damn simple. Like this was their place. Their farm. And tonight he’d lie beside her and make her his. His hands shook as he closed the kitchen door behind him. By the time he got back to the house, the sun was setting, a cool breeze sliding through the open windows. The dim front rooms greeted him with silence, and he found the kitchen empty as well.
Caleb moved up the stairs, his heart beating harder. Would she welcome him, or had he misinterpreted the invitation? If she’d made up the other bedroom for him, he’d stay there, but he had a feeling he’d sleep as poorly as he had on the trail.
But no, that wasn’t what Jessica wanted either. He found her in the bedroom, already in her shift, arms lifted to free the pins from her hair. She blushed when she caught him watching.
“There’s whiskey,” she said, dipping her chin toward the bottle on top of the dresser.
He shook his head. “I’m already beat. It was a long ride back.”
Her hair fell free, a long twist down her back. He knew it’d be warm if he touched it. “I was sure I’d never see you again,” she said as she picked up the brush.
Caleb watched the bristles slide through her hair, and love and lust stirred inside him, swelling his cock and his heart. She looked so pure. So pretty. Brushing her hair as she must have done a thousand times before. Letting him see that bit of her as if he hadn’t hurt her.
It terrified him that he could still feel this way for her, but it awed him, as well, because maybe their love was bigger than everything else. Bigger than hurt and jealousy and stupid decisions. It was just…right.
He was more certain of that than ever as he watched her ready herself for bed.
“Need help with your boots?” she asked.
“No, I never did find anyone to help on the trail.”
She laughed at his meager joke, and the sound stole his strength as he stripped out of his shirt and toed off his boots. And then he saw the flowers, wilted and half-broken, but sitting in a jar by the window. She’d saved them after all. His heart thumped with pain.
The twilight lit half her body and threw the other into shadow. When she moved to the end of the bed and eased her shift over her head, her curves were blue and smooth. She looked strangely untouchable for a woman getting into bed, but then she flashed him a nervous smile.
He was already so hard that it took a few tries to get the buttons of his trousers free. Following her lead, he stripped down to nothing, then slid beneath the sheets after her. The cotton was crisp and cool, a contrast to the warm skin of her arm when she brushed against him. She smelled of a more delicate soap than the kind she’d lent him.
“I didn’t know if you’d let me stay,” he said into the deepening dark.
“If it’s the last time I see you…” She didn’t finish the thought.
Caleb rose above her, sliding his hand along her neck, her jaw. “I don’t want it to be the last anything. I want it to be the first.”
“It’s far too late for that, Caleb.”
“It’s not. You never had a first time. Not really. All you’ve ever had were transactions.”
Her hand covered his and pressed his palm tight to her cheek. “There’s no taking any of that back.”
“No, but we can make something new. A real first time. No one hurting you, not even me.”
“Caleb…” she murmured. She shook her head in denial. He saw the glint of moisture on her cheek before he felt wet on his fingers.
“Shh,” he whispered, “I won’t hurt you, Jess, I promise.”
His mouth met hers, and she opened for him immediately, her tongue brushing sweetly against his. He kissed her slowly, carefully, learning the feel of her and what rhythm made her sigh into his mouth.
He trailed his fingers down her neck, then traced the line of her collarbone. Her skin was impossibly fine. He wondered that he was even the same animal as her, she felt so different.
His fingers found the outer curve of her breast. Goose bumps rose beneath his touch as he cupped her in his hand. “You’re the most beautiful thing in the world.” He lifted his head to look at her. It was nearly full dark now, but he could see his darkness against her, and the tight circle of her nipple.
Her breath hitched when he dragged his thumb over that nub. “Do you know how often I fantasized about this through the years, Jess? I dreamed of it.”
“I…I did too.”
That surprised him. “Did you?”
“Yes. I’d lie in bed at night and slide my hands over my nightgown, and I’d wonder what it would be like to be your wife. I wondered if you’d be disappointed at how straight I was beneath my stays.”
His huff of laughter hurt his heart. “Never. Everything about you amazes me.”
“Don’t say that,” she whispered.
“It’s true. It’s still true. And you must be meant to be just as you are. The opposite of me.” He slid her hand from his shoulder and down his chest. Her fingers spread out over his heart, and he could feel the beat of his pulse against her palm. “I must feel rough and hard to you.”
“A little,” she agreed. “But so warm. You feel…comforting.”
His throat went thick at that. That she could still find his body comforting after what he’d done. He ducked his head to kiss her breast. Her hand slid to his back, and when his mouth found her nipple, her nails dug into him. He licked her gently at first, then pressed his tongue tighter, sucking at her.
She moaned for him, and then she was gasping, one of her knees rising to lie along his thigh. His cock brushed her hip, and he couldn’t help but push against her, the pleasure too intense to resist.
He moved his hand down, aware of the way her stomach jumped in shock, and then he felt the softness of her hair, the spring of it under his trembling fingers. Strange that his own nakedness was crude to him, his body just a tool and an ugly one at that. But with Jess it was all stunning. Skin and hair and sex like something created to make the world more lovely.
He pressed his whole hand to her, holding her for a moment. His finger settled against deeper heat. He slipped it between her folds, his breath a growl as he felt her wetness.
When he moved his finger up, she gasped, so he did it again and again, his cock throbbing at how sli
ck she was, how her legs parted for him. His body screamed for that feeling around him, squeezing his cock.
He clenched his eyes shut and tried to breathe deeply. Not yet.
“Caleb,” she moaned, her hips tipping toward him. He slid a leg over hers, spreading her wider.
“Is that good?” he whispered.
“Yes!” Her breath came faster, as if she were racing toward something. Caleb could feel his cock growing slick against her skin, sliding between his belly and her hip, and he groaned in pained torment.
She said his name again, her nails digging into his shoulder as she clutched him.
“That’s it.” He stroked her faster. “That’s it, Jess. Just like that.”
“Oh, God,” she gasped, her hips jumping now, straining up and up to meet his fingers. “Oh, Caleb.”
She screamed, a hoarse, wrenching cry as her body went tight beneath him. He could feel her muscles twitch under his fingers as her climax broke over her. Her head tipped back, her neck taut and long as she cried out over and over.
By the time she calmed, he was breathing as hard as she was. “You’re so fucking beautiful. A miracle.” Her thigh trembled beneath his.
He slid between her legs and took himself in hand. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured. He brushed the head along her heat, and she whimpered. “Tell me if I hurt you, Jess.”
He rubbed himself against her, his heart nearly stopping at the feel of her slickness against his cock. Finally, he notched the head to her opening and eased in just a half inch. “I’ll stop if you want.”
“No.” Her legs curled around his thighs and pulled him closer.
Caleb winced as he sank an inch deeper. “Slow,” he hissed.
“No,” she said again, the word a little jagged.
“I’d rather die than hurt you. I want to make this feel good. For once, I want it to be right for you.”
He hated the sob she gave as she arched to take more of him. He pulled back a little, then pressed in. “Is this all right?”
He felt her nod, but her breath shuddered as if she were crying. Caleb stretched his body over hers, trying to hold his hips still as he found her mouth with his. “I love you,” he said against her lips.
“Don’t,” she answered.
He kissed the tears from her cheeks and repeated it as he sank all the way into her body. “I love you.”
He fucked her slowly, sliding in and out as if he had all the time in the world, as if her body were his forever. Her legs kept him close. Her arms pulled him tighter to her.
“I love you, Jess,” he said one last time as he pushed as deep as he could. He held himself still while he climaxed, feeling the way his cock pulsed inside the tight grip of her. When he finally relaxed against her, she sighed and feathered kisses over his jaw.
It felt like their marriage bed, like they’d already said the vows. They hadn’t yet, but Caleb meant to see that they did.
Chapter 13
‡
“I’m sorry,” he said, the low words vibrating against the skin of her neck.
Jessica smiled at his sweetness. “Why?” she asked.
“I finished inside you. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I’ll make a tea in the morning. It should be fine.”
“Regardless, I mean to marry you, Jess.”
“No.” Her muscles went so rigid that her whole body twinged with pain.
“You won’t have me?”
“It’s not that. Not really. I can’t. You know I can’t.”
He pulled free of her body, giving her one last slide of pleasure that warred with the panic quaking through her. “We’ll go to California, then. Get married there if you want it kept quiet.”
Her heart raced so quickly it felt like it was trembling in her chest. “I can’t marry you.”
“I don’t care about those other men,” he insisted, falling to his back beside her. “Don’t you get that?”
“Caleb, that’s not it.”
“I don’t care how many or what you did. All I—”
“There was only one!” she blurted out, the words so rough they scraped her throat.
“What?” She heard the disbelief in his voice and wished she could take back her stupid words. She’d just wanted him to know. That there weren’t so many. That she wasn’t so changed. Stupid, stupid pride. It wasn’t as if it was beneath her to have more than one man. She’d taken Caleb’s money too.
“What are you saying?” he asked.
“There was… It was only one man.” Don’t ask who. “He wanted to keep me for himself. Like a toy. He did. For days. And then…”
“Then what?”
Then what? She almost laughed in horror. She shook her head.
“Then what, Jess?”
“He…he brought someone else here. He said the other man would wait in the parlor.” That had been the most horrible night. A low she hadn’t even thought possible. Theodore’s guest had been the minister, a man she’d known since she was twelve years old.
Jessica had thought she’d die of the shame, the horror. Who else had Theodore told?
But she’d gone dutifully to the bedroom with Theodore. She’d had two more nights to work off, after all.
“Jess.” Caleb’s hand tightened on her chin.
She shook her head. She could still remember being on her knees, Theodore’s body slapping against her as he drove himself inside over and over. Her hands clutching the bedcovers as she squeezed her eyes so tightly shut that her head ached. Even over Theodore’s grunting, she’d heard the door creak. Her eyes had snapped open to find the minister in the doorway, grinning like an ape.
She’d screamed, trying to pull away from Theodore and snatch up the sheets to cover herself, but he’d held her firmly, his fingers digging deep into her hips. “He just wants to watch,” he’d growled. “Calm down.”
When she’d struggled again, he’d wrapped a hand in her hair and pulled her back like she was a skittish horse. This man who’d treated her like a daughter all those years, he’d held her back like a farm animal. “I said he just wants to watch.” He’d driven himself deep again. “No harm—” another thrust “—in that.”
But then the minister had unfastened his pants.
Jess had cried out and tried to twist away from Theodore, but he’d only yanked on her hair until she screamed. “All right,” he’d said on a laugh. “Maybe he wants a go at you too.”
Jessica was so wrapped up in the memory that she couldn’t bear Caleb’s touch anymore. She flinched away from him. “I couldn’t do it,” she rasped.
“Couldn’t do what, Jess?”
“He said he’d already paid for the night and I’d do as he said. But I couldn’t. I got away.”
Everything was still too crystal clear. The feeling of Durst moving inside her, her breasts bouncing with each thrust. A man she’d thought was a man of God standing there with his dick in his hand, waiting his turn to defile her.
Theodore had finally grunted like a pig. She’d felt his seed dripping out of her, sliding down her shaking legs even before he’d pulled himself out and slapped her ass.
She’d waited one more moment, waited for the minister’s pants to be around his ankles. Waited for Theodore to sink back, as if he expected her to simply stay poised on her knees, ready for another mount. And then she’d sprung, leaping toward the door, scrambling on her toes and hands when she hit the floor, then pushing up to race for the stairs. Her shift had slid back down her body from where Theodore had shoved it up around her waist.
Their shouts had sounded far away before she’d even reached the door. Half-naked, she’d run into the night, sprinting for the tall shrubs that led to trees and then to the creek.
They hadn’t followed far, though they’d waited a long time. The cold had seeped into her body. She’d wrapped her arms around her legs and held tight, trying to still her violent shaking.
Eventually, they’d left. She’d escaped the minister’s han
ds. But she hadn’t escaped his pride. He’d spread tales about her through the town, her punishment for his rejection.
She wished she’d simply let him take his turn. That would have been easier to live with. It would’ve been no different than it had been with Theodore.
“Jessica,” Caleb said, his hand tipping her face toward him, though he must have been as blind in the dark as she was. “Why didn’t you tell me? That there was only one?”
“Does it matter?” she rasped.
“Yes,” he answered. Then, “No. I don’t know. I don’t know anything except that I still love you.”
Those awful, wonderful words again. They couldn’t be true. “Would you love me if there had been fifty?”
“Yes.”
Yes. She believed him. Hadn’t he said it before she’d blurted out the stupid truth? He didn’t care how many men there’d been, so why had she wanted to tell him? “I love you too,” she choked out. “But I can’t.”
“Tell me who it was,” he begged. “I’ll make him pay, and then we’ll leave. We’ll marry in California. We’ll have everything we planned for.”
“I can’t. Please. I can’t tell you. And I can’t be your wife. Your family…” It had taken quite a while for the fullness of the shame to hit her. She hadn’t betrayed only Caleb but also his poor mother, who’d always been kind.
“My family will have to understand.”
“No! I can’t ever marry you. That can’t happen. I can’t be with you, Caleb.” She’d let herself be lulled into thinking they could have something, but if he ever found out the truth, he’d hate her.
“Then—”
“No,” she insisted. “You have to leave in the morning.”
“I won’t—” he tried again, but she cut him off.
“Yes, you will. I can’t marry you and I won’t be your whore, so just…just give me tonight. Just stay the night this once.”
“I’m not leaving again, Jess. I’ll stay until you change your mind. Get my old job at the ranch. Help out around here.”
She slid a hand over his chest, up to his neck, then around to pull his head down to her. He was such a good man, and she loved him so much, too much to let him come back again tomorrow. “Just tonight,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his mouth. “Just one more time.”
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